by Emma Vikes
Logan
The rain poured outside and I could see it through the glass window in the living room. I set the pencil on the sketchpad and leaned back against my couch, glancing at the clock. It was probably the hundredth time since I came home that I checked the time. I’d been waiting for the right time to head out and drive to Olivia’s house.
To kill time, I immersed myself in drawing. I stared at the half-done drawing of Amy. Since I found out the truth last Saturday, I found myself drawing my daughter. It gave me a sense of peace during this crazy situation and gave me time to evaluate everything with a clearer perspective. It was why I found the courage to tell Olivia that I wanted to talk about it.
But I felt like whatever burst of courage I had at that time was merely during that time alone. Right now, I felt horribly anxious about the whole thing. If I didn’t pick up the sketchpad and start working on Amy’s drawing again, I wasn’t sure if I could contain myself. I could’ve already gone out and drove to Olivia’s and then it would mess things up again.
She had made it clear that she wanted us to talk when Amy was already asleep. I understood that part. If I came at my convenience, then Amy would’ve wanted to hang out with me. With my emotions on high and all over the place, I might end up blurting the truth to her. As much as I wanted her to know, telling her like that wouldn’t be good for any of us.
It had been a relief that Olivia had agreed to talk. But then again, just like me, she was at fault too. She was the one who hid the truth from me and Amy for ten years. She deliberately kept us apart because of her own personal fears. I had every right to be angry at her because she had kept me from a truth I deserved to know.
But I also understood why.
I sighed and leaned further on the couch and stared at everything I had right now. I’d sacrificed so much to reach where I was now. Despite the fact that I was born into a rich family and I could’ve had all of this without putting in much effort, I still did it. I wanted to build my own empire out of my own sweat, blood, and tears.
And I chose to let go of the person I thought would stop me from achieving all of this.
I understood Olivia’s answer to why. No matter how much it stung and no matter how much I wished she was wrong about it. I understood. I left her so easily that she must’ve feared that had she told me about Amy, I would’ve done the same thing to them one day. Olivia was one of the people who knew how caught up I was to reaching the success I wanted.
She knew I would’ve done anything ‒and let go of anyone ‒to reach my dreams. It was all I could ever talk about. Now, I had everything I wanted… only now that I had it all I realized it didn’t give me the happiness I thought it would. Money could only give you so much. At the end of the day, I came home to an empty house.
I would give up everything I had right now if it meant having them in my life.
At around 8:30, I ran out of my house and let the cold rain drench me as I climbed into my car. My heart was pounding as I drove to Olivia’s house. I gripped the steering wheel a little too tightly as my mind went through all the things I could possibly say to Olivia.
I wanted to demand to have a say in Amy’s life, so I could be a part of it in a way that I never could when I didn’t know. I wanted to be present in all the milestones that she was still yet to achieve because I wasn’t there for the first ones. I wanted to hear Amy call me Dad and coach her soccer team when she needed me to.
But I didn’t just want to be in Amy’s life. I wanted to be a part of Olivia’s again too.
Ten years ago, I broke Olivia’s heart because I was a coward. I wasn’t brave enough to reach for my dreams while I had her by my side. I thought she would stop me at some point or that I would be too consumed with what I felt for her that I would stop myself.
Love wasn’t like that. Love was never selfish. Love was supportive, patient and understanding. Love was about compromise. I was too young to realize all that. Too stupid and too self-absorbed to meet her halfway with the love that she gave me. In the end, I broke her heart and in the end, Olivia feared that I may break our daughter’s too.
Throughout the weekend, when I was still trying to understand the reason why Olivia did what she did, I was upset with her. Mad at her. Angry with her. Slowly, though, I’d come to terms with why she had to do it. Still, a part of me was upset with what she had done.
It all disappeared when I saw her get out of her car earlier, when I’d been waiting for her in her office. All the remaining anger I’d felt dissipated and I was left in the same state of awe I always was whenever I saw her. Olivia still had the same effect on me. She still had the uncanny ability to render me speechless and leave me mesmerized.
Ten years wasn’t long enough for my feelings for her to disappear. I was still in love with her.
I finally reached Olivia’s house. I saw no light upstairs which meant Amy was probably already asleep. A light shone from their living room though, and my heart skipped a beat at the thought of Olivia waiting for me. But I lingered in my car for a moment, anxious at how the conversation would unfold.
Then I caught sight of the front door opening and Olivia emerging. She stood at the front of her house, an unopened umbrella by her side, her gaze fixed on my car. Despite the harsh torrent of rain, Olivia remained captivating. My heart ached at the fact that I chose to let her go ten years ago. I didn’t want to but I ultimately decided to.
Without bothering to look for an umbrella stashed in my car, I opened the door and slowly walked to the front steps of her house, immediately drenched by the rain. I watched as Olivia’s eyes widened and she rushed to meet me with her umbrella. We met halfway and stood there for a moment, staring at each other.
“Liv.”
Something flickered in her eyes when I said her name. She swallowed and tears were brimming in her eyes that she refused to shed. “Logan, I’m sorry.”
So much guilt rang in her voice when the two words left her mouth that it tugged at my heartstrings. I reached out to touch her with wet hands, moving her hair to the side as I shook my head. “No. You…you did what you did because you wanted to protect her.”
Olivia sniffed. “But you deserved to know the truth, Logan, and I took that from you. I took ten years of our daughter’s life from you because I was selfish.”
“You were being a mother,” I said although there was a lump in my throat when I spoke the words. My heart ached. “If only I was man enough. I wouldn’t have broken your heart and prompted you to keep Amy from me. You did what you did because your heart was broken.”
She stared at me, her eyes searching mine.
The rain continued to pour and despite the umbrella meant to protect us, we were still drenched from the downpour.
Olivia reached out to wrap her hands around my wrist and pulled me to the front door. “Let’s talk inside, Logan. We’re already wet from the rain.”
But I didn’t budge. “I understand why you did it, Liv.” The words just desperately wanted to leave my mouth. I’d been thinking about what to say all day, so now when I was finally in the position to speak, I couldn’t stop myself. I needed to tell her everything that I felt right now. I needed her to know about my take on the situation with Amy.
I also needed her to know what I felt for her.
“I understand that when I broke your heart, it ultimately made you think that I could do the same thing to Amy had you begged me to stay because of her.” My voice was shaking as I spoke and I had to take a deep breath to calm myself.
The rain continued to pour and Olivia had to move closer in vain to shield herself from the rain.
My heart felt like it was about to burst. The next words that would come out of my mouth would be a question that I’d been thinking about throughout the weekend. It was a question that haunted me. “If I didn’t break your heart, would we have been a family?”
Olivia opened her mouth to speak but shut it up immediately. She didn’t seem to know how to answer the question. “Logan, I think…I thin
k we should talk inside, please. It’s pouring out here."
I wanted to stay and talk about it right where we were but there was pleading in Olivia’s tone and I had no choice but to follow her in the house. We were dripping wet when we came in and she rushed to the linen closet to get us fresh towels. She tossed me one and I caught it easily.
“Liv,” I called her name to get her attention.
She was busying herself with something and she stopped and turned to face me. Her hair almost looked black because of how wet it was and it made a stark contrast against her hazel eyes.
“You didn’t answer my question.”
She inhaled deeply and let it out in a slow breath. “I don’t know the answer to your question, Logan. Yes? Maybe? Probably? Neither of us will ever know how everything would have unfolded and that’s the thing, Logan. We were always certain of the future we wanted but not with what we had. Well…I thought we were until…”
“Until I wasn’t,” I whispered and then took a step closer to her. I reached to touch her face again, cupping her cheek with my palm. “But I’m here right now, Olivia, and I can say with absolute certainty that I want to be a part of Amy’s life. I want to watch her play soccer or star in a play or when she has her first art exhibit.” My voice cracked at the last bit and I could feel my eyes heating up with unshed tears. I inhaled sharply and looked down on my wet shoes. My hair still dripped with rainwater. “I want to be a dad to her, Liv, but that can only happen if you’ll let me.” I looked up at her.
Tears were streaming down her face and she hastily wiped them away. She tried to compose herself. “You have every right to be, Logan. I’m sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry for taking that chance from—”
“I want to be in your life too, Olivia,” the words flew out of my mouth, cutting her off.
Olivia stopped and stared at me, blinking rapidly. Her forehead creased with confusion. “What did you just say?”
I should’ve eased the conversation in that direction but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to put everything out in the open and hear her response. “I want to be in your life again, Liv, the way I once was. I want you back.”
Olivia stared at me, stunned. It took her a few more minutes to process everything I said and she opened her mouth to speak but it seemed like I’d left her at a loss.
I took a step closer.
She stayed where she was. Her hazel eyes flickered to mine, the confusion clear in them but if I looked closely, I could see her own desire.
“Why?” she managed to croak that one word.
“Because I love you,” I said it in a whisper and with the rumble of thunder behind me and the harsh rain, I thought she didn’t hear me.
Olivia blinked and looked even more stunned, and then she took a step back. She licked her lips and bit into them gently.
I had to fight the urge to crush my lips against hers, to run my tongue over her plump lips, to sink my teeth into them gently. I wanted to hear her moan beneath me, to repeatedly say my name, for her hands to be all over me. I wanted to be a tangled mess with her body beneath the covers and make love to her.
But most of all, I wanted to love her for the rest of my life. She was the only woman in my life that I wanted to love.
She took a sharp inhale and then let it out in a slow even breath. “How sure can I be that you mean that, Logan? You told me you loved me a thousand times and in one instant, you took it back without hesitation.”
I could see the hurt in her eyes and it broke my heart to see her still broken over what I had done. I hated myself for being a coward at that time, for not mustering the courage I needed to love her the way she deserved to be loved. I took another step toward her. Placing a hand on her cheek, I rubbed my thumb gently against her face. “I love you, Olivia. Ten years wasn’t long enough to change what I feel about you.”
Olivia stared at me for so long and didn’t even flinch when I took another step closer. I touched her face again, gently, my thumb caressing her cheek.
Then her eyes met mine and she pushed my hand off of her. “Do you think that’s just it, Logan? Do you think you can just tell me that you want me back and that you love me and I’ll crumble just like that?”
Her rejection took me by surprise even when I tried to prepare myself for its possibility. “Liv, it’s not gonna be like it was before.”
“You can’t make promises you can’t keep, Logan.”
I reached out to touch her again, gingerly putting my hand on her shoulder. She didn’t shrug it off. I could see the pain in her eyes but looking closer, I could see the longing too. I took a step closer to her, sliding my hand from her shoulder to her cheek. “Tell me you don’t want me and I’ll leave, Olivia.”
But Olivia could only stare at me and when I leaned closer, she sucked a breath. “Tell me to leave. Push me away. Tell me to get lost and I will. All you have to do is tell me, Liv.”
She made no move to push me away.
I leaned my head closer to hers, our lips brushing when I spoke, “Tell me to stop and I’ll stop, Liv.”
As our lips touched, I felt a chill run down my spine. My muscles tensed with desire and I couldn’t restrain myself anymore. I crashed my lips against hers and she gasped when my teeth grazed her bottom lip; my tongue diving in. I could taste the sweet wine she must’ve drank while she waited for me. I had to push her against the wall and press my palms against it for support.
Olivia was rendering me weak.
“Logan,” she whispered my name and I tensed. I was in the process of kissing her jaw. I had to force myself to pull away from her. I waited for her to say that one word that would stop all of this.
Instead, Olivia said, “fuck me.”
The two words stunned me for a moment.
Olivia looked at me, the impatience clear in her hazel eyes. “I said fuck me, Logan.”
She didn’t need to say it again. The animal in me roared and I almost ripped off the wet clothes on her. Olivia gasped, one hand gripping my hair, the other sinking her nails on my shoulder as my lips attacked her neck and then her breasts. I licked her nipples and then nibbled gently on the sensitive bud. She arched her back, shoving her breasts even more to my face.
“Shit,” I muttered as my hand squeezed her other breast, giving it attention too. I moved us to the couch and we went down. Olivia was writhing beneath me when my free hand moved to her core. I hadn’t removed her panties yet and my index finger was drawing circles on her sensitive flesh.
“Logan,” she hissed my name, “Stop teasing me.”
I flashed her a wolfish grin and was met by her glare. I understood her desire for pleasure. My dick was throbbing under my boxers and I finally removed the last piece of clothing off of me and her. I pushed two fingers inside her core and moaned at the heat. Olivia was biting on her bottom lip hard and it took me a moment to register that we needed to stay quiet.
The idea made it even more fun. I moved us just as far as her my room, locking the door, I moved her to the bed. Then I moved to her core. My fingers continued to work on her and then I licked her folds, my tongue flicking her clit.
“Shit, shit, shit.” Olivia grabbed a throw pillow and covered her face.
I could feel her pulsating, so near her climax. I couldn’t take it anymore, I pulled out my hand from her core and then slammed my cock inside of her.
“Ohhh!” Came her muffled scream, her body arching as I was on top of her. I removed the pillow from her face and replaced it with my mouth to muffle her moans.
I pulled away from her lips for a moment, my head resting on the crook of her shoulders. “I’m not sheathed.” But I couldn’t stop myself from moving. I thrust in and out of her, each one was more powerful than the other.
“I don’t care. I’m on the pill.” An intensity glimmered in her eyes as she stared at me that told me she didn’t care whether she was on the pill or not or whether I wore protection or not. All I could see in her hazel eyes was how much she wanted me and I
felt like my heart might burst. I kissed her on the lips, biting down on her bottom lip and gently pulling it down.
I moved my mouth over her neck as I continued to slam myself against her, my balls slapping against her ass. Olivia’s moans increased, her breathing hardened, her nails dug deeper on my skin. I pressed my lips against hers again, knowing that she was on the verge of climax.
My mouth muffled her screams as I felt her convulse beneath me. I could feel my own too, the overwhelming pleasure building up. The intensity of it was blinding as I hastened my pace, slamming harder and harder against her until I came.
When I was spent, I rolled out of her, panting right next to her. Olivia turned to me, breathing hard, body sweaty, and then closed her eyes, snuggling close. My heart soared as I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her as close as possible.
We were a tangled mess of sweaty bodies, both breathing hard, both spent, but we were finally back in each other’s arms.
21
Olivia
I watched as the red wine splashed against the glass when I swirled it. The air was cool as it kissed my skin and the rain left an earthy scent that always had a calming effect on me. But right now it wasn’t working. Petrichor wasn’t calming me nor the damp coolness in the air. Even the red wine I’d been nursing didn’t do anything to help.
It was only four in the morning and the sun hadn’t even come up yet. Inside, Amy was still fast asleep and so was Logan in the guest room. I had crawled out of the room, untangling myself from around him. The reality of the situation hit me as soon as I stood up and it nearly left me nauseous. I had rushed outside and gulped in fresh air, in a desperate attempt to clear my mind.
But the fresh air did nothing so I went back inside and poured myself a glass of wine. It was only when I brought the wine out and brought it to my lips that I remembered I’d had two glasses last night. A part of me wanted to blame it on the alcohol I had consumed but I knew it didn’t matter. I was sober when Logan kissed me last night.
