by Jess Walter
Fuck me. I’m even hungrier now.
Mitch and me decide to just walk to the dude with the TV’s house. Maybe he’s got a wheelbarrow Mitch says.
It’s over the river in a big house I never seen before. A covered front porch with a fridge out front. There’s like ten people hanging at the house but it ain’t a party. Mitch says the dude is strictly into weed but there’s a smoked lightbulb on the front porch. I think maybe we’ll get hooked up here. But the dude with the TV is all business.
He’s eating a Hot Pocket while he talks to us. Fuck me I want that Hot Pocket. So hungry.
You fucking stink this dude says to Mitch.
Yeah I’m gonna go home and get cleaned up after we sell that TV Mitch says.
What’s wrong with this guy he asks.
He’s just hungry Mitch says.
The dude’s got a brand-new TV in the living room. Two little kids are on the PS2. They’re playing Call of Duty. I’m good on that game I say but they don’t look up. The TV is pretty big. How big is that TV I ask.
Fifty-five inch the dude says. He says that’s his new TV. The Double Nickel he calls it. The Sammy Hagar.
The picture is too sharp though. It’s like sharper than your eyes. That would freak me out. On Call of Duty I see shit I never knew was there. Life ain’t that real.
The other TV is on the back porch. It ain’t even plugged in. It’s an old-school projector TV. I worried Mitch was full of shit. But here it is just like he said. This TV is the biggest TV I ever seen. I don’t even know how big. The thing’s probably five feet tall and five feet wide. Probably three feet thick. It’s huge. Like a room. Mitch is right we’re gonna need a fucking wheelbarrow.
You want it it’s yours says the dude who lives here.
You know anyone who has a wheelbarrow around here Mitch asks the dude.
He looks at Mitch like get your own fucking wheelbarrow.
There’s an alley behind the dude’s house so Mitch and me go walking along there looking for a wheelbarrow.
I am so fucking hungry. For a while in middle school we got free lunch. But then my mom worked at the air force base and we got off free lunch. She used to make me cold lunch. But whenever there was fish and chips I’d buy my own school lunch. That’s how much I liked it. And chili. I liked the chili fine but I really liked them cinnamon rolls. It’s funny they always had cinnamon rolls and chili in middle school. I don’t know why. They just did.
Fuck. I am so hungry.
I’m gonna kick your ass you don’t stop saying that Mitch says.
You can’t kick my ass.
A ten-year-old girl could kick your fucking jittery ass.
That girl’s six-year-old sister could kick your picker ass.
That girl’s newborn baby sister could kick your smelly ass.
That girl’s kitten could kick your ass.
That girl’s kitten’s fleas could kick your ass.
Sometimes Mitch cracks me up. He ain’t no Todo but sometimes.
We walk down that alley. There’s a kid’s Big Wheel. There’s a turned-over grocery cart but it’s got busted wheels.
And that’s when I see it. Hey Mitch look. No shit. Next to a fall-down garage in back of this house. Leaning up against it. It ain’t even rusted. A goddamn almost brand-new wheelbarrow. You hear that saying My Lucky Day and I guess sometimes.
There’s a little chain-link fence with bent poles. I climb it easy. Grab that wheelbarrow. I wheel it up and heft it over the fence to Mitch. We push that thing back down the alley. We’re practically running.
We fucking feel like kings.
I get one-fifty and you get fifty Mitch says. Out of the blue like that.
That’s bullshit. I went and got the wheelbarrow.
I knew where the TV was he says.
Don’t be a dick Mitch. We both gotta push that thing to the pawn.
One-twenty and eighty.
Don’t be a dick.
One-ten ninety.
Fine.
I’m so fucking starving. The TV dude is eating some pretzels out of a bag when we come back. He’s standing in his backyard watching his matted dog scoot around on his itchy ass on the dirt. He’s laughing like it was a TV show.
The TV dude looks up and sees us. He’s surprised we found a wheelbarrow.
How come you don’t grow grass back here Mitch asks. That would look better. I can hear in Mitch’s voice he thinks we’re the shit for getting a wheelbarrow so fast.
I don’t suppose you got another one of them Hot Pockets I ask the TV dude.
Nah man. He offers me some pretzels and I take a handful. But they don’t taste like nothing. Just the salt.
We leave the wheelbarrow at the bottom of the stairs by the porch and go get on that TV. We can’t barely budge it. That fucking TV is the heaviest fucking thing I ever lifted. I can’t get under it and once we get it up we drop it.
Be fucking careful Mitch says.
You fucking be careful. You was pushing instead of lifting.
The TV dude just stands there eating his pretzels. Smiling at us. Like he did with the dog with the itchy ass.
Mitch spits on his hands. You got anything else you want to get rid of Mitch asks.
Get the fuck out of here. You guys smell like ass.
We pick it up again. We can’t get a hold on it. It’s all tippy. But that two hundred bucks is out there so we muscle it down the steps. It don’t go in the wheelbarrow very well. Kind of sits on top on the rim. And it weighs so much it flattens the wheel. Fucking brand-new wheelbarrow and the wheel goes almost totally flat.
Fuck Mitch says. You got a pump man?
Get the fuck out of here the TV dude says. Fuckin’ chalkers.
So we push it down the alley and then down the street. I’m on the front of the TV keeping it steady. Mitch is holding the wood handles of the wheelbarrow and pushing. We go really slow like that. A few feet for a minute and then we got to stop. It would be easier if the wheel had more air. But it still wouldn’t be easy. I’m sweating. The sweat keeps getting in my eyes.
Fuck Mitch says.
I know I say.
I’m balancing that TV and walking backward. One time Mitch trips a little and the TV starts to go over and I just get in front of it. I keep it from going over. Motherfucker watch what you’re doing I say.
Sorry Mitch says. I tripped. He gets on the TV too and we get it balanced again.
It’s six blocks to the pawn. It probably takes us ten minutes to go a block. Some kids are riding bikes like sharks around us. They stop to watch. One of them is eating a sandwich.
Mitch has to stop to wipe his sweat and breathe. I’m crazy fucking hungry.
What kind of sandwich is that I ask the little kid. It looks like cheese but not with the cheese melted just slices of cheese on white bread.
Fuck off tweaker the kid says. And he rides away on his bike eating that cheese sandwich. Or whatever kind of sandwich it is.
I swear if I wasn’t on this TV I would pull that kid off his fucking bike and beat his ass. We didn’t talk to older guys that way when I was a kid.
The next block goes a little faster. I think of that girl at the coffee shop and I wonder if she gives me the day-olds so I’ll leave like the goatee guy did. But I don’t think so. I think she likes to talk to me.
She gave me a cinnamon roll one time. That’s how I know they’re so good there. Remember these in middle school I asked her but she didn’t remember the cinnamon rolls. Anyways that cinnamon roll was sure better than them dry scones. I wonder why them businessmen would eat scones when they could afford cinnamon rolls or even oat bars or muffins. I wonder why the fuck they make scones in the first place.
Why the fuck you think they make scones at all I ask Mitch.
Great mystery Mitch says.
Sometimes he is as funny as Todo.
The third block goes even slower. Mitch’s arms are shaking. Red splotchy covered with sweat. And I feel dizzy from all the walk
ing backward. You gotta switch me Mitch says.
So I push for a few blocks and Mitch steadies. Only I don’t trust his steadying so I push more carefully than he did. It yanks your arms out of their sockets pushing that wheelbarrow. And even though it’s a pretty new wheelbarrow I get a sliver from the wood handles.
Fuck me I say. I got a sliver.
I got like a hundred.
You got a hundred slivers.
I said LIKE a hundred.
We get four blocks. Only two to go. We stop at this yard and take turns steadying while the other guy rests in the grass until this old guy comes out and yells get the fuck off my yard. I’m gonna call the cops.
Fucking call ’em then Mitch says.
Where’d you steal that TV the old guy says. He’s waving something at us.
Fuck you Mitch says.
But for some reason I don’t want the guy to think we stole it. We got it from a guy I say. And the wheelbarrow. Even though we didn’t get that from a guy but stole it.
We start going again.
And I think of something. The old guy had a remote control. I say that to Mitch. You see that. I just thought of it. He was waving something at us and it was a fucking remote control.
Yeah Mitch says and we both laugh. Fucking people Mitch says.
Like a sword I say. He carries that remote around.
People spend their whole lives in front of that fucking box says Mitch. He says it like we got the life or something.
We’re a few houses away from Monroe. The busy street with the pawn.
There’s a Hawaiian grill place on Monroe just down from the pawn. They got this chicken and rice but it’s at least five bucks. That sounds even better than fish and chips. That would leave me with just seven bucks though. Can’t get no bump for seven bucks.
I think I’m gonna fucking starve to death Mitch. I’m dying here.
We’re almost there he says.
Fucking kings.
By the time we get to the last block the whole tire has gone flat on the wheelbarrow. Now I’m just pushing on the steel rim. It’s like pushing a fucking house uphill.
Pull motherfucker.
I am.
We can barely get it up on the sidewalk and then there’s a curb cut and we can barely get up the other side of that. My hands are red raw. I been pushing the last three blocks. I should get half I say.
Fine Mitch says.
At the pawn I stay outside and steady the TV while Mitch goes inside. Some dude is coming out as Mitch goes in. He just bought a circular saw. He laughs at me. That’s the funniest thing I ever saw he says. Fucking tweaker standing with a giant old TV on a wheelbarrow. And he takes out his phone and takes a picture of me.
I don’t care. I just smile for the picture. ’Cause we made it. Fuck the TV dude and the little kid with the sandwich and that old guy with the remote and this guy with the camera phone. My big problem now is whether to have fish and chips or that Hawaiian chicken and rice.
The pawn guy comes out with a big-ass grin on his face. He stares at that TV like he can’t believe we pushed it all the way there. It is pretty fucking cool now that I think about it. All the shit we went through. Fucking day this was.
How far did you guys push this thing?
A mile Mitch says.
This kind of pisses me off. It’s enough what we done without making up some story. Six blocks I say.
No shit. And he shakes his head like we come from the North Pole or something.
It works great Mitch says. I just watched UFC on it this morning.
That pawn dude has the biggest grin on. Follow me he says.
I don’t want to leave it here I say. It might fall.
The pawn dude helps us lean it against the wall of the store.
Then he takes us inside to where there’s ten TVs hanging up. Most of them are flat and big like that TV dude’s new double nickel. They’re all plugged in. They all work good. Them new TVs are like two hundred bucks is all.
You guys see any big-console projection-screen TVs in here.
We say we don’t.
No transistor radios or VHS players either. You guys are like five years late. I couldn’t GIVE that fucking dinosaur away. I couldn’t give it away if it came with a free car and a blowjob. Now get the fuck out of my store.
In front of the pawn Mitch and I got nothing to say. We just stare at each other. Mitch looks sorry. He probably thinks I blame him. But I don’t. Fuck he didn’t know. It was a good try. A lot of things are like that. Good tries. I just wish I wasn’t so fucking hungry. And I wish I had enough for Mitch’s bump too and for some fish and chips. But I don’t. I just got the twelve bucks. Mitch knows. He looks like he’s gonna die. Pale as shit.
Tell you what. We look back. The pawn dude is standing there. He’s been watching us. I’ll give you ten bucks for the wheelbarrow.
Fifteen Mitch says.
It’s got a flat fucking tire the guy says. But he smiles. Like he’s watching that dog rub its ass. Okay he says. Fifteen.
You gotta take the TV too I say.
What am I the fucking United Way the pawn guy says. Fine. Take it round back and put it in the alley. So we lift it again off the wheelbarrow. It’s like needles in my back every step we take with that fucking TV. My face is pressed against the black console which is a thousand degrees from the sun. My hands are so sweaty I’m sure I’m gonna drop it. But we make it to the alley where we leave it with a bunch of other garbage. Wire. Old shopping carts. An axle.
The guy gives Mitch fifteen bucks. You guys know I’m doing you a favor he says. I’m not gonna get fifteen bucks for that wheelbarrow. You know that right.
Yeah we say.
Good he says. Then since I’m doing you a favor you can do me one. Next time you cat shit–smelling motherfuckers get some idea to steal something and pawn it you go to a different fucking store. Right? Go to Double Eagle over on Division. Fuckin’ chalkers the pawn dude says.
Mitch goes to give me half of the fifteen but I say that’s okay. We each got twelve bucks now. Plus three left over. We ain’t making it to Kittlestedt’s but that’s okay. We’ll go over to the east side where a fucker can still be king for twelve.
And that leaves us three bucks to eat on. It ain’t enough for no fucking fish and chips. But we got enough for the Circle K.
Kings.
Mitch gets a pepperoni stick. I get a ninety-nine-cent big bag of Sun Chips. And we split a Dr. Pepper. The clerk wrinkles his nose but fuck him.
Then Mitch and me start walking toward the east side. I wish I would have thought to ask that coffee shop guy when that girl works again. The one who I went to middle school with. Fuck me. I think I forgot her name again.
I can’t even taste the fucking Sun Chips. It’s like they got no taste at all.
Then Mitch starts telling the whole story. Remember that free scone you got us.
Like I wasn’t even there. Yeah I say.
And you saw that fucking wheelbarrow like you blew out your birthday candles and wished for it.
I laugh at that. Yeah.
And we come back and that fucking dog is scooting on his ass. And even though I was there for all of it I laugh at every fucking thing he tells me about our day. We walk and Mitch tells the whole fucking story again. I think he’s gonna tell that story forever. And I didn’t laugh once when we were doing that shit. But now it all seems so fucking funny I can’t hardly stand it.
I guess remembering is better than living.
And what about that dude waving his remote control Mitch says.
Yeah what the fuck was that.
Maybe he was a fucking Jedi knight Mitch says and we gotta stop walking we’re laughing so hard. Fucking Ben Kenobi I say. And we both bend over laughing. And fuck me it’s nice to be out walking. To have twelve bucks in your pocket and some tasteless Sun Chips in your belly. We walk and we laugh. All the way over to the east side.
Statistical Abstract for My Hometown of Spokan
e, Washington
1. The population of Spokane, Washington, is 203,268. It is the 104th biggest city in the United States.
2. Even before the great recession, in 2008, 36,000 people in Spokane lived below the poverty line—a little more than 18 percent of the population. That’s about the same percentage as Washington, D.C. at the time. The poverty rate was 12.5 percent in Seattle.
3. Spokane is sometimes called the biggest city between Seattle and Minneapolis, but this is only true if you ignore everything below Wyoming, including Salt Lake City, Denver, Phoenix, and at least four cities in Texas.
4. This is really just another way of saying nobody much lives in Montana or the Dakotas.
5. My grandfather arrived in Spokane in the 1930s, on a freight train he’d jumped near Fargo. Even he didn’t want to live in the Dakotas.
6. On any given day in Spokane, Washington, there are more adult men per capita riding children’s BMX bikes than in any other city in the world.
7. I’ve never been sure where these guys are going on these little bikes, their knees up around their ears as they pedal. They all wear hats—ball caps in summer, stocking caps in winter. I’ve never been sure, either, whether the bikes belong to their kids or if they’ve stolen them. It may be that they just prefer BMX bikes to ten-speeds. Many of them have lost their driver’s licenses after too many DUIs.
8. I was born in Spokane in 1965. Beginning in about 1978, when I was thirteen, I wanted to leave.
9. I’m still here.
10. In 2000 and 2001, the years I most desperately wanted to move out of Spokane, 2,632 illegal aliens were deported by the Spokane office of the U.S. Border Patrol. They were throwing people out of Spokane and I still couldn’t leave.
11. In 1978, I had a BMX bike. It didn’t have a chain guard, and since I favored bellbottom jeans, my pant legs were constantly getting snagged. This would cause me to pitch over the handlebars and into the street. My cousin stole that bike once, but he pretended he’d just borrowed it without my permission and eventually he gave it back. Later on it was stolen for good by an older guy in my neighborhood named Steve. I was in my front yard afterward, being lectured by my father for leaving my bike out unprotected, when I saw Steve go tooling past our house on the bike he’d just stolen from me. Stocking cap on his head, knees up around his ears. I was too scared to say anything. Fear has often overtaken me during such situations. I hated myself for that. Far more than I hated Steve.
