by Toni Aleo
He said not to allow her cancer to hold her back, that it didn’t define her, but for her whole adult life, even her younger life, cancer was her evil. It took her mother, her womanhood, her confidence in herself, and now because she was scared it would take all that from her child, it would ultimately take Karson away too. Because of all that, it did define her and she was terrified of it. At any moment, it could come back and take everything she had worked so hard for. And she couldn’t do that to her child. She wouldn’t.
But that more than likely meant she was going to lose Karson.
And she couldn’t decide what was worse because either way, she would lose everything.
Closing her eyes, she wished she could suffer from amnesia. Like forget everything. Forget watching her mother suffer and then die. Forget the pain, the feeling of dying and losing a part of herself that, if she wouldn’t have remembered its being there, she wouldn’t miss. She wished that she could forget how much pain she felt when she lost Karson and maybe even his presence altogether. Because maybe then the thought of his being with someone else, making a child and being happy, wouldn’t hurt so badly. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel like she was going to dissolve into nothingness because she didn’t have him.
But then again, why? Why would she want that?
If she didn’t remember watching her mother fight so hard and die trying, she wouldn’t have had the strength to fight her own battle. Yeah, she lost a piece of herself, but because of that, she was helping the world. And forgetting Karson was just plain dumb. He was her saving grace, her other half, her forever, and forgetting him would be worse than living through the pain of losing him.
Running her hands through her hair, she wished her world could be perfect. She wished that her family loved Karson, that she wasn’t scared to have children, and that they could live happily ever after. But as she sat at her desk, clicking through her email, she didn’t see that happening. She saw herself growing old and alone because no one would ever be Karson. She wanted to believe that maybe she would move on, but as soon as she thought it, she knew it was downright hilarious.
There was one person in the world for her and that was Karson.
Her forever.
Blinking back her tears, she swallowed past the lump in her throat as her desk phone rang. Glancing at it, she cleared her throat and then picked it up. “Lacey King, how can I help you?”
“Well, Mrs. King, let me tell you how you can help me,” Karson said and her heart completely stopped in her chest. “You can first explain to me how it is okay for my wife to run off and get on a plane without telling me goodbye. Without kissing me and promising that she would be back because I’m sitting here, thinking that she won’t. So please, can you help me with that?”
“Karson,” she whispered.
“Plus, Mrs. King, I think it is ridiculous that I had to call your work phone to get ahold of you,” he added, causing her lip to start to tremble. “Is your phone broken or are you ignoring it?”
She bit her lip to keep it from moving as she closed her eyes. “I’ve been busy all morning, and I was going to call you once I left the office.”
“Couldn’t text me that?”
Wiping away the tear that rolled down her face, she sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say that you love me, that you’ll be home when I get home tomorrow.”
Clearing her throat, she wiped away another round of tears as her heart thudded against her chest. “I love you, and I wish I wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye because I miss you so much,” she whispered as she sucked in a deep breath.
“Are you coming home to me, Lacey?”
She nodded even though he couldn’t see her, but then the door opened and Rachel burst in, saying, “I need you to sign this, and then I have a lady on line two who wants to order in bulk for some kind of goodie bag? For something, I don’t know, she wants to talk to you.”
When Lacey looked up, Rachel’s eyes filled with worry as Lacey said, “Karson, I need to go.”
“Seriously?” he asked. “I am trying to talk to you.”
“I know, and I’ll call you back. I promise.”
“Okay, I love you.”
“I love you too,” she said and then said bye before setting the phone down. Closing her eyes, she pinched the bridge of her nose as she said, “Now what do you need?”
“What’s wrong, first?”
“Nothing. What do you want, Rachel?” she asked, meeting her best friend’s eyes. She must have known that Lacey wasn’t in the mood because she didn’t press for info, only did what she came into the room for. After talking to Melissa Eaton about ordering over three hundred pieces for goodie bags for a breast cancer survivors’ gala for over an hour, Lacey hung up the phone and leaned back into her chair as Rachel set her with a look.
“Now that that’s all taken care of, care to explain why you look like your dog died? Did Karson end up on the internet again?”
She shook her head. “No, not at all.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
Looking across the desk, she whispered, “He’s going to leave me.”
The surprise on Rachel’s face wasn’t unexpected, but what was was that Rachel listened as Lacey cried and told her everything that had happened. Rachel didn’t try to stick up for Lacey’s father or even herself when Lacey accused her of trying to push Lacey into doing things. She just listened. Like she used to do.
Wiping away her tears, Lacey said, “I just don’t know what to do. I love him, more than I could ever explain, but he wants kids, and I can’t give them to him.”
Rachel nodded as she leaned back in her chair, holding her stomach. Earlier that morning, she’d confirmed that she was pregnant with her and Grady’s third child. Lacey wanted to be excited for a new niece or nephew, but her heart just ached for Karson and his need for his own child. “Did you ever think that this is something you two should have talked about before you got married?”
Lacey nodded. “We didn’t talk; we didn’t even think. We just did it, and I don’t regret it, I don’t. I love him, but I know this is going to end my marriage.”
Rachel shook her head, visibly upset. Lacey wasn’t sure if she wanted to say “Told you so” or if she wanted to comfort her. “Don’t you remember Maddy and Richard?”
Closing her eyes, tears stung her eyes. She did remember and wished like hell she didn’t. “Yeah,” she whispered.
“Richard didn’t want kids and Maddy wanted them so bad. She stayed with him, but then she decided she wanted more and left with everything, and he was left with nothing. He thought they were forever, but he was wrong. Plus, she knew from the beginning that he didn’t want kids. Karson is just finding out.”
“I know,” she said, her throat closing with emotion.
“If he decides that it isn’t worth it, then he’ll leave you.”
“I know,” she said again, wiping away her tears as she sucked in a deep breath.
Leaning up, Rachel held her gaze and said, “Lacey, let him go. I know you love him, and I get it, but there is so much that isn’t working for you two. And sometimes love isn’t enough. You aren’t adjusting well to Nashville, to making friends. You hate when he is gone, he has sluts trying to get with him all over the place, and your family and your business are here. Plus, on top of all that, we all hate him. Maybe it’s time to accept defeat and just let him go.”
Lacey shook her head. “But I love him, and what if our love can hold us together?”
Setting her with a look that told her she was dumb, Rachel said, “Then what are you worried about? If your love is so strong and can withstand Hurricane ‘I Don’t Want Babies’ and everything else that gets thrown at you two, then why are you worried he is going to leave you?”
She bit the inside of her cheek as she looked away. Rachel had a point, one that was slowly cutting Lacey open and gutting her. If it wasn’t going to happen, why was she so worried about it?
>
Maybe she didn’t believe in their love like she thought she did.
Maybe it wasn’t as strong as she hoped.
Maybe it was time to let go.
Karson had played the worst game of his life.
It was just sad and ridiculous, and he wasn’t the least bit surprised when Coach threw him down to the fourth line. He sucked.
Majorly.
Embarrassed didn’t even cover what he was feeling. He was mortified. He had never played that horribly, never, not even in pee wees. He was missing shots, missing passes, and acting as if he hadn’t skated a day in his life. It was insane and it was entirely his wife’s fault. Or maybe his fault. He wasn’t sure, but he needed to get home. He was ready to talk this out and fix it so they could move forward.
This was stupid. He still couldn’t believe she just took off and didn’t even talk to him. That was going to have to stop. She couldn’t run or shut down every time there was a fucking problem. He was her partner, her everything; she needed to talk to him. He was there to be her rock, to support her and love her unconditionally. So why not take the support he offered? He understood that she was upset, and that was fine, but she had to allow him to help. It was his job. At least that’s how he felt about the whole thing.
Pulling into the driveway, his brow rose when he didn’t see any lights on. Maybe she’d gone to bed. It was late, and she’d had a late flight, so maybe she just hit the sheets. Deciding that was okay since he missed holding her, he rushed out of the cold, slamming the door behind him.
“Hey Lacey,” he called out, kicking off his boots and hanging up his jacket. “I’m home.”
But there was no answer. She must be asleep. Locking the door, he took the stairs two steps at a time, but when he entered their room, it was empty.
“Lacey?” he called, but it was silent. Looking around, nothing was clean and everything was exactly as he’d left it. Messy, of course, which meant Lacey wasn’t there because she would have cleaned. To make sure though before he started to panic, he rushed downstairs, calling her name and looking all over the place.
But she wasn’t there.
Cupping the back of his neck, he felt dizzy as he came to the realization that his wife hadn’t come home. Jerkily, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed her number as his heart pounded in his chest, vibrating his soul. When she didn’t answer, he called again and then again. Finally, she answered, her voice full of remorse as she said, “Karson.”
Just his name. And it felt like knives going into his chest, one by one.
Billions of them.
“Lacey, where are you? I’ve called a few times, and I just got home and you aren’t here,” he said, panicked.
“I’m still in Chicago,” she answered, taking in a sharp breath.
“Why? Do you have something tonight or tomorrow? I thought you said you were coming home?”
Silence stretched between them and he could hear her trying to hold in her tears. He knew the truth before she uttered the words. “I’m not coming back.”
Glaring at the wall, he swallowed past the lump that was his heart and asked, “What do you mean?”
“It just isn’t working.”
“Again, what do you mean?”
“I mean, we are two different people now. You want kids, and I don’t. You’re beyond messy, and I’m not. I’m not adjusting to Nashville, it’s hard to be away from my family, and I just don’t think this was a good idea.”
“Do you really believe that?” he asked, unable to breathe as he waited for her answer.
“I don’t want to lose you, I really don’t, but I also don’t want you to break it off with me because I’m not everything you thought I was.”
“Who said you aren’t everything I want, Lacey? I never said that, did I?”
“No, but I just feel like I’m not. I bet you thought you were getting a wife who would adjust beautifully, who was made to be a hockey wife, and who was able to give you an abundance of children, but that’s not me. I hate when you are gone, I hate being away from the only place I know, and I refuse to have a child. How am I good for you?”
He was going to wring her neck. “How is it that someone who I think is so beautiful and amazing and perfect can be so fucking insecure about our relationship? This is new. We have to fight to get through the shit, but we are meant to be together—”
“But I’m not—”
“No, I’m not done—”
“But I am. I don’t know how to live with the constant fear that you will wake up and decide I’m not the one for you.”
“Lacey, I haven’t done that in the last nine years! Every day I wake up, I think of you and think of how much I love you. I’ve never fucking stopped, so how in the world, even after living without you for so long, am I going to wake up and do that when I have the chance to wake up to you? It doesn’t make any fucking sense!”
“We aren’t who we were though. You were in love with someone else.”
He laughed. “Are you freaking kidding me? You still are hardheaded, a pain in my ass, and a clean freak who loves hockey and loves helping people. You make me laugh, you turn me on so fucking bad, and I honestly think that just the last twenty-four hours I’ve been away from you is too long apart. I need you, Lacey, like I need to breathe. I am in love with you, only you—nothing will ever change that. Not even your little running stint you’ve done.”
As she cried softly in his ear, his heart broke as he asked, “Do you love me, Lacey?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “But I’ve loved you my whole life, and maybe love isn’t enough.”
“No, it is. If you love me, come home and everything else will fall into place. Together we can do anything.”
He waited for her to agree. It was a simple request, an easy one, and it was the right thing to do. Yeah, things were rough right now, but everyone went through rough patches. They would figure everything out and they would be just fine. She just had to trust him. Believe in them.
“I just don’t think I can because, no matter how much I love you, it won’t give you everything you need.”
“As long as you love me, that’s all I need. I just need your love.”
“No, you need more, and I don’t think I can give it to you.”
“Come home, Lacey. It will all work out.”
“I don’t think it will,” she whispered. “Maybe we just need some time apart, some time to think.”
“That’s the last fucking thing we need,” he exclaimed. “Stop this. Come home to me.”
“I can’t.”
The two words became his undoing. Swallowing hard, past the lump in his throat and the tears that threatened to fall, he begged, “Yes, you can. Where is the woman who I married? Because I don’t know this person. This coward I am talking to. You promised you’d never leave me.”
“And so did you, all those years ago. So I guess we both broke our promises.”
“I had no choice. You have a choice, or maybe this is your dad’s doing again. Is he sitting there coaching you on how to leave me?” he snapped, tears welling up in his eyes.
“No, he doesn’t even know,” she cried. “Only Rachel knows and even she didn’t try to talk me into this. I made this decision myself.”
“Bullshit,” he sneered. “If you love me, you wouldn’t want to leave me.”
“I am trying to protect us from a world of hurt later. If we continue this and later decide that it was a waste, then what?”
“Then at least we fucking tried. At least we fought for what we believed in. I believe in us, in you, and I don’t think we will ever break up. I think we will live a great life because I am going to do everything I can to guarantee that,” he begged. “Lacey, I thought you believed in us too. What happened? What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything. It’s me.”
“Really? You are going to do the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing?”
“I just don’t want to waste your tim
e.”
“Let me make that fucking decision.”
“No, because if I stay with you, I’ll fall harder than ever, and then when you decide you’re done, I’ll be broken. Every second I’m with you, I fall deeper in love with you. I can’t be broken again. It was the worst thing I have ever been through.”
“So you aren’t broken now?” he asked, completely and utterly pissed off. “Because I am.”
Swallowing loudly, she let out a sob, and he wanted to reach through the phone and shake her. This was killing her, so why was she still doing it?
“You know I don’t care about the kid thing, right?”
“That’s a lie,” she snapped. “A fucking lie. Don’t lie to me to make me feel better.”
“No, I love you. I don’t need anything else but you,” he reiterated. “Come home and I’ll show you that.”
“No, you don’t understand. You don’t know what it is like to sit here and know that I can’t be the woman you deserve. To know that I’ll never hold my own child, feed it with my own milk, and give it the world. I want to be everything you deserve, but I can’t be. That’s why I am ending this.”
It was like she’d struck him. “Oh wow. Really? So you are ending it?”
“It’s what’s best.”
“It’s bullshit,” he snapped. “I don’t care about the baby stuff. Yeah, I want kids, but I want you more than that. You think you are less of a woman, but you are the woman for me. I don’t need anything, anyone, but you, Lacey. Do you need counseling? I will go with you. Please don’t do this to me.”
She sniffed loudly before letting go of another sob as his body shook with anger. He didn’t understand any of this, and he hated more than anything that they were doing it over the phone. He wanted to help, he wanted to make things better, and he couldn’t do it long-distance. He needed to be with her. “Just come home, Lacey. We can fix this. It isn’t lost yet.”
“You can’t fix everything.”
“Yes, I can, or I’ll fucking die trying. Come home.”
“No,” she answered and that was when the tear rolled down his cheek. “I can’t.”
