by Mia Clark
"How long are you going to be here?" Caleb asks.
"Um... just a week or two, I think?" I say. "I'm not sure yet. We're kind of playing it by ear, I guess."
"Cool, cool," Caleb says. Silence again, for a little while. "Hey, we should hang out sometime or something."
He's moving closer now. He's leaning towards me. Why is he looking at me like that? Is he going to kiss me? What do I do? I mean, I know what I do, sort of. I don't let him kiss me, that's what! I think?
I don't know how any of this works. I feel safer and better with Ethan. We have rules, and an understanding, and it's not like we need the rules, but I like having them. I know where I stand with Ethan, if that makes any sense? I know what we are, and even though I don't always know what he's thinking, I just...
I don't even know Caleb! He can't kiss me! That's just weird. I'm sure he's a good kisser and all, but... wait, Ashley, why are you thinking about what kind of kisser he is? That's not even important. It's...
"What the fuck are you doing?"
Oh, shit, that's Ethan.
Ethan comes up and pulls Caleb away. Who, apparently, was not trying to kiss me. The water jug was about to overflow and he was leaning forward and reaching out to turn it off. I don't even know how I misconstrued that as kissing, except apparently Ethan thought so, too, or thought something, at least.
Ethan jerks Caleb away from me and the water. I reach down to turn off the faucet myself, and then grab the top and twist it back on. Everything is all set. We can go now. We can leave.
Maybe.
"What's your problem, man?" Caleb says to Ethan.
"Me? What the fuck are you getting so close to Ashley for?" Ethan asks.
"We were just talking. I was helping with the water."
"Look, dude," Ethan says, "She's not stupid. She knows how to turn the water off. This girl has always had perfect fucking grades, so don't treat her like an idiot."
"What are you talking about? I wasn't. Like I said, I was just trying to help."
"Ethan," I say. "It's fine. Really. Caleb was just being nice."
It looks like they're going to fight. I'm pretty sure Ethan would win, but I don't want to see the outcome of a fight, regardless. I don't know what would happen, either. Would we get kicked out of the campground for fighting with the owner's son?
Worse yet, would Ethan's dad make Ethan leave without us, since he was the one starting trouble? I don't want to be here if I'm not with Ethan. I'm sure camping is fun and all, but it just wouldn't be the same.
Ethan and Caleb have a stare down. I'm not sure who's winning. Boys and their stare downs kind of confuse me. Ethan grunts and looks away first, then grabs the water jug, hefting it up in both his hands, holding it close to his chest. Caleb softens as soon as Ethan looks away, relieved.
"Let's go," Ethan says to me. "I don't know what my dad was thinking sending you here to do this. He should have just asked me to do it. This shit's heavy."
"I can carry it," I say. "You didn't have to come and help me."
He looks at me, and it's the same expression as before, nothing different, but there's something in his eyes that seems hurt? I don't really know. I didn't mean to hurt him.
"Look, I didn't mean to start any trouble before," Caleb says. "I get that she's your sister and some guy just broke up with her, so you have a right to be protective. I was just trying to help, that's all."
"It was nice of you, Caleb," I say, hoping to defuse this situation before it gets bad again. "Thank you."
Ethan grunts, but doesn't say anything. He starts walking back to our campsite.
Without me. He doesn't even say anything to me, doesn't even wait for me, he just walks away. What the heck?
"See you later, Ashley," Caleb says, smiling. "I'm sure I'll see you around."
"Bye, Caleb," I say, waving to him before hurrying after Ethan.
We walk side by side quietly for awhile. I'm not sure if I should say anything, but, no, I'm going to say something! He can't just do those things, and act that way, and be a huge jerk for no reason, you know?
"What's your issue?" I ask him, rather forward.
"My issue?" Ethan asks, indignant.
"Yes, yours."
"Listen, Princess," he says. "It's him. That Caleb dude whatever. I don't like the way he's looking at you. He's obviously got a crush, and then my dad saying all that shit before. It just pisses me off, alright? Are you happy now?"
"I'm not happy, Ethan," I say. "It's not like I wanted your dad to say that. I'm not trying to flirt with Caleb, either. You don't have to—"
Worry about anything. That's what I was going to say, but Ethan stops and stares at me.
"Hold up, was that guy flirting with you?" he asks.
"No!" I say. "I mean, I don't think so? I'm not sure."
"What the fuck, how do you not know if someone is flirting with you?" he asks.
"I'm not as experienced a flirter as you!" I counter.
We're yelling now. It's not the loudest argument ever, but it's pretty loud. I think it seems louder because it's just us in the middle of the camp woods. Thankfully no one else is around us. I hope no one hears us.
"Do you want him to flirt with you?" Ethan asks. "Is that what this is about?"
"Is that what what's about? You aren't making any sense. Also, every girl likes compliments, so if that's what he was doing and if that's what you consider flirting, then, yes, I like that."
"Holy fuck," Ethan says, shaking his head. "I compliment you, you know? I flirt with you. If that's not enough for you, I don't know what the fuck to say."
"I didn't say that! This isn't a competition, Ethan. I don't even think he was flirting with me. I'm just saying I'm not good at this and I don't know what flirting is exactly. I think he was just trying to be nice, that's all."
"I get it," Ethan says. "Really, I do. Don't worry about it."
"Ethan..."
I guess that's it for now. We walk the rest of the way in silence. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to argue with him, I just want to talk to him and explain everything to him but I don't feel comfortable doing it out in the open like this. I wish we were back home so that we could talk alone in the privacy of my bedroom or his, or in the car out for a drive, or anywhere.
I don't know. I really don't.
*** Ethan
I can't even fucking... I don't know. I just can't even. There's nothing more to it than that.
This shit doesn't make sense. Am I not good enough for her? Does she want Caleb or something? To date him? And what the fuck is up with that "I don't know what flirting" is bullshit? How can she not know what flirting us? I seriously can't even comprehend that statement.
It's like saying she doesn't know how to breathe. We all know how to breathe, Princess. It's kind of an essential part of life.
What if she really doesn't know what flirting is, though? Shit. I'm an asshole, then, huh? It seems like something everyone knows, but maybe she's right. I do have a lot more experience than her. Is that bad? Does she feel like, uh... does she think it's bad?
I don't exactly think it's good, but I can't change any of that, now can I? Nah, not really. Sort of, but I don't like that idea.
I can't have less experience, but she can have more. Thinking about it pisses me off, though, angry as fuck.
Whatever. I'm done with this. I don't want to think about it anymore.
That's what I tell myself, except I keep thinking about it, can't stop dwelling on it, and all through dinner I'm just super fucking pissed and I'm pretty sure everyone can tell. Ashley and her mom are whispering to each other about something, I don't even know. Ashley's mom talks to my dad, and he nods.
You know what I do? Roast some fucking hot dogs and eat them. We have a bag of chips, too. Real traditional campground food right here, nothing crazy. I eat and get pissed off more, and eat more, and... yeah.
It's a never-ending cycle, I guess. The circle of fucking life over here, except
I guess it's actually just the circle of me being pissed off. Yeah yeah, I'm used to it. I used to be an angry kid, too. I thought I was over it a long time ago, but I guess not.
Everyone's done. We're clearing up. The fire is down to regular levels, just crackling, nice and warm but not super bright. Ashley takes off and heads to the tent.
"Are you sure you don't want to share a tent with your mom?" my dad asks.
Fuck off, Dad. Seriously, just go fuck off. I don't mean to call my own dad a dick, but right now he's being a dick.
"No, it's fine," Ashley says, smiling. "Thank you, though."
She unzips the tent, but before she gets in, she smiles at me, too. Waves a little.
Yeah... good night, Princess. Sorry. I love you...
"Hey, can we talk for a second?" my dad says to me as soon as Ashley's zipped up in the tent.
"Yeah sure," I say.
He gets up. I guess we're going for a walk in the woods or something, some father and son bonding time.
Or not. Fuck.
"What are you doing?" my dad asks. "Caleb seems nice. You need to leave him and Ashley alone. Let them have fun and get to know each other."
Can he say anything worse than that right now? If he can, I don't know what it would be. Seriously, no fucking clue, and I'm pretty sure that's the worst. I don't want to hear this shit.
"We're only going to be here for a week or two," I remind him, trying to be logical here. How does Ashley do it? Fuck if I know. "It's not like anything serious can happen."
"Who said anything about serious?" my dad asks. "That's how long you always spent with your girl of the week, isn't it? You seem to have figured out how to have fun and spend time with them given a limited timeframe."
Wow. Holy fucking wow. Did he really just say that? Fuck!
"She deserves better, Dad," I say, trying to calm down. I'm seeing red, though. It's dark as fuck and we're in the middle of the woods and the only thing I can see is bright fucking red.
"It's not up to you to decide what Ashley deserves. She can make her own decisions. Maybe this is good for her, too. I don't know. Breakups are always hard, and sometimes rebound relationships like this can help. You of all people should understand that relationships don't always have to be serious, Ethan."
"Yeah, I guess so," I say.
It's true, right? Who the fuck am I to fight against my own past. I never treated anything serious before. I was the rebound relationship guy more than once. I liked being that guy. I liked showing girls a good time, helping them get over their shitty relationships with asshole douchebags, and then moving on to do it again.
I can rationalize it all I want, but it doesn't change what I did.
Well, fuck.
"Just let it play out," my dad says. "For all we know, nothing's going to happen. Ashley might not even like him. If so, that's fine, but don't force her away from him, alright? Let it happen on its own. Got it?"
Fuck you, Dad. "Yeah, got it."
We head back to the campsite again. Ashley's mom is sitting by the fire, packing up some of our leftovers, bagging the trash.
"You look tired," she says to me. "Maybe you should get some sleep?"
"You sure you don't need help?" I ask.
"There's not a lot," she says, smiling. "Go, go. Have a good night, Ethan."
I don't know what that smile is about. Maybe she doesn't realize what the fuck is going on here. I sure do. I hear it loud and clear.
I go to the tent I'm sharing with Ashley, unzip it, and step inside. Our sleeping bags are all set up, plus our bags with our clothes are stuffed away in the back, pillows and shit, all our things. Her shoes are by the front flap, and I take mine off to leave them there, too.
Before I zip up the tent, I look down at her. She's huddled in her sleeping bag, with only her face visible, holding the top tight against her with her hands. She's watching me. Uh... hey to you, too, Princess?
I don't fucking know. I zip the tent up and settle down. I think I'm settling down, at least, getting into my sleeping bag, but before I can, she sweeps back the top of her sleeping bag and uh...
Holy shit. No, for real, holy shit.
She's got sleepwear on, I guess you could call it. And by that I mean it's some sexy as fuck skimpy lingerie. I don't know what this shit's called, I just like to look at it. It's white and thin enough to see through, with little spaghetti straps around her shoulders, and a slim piece of lace fabric covering her breasts, and her stomach, down to the middle of her body. That's about where that ends. What the fuck do you call this? Negligee or teddy or something?
I don't know, but I can't stop staring. She's got a matching pair of white panties, too. I can't see through those, but I can basically see through the rest. It's kind of dark, but the campfire gives me enough light to fully enjoy and appreciate her body.
Yeah, there's a lot of appreciation going on right about now.
Seriously, holy shit.
Ashley reaches out for my hand, taking it in hers. We hold hands for a few seconds, just soft and nice like that, then she brings my hand to the bottom of her negligee. I touch the lace and her skin, just letting my fingers enjoy her. She moves my hand up under her lingerie, then up more. I move with her, tracing my palm along her stomach, then to her breasts. When I have one hand on her breast, I just... yeah, I've got two hands and her other breast looks lonely, so...
I sweep the other hand up her stomach to her other breasts, and cup them both in my palms, fingers squeezing her soft, beautiful curves. She closes her eyes and parts her lips, almost letting out a light moan, but I stop her with my mouth, kissing her. Quiet, though. Our parents are right outside, and I know they're still awake. This is kind of fucking dangerous, Princess. I don't know what you're trying to start here, but I really do want to finish it, it's just...
I move down closer to her, joining her in the sleeping bag. I just now realize that she's zipped the bottoms of our sleeping bags together. Real fucking subtle, huh? Apparently she doesn't even care. We're sleeping together and cuddling whether I want to or not.
I really fucking want to. Really really want to.
I just need to know something first. I need to let her know something first.
I can hear my dad and Ashley's mom talking by the fire. I need to do this quietly. I kiss her cheek, then whisper to her.
"Can I talk to you about something?" I ask.
"What?" she whispers back.
"You know me, right? I know you do, and part of that is knowing that I've uh... look, let's just be real for a second. I feel like an asshole for bringing this up, but I've slept with a lot of girls."
She stiffens slightly. My hands are still on her breasts and I almost take them away, because I don't want to do this like that. I'm basically on top of her right now, or almost on top of her, and here I am talking about other girls when uh...
Yeah, the lingerie is amazing. I honestly didn't expect that.
"What are you trying to say?" she asks me. "Ethan, you can talk to me about anything. You know that, right?"
"I know that's one of our rules," I tell her. "I'm trying to be open with you, but this is hard. Just give me a second, alright?"
She turns to kiss me quick, then nods. "Alright."
I gather my composure or whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be doing. Never thought I'd be saying something like this ever, but I guess I never thought I'd be in a situation like this, either. It's not easy. It's really fucking difficult, actually.
"I never really thought about it before, but I have a lot more experience than you," I tell her. "I know you haven't been with a lot of guys. Maybe it's like your missing out or something. I don't know. Do you want to have a fling with Caleb? Just a week or two or whatever, however long we're here. Sex and shit. Casual as fuck. I'd be super fucking jealous and honestly kind of pissed off, but I'll deal with it. If you think you need more experiences or something, then I don't want you to regret being with me and feeling like you're missing out. It'd ju
st be a week or two. I think I can handle that. It's not like I want to, but I'm just giving you the option here, Princess. I just..."
Fuck. I can't keep going. She can make up her mind and tell me. Now, tomorrow morning, whatever. We're here for awhile.
A part of me wants her to do it. It's not like I want her sleeping with that fuck, but he's probably a decent looking guy and maybe it's good for her. For fuck's sake, she's never even had a fling before. I've had like... a lot. I don't even know. I'd rather not think about it right now.
The rest of me doesn't even want to have this conversation, though. I don't want to think about ever having it, but I just started it, so we're having it.
I feel like shit. I seriously want to go outside and throw up right now.
"You know what?" she says to me, soft and smiling.
"What?"
"That's how we got into this mess in the first place, isn't it? Saying it'd just be a week?"
I roll my eyes at her and laugh a little, but I try to stay quiet because of her mom and my dad outside. They're still talking to each other, so I don't think they've heard us. We've just been whispering and shit, so I think we're good.
"I don't want to have a fling with Caleb," she says. "I don't want to have a fling with anyone. I do want to catch up with your experience level, Ethan, but is it alright if I just do it with you? I take back the fling thing. I do want to have flings, but I want to have them with you only. A lot of them, over and over."
"I don't think that's a fling, Princess," I say, grinning at her. "That sounds like a long term relationship."
"Maybe," she says, grinning back at me. "It's like a really long fling with a lot of benefits."
"I love benefits," I tell her.
"Just with me?" she asks, coy.
"Yeah, only you," I say.
"Show me?"
Yeah, uh... you think I'm going to turn that down? She wants more experience? I'll give it to her. I want to give her that so much, you don't even fucking know.
