by Robin Roseau
“It’s a little overwhelming being home.”
She reached for my hand, clasping it in both of hers. “How are you, Yalla? The truth.”
“The Goddess told me I was pulled into so many pieces,” I said. “I’m just-“ I broke off then leaned over and kissed her knuckles. “I have two mothers, and I didn’t think I was ever going to see either of you again.”
Her face clouded for just a moment, but then she nodded. “I was worried about that, too.”
“Sending Juleena was dangerous.”
“I believe I would prefer you use the word ‘daring’. But you haven’t really told me how you are.”
I looked away for a moment. “I’m not all the way back.”
“All the way back from where?”
I didn’t answer immediately then finally whispered, “I was dying. That’s the only reason they let me write that first letter.”
“They told me you were very stubborn. Yalla, look at me.” It took a minute, but I lifted my eyes to hers. “I don’t expect something like this to happen again, but you listen carefully. If something like this ever does happen again, you must take care of yourelf.”
“I didn’t want them to win.”
“I know,” she replied, squeezing my hands.
“What they did was wrong, Ralalta!”
“It certainly was,” she agreed. “But promise me. You will do what you must to take care of yourself. As long as you’re alive and healthy, there is a chance at a rescue. If you die, or if you’re too sick or weak to travel, there aren’t options.”
“If I hadn’t been stubborn, they never would have let me write you.”
“Which led eventually to freeing you,” she said. “This time it worked, but next time it might not. Promise me. You’ll take care of yourself.”
“All right. I promise.”
She squeezed my hands again. “Good. There’s something else I want to tell you.”
“All right,” I said slowly.
“It’s entirely your choice, but in private, or in front of Juleena, if you want, you could call me Mother.”
I started to cry.
She shifted in her chair and pulled me partly into her arms. I found myself crying into her shoulder as she held me.
“I wanted more children,” she said. “But it wasn’t possible.”
After a while, we moved to her quarters, talking quietly for another hour or two. But I was still worn out from the voyage, and I didn’t even realize she’d sent for Naddí and Féla to help me to bed.
* * * *
After that, Juleena was quite serious -- and quite proper -- in how she courted me. Every invitation arrived formally and were responded to by my chaperones. I accepted every invitation, of course, and had a lovely time.
We did some of the things we’d always done, including going riding two or three days a week, usually with a lunch involved. On the other hand, there were things we used to do we no longer did, such as heading to the baths together.
But in just the few short weeks before it was time to return to Alteara for the winter solstice festival, we engaged in a flurry of activities, all quite proper. There were two formal balls at the palace and three more about town. We attended the theater twice and a comedy club once. We went to dinner or strolled through the shopping district.
But there were no shared breakfasts and no time alone. Larien and Terél attended everything with us, and while they allowed kisses and cuddles, if a hand even twitched towards a button, one or the other of them was ready with a disapproving look.
It was quite frustrating, as I desperately wanted her. Or perhaps I desperately wanted to be hers. Either way, I wanted her hands everywhere, and my hands were just as interested in visiting her most private places.
But, at least for now, that was not to be.
But I loved her, and I knew she loved me.
Temple
I stood at the heart of the space that would be the temple to Yahamala. The workmen were nearly finished. The two rooms at the end of the hallway, facing the sea, had been converted into one large room, but with small spaces here and there. The walls were white, and the wood floor had been replaced by lush carpet in a green the same shade of the grass of The Hippa immediately after a rainstorm.
That had been Malta's idea, and I didn't even know how she knew what color to pick.
The statue was in place, looking out the largest of the windows to the sea beyond, but several steps from the window. Arranged in front of the statue was a comfortable row of benches. One could sit with ones back to the ocean and gaze at the statue, which I would find myself doing often.
To the statue's right was a space we called the learning center. There were a few bookcases, comfortable chairs, and a table for four to work or study.
The other end of the room held a simple seating arrangement, a half arc with one end opened, facing the statue. Not all the seats faced directly towards the statue but were instead arranged to offer comfortable conversation. All the seats had a view of the statue. Some offered a view of the ocean, but for that, I preferred to stand at the windows.
Spread throughout the room were stones, each with one of the words of the Goddess engraved into the stone. They were heavy, but not so heavy they couldn't be moved, and so I could place them as befitted the season. The only one that wouldn't move was the one for the title of the Goddess herself: Prestainamatta. This one sat immediately behind the Goddess, and together, the stone and statue were the first things anyone would see when entering the room.
Overhead, there were skylights, lighting the room even more brightly than most of the other rooms of the castle, and there were lamps spread around to be used at night.
Upon the available walls were framed parchments. I had created the parchments myself in my careful hand. Each held one word of the Goddess, including a guide to pronunciation and then an explanation of the word in Framaran. The workmen had framed and hung them for me, the frames of simple wood. Nearly everyone had tried to fight me, suggesting a variety of ornate choices of engraved woods, filigree leaves, or gold inlay. But it was Ralalta who had said, "Yalla is the High Priestess. She knows what she wants." And so I had parchments from my hand, framed simply. It wasn't the framing or the calligraphy that mattered, after all.
What mattered were the concepts, the words, and I wanted nothing to detract from that.
Also on the walls were small shelves, currently empty, and the workmen were just in the process of adding the last few. For now, the shelves would remain empty, but I had plans for them. I hadn't shared those plans with anyone, although I would soon.
The queen had been generous. My new title came with lands, fairly significant lands. They were not hers; they belonged to the crown. The former Duchess of Havenshade had died without appropriate heirs to her title and lands, and so they had been held by the crown.
Ralalta had given them to me, an act her ministers may not have appreciated, but she told them firmly to ratify the decision, "Or else". No one asked what she meant by "Or else". Ralalta then said, "Your duties will involve expenses, and the land will generate income for you."
She wasn't kidding, either. The income was paying for the work on the temple as well as the language tutor for Terél and all the other expenses we would have.
But for now...
So much had happened in such a short time. Malta had been a whirlwind, arranging workers and helping me to make spot decisions. With Lady Malta overseeing the work, tasks that I expected to take weeks or even months took only days. She was amazing, and I was deeply grateful to her.
I stood before the statue then turned slowly. Malta stood nearby, waiting. Then she stepped closer. "Well?"
"This will be a living, breathing space," I said. "I wish to grow accustomed, and then we will see."
"There is no altar."
"No," I said. "There is not. But the space is generous and comfortable," I said. "This will be a space of peace."
She smiled at th
at.
"Malta, I want all to feel welcome here. Do you think anyone will come?"
Her smile faded. "Some will," she said. "But do you mean from the town?"
"No. At least not immediately. But from the palace."
"I know of some that will come," she said. "If they are welcome."
"Who?"
"Me."
"You will? I was worried-"
"That I wouldn't want to be around you?" At that, I nodded. She stepped a little closer then reached out and set a hand on my arm. "Sometimes it's hard. But-" She looked around. "I wouldn't want to disturb you here, Yalla."
"But," I said, "You have something to ask."
"You made places for people to sit." She gestured. "To read. To study."
"That was intentional," I said. "This is not only my place, Malta. If you wish to come, then come. The Goddess would be pleased."
"Only the Goddess?"
"And I would be pleased," I added.
She moved to stand immediately beside me and turned to face the statue. "Is this what she looks like?"
"Well, this is metal, and so the coloring is wrong." Malta laughed. "But yes. She is quite fair, I'd say, but these are her features and her stance, as close to perfect as you can imagine."
She stepped slightly closer to the statue. "And the size?"
"Also as close to perfect."
"I thought a Goddess would be taller."
"Perhaps she chooses this form and size," I said. "Maybe I'll ask her sometime."
"I imagine you have more important things to ask her."
"I don't know where to begin," I agreed. "Perhaps that is as good a place as any to begin."
"Will this do?" she asked with a gesture. "The queen wants her pleased."
"She said if I were pleased, she would be pleased," I said. "This is perfect. It is homey and comfortable. If it were bigger, then I would feel like I rattled around when I come here. This is perfect."
"If it becomes popular, this will be cozy," Malta said. "If we need to expand, we can use the opposing rooms, and you can have the entire end of the hall."
"Maybe someday," I said. “But not yet.”
At that, the last two workmen stepped over, leaving the last of the shelves secured to the wall. "Lady Malta?" said one. I remembered his name was Yent. "Will there be anything else?"
Malta turned to me, and so I said, "No. It's perfect. You all did a beautiful job."
The man lowered his eyes, not quite looking at me. But he didn't move away, either. I smiled. "You want to ask something."
"It's not my place."
"If you are going to say something that would disturb me, we should step into the hall. If your question is respectful, then ask it."
He gestured to his right, to the waiting statue. "Is she real?"
"She is," I said.
"She talks to you?"
"She does. Well, she did, when I was in Alteara. She isn't sure if she can come this far."
"She is a Goddess. If she's a Goddess-"
"I believe the gods have rules, too," I said. "Like all of us. I can feel her, though."
"You can?"
"Yes."
He looked around for a moment, and I knew what he was thinking. "Are you sure there isn't more we can do?"
"Perhaps in the future," I said. "I want this place to grow into home. Does that make sense?"
At that he smiled. "My wife once said the same to me, so I believe I do. We've been married twenty and two years, and she still finds projects for me."
I laughed. "Perhaps in twenty and two years, I will also still have projects for you."
"Perhaps by then, it will be for my daughter."
"Ah, and how old is your daughter now?"
"She is ten and six," he replied.
"Do you have other children?"
"Only the one," he said. "Childbirth was difficult for my wife."
"I understand," I said. "Is she as gifted a carpenter as her father?"
"She has a delicate hand," he said. "She works slowly and carefully."
"There is nothing wrong with that," I said. "Does she have pride in her work?"
"She does," said Yent, "and her mother and I even more."
"Well, that is good then," I said. "I would like to meet her, and your wife." I gestured to the shelves he had made. "Do you have a shop somewhere?"
"Lady Yallameenara," he started to say.
"Do you? Could I visit, or would that be too big a disruption?"
"I'd love to have you," he said cautiously.
"Oh my," I said. I turned to Malta. "I stepped in something, I believe. Perhaps I am not popular everywhere."
"I rather doubt that's it," Malta said. "But it could be the shop is not designed for visitors. Or it could be Jalara would fret for weeks if you were to visit, worried you would be offended by sawdust."
"Jalara is your wife, Yent?"
"She is," Yent said.
"Perhaps we shouldn't tell Jalara I am coming," I suggested slowly.
"She'd skin me alive," Yent said. "Begging your pardon, Lady Yallameenara."
I laughed. "You do remember I am a girl of The Hippa." I paused. "She would truly be vexed?"
He looked pained again, and I sighed.
"Well," I said, "perhaps this a problem to discuss another day."
"Perhaps it is," Malta agreed. "Thank you, Yent. I think we're good today."
He nodded. "Lady Malta. Lady Yallameenara."
Then he did something that continued to annoy me. He and the other workman backed from the room, not turning until the door was closed.
"I wish they wouldn't act like that," I said. I sighed. "I really can't visit his shop?"
"Nonsense," she said. "We just won't tell them we're coming."
I laughed. "I knew there was a reason I liked you."
At that, the door opened again. Terél and Larien stepped in, coming to a stop. "Yallameenara, is it done?"
"It will never be done," I said. "But it is done for now. Come in."
They approached slowly. It wasn't the first time they'd been in here. I'd consulted them all along. But I wasn't sure they held my vision. Well, I would have to teach them to see what I saw.
"Well," I said. "Could you be comfortable here?" I turned a slow circle, my arms out. "Could you offer your prayers to our Prestainamatta? Could you study? Could you relish life? Could you find joy?" I used the words of the Goddess only for the specific words found on the stones around the room.
They didn't answer right away, and so I took Terél's hand. I pulled her to the window before the statue, looking out to the sea. Then I stepped away and led Larien to one of the stones. They both looked and then turned back to me.
"Yalla," Terél said softly.
"You don't understand, do you?"
She looked down, not saying a word.
"I should leave you," Malta said.
"You promised dinner with me later," I said. "You've been putting me off. Is that because you truly have been busy or you don't really want dinner?"
"I'm sorry, Yalla. I would love dinner tonight, and I told everyone to leave me alone."
I smiled. "All right. Are you taking me somewhere, or are we eating in?"
"I'd like to take you somewhere."
"Good. Casual?"
She nodded. "Yes."
"Do you mind coming for me when you're ready?" I asked. "I'm sure you can find me."
"I will," she agreed. Then the three of us watched as Lady Malta stepped from the room, closing the door quietly. I stared at the door for a moment longer than turned to my priestesses.
I held out my hands. "Come," I said, speaking in the language of the Goddess now. They each stepped forward and took a hand. I backed away from them, drawing them after me, until I backed into the conversation area. I sat, pulling them each down beside me, still holding their hands.
"Close your eyes," I said. I waited until they had. "Get comfortable." I leaned back and closed my own eyes.
It took a moment, but they each squirmed a little, and then they drew a little closer, a bit at a time, until they were each leaning against me. They were warm, and it felt very good. I sighed happily.
Then we sat quietly. I continued to call to them, tugging on the bond, but then I thought about my vision for this room. I thought about it being a place of warmth, of comfort. I thought of joy and love. I thought of serenity and trust. I thought of life and gifts given and received.
I didn't think about change. I was the change, after all. This was all change.
But I thought of the other words, all while tugging on the bonds connecting us.
And they drew even closer. Terél sighed first, and Larien only a few seconds after.
"Larien, what were you thinking the first time you saw me?"
"Oh," she said. But then she didn't answer.
I laughed lightly. "Tell me. I won't be angry."
"So many things," she said softly. "Excitement. I knew we were right about you the instant I saw you. I was absolutely positive. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I was afraid you wouldn't find me pleasing."
From the other side, Terél scoffed but said nothing.
"Guilt," Larien said after a pause. "We were lying to you. I was so nervous."
"What else?"
"Please don't make me answer that."
"What else, Larien?"
"Lust," she said. "I wanted you so much I could barely contain myself."
"I wanted you, too," I replied. "Was there joy?"
"Oh, yes," she said. "But no serenity."
"Is there serenity now, right at this moment?"
"Yes," she whispered. "Yalla..."
"I love you," I said. "I love both of you. I can feel you love me, and I can feel you love each other. Can you feel it?"
"Not always," Terél said, her voice not even a full whisper. "But now. Oh..."
"This place is not like the Heart of the Heart. We couldn't possibly duplicate that, and it would be a mistake to try. Instead, this is much simpler, in keeping with the simple principles of our devotion."
