by Roni Loren
He scoffed and dropped his arms to his sides. “You think this is a vacation? Look around at my life. I’m in hiding, Taryn. My parents don’t even speak to me anymore. I live my life looking over my shoulder. I can’t even take you on a proper date without worrying who’s watching. I can’t be with you the way I want to be with you. I’m not asking for sympathy because it’s my own fault, but damn.”
She winced and shook her head. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I know this isn’t an easy life for you. But me forgetting like this, being so selfish, is a betrayal. To my family. To Nia.”
A pained look crossed Shaw’s face and he stepped closer. “Wanting to have your own happiness isn’t a betrayal. That isn’t selfish. You deserve that. Wouldn’t Nia want that for you?”
Taryn went rigid. “Do not use her name against me like that.”
“Use it ag— Come on, you know that’s not what I’m doing.” He ran a hand over his face. “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”
She looked away, her fists balling.
“That’s it, isn’t it?” he said, backing off from her, his expression closing. “This is about last night.”
“Shaw—”
“No, I get it. You want out, and this is an easy way.” His jaw clenched. “For all your talk of acceptance and not judging and ‘You’re a different person from your family’ speeches, you finally realized who you were sleeping with. It finally sank in, and now you want no part of it.”
She pressed her lips together, breathing hard through her nose. She wanted to tell him no, that wasn’t it at all. That she loved him. That last night had ripped her open. That she wanted to be with him so badly, it made her bones hurt. But what was the point? This was an unfixable situation. There were no solutions. And she was losing sight of too many things, being wrapped up in him. The biggest favor she could do them both was to end it.
So as hard as it was, she said what she needed to say to make it clean. No questions. No gray area.
“If I deserve happiness, you think I can find it here with you? With your fake name and this half life? You gonna step out into the light of the world to be with me?”
His throat worked, and lines appeared around his eyes like her knife had landed deep. His voice was strained when he finally spoke. “You know I can’t. You wouldn’t want people to know who I am either. You wouldn’t hurt your family like that.”
“You’re right. I wouldn’t. So this life you say I deserve? You’re not the one who can give it to me.”
The comment was brutal. The truth. They both knew it. But it hurt like hell anyway.
Shaw dipped his head. “No. I can’t.”
His utter acceptance of her statement gutted her. Her eyes burned, but she forced herself not to cry. Her voice was softer when she spoke again. “We always knew this would end.”
He lifted his head, meeting her eyes, resignation there. “It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.”
“Guess we both fucked up then.”
He raked a hand through his hair, grabbing the strands between his fingers as if he were going to pull it all out. “Taryn, maybe we could…”
“I can’t,” she said, cutting him off before he could offer her some shred of something that could tempt her. She was too afraid she’d grab at it. “We can’t. Today proved I’ve let this go too far. It’s not fair to either of us to drag it out. When the fund-raiser is over this weekend, I…won’t be coming back to the gym.”
His eyes revealed pain, but he nodded. “Right.”
She looked down at her feet. “I’ve really gotta go.”
He tucked his hands in the pockets of his track pants and gave her a look devoid of all emotion. “So go.”
The icy chill in the words stung, but she didn’t want to extend that painful feeling in her chest any longer. Her parents were waiting for her. Her real life was waiting for her.
This had just been a road trip through some land that didn’t actually exist. She and Shaw had created a fictional, protected world between them with pretend characters. Taryn, the carefree woman who could shack up with her trainer, and Lucas, the quiet athlete who was just looking for some companionship. It had been a wonderful escape. But it hadn’t been real.
She packed up the rest of her things, slipped on her shoes, and walked out without a goodbye.
Their fictional story was over. Turn the page. The end.
* * *
Two hours later, Taryn was sitting in the grass next to her mother in front of her sister’s grave, grief filling every empty space inside her. Selfish grief for what had happened this morning with Shaw. Familiar grief for what lay before her. But she’d cried enough on the way here to leave her eyes dry.
Bright gerbera daisies filled the permanent vases next to the headstone. They’d been Nia’s favorite flower because they came in so many colors, but Taryn found herself wondering if they would’ve remained her sister’s favorite or if she would’ve changed her opinion by now. If she would’ve picked something more sophisticated in her adult years. They’d never know. That made Taryn want to cry again, but she managed to take a deep breath and quell the urge.
Her father was standing alone under a nearby tree, doing his own version of visiting his daughter’s grave site, which meant pulling up weeds he found around headstones and humming. Daddy had always preferred to keep busy when it came to the sad things, so he had to take out his grief and anger on plant species that hadn’t earned the right to be there.
Her mother was next to her on the blanket, her legs tucked to the side as though she were seventeen instead of in her sixties, and her hands were clasped in prayer. The wind was gentle around them, rustling the leaves of the big trees that guarded the cemetery and blending with the chirping of the birds. Taryn tried to get in touch with the peacefulness of it all, but her thoughts and emotions were knotted inside her like thorny vines, and she couldn’t get comfortable.
Her mother finished her prayer and turned to Taryn with a somber smile. “I’m glad you could finally make it today.”
Taryn didn’t miss the dig. “Me too. I’m sorry I was so late.”
Her mom looked toward the headstone. “Sweetie, can you believe I called your sister this morning and she was at some strange man’s house? You’d think I’d raised you girls to be more careful and discerning than that.”
Taryn pinched the bridge of her nose. “Momma…”
Her mother ignored her. “I’m just saying. I’ve never heard your sister mention a new man. He can’t have been around that long and already…sleeping over.”
Taryn groaned. “Momma, I’m not a teenager. I know him. He’s not dangerous. It was just a friendly thing. I’m not dating him.”
Her mother glanced over with a cocked brow. “And what is this young man’s name?”
“Sh—” Taryn caught herself, almost choking to keep the name from slipping out. “Lucas. He’s a trainer at a gym I joined.”
Her mother’s brows crawled higher. “A trainer? Honey, you are a doctor.”
Taryn took a page from her mother’s book and looked toward Nia’s headstone. “Girl, do you hear your mother? She’s become a snob.”
Her mother pursed her lips. “I’ve become someone who doesn’t want her daughter being used.”
Taryn snorted and picked at the grass. “Mom, I’m a professor, not an MD. No one is after me for my money. There’s not that much of it. And I have even less now because I’m on unpaid leave.”
Her mother stiffened. “Unpaid leave? What are you talking about?”
Taryn explained what had happened and about the fund-raiser and video campaign. The irritated look on her mother’s face slowly morphed into a smile.
“You’re going to put the program in schools yourself?” she asked, beaming.
Taryn shrugged and let the grass shavings fall from her fingertips. �
��If I can raise enough money.”
Her mother clasped her hands together at her chest and then looked to the grave. “Nia, did you hear that, sweetie? Your big sister is not giving up. The board said no, and she’s not taking it. She’s going to make sure your program gets in schools. She’s never going to give up on you.” Her mother looked back to Taryn, taking her hands in hers, eyes glistening. “I’m not sure I’ve ever been prouder of you.”
Taryn forced a smile, but her chest felt like an elephant had sat on it. “Thanks, Momma.”
“Emmett!” her mom called out. “Did you hear what our baby is doing?”
As her parents surrounded her, hugging her in front of Nia’s headstone, Taryn felt like she’d drifted out of her body and was watching from a perch in one of those trees. This was her life. This was what she’d told Shaw she needed to get back to. But suddenly, it didn’t feel like hers at all.
When her parents decided it was time to leave, Taryn told them to go ahead without her, that she wanted some alone time. Her mother beamed at that and left her to it.
Taryn waited for them to depart and then knelt down, rubbing her fingers over her sister’s birth date as if to memorize it anew. She wasn’t sure if she believed in an afterlife, but she hoped one did exist. “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday this morning, baby girl. I’m so sorry.” Her voice caught and she had to take a second to breathe through it. “I wish you were here so I could tease you about getting old. I’d take you out and get you drunk. You’d probably end up dancing on a table. I’d end up singing. We’d embarrass ourselves completely. We’d have a time.”
The wind gusted, sweeping Taryn’s hair away from her face, and a small bird landed off to her right. He hopped around, pecking the ground, almost looking as if he were dancing. Taryn smiled through fresh tears.
“I wish you were here so badly, I can barely stand it,” she confessed. “I want my sister back. I want to hear your secrets and tell you mine. I want you to be the first to hear that I fell in love.” She sniffled. “And totally messed it up. You’d be giving me quite a lecture right now.” She sat back on her knees, feeling heavy and tired. “I want to talk about who you’re dating and if you want kids. I want you to fight with me over who gets to host Christmas. I want to stand behind you at your wedding and have you stand behind me at mine. Not that I’ll ever get married at this rate.”
The bird squawked. Opinionated little sucker.
“I know we used to fight sometimes and that I was jealous of you that night, but I swear, I’d do anything in the world to have you back to argue with. I don’t want to be an only child. I was never meant to be without you. I have no idea what I’m doing here.”
Tears made slow tracks down her face, and the bird moved closer, seemingly curious about this unusual creature who was making strange noises. But when he hopped next to her hand, which was splayed in the grass, and jumped on top of her fingers, Taryn didn’t move.
She blinked through her tears, and the little brown bird stared at her with serious eyes. In that moment, she didn’t know how, but she knew her sister was there with her. Hearing her. Telling her not to give up.
Taryn’s tears stopped, and she stayed still as stone until the little bird hopped away. A sense of peace came over her, and she felt that burn in her gut renew. As much as it had hurt, she’d made the right decision this morning. She didn’t need to veer off the path again. “I’ve got you, Nia. I’m still fighting. Don’t worry.”
Chapter
Twenty-Four
TWO WEEKS LATER
Shaw set down his phone, feeling satisfied if not happy. He’d been scanning the online ads regularly for deals, and he’d finally found the RV he’d wanted. He’d gotten a great price because the couple who’d owned it was getting a divorce and selling off property as quickly as they could offload it. The bank had approved the transaction today, and they’d called to tell him it was officially his. He just had to get down to Galveston to sign some papers and get the keys.
He wasn’t in a place where he could move into it yet. He really needed to stay longer to help Rivers and to sock away more money, but something inside him settled, knowing the RV was on the coast waiting for him. He’d go down this weekend and take a look, make a list of any repairs or remodeling he wanted to do, and then set up a plan.
He got up to pack a suitcase. For the first time in the two weeks since Taryn had walked out, he felt some of the tension slip out of him. Distance would help. He needed a weekend away. Being in this apartment was too much—with her scent still lingering in the shower every time he turned the hot water on and memories of their time together haunting every room. He needed a change of scenery in a bad way.
The news droned on in the background as he packed, but his ears perked up when he heard her name. Dr. Taryn Landry. He’d been hearing it a lot lately, and it sliced through him every time, like a thousand little blades. He tried not to turn and look at the screen, but he couldn’t help himself. They were rerunning clips of the fund-raiser. The event had been a big success and had garnered a lot of community attention, along with some national coverage.
Taryn was beaming on the screen as she announced that they’d surpassed their goal and hoped to have the wider campaign ready to go in a month or two. Clips of the competition flashed over the screen—kids having fun on all the obstacles, the boys showing off when they actually made it through one, the girls looking smug when some of them beat the boys. So much of him wished he had been there to see Taryn’s project come to fruition, but for once, the news cameras had been the least of his worries.
He couldn’t go to her. She’d said goodbye, and the kindest thing he could do was leave her alone. She’d laid out the bare truth for him, just like she’d always done. You can’t give me a happy life. Straight shooter. It was something he loved about her, but it had hurt like acid in an open wound because he couldn’t deny it. He wanted to be something for her that he wasn’t capable of.
What the hell could he say? Hey, wanna come live in an RV with me and drop out of your life? Leave all that hard work, your family, and friends behind because I love you and want to be with you? Like he was some prize. Please.
He clicked off the television.
He’d always known he deserved penance for what he’d done to his brother. He thought he’d served it. He’d been wrong. This was it. This was what payback felt like. He’d gotten to experience what happiness was, what love felt like, only to have it dragged forever out of reach.
This is not for you.
Well played, universe.
He zipped up his roller bag and shoved it to the side, but a knock on the door had him lifting his head. Shaw headed to the living room, assuming Rivers must’ve forgotten his key. He’d promised to stop by today, but when Shaw swung open the door, an unfamiliar guy in a brown suit smiled an all-teeth smile his way.
Shaw frowned, not in the mood for Sammy Salesperson. “Sorry. Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.”
“Oh, I think you will be.” The stranger stepped closer, putting his loafer-clad foot in the doorway, but holding the smile. “I won’t take much of your time.”
Shaw’s patience, already thin, disappeared. He put his hand on the door. “I said I’m not interested. Please remove your foot from my doorway.”
He pushed the door, ready to shut it, giving the guy a second to get his foot out of the way, but before Shaw could shut it, the guy said, “Mr. Miller, I just have a few questions.”
The name shot up his spine like a spear of ice. Miller.
The shock gave the reporter the moment’s hesitation he needed. He nudged the door a little more open again, his head poking in. “Mr. Miller, I just want to get a comment on the video that’s come to light.”
The video. Those were the same words from so many years ago. The room spun a little, and for a moment, Shaw wondered if he’d fallen asleep an
d was having a nightmare. There were no more videos. He hadn’t done anything else.
His brain snapped back online. “I don’t know who or what you’re talking about, but this is private property. Get the hell out of my doorway.”
He moved to close the door again.
“A video of you and one of the Long Acre survivors. Dr. Taryn Landry.”
Shaw stilled, a sick feeling washing over him. No.
“Is it true that the two of you are in a relationship?” the reporter demanded. He turned his phone screen Shaw’s way. A familiar country song blared from the speakers. A shaky video of their karaoke performance played in front of him. He stared, unable to look away. Whoever was filming kept zooming in on their faces. Shaw’s cowboy hat shielded him until he accidentally stepped into the spotlight with Taryn and kissed her.
“How did you get this?” he asked, trying to keep his voice devoid of any emotion. He hadn’t admitted he was Shaw Miller yet. Maybe the guy didn’t really know for sure.
The reporter slipped inside as if Shaw had offered him an invitation. “Dr. Landry is quite the local celebrity right now. Someone posted the video online to show her singing, and a commenter recognized you. We face-searched you and traced you to your former college roommate.” He smiled again, but there was a predatory edge to it. “Care to comment about why you’re victimizing Dr. Landry? Your brother doing that wasn’t enough?”
Anger surged. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You’re posing as someone else. Surely, you’re not going to tell me that this woman, a victim who is spending all her time raising money for school shooting prevention, is willingly kissing the killer’s brother?” He gave Shaw a lifted-eyebrow look.
