‘My mother used to tell me gossips had ears everywhere,’ Cecilia said, smiling at the memory. ‘When I was young I thought they actually had ears dotted around the place, like extra body parts that didn’t need to be attached.’
‘I don’t think even the gossips’ ears can reach us out here.’
‘Even so, we shouldn’t talk about it.’
‘About...?’ Joe asked and she could tell he was enjoying himself immensely.
‘About the kiss,’ she ground out, unable to stop herself from looking around again.
‘Still no disembodied ears, Cecilia,’ he reassured her. ‘If I can’t talk about it, can I imagine it?’ he asked and as his eyes came up to meet hers she saw the heat mixed with the humour.
‘No.’
‘Too late.’
Cecilia was remembering it, too, the fire she’d felt when their lips had met reigniting itself deep in her belly. If they’d been side by side she wouldn’t have been able to resist leaning over and closing her eyes, inviting him to sweep her away again with the soft brush of his lips against hers. As it was she had to console herself with the memory.
‘Now that warms a man up,’ Joe murmured.
For a moment Cecilia found herself wishing again that things could be different, that the kiss they’d shared could be the beginning of something rather than a single interlude in her difficult life. She wanted Joe to sweep her away, to declare his undying love for her and tell her that although she was set on becoming a spinster he just wouldn’t allow it, he loved her too much.
Quietly Cecilia snorted. That wasn’t how the real world worked, no matter how much she might want it. The real world was fortune hunters and guardians who took too many liberties and losing your parents at the tender age of fifteen.
‘Something on your mind?’
‘I was just thinking how life isn’t how it is in books.’
He was silent for a long moment, the only sound the crunching of his boots in the fresh snow, and Cecilia could see the emotions flitting over his face. After nearly a minute he stopped, catching her horse by the bridle and waiting for her to meet his eye.
‘You’re better off without me,’ he said quietly.
Cecilia felt her heart squeeze inside her chest at his words. She hadn’t realised until that moment how much she’d been hoping he might declare his feeling for her, that something might build from their fledgling emotional connection. In addition to her own hurt and disappointment it pained her to see that he actually meant the words, he actually thought she would be better off without him.
It hurt, this rejection, even though he was doing it in that kind way of his. He still was telling her they couldn’t be together. That he wouldn’t fight past his demons to be with her.
‘That’s not true,’ she said, not wanting to sound desperate or to force his hand, but needing him to see his own worth. ‘Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.’
A shadow flickered across his face and she knew he was thinking about Miss Rebecca Farnham, the woman who’d categorically rejected him from her life. Cecilia didn’t know the reason why, but she suspected it had something to do with his injury, some misplaced notion that Joe was less of a man now he walked with a limp and had a leg covered in scars.
He shook his head, reaching up to take her hand in his. ‘You don’t need an invalid to hold you back,’ he said softly. ‘You need a man to keep up with you, to whirl you around ballrooms and socialise with a smile.’
‘No,’ she said quietly, but could see that he wouldn’t listen to reason. Until he’d kissed her the day before, she had been set on becoming a spinster. On renouncing men for the rest of her life. It probably had been a rash decision, but Cecilia knew it was one she’d made to protect herself after nearly falling for the lies of Lord Melbry. Perhaps he was right, she was young and could easily change her mind in a year or two, find some nice man to settle down with, but she had been resigned to leading a life alone.
Then he’d kissed her and with that one kiss awoken her to what life could be about.
And now he was snatching it away again.
‘Find yourself a nice man,’ he said. ‘Someone good. Someone whole.’
Cecilia had to turn away so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. No amount of protest on her part would make Joe see himself as good enough. Even if he was exactly the man she wanted.
Chapter Eight
‘Cee-cee,’ Elizabeth shouted as she hurtled down the stairs and flung herself at Cecilia.
The two women embraced as if they’d been separated for a hundred years, pressing their cheeks together and clasping hands at the same time.
‘My welcome is never that effusive,’ Joe murmured, grinning at his sister as she rolled her eyes at him.
‘I saw you three days ago,’ Elizabeth said. ‘I haven’t seen Cecilia for years.’
‘A slight exaggeration, little Sister,’ Joe said.
‘Well, it feels like years. Come in, take off your coat and warm yourself up.’ Elizabeth busied herself helping Cecilia out of her coat and handing them to a waiting footman. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked over her shoulder as the two women moved towards the warmth of the drawing room.
‘Escorting Lady Cecilia,’ he said stiffly. It wasn’t the first time he’d lied to his sister. When they were growing up, despite the age gap between them, he’d tormented her tirelessly as all good brothers should torment their sisters, but he didn’t often have cause to lie about anything that mattered.
‘Your brother was very kind,’ he heard Cecilia murmur.
‘Joe?’ Elizabeth laughed. ‘Well, I suppose he’s not the worst man in the world. But did you come on your own? What about Mr Turner or...’ Elizabeth lowered her voice to a theatrical whisper ‘...The Wet Rag?’
‘I did ask permission,’ Cecilia said, ‘but Mr Turner wasn’t keen on me venturing out, so I decided to take the decision out of his hands and come anyway.’
‘Cecilia Bronwen, I’m scandalised. And impressed.’
‘It’s only two days until my birthday,’ Cecilia said with a happy sigh. ‘And then I’ll be free for ever.’
It was strange to see the woman he’d grown close to over the past couple of days with his sister. They were so comfortable together, so relaxed in each other’s company. Joe found he was following them into the drawing room just to listen to their conversation, to hear what Cecilia might say about him.
With a shake of his head he stopped. This way danger lay. He’d escorted Cecilia back, that should be enough, now he needed to leave, to get back to his normal life.
‘Joseph.’ His mother sounded both concerned and delighted to see him. ‘Have you changed your mind about the ball?’
‘No, Mother,’ he said, taking the petite woman in his arms and kissing her on the cheek, watching how she flushed with pleasure at having him home again. ‘I saw Lady Cecilia struggling past Rose Cottage and came to escort her safely here.’
‘Surely you won’t leave straight away,’ his mother said, taking him by the arm and leading him further towards the drawing room. ‘It’s another five miles back to the cottage in the snow.’ She shook her head. ‘Stay the night at least. Most of the guests will arrive tomorrow after midday, you could be gone by then if you wanted to avoid everyone.’
He looked at her hopeful face and nodded, realising how patient and understanding his family had been these past few months and wanting to do something to make his mother happy. One night at home, spending the time with his family and Cecilia, that wasn’t much of a hardship.
‘Wonderful, I’ll tell the maids to make up your bedroom. I’m so glad you’re here, Joseph.’
As he entered the drawing room he was struck by the transformation it had undergone in the past few days since he’d left for Rose Cottage. His mother and sister had been hard at work, transforming the
room into a festive paradise with sprigs of holly. Mistletoe hung above the fireplace and there was a tantalising scent of oranges and spices, a smell he recalled from the Christmases of his youth.
‘Where are you going to go?’ Elizabeth was asking Cecilia, her eyes wide with interest.
Cecilia shrugged, trying to look nonchalant, but Joe knew she would have everything planned out, every last journey, every last eventuality. This was her big escape, the occasion she’d been waiting for the past six years.
‘My solicitor, Mr Jarvis, tells me there may be a delay in obtaining sufficient funds to set myself up with a house and everything I will need, but I will be able to draw a small advance, enough to tide me over while the paperwork is being sorted.’
‘So you’ll leave Mr Turner’s house straight away?’
‘I hope only to return to pick up my belongings,’ Cecilia said. Joe saw the wariness in her eyes and knew that despite the excitement she felt at the idea of finally being free she would be nervous as well. It was her first foray out into the world alone.
‘Joseph, might I have a word?’ his mother said, following him into the room with a concerned expression on her face. He wondered at first if there was some problem with the sleeping arrangements, but then dismissed the idea. His mother never allowed his room to be used as a guest bedroom, keeping it for her son just in case. She looked worried, all traces of the earlier pleasure at seeing him again gone, and was uncharacteristically wringing her hands as she approached him.
‘I invited Mr and Mrs Farnham to the Christmas Eve Ball,’ she said, her voice quiet as if she didn’t want anyone else to overhear.
Joe nodded reasonably. The Farnhams were neighbours, a pleasant couple the same age as his parents who had moved to the area a few years ago. That was how he’d met Rebecca, at one of these Christmas Eve celebrations three years ago when he’d been home on leave from the army.
‘I wasn’t expecting you to be here,’ his mother said. ‘I thought it wouldn’t do any harm—they are our neighbours after all, even after what she did.’
‘I don’t mind, Mother. I have nothing against the Farnhams.’ It was the truth. Mr and Mrs Farnham had seemed perfectly pleasant people the few times he’d met them. It wasn’t their fault their daughter had ripped his heart out and stamped on it, full of contempt for the man he was now.
‘They’re here,’ his mother said, her voice hushed.
‘Then I shall greet them as I would any of our neighbours. Do not worry so, Mother,’ he said, patting her on the arm reassuringly.
‘They’ve brought Rebecca.’ The words came out a little too loudly so everyone else in the room turned and stared at Joe and his mother. She clamped a hand over her mouth as if wishing to claw the information back inside, but the damage was already done. Everyone was watching him warily for a reaction.
Instinctively his eyes flitted across the room, seeking Cecilia out. She was watching him with the same wariness as everyone else, but as she saw him look at her she gave him a reassuring smile.
‘I didn’t invite her,’ his mother whispered. ‘But she’s recently widowed and I suppose she’s back home with her parents...’
‘I can’t say I have much desire to make small talk with her,’ Joe said softly. ‘But I can be polite, Mother, you raised me well enough to do that.’
He saw the relief in his mother’s eyes and leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek.
Everyone in the room was returning to their conversations, but Joe knew all eyes would be on him when Rebecca entered.
‘So I get to meet the evil ex-fiancée?’ Cecilia murmured as she slipped to his side.
Despite his trepidation about seeing Rebecca again, he found himself smiling.
‘If I didn’t know your every last move these past three days I might suspect you of engineering this just so you could meet her.’
‘Well, if you would have just answered my questions then I wouldn’t have been driven to such extremes,’ Cecilia teased him.
The door to the room opened and Mr and Mrs Farnham entered, followed closely by Rebecca, dressed in the customary black mourning clothes that showed her to be a recent widow.
He expected to feel something. Anger perhaps at the way she’d treated him, or a simmering resentment for how easily she’d broken his heart when he was at his lowest point physically and emotionally.
‘Nothing,’ he murmured to himself, earning a quizzical glance from Cecilia. He felt nothing. Not even a mild dislike. For the emotions he was expecting he had to care and it would appear he’d finally been able to cleanse himself of any residual feelings for his ex-fiancée. Time was a great healer. Time and distraction...
‘Major Crawley,’ Rebecca said, smiling tightly as she greeted him, her eyes raking over his body and pausing on the injured leg, despite there being no outward signs of his injury.
‘I trust you are well,’ he said blandly. ‘This is Lady Cecilia Bronwen, a close family friend.’ He wasn’t sure why he added the last part, but watched in satisfaction as Rebecca stiffened perceptibly and turned her attention to Cecilia.
‘I don’t think we’ve met, Lady Cecilia,’ Rebecca said, the smile on her face not quite meeting her eyes. ‘Although I’m sure we have friends in common.’
‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ Cecilia said. ‘It must be a difficult time for you.’
Joe knew almost nothing about Rebecca’s late husband. He hadn’t wanted to know how she’d moved on so quickly, but now his interest was piqued. It could only have been a short marriage.
‘So sad when you were only recently married,’ Cecilia continued, putting voice to Joe’s thoughts.
‘Quite,’ Rebecca said. ‘It was a shock to everyone when my husband passed away.’ She turned her attention back to Joe, a hint of regret in her eyes. ‘I was very sorry how we parted after our last meeting,’ she said, dropping her voice in an effort to exclude Cecilia.
‘Think nothing of it,’ Joe said magnanimously. ‘I don’t.’
‘Perhaps later we could...’ Rebecca started to say, but Joe had already caught Cecilia’s arm.
‘If you would excuse us,’ he said, noting Rebecca’s surprised expression. No doubt she had imagined him still in her thrall, eager for any scrap of affection she threw his way. Joe felt like shouting with joy. In truth he had thought he did still care a little for the woman who had rejected him so coldly nearly a year ago, but he didn’t even feel hatred, just a desire to not be in her company for any longer than was necessary.
‘Pretty,’ Cecilia murmured as they strolled to the other side of the room.
‘In a superficial way.’
‘She thought you were still going to be in love with her,’ Cecilia said in that frank way of hers. ‘You could see it on her face.’
‘Mmm...’
‘I thought you were still in love with her,’ Cecilia said.
Joe’s eyes shot up and met Cecilia’s and he saw the hint of confusion in their depths.
‘I’m not,’ he said, making sure his voice remained even.
‘No, I see that now.’ She was shaking her head as if she couldn’t quite believe something. ‘Would you excuse me?’
Cecilia left so abruptly he was left standing on his own in the corner of the room, staring after her. He shook his head, perplexed. There was no reason Cecilia should want him to still be in love with Rebecca and, after spending so much of the past few days together, he would have thought she would prefer it if he didn’t still harbour any feelings for his ex-fiancée.
‘What did you say to make Cecilia run off like that?’ his sister asked, her eyes shining with interest.
‘Nothing.’ He’d learned long ago that the fewer words said to his sister the better if you wanted to keep your secrets.
‘Did something happen between the two of you on your way here?’
‘No.’
He remembered the kiss, that wonderful moment of closeness as Cecilia had sat in his lap. In that moment he’d felt content, more content than he had been for years. Part of him wanted to grasp that feeling and recreate it over and over again. Part of him wanted to sweep her into his arms and tell her they should be together.
Glancing down, he looked at his leg, the injury that had changed everything for him. He might have worked and worked until he could walk again, to recover his physical abilities, but he’d lost something along with the chunks of muscle and ligaments. He’d lost his purpose, his self-belief. He couldn’t ask Cecilia to settle for a man who wasn’t whole, on the inside even more than the out.
‘You looked very close for two people who have only travelled somewhere together.’
‘Is that so?’ he said blandly, trying not to let his sister see the pain he was feeling inside.
Elizabeth glanced around the room, making sure no one was watching, then leaned in and shook her head.
‘Keep your secrets,’ she said ominously. ‘I’m sure Cecilia will be more than happy to confide in her dearest friend.’
Chapter Nine
Cecilia sat and watched the flames flicker in the fireplace, stretching out her feet towards the warmth and giving a contented little sigh. Despite all her reservations she was glad she’d pushed on and come to spend Christmas with the Crawleys. Their home was always welcoming and comfortable and she didn’t ever have to worry about anyone behaving inappropriately. Today was Christmas Eve and later that evening the rest of the guests would arrive for the annual Christmas Eve Ball. It would be an evening of merriment and laughter, and for her it would mark the start of so much more. Tomorrow, on Christmas Day, she turned twenty-one. In less than twenty-four hours she would be a free woman, in possession of her father’s fortune and no longer obliged to do anything her guardian instructed. It was the best Christmas present she could hope for.
‘Elizabeth said I would find you in here,’ Joe said as he entered the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. The Crawleys had about twenty guests staying in their home with the rest of the invited friends and neighbours coming just for the ball that evening. Cecilia had started the day in the drawing room, but the constant need to make small talk had exhausted her and Elizabeth had shown her to the small library, kept locked from the other guests so she might have a few moments of privacy.
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