by L A Cotton
“It’s nothing like that, Mom. Their quarterback is an ass.”
“Well, of course he is, baby. He feels threatened by you.” She smooshed my cheek like she did when I was a kid. “It’s one season, Kaiden. You can handle it.”
“Yeah.” It wasn’t like I had any choice. “He’s at work?”
“Yeah. His back was feeling a little easier this morning, so he went in. I’m not sure when—”
The front door opened and slammed shut.
“That must be him.” Mom’s eyes crinkled, but it wasn’t out of fondness. “We’re in here, Lew,” she called.
“You’re home?” Dad glowered at me. “They let you out of practice early?”
“No, practice already got done.”
He grunted. “What kind of two-bit program is Ford running over there?”
“Dad, come on. You know Rixon High has one of the best programs in state.”
Mom cast me a warning look. “Why don’t you sit, Lew, and I’ll get you a drink?” She tried to guide him over to a stool, but he shirked her off.
“I can get my own goddamn drink, Tina.”
“Okay, I was only offering.” She went back to the cookies, transferring them to a plate.
“Has he announced the roster yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Well, what the hell is he waiting for? You need to be on that starting lineup, Son.”
“I know, Dad. And I will be.”
“If you’d have gone to Millington like I’d wanted, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Coach Garrick was more than willing to give you game time.”
“Millington haven’t made the playoffs for almost a decade. They don’t have—”
“But they could have.” His fist slammed down on the counter. “With you running things, they could have had a real shot.”
Unwilling to listen to anymore of his bullshit, I stood up. “I’m going to change and go for a run,” I said.
My dad ripped the cap off his beer and chugged it down. “You’ll get nowhere with that has-been, Son. Nowhere.” Bitterness coated his words.
The second I hit the stairs, I heard Mom and Dad going at it. She meant well, but I wished she’d stop trying to fight my battles. I wasn’t a kid anymore and it never ended well.
“I didn’t come home to get it in the neck from you,” I heard him shout. “I’m going out.”
“Out?” She shrieked. “But you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore.”
With a heavy sigh, I went up to my room. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard a hundred times already. Dad promised to stay away from the bar and Mom baked or cleaned to make herself feel better. It was the cycle I’d grown up with.
The slam of the front door reverberated through the house. Mom would be upset, but I couldn’t find it in myself to comfort her. Not when I didn’t understand why she stayed with him. I wasn’t a kid anymore; she didn’t need to protect me.
I picked up my wireless earbuds and jammed them into my ear, hitting play on my favorite playlist and flung myself down on the bed.
Today had been a shitshow from start to end.
Less than two weeks at Rixon High, and I was already counting down the days until I could leave.
Chapter Seven
Lily
“Lily, can you come down here please?” There was a serious edge to Dad’s voice that made my spine tingle.
I pulled on a Raiders hoodie and shoved my feet into my slippers and padded downstairs. “What’s up?” I asked, entering the kitchen.
“We need to talk.”
“Okay.” My brows bunched together. “Am I in trouble?” I glanced between him and Mom, and she paled.
“No, sweetheart. Gosh, don’t ever think that. Tell her, Jase.”
“This is about Kaiden Thatcher.”
“Kaiden?” My heart did a little flip at the mention of his name.
“Did he… pressure you into doing something you didn’t want at the party?” Dad looked murderous. “You can tell us, Lil. You know that, right?”
“Excuse me? What?” I stared at them, dumbfounded.
“Jenson dropped it out at practice that Kaiden made you go into the boat shed with him and—”
“Hang on a minute,” I sucked in a harsh breath, hardly able to believe my ears. “Kaiden didn’t make me do anything. We were playing that dumb game, seven minutes in heaven, and it landed on us.”
“That doesn’t sound like you, Lily Star.” Mom gave me a weak smile that made my stomach drop.
“Gee, thanks, Mom.”
“Oh God, Lily, that’s not… that came out all wrong, baby. It’s just you’ve never…”
“Been a normal teenager?” The words made my chest ache, the weight of my reality pressing down on my rib cage. My parents were both staring at me as if they didn’t know how to handle me. As if I was some wild animal they had no experience in dealing with.
I hated it.
I always hated it.
“Lily, I didn’t mean—”
“You told me to try to embrace senior year, Mom. You said that. It was a party, everyone was playing. I thought…” I trailed off, not wanting to share everything with them.
Because that night—one of the best moments of my life—was tainted now.
The second Kaiden had realized who I was, I’d seen his stone mask slam into place. It was like looking at a totally different person.
It matters.
Two little words that hurt more than they ever should. I couldn’t blame Kaiden, not really. He didn’t know how much those few minutes in the boat shed meant to a girl like me. A girl whose entire experience with boys amounted to the numerous book boyfriends I read about and fell hopelessly in lust with on the TV. I had only ever dreamed about a first kiss that made my toes curl and my heart beat harder.
And Kaiden had given me that.
In a moment of sheer panic, he’d given me a rare gift.
I would never get to tell him now though.
Because not only was I the girl who was invisible, I was also Coach Ford’s daughter. No one would ever be good enough for me in my father’s eyes.
Something that had never been a problem before.
Until Kaiden kissed me.
“We do want you to embrace senior year, sweetheart. Dad was just concerned, that’s all.”
“Because he’s a football player or because he’s Kaiden Thatcher?” My brow arched.
“Lil, that’s not—” Dad blew out a long breath, scrubbing his jaw. “I was shocked is all, and I may have overreacted a little. His reputation is… well, let’s just say you’re too good for the likes of Kaiden Thatcher, sweetheart. Or any of the football team for that matter.”
“I bet there isn’t a guy in school you would think is good enough for me.”
“That’s not true—”
“Oh, really?” I folded my arms over my chest. “Name one senior you would be okay with me dating.”
“Okay, why don’t we all just take a breath,” Mom said, holding up her hands. “We trust you, Lily, but we also worry. After everything, it’s hard to let go.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
The atmosphere turned thick around us. It had been a while since my parents had staged one of their interventions, but it was a stark reminder of how much it sucked.
“You have nothing to worry about,” I said, shaking off my melancholy. “It was just a silly dare. Kaiden isn’t interested in me, and I’m not exactly the kind of girl guys line up to date.” I plopped off the stool and started backing out of the kitchen.
“Lily, that isn’t what we meant.” Mom’s expression fell. “Tell her, Jason.” She nudged Dad’s arm, and he spluttered.
“Of course, it isn’t what we meant. Any guy would be lucky to date you, Lily.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “It’s all good, Dad. It’s fine.”
Fine.
There was that word again.
“Lily—”
&nb
sp; “I need to go and finish this homework. But I’ll be down for dinner.” I didn’t give them a chance to say anything else, hurrying from the kitchen and back up to my room.
The second I slipped inside, I inhaled a ragged breath. My skin was tight and itchy, a low tingle building inside me. I grabbed a stress ball off my desk and flopped on my bed, kneading and squelching it between my fingers. Eyes closed, I focused on my breathing, inhaling deeply and releasing slowly. Over and over, I forced myself to fight the urge to shove my fingers in my hair and pull. When the stress ball became redundant, I practiced my stretching exercises. Making a tight fist and then uncurling my fingers like the petals of a flower blooming, reaching for the sun. Open and closed. Open and closed. The rhythmic pulse of tension in my muscles went some way to tamp down the growing urge, but it wasn’t enough. If I could just touch my hair, for a second. Give it a sharp tug. The relief would be instant.
But the shame and guilt would be unbearable.
If Peyton and Poppy were home, I could make them distract me. But Poppy had gymnastics practice, and Peyton was working a shift at Cindy’s Grill. Since my mom and dad had taken her in at the beginning of summer, she’d been working at the popular diner downtown. To someone like Peyton, it was important to her to pay her own way. Dad had tried to argue with her, but he respected her decision to contribute.
I lost track of time as I lay there. But slowly, the tension ebbed away until I was in control again. Three years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to resist. I would’ve slid my fingers into my hair and pulled and pulled until I had clumps of hair tangled in my fingers and bald patches covering my scalp. It was a scary time—to pull your hair and pull and pull—but I’d worked hard with a therapist to get my trich under control.
Trichotillomania.
Better known as hair-pulling disorder.
I’d been diagnosed with trich and anxiety disorder when I was in eighth grade. It wasn’t something that ever went away, but it didn’t control me now like it did back then.
It still created a wall between me and who I wanted to be though.
I didn’t want to be the shy, quiet girl afraid of her own shadow. More than anything, I wanted to step into the light and shine. But my mind was my own worst enemy, whispering things. Reminding me that I wasn’t like most teenagers.
That’s why being in that boat shed with Kaiden, experiencing him looking at me, really looking at me, had shifted something inside me. For the first time in forever, I felt normal. I felt what every other girl felt when they had the attention of a cute guy.
And now it was gone.
It was probably better this way though. A guy like Kaiden would be used to girls with experience, girls who knew how to use their bodies to make guys feel good.
I wasn’t that girl.
Maybe I never would be.
The next morning at school, I sensed it was going to be a bad day when Lindsey and her friends made a point of snickering at me as I walked past them.
“I heard she tried to kiss him then freaked out and cried. So pathetic.”
My spine stiffened.
Had he told them?
“Lil?” Peyton called over her shoulder. I was dawdling and she and Ashleigh were up ahead, but I was still a little restless after yesterday.
“Problem, freak?” Lindsey glared after me.
“Lily?” Ashleigh appeared beside me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I brushed her off. “Come on, let’s go.”
Lindsey and her friends burst out with laughter, their cackles following me into school.
“You know, if she’s causing problems again—”
“It’s fine,” I said, hitching my bag up my shoulder.
“Lily,” Mrs. Bennet peeked out of her office down the hall, “a word.”
“Ugh,” I grumbled. “I guess my dad sold me out.”
“He’s just worried.”
“Yeah,” I slammed my locker a little too forcefully. “Well, I just wish he’d stop. Nothing even happened.”
“Really?” Ashleigh gave me a pointed look. Peyton was across the hall, being pressed up against the locker by Sean.
“Does she even like him?” I mused.
“Does she ever?” Ashleigh shrugged. “You know you can tell me anything, right? Judgment free zone.”
“I know.” I nodded. “I’d better go before she makes a scene.” I took off down the hall and knocked on the guidance counsellor’s door.
“Come in,” she said, beckoning me inside.
“Hey, Mrs. B.”
“Take a seat, Lily.”
“I know my dad probably asked you to check in on me, but it isn’t necessary—”
“Sit,” she said, steepling her fingers.
Reluctantly, I sat down.
“How are things?”
“Fine.”
“Fine?” Her brow rose. “You know fine is often code for not fine.”
“Well, I hate to disappoint, but everything is fine.”
“Lily, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I said, feeling my throat go dry.
“Did you narrow down a list of colleges yet? When we spoke over the summer you still hadn’t decided.”
That was the downside of your dad working at the high school and being friends with the guidance counsellor. There was no escaping her need to impart guidance. Mrs. Bennet and her husband, Asher—my dad’s best friend—had been over at our house the other week, and she and Mom had been quizzing me and Peyton about college.
“No, but I’m working on it.” The lie rolled off my tongue. I hadn’t even looked at the list Mom and Dad had insisted I make at the beginning of summer break.
How could I possibly think about college when sometimes just getting through a day at high school seemed like an impossible feat?
“Good. I want to see your top three schools by the end of the month. You need to get a start on those applications sooner rather than later.”
The walls began to close in around me. I needed to get out of here. I needed some fresh air.
“Lily?” Mrs. Bennet frowned. “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine. Can I go now?” I stood.
“Of course. I’ll check in again soon.”
“Okay, thanks.” Hurrying from her office, I took off down the hall toward the girl’s bathroom.
It was empty, thank God. I ran the faucet and splashed some water on my face, focusing on my breathing. My heart was racing in my chest like a runaway train.
Gripping the edge of the counter, I sucked in a big greedy breath. “You’re in control,” I whispered. “You’ve got this.”
But I felt like I was unravelling. It was silly, but logic didn’t factor into an anxiety attack.
It was a silent enemy, sneaking up on you when you least expected it. Except, its treacherous fingers had been reaching for me over the last few weeks. The pressure of senior year, college… the future, it was proving to be too much, and I felt completely overwhelmed.
Emotion rose inside me like a tidal wave, battering my insides.
The door swung open and sickly-sweet laughter filtered into the room.
“Lily?” Lindsey gawked at me. “What the hell are you doing?”
“N-nothing.” I grabbed my bag and shoved past them, hurrying from the bathroom, their snickers and taunts following me.
“She is such a freak,” was the last thing I heard as I stumbled out of the door.
Tears of frustration pricked the corners of my eyes, but I swallowed them down. Slowing my pace, I made my way to AP English. The last thing I wanted to do was sit in class and pretend everything was okay, but the alternative—go back to Mrs. Bennet’s office or the school nurse—was not an option. I slipped into class and found my seat.
“There have been some last-minute schedule adjustments,” the teacher announced, “so we have a couple of students joining us late.” He glanced at the door just as Kai
den and one of his friends entered the room.
“Ah, gentlemen. Nice of you to join us.”
My heart sank. This was the worst thing that could have happened. It was bad enough seeing Kaiden around school. But now I would have to see him every day.
They moved right past me as he and his friend took their seats in the row behind me. My heart slammed against my chest, blood pounding in my ears. This was a disaster.
“Miss Ford?” Mr. Jenkins said. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” my voice cracked as I silently prayed he would swiftly move on. It had been months since I had a panic attack in class.
“Maybe a trip to the school nurse?” he suggested, giving me that sympathetic pity stare I hated so much.
“I’m fine,” I rushed out, sweat beading along my spine and breasts. It felt like everyone was watching me, judging me, wondering why I was such a freak. Could they see my fingers pulling frantically at the zipper on my hoodie? Could they tell my stomach was churning so badly I felt nauseous? Could they see the tears collecting in the corners of my eyes?
Eventually, Mr. Jenkins introduced the work for the next hour and I could finally breathe without feeling like the entire class was watching me.
“Lucky escape,” I heard Kaiden’s friend say, and I went rigid, listening to their conversation.
Of course, I knew better. I’d grown up realizing it was better not to pry because nine times out of ten, you wouldn’t like what you found. But they were sitting right behind me. It wasn’t like I could just unhear them.
“There’s obviously something wrong with her,” he added.
“Shut the fuck up, Bryan.”
Bryan. That was his name.
“I’m just saying, man. You escaped the school freak.”
“Dude, I said shut the fuck up.”
“Jeez, I’m only—” He grunted, cussing quietly under his breath, and I figured Kaiden had hit him or stamped on his foot. Either way, it shut him up.
Without thinking, I glanced over my shoulder, my eyes colliding with Kaiden’s. But he didn’t acknowledge me. Just stared right through me. As if I was no one.
Nothing.
And I didn’t know what hurt more. That Kaiden hadn’t stood up for me when his friend had been saying all those things or that he was acting so cold now he knew the truth about who I was.
