by Toni Aleo
Soon tears leaked out of the side of her eyes as she cuddled into his chest, needing his comfort. When they were younger, she had always imagined having his children and watching them grow with him, but then she grew up and saw that it would be cruel for her to bring a child into this world. Especially a little girl. It would basically be a form of murder, and that wasn’t fair to her unborn child.
She wouldn’t do it.
She couldn’t do it.
And while the thought of losing Karson over it practically killed her inside, she knew it was the right choice. Even if it was one that could ultimately ruin her marriage.
She cuddled into his chest and his arms came around her, holding her close as her lips pressed onto the spot above his heart. As she lay in the cocoon of his warm arms, she wondered if she could chance it. Maybe it would work out, maybe their daughter would grow up to be a healthy adult with no problems at all. But then what if she grew up and developed the cancer Lacey had fought. The same cancer her mother and even her grandmother had had to fight? Would it be fair to watch her daughter battle for her life when she had the choice not to bring that child into the world?
She didn’t think so.
Opening her eyes, she looked up at his chin as the tears slowly leaked out of her eyes. She couldn’t do it, but she couldn’t lose him either. Would he understand once she got the balls to voice her fears? She shouldn’t be scared to tell him her deepest and darkest fears. He was supposed to support her no matter what, and she knew he would. That’s why she couldn’t tell him. He would be miserable as long as she was happy, and she couldn’t do that to him. She loved him too much.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered before kissing his chin.
“You won’t,” he answered and she swore her heart stopped. She hadn’t known he was awake. She had thought he had fallen back asleep. Looking down at her, he cupped her face and kissed her nose. “I don’t know what you are holding in, but I can practically hear your brain going a million miles a minute.”
Her heart was in her throat as his eyes searched hers. Clearing his own throat, he said, “I am here and I’m not going anywhere, Lacey, and neither are you. The sooner you realize that, the better. I bet getting all that out of your head would make you feel better too, and when you’re ready to unload it on me, I’ll be here.”
She didn’t know how to answer him so she only nodded before pressing her lips to his. She didn’t want to admit that he was right, but she bet her eyes told him he was.
“I’m sorry, Karson,” she whispered against his lips.
“For what? You’ve done nothing wrong,” he said roughly against her lips, his eyes searching hers. “Even what you are keeping in isn’t as bad as you think, I bet.”
“I just want to be with you forever,” she said and he squeezed his arms around her. Despite their wanting two totally different things, she wanted Karson for the rest of her existence. He was it for her. Her one true love.
“You will be.”
Closing her eyes tightly, she prayed to God he was right.
But she couldn’t shake the feeling that their time was limited like it had been before.
And she couldn’t shake the feeling for the next four days. Of course, Karson was amazing, always the doting husband, and he never brought up what they’d discussed in that bed. She wasn’t sure if he was giving her time or if he knew the truth and didn’t want to accept it. She didn’t know which one was worse. While she loved that he was giving her time to figure everything out, she hated it. She should just be honest, voice her choice, but it scared her that he would just accept it and live unhappily until the moment he decided she wasn’t worth it. And then she would be left alone.
Something she just couldn’t be after being with him.
Knowing that he might suspect that she didn’t want children killed her too. It furthered her assumption that he would just brush her decision under the rug and go on with life like it wasn’t a big deal. But it was. She could still remember when they were younger and they discussed having kids. They were so young and silly, but they were Karson and Lacey. She loved the way they were together.
“I think we should have two boys and a girl,” he said, his eyes shining with excitement. “But not till we are old, like thirty.”
“For sure,” she agreed. “I’ve got to start my business, and you’ve got to kick ass in the NHL before we bring kids into the world.”
“Absolutely. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure we are good and rich in a huge house before we have kids.”
She rolled her eyes, flicking her finger along his chin. “Doesn’t matter if we are rich or have a big house, Karson. It matters if we are happy.”
“Well, yeah, but my kids aren’t going to grow up without everything they need.”
“They’ll have everything they need as long as we love them,” she pointed out as she met his gaze. “I didn’t need anything but my mom’s love, and that’s all you needed from your parents.”
“You’re right,” he agreed, a grin pulling at his lips. “So we’ll wait till we are thirty, and we’ll have two boys and a girl, right?”
“Why two boys?” she laughed. “What about three girls?”
“The hell? I’m not paying for all those weddings!”
She giggled. “Weddings? No one will get near your girls,” she teased and he nodded, stone-faced.
“Damn right, I’ll have my shotgun cleaned out every day,” he said. “But no, really, I need hockey players.”
“Fine,” she shrugged. “Two girls and a boy.”
“No, two boys and girl. So she can be our princess and you can be my queen,” he said with a wink.
Her face warmed. “Okay, you talked me into it…since you know we can control this,” she said and he laughed.
“This is true, but still. I think we should name them Karter with a K, Kameron, with a K, and Kami, with a K, of course.”
Her brows came in as she shook her head. “Let me remind you, I am not down with a houseful of K names. No way.”
“K is a solid letter.”
She laughed. “So is every other letter in the alphabet.”
“I wouldn’t be scared of some dude with a Y name.”
She gave him a deadpan look. “You’re right, but still. Only one K name.”
“I’m telling my mom,” he teased and she laughed.
“Shut up, what about Karter with a K, Greyson, and Addison?”
His lip curled as she shrugged. “Let’s let this go for a while. We have ten years till we have kids, so we’ll revisit this when I knock you up. Maybe by then you’ll come up with something a little better than those names.”
She glared. “I like my names. They are better than all Ks.”
“I tend to disagree, but it’s okay because I like you and all your stupid names,” he smirked, cuddling his nose against hers. Leaning her back in the bed, his hand went up her ribs, and when she stopped him, he grinned. “So no practicing for babies yet?”
She smiled. “Not yet.”
He nodded, wrapping her up in his arms and kissing her nose. “I can wait. For both.”
“Me too,” she agreed. “I can’t wait, though.”
“Me neither,” he said against her lips. “It’s going to be amazing—our life together.”
And it was. It was everything she’d ever imagined. The love, the sex, the togetherness—they had it all, but would it be enough for him when she told him the truth? She wasn’t sure, but she couldn’t think of that right now. Not when she was watching him pull his bag out of the trunk so that one of the Assassins’ workers could take it.
He was leaving.
For two weeks.
She had been so stressed out about the kid thing that she hadn’t even realized time was slipping through her fingers. Looking around, she saw all the players with their families. They were hugging, some kids were crying, but the wives seemed to be pros while Lacey was a big, blubbering mess. Big fat tears ran down h
er face as he handed his bag off and then looked over at her, his lips curving at one side.
“It’s only for two weeks. Don’t look at me like that,” he said before reaching for her and pulling her into his chest, hard. Wrapping her up like he was never going to see her again, he kissed her lips, wiping her tears away with his thumbs. “It won’t be long at all, sweetheart. Don’t cry.”
“I just don’t want you to leave,” she cried, sucking in a deep breath.
“I know. I don’t want to leave, but we both know I have to.”
“Yeah, I know,” she said with a nod. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll miss you more,” he promised, kissing her lips again. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she deepened the kiss, praying that it would hold her over until he returned. It was going to be a long fourteen days, and she hoped it wouldn’t be too much torture without him.
“I’ll call you every chance I get.”
“I’ll be waiting,” she said, her lips dusting against his. His eyes were full of worry and maybe a little bit of regret. She didn’t like that at all and mentally slapped herself. There was no reason to worry him or make him feel bad for having to leave. This was his career. This is how he helped support them. Wiping away her tears, she smiled and said with as much strength as she could muster, “I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah, you will. It will go quick.”
“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “Make sure you win for me.”
“I always win for you,” he said with a wink before kissing her lips again. “I’ll call you when I land.”
“Okay, I love you,” she said, kissing him again.
“I love you more,” he swore, kissing her one more time before letting her go and slowly walking backward. “I’ll see you soon.”
She could only nod as she covered her lips with her hand, holding in her sob. The last time she watched him walk away, he left her for good. This time though, she didn’t feel like she was dying inside because she knew he was coming back. Though, it still sucked to see him leave. When he sent her one last wave before disappearing onto the plane, she let out the breath she was holding and let her arms fall to her sides.
“First time leaving, huh?”
Lacey turned suddenly to see Elli with her mass of children. The three boys ran circles around her while the girls stood just as pretty as their mommy, holding her hands.
“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “It’s hard.”
Elli smiled. “Yeah, I used to act like he was leaving for good, but now, I can say bye without the tears. So do the kiddos, huh?”
“Daddy will be back soon,” the tallest one said. Her eyes were bright and so beautiful.
“He goes to win hockey for us,” her sister said, a sweet little grin on her face.
“They love their daddy,” Elli said with a nod. “Once you two have children, watching him leave won’t be so hard ’cause you’ll have the kids to keep you busy.”
Lacey’s heart ached as she slowly nodded. “Yeah.”
“Anyway, I stopped to tell you to call me if you need anything. If you want to come over and watch a movie with me and my crew, you’re more than welcome to. You’re always welcome at the Adler casa.”
“Thank you, Elli. That means a lot to me,” Lacey said and it did. She didn’t think they had clicked when they first met, but maybe she was wrong. Elli was really nice.
“Anytime! This coming Friday, the girls and I are getting together for a wives-only night to watch the game, drink wine, and just spend time together without our kids. You should come!”
“Yeah, just send me a reminder,” Lacey said, but she didn’t think she would go to that. When it was just her and Elli, it was fine, but when she was surrounded by everyone, it was weird. She felt like an outsider, and she didn’t like feeling like that.
“Of course, hang in there, lady. He’ll be home in no time. Two weeks is nothing, but the month-long ones suck!”
“Month-long ones?” she asked in horror and Elli smiled.
“Yeah, but don’t worry, we wives stick together.”
“Thanks a lot,” she said, returning the smile as Elli nodded.
“Okay, well, I’ll let you get home. Call me anytime.”
“I will,” she said, even though she knew she wouldn’t. Elli was very nice, and she knew she meant well, but she didn’t know Elli like she knew, say Rachel. With her husband on that plane, she was officially completely alone in Nashville.
And that didn’t sit well with her at all.
Karson was worried about Lacey.
He wasn’t sure if it was his imagination or if she really was as miserable as she sounded. Every time he talked to her, she didn’t seem like herself. She was very short with her answers and mostly let him do the talking. It was weird. She was usually so full of life, and he didn’t know what to do to make it better. It was killing him. He shouldn’t feel bad for having to leave her, but he did, and he wasn’t sure what to do about it.
For the first time in years, he was actually considering retiring. He always thought he would play until he was old and unable to move, but after spending so many years away from her, he realized that maybe he should retire. It would give him time to be with her, start a family, and live a life with her, but as soon as the thought came to mind, he knew he couldn’t do it. He lived for hockey, and while, yes, he lived now for Lacey, she was going to have to adjust.
This was his career, the way he was going to give her everything she could ever need. He would put their children through school on this salary and travel the world with it. As hard as it was on both of them, they would survive. They loved each other more than anything in this world, and some time apart was always good. It made coming home and being together even more precious. They would just need to adjust, and then everything would be fine.
When his phone rang, he looked down, hoping it was Lacey, but still pleased to see it was his mom. If anyone would know what to do, it would be Regina King.
“Ma, what’s up?”
“Hey sweetheart, just calling to check in.”
“That’s cool, how are you?”
“Good, my hip’s been acting up. It’s a little suspect, I think.”
“Damn suspect hips, I have one myself,” he said with a grin and she laughed.
“We are getting old, my dear.”
“We are. It’s sad.”
“It is,” she laughed. “How’s LA?”
“It’s LA,” he answered with a grimace.
“That sounds nice. Are you busy? Out sight-seeing?”
He let out a breath, running his fingers through his hair. “I’m in the hotel.”
“Why? Aren’t the boys out? Isn’t that what you guys do?”
“It is,” he said, closing his eyes and squeezing them tight.
“Okay? Why aren’t you? Are you sick? What’s wrong?”
“No, it’s not that, Ma,” he said, opening them and shaking his head. “I just feel like an asshole out enjoying the city with Lacey at home, alone.”
“Why is she alone? Has she not made friends yet?” she asked as he leaned back in the bed.
“Nope, not yet. I know that my boss has invited her out, but she hasn’t gone. I don’t know. I feel bad, you know?”
“Well, I can see that, but it’s part of being a hockey wife, Karson. She’ll be fine. She’s a strong girl,” his mother said, making him feel somewhat better, but still something kept him from completely committing to the idea of Lacey being fine.
“I don’t know, Ma. I mean, I even considered retiring; that’s how worried about her I am.”
“Karson, that’s insane. She’ll be fine. You’re treating her like a damn precious jewel. She’ll be fine.”
“She is, though, but it’s not only that. She isn’t acting like Lacey. It makes me nervous that she’s gonna hightail it back to Chicago before I can even get home.”
His mother tsked him, making him feel like he was nine again before saying, “You need to
get that notion out of your head. That girl isn’t going anywhere. She is completely committed to you, honey. This is the first time you two are apart since getting married. It will get easier.”
“But what if I’m not worth waiting on?” he asked, almost in a whisper. He knew he could say anything to his mother and she wouldn’t judge him at all. Neither would his father, but he would take his fair share of name-calling before Karl actually consoled him.
“Karson, baby, come on,” she said, and he could almost see her shaking her head. “You don’t believe that, do you?”
“I don’t know, I’m just nervous. I went nine years without this woman and now I have her, and I swear, Ma, it seems like a dream. It freaks me out that, at any moment, I can wake up and she’ll be gone. I don’t deserve her. I hurt her, broke her heart, and somehow she decided to take me back. But now I’m going to be gone all the time. How is that fair to her?”
He took in a deep breath and was surprised how much he was holding in. He didn’t realize how insecure he was of their relationship. He was always so confident in front of Lacey, but when it was just him and his mom, the truth came out. He was scared. He didn’t want to lose her.
“I can promise you, Karson, she isn’t going anywhere. When you love someone, you accept all of them and their career. She knew what she was signing up for. She knew who she loved, and that’s a hockey player. It’s hard, it sucks, and I hated every single second of it, especially when your dad left all of us alone. But in the end, I knew that he was doing it to provide for us.”
“Yeah,” Karson agreed with a nod. “You’re right.”
“I usually am, despite what your father says,” she said and he laughed.
When his laughter subsided, he asked shyly, “Do you think we’ll be okay?”
She didn’t even hesitate. “Yes. I think that you guys are going to be great. She loves you, honey, and boy, do you love her. The sparks fly when you two are together. We were all blinded by it. Stop questioning it; just love her. You can’t go wrong if you do that.”
He could do that. It was easy to love Lacey; it came naturally, but there was always Nate Martin trying to ruin them. “That’s not a problem, but what is a problem is her dad.”
