Like the way I missed the smell of her freshly shampooed hair on my pillowcase or the way she’d clean my house, leaving a little white flower on the stove for me to see when I got home.
Or the lunches she packed for me for work with cute little notes inside telling me to have a good day.
Then there were the nights… they were even harder than the days.
I’d lay awake for hours wishing her soft body was there, pressing against mine. While I laid there missing her, I’d wonder what in God’s name I was doing.
A baby wasn’t a death sentence. It was a blessing.
Then I’d remember my son’s face as they closed the casket, and I’d remember why I couldn’t do it.
He’d been so small in that bed of white. His tiny face, sunken and sallow from the toxic chemicals they’d forced into his tiny body, had finally been at peace.
It was hard knowing he was in a better place—somewhere that wasn’t right there with me.
A father should be able to protect his son, and I hadn’t been able to do that.
What business did I have taking care of another child?
I was oh and one when it came to keeping children alive.
I didn’t deserve to have another one.
“Jesus Christ, Rome,” Tyler growled. “Swear to God, I didn’t call you to listen to you breathe. Are you even listening to me?”
I set my bag down by my bike and paused. “Yeah.”
“She went to the doctor today. Reagan went with her. Do you want to know about the scans they did?” he asked.
No, no I didn’t.
But I couldn’t make my mouth form the words.
“Baby is doing well. Reagan said that Izzy didn’t want to know what the gender was, even though that was possible. She said that she didn’t want to know until the baby was born, because you couldn’t know either. She asks about you all the time. Wants to know how you’re doing. You ask about her… why are you doing this?” Tyler said.
Something akin to euphoria flitted through me at hearing that the baby was doing well and that Izzy asked about me.
Why was I doing this?
Because you’re a scared little shit who refuses to see what’s right in front of his face.
“Thanks, Tyler,” I murmured.
Tyler heaved a long sigh. “Anything new on Rodrigo that I should know about?”
That I could actually talk about.
“Keeping an eye on him. He’s being careful. He stays close to his house these days, and I haven’t seen him around town in quite a while. Wade tells me they’re building a solid case against him. Although, the young girl that was living with him, one of the star witnesses, ran away. Therefore, they’re having to do double the work because she’s not there to testify against him,” I murmured quietly.
“Ran away?” he asked.
I grunted. “Yeah, ran away. She was living with him, but the mother moved out of Rodrigo’s house the same day that she found out what he was doing to her kid. They both have restraining orders against him.”
“Piece of shit,” Tyler murmured. “I hope they find her. Will they want Izzy to come back to testify?”
I hoped not.
I’d begged Wade not to bring her in unless it was absolutely necessary, which he promised to do.
“Maybe.” I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me. “I gotta go, Tyler. I have a game I’m about to go play.”
Tyler cursed. “Don’t get hurt, moron. I know that you’re not watching out for yourself. You’re just asking for it.”
I was.
Everything hurt after I got done playing, because over the last couple of weeks, I’d returned to the game I’d once loved. At least partially.
The coach liked me, and since I was still a really good player, he let me scrimmage with the practice squad as if I were still on the team.
But I wasn’t actually looking to go back to playing. I was looking to feel something other than an empty black hole.
“Whatever.”
Then I hung up.
***
I played.
I played hard, and after practice was over, Linc got in my face. “Listen, fucker. I know that you’re pissed. Hell, I’m pissed, too, but at you—not for you. You both played a part in this little predicament you’ve found yourselves in. It’s a goddamn miracle, not a prison sentence. Get your head on straight, go get some counseling if that’s what it takes, and then go to your woman.”
I scoffed and turned away. “I’m not going to counseling, and I’m not going to lose another kid. You can’t lose something you’ve never had.”
With that, I walked out off the field, grabbed my shit from the locker room, and headed right out of the stadium. Hell, I didn’t even stop to say goodbye to Joe Blow, who was schmoozing up his girl.
I headed straight to my bike, and then to the bar that I’d found myself frequenting since Izzy had left.
But even there I couldn’t get away.
Word had spread that I was there alone, but it didn’t stay that way for long.
My brothers all circled around me, and with each one who showed up, the more foul my already foul mood became until I tried to leave there, too.
But they refused to let me leave.
Just like they did the next night.
And the night after that.
And the night after that.
They never let me be alone, and I slowly came to realize that they didn’t plan to until Izzy came home.
Chapter 22
I have two moods lately: 1. Hi, how are you? 2. Talk to me and I’ll stab you.
-Text from Izzy to Reagan
Izzy
Three Months Later
I was working my ass off to get clients, and I was proud to say that I had one thing going for me.
When people had a pregnant woman practically begging them to clean their house, they usually gave in to her.
Which was why I was now cleaning six houses every week, and four more every other week.
I rubbed my bump and thought about where my life had taken me.
It definitely wasn’t where I expected it to go, but I wasn’t about to complain.
Not when my baby was safe and healthy, and I was making enough money to support myself and this new life whenever he or she decided to make their appearance—though, hopefully that wouldn’t be for another three and a half months.
I didn’t smile.
I didn’t hang out with people.
I kept to myself, and I continued to mourn the loss of my relationship with Rome, but now at least I was only crying when I saw something that reminded me of him. Which, unfortunately, was still pretty regularly.
My phone rang, and I glanced at the screen, surprised when I saw it was Wade.
I contemplated not answering, but I wouldn’t ignore it today. Something told me that I should answer.
I hadn’t answered any of the calls from any of Rome’s friends lately, either. Bayou, Wade, Linc, Joe Blow, and a few other of the MC members that had all called, I assumed, to check in on me.
I was assuming so that they could relay to Rome how I was doing and rub it in his face.
Whatever the reason, I stopped answering calls from all of them. I didn’t want them to hurt Rome in any way, including rubbing his face in the fact that I was doing just fine… especially because I really wasn’t.
Answering the call, I steeled myself for what I’d hear.
What I heard wasn’t at all what I expected.
“Hello?” I answered hesitantly.
“Izzy?” Wade’s deep voice drawled.
“Yeah,” I said softly. “It’s me.”
He breathed out, clearly relieved as if he hadn’t expected me to answer.
“Okay,” he said. “I have a lot to tell you.”
I waited, unsure if I wanted to hear whatever it was that he had to say, but unable to stop myself at this p
oint.
I was so hungry for any word on Rome that it was killing me slowly.
“Are Ruben and Diana all right?” he started.
I frowned.
“Ruben and Diana?” I asked softly. “How would I know?”
I kept expecting them to show, but they never did.
My hope was that they found some other alternative that meant that they wouldn’t have to run away.
Or maybe they did run away, just not to me.
There was a pregnant pause, and then Wade cursed. “They didn’t go with you?”
I cleared my throat. “I told them the address where I would be, and said if they happened to show up, I’d give them shelter, but I wouldn’t take them with me. I didn’t want to get them—or myself—in trouble.”
He growled. “I should’ve tried fucking harder to get a hold of you. Okay. Fuck. Do you have any idea where they’re at?”
I thought about it. “No, I swear to you. I honestly have no clue. Why?”
“That’s my reason for calling,” he muttered. “Rodrigo’s trial is next week. We need you to come back and testify about what you saw in those photos. I only have the original evidence, the photos that you sent to me, but they’ll be given more weight if you’re there to testify as to what you saw at Senator Antilles’s house.”
“So fast?” I asked. “Doesn’t a case like this normally take a long time to come to trial?”
Wade snorted. “Rodrigo killed a United States senator to hide that shit. The prosecution believes that they have enough evidence to indict him not only on the possession of child pornography and sexual assault of a minor charge but also the murder of Senator Antilles. Your testimony could be crucial in validating some of the evidence and convincing the jury. Which is why I’m calling—we were hoping that you could come back tomorrow or the next day.”
“How do you know I’m not halfway across the country and can’t make it?” I asked softly.
“Because I have friends in law enforcement all over the country, and Rome…” He quickly went quiet.
“Rome what?” I pushed.
“Rome followed you.”
I felt my heart start pounding.
“Rome knows? Rome followed me here?” I asked softly.
“Yeah,” Wade replied. “He knows where you’re at…I’m honestly surprised you haven’t seen him yet.”
I felt something inside of my chest take flight.
“Oh,” I murmured. “Okay.”
He chuckled softly. “Give him time, sweetheart. He’s gonna get there. How are you?”
I thought about that question for a long moment. “About as good as one can be when they’re pregnant, and the father of the baby wants nothing to do with them, I guess.”
Wade grunted. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”
I was.
Or at least, I had been before Wade had called.
Now, I wasn’t sure of a freakin’ thing.
“I can be there tomorrow,” I told him, not wanting to talk about anything related to the man that I loved any more. Doing so just made the hole in my heart bigger, and I couldn’t deal with that right now. I still had a lot of work to do.
“Can you get here on your own? Or do you need a ride?” he asked. “I have no problem coming down there to get you.”
I laughed. “If I can’t get my car to start, which I will, I’ll just ask Tyler to bring me.”
“Yeah,” Wade murmured, his voice warm. “Tyler. The man who’ll get his face pummeled if he shows it here. I’d suggest leaving him there for the time being.”
I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
But Wade didn’t feel like answering that since the next words out of his mouth were said with finality. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, girl.”
Then I only heard silence.
Pulling the phone away from my face, I saw that he’d hung up.
Little shit.
“What was that about?”
I looked up to find Telly standing there, looking at me curiously.
I’d completely forgotten about her.
“I need to go home.”
Telly smiled. “I bet you won’t be coming back.”
I laughed. “I’ll come back. Don’t worry.”
Because I honestly couldn’t see that there’d be anything—or anyone—to make me want to stay.
Chapter 23
Shit a moose! Shit a moose! Can we use Fandango!
-Apparently, not the words to Bohemian Rhapsody
Izzy
I was back home, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be.
But I had to help.
I had to do what I could to make sure Rodrigo never hurt another person.
Maybe if I’d said something about how I had been treated by Rodrigo, those girls wouldn’t have suffered at his hands.
I felt bad because had I pressed charges on the man, maybe he wouldn’t have been in the position of power that allowed him to abuse those girls or maybe people would’ve known that he was dangerous and stayed far away from him.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I was full of maybes.
I hadn’t even made it a half mile into the town when I saw the first Bear Bottom Guardians MC member.
Liner waved at me from where he sat leaning against his bike as he filled up his gas tank.
I waved back.
The next person I saw was Bayou, who was also leaning against his bike at the restaurant that had been my and Rome’s favorite.
He waved, and I waved back.
It happened like this with Linc as well, but he was in the grocery store’s parking lot.
Finally, when I saw Wade waiting for me at the police station, I realized that maybe I had no clue what in the hell was really happening here.
“What’s going on?” I asked curiously.
Wade grinned. “What makes you think that something’s going on?”
I rolled my eyes. “The welcome wagon.” I gestured behind me, encompassing the entire town with a sweep of my arm. “I saw, I think, five members of the Bear Bottom Guardians, Wade. What the hell? It was like they were just waiting for me.”
Wade grinned. “That’s because they were. They were watching out for trouble. Having you as the only witness in the same town as that piece of shit makes him nervous.”
“Him?”
I knew who he was talking about, but I didn’t want to say his name in case I was wrong.
“Rome,” Wade murmured quietly. “Rome didn’t want you left alone for a second, just in case anything happened to you. Plus, we were pretty sure you’d get pissed.”
I wouldn’t have gotten pissed.
I was actually kind of flattered that Rome had taken the time to make sure I was safe while I was here.
But that also meant that he knew that I was in town.
I swallowed. “Is he okay?”
Wade shrugged. “He’s getting there, honey.”
I had my doubts about that, but I wasn’t going to bring them up with Wade.
The sound of another bike pulling into the lot sent my heart into overdrive, but it settled back down when I saw who it was.
Bayou.
He grinned at me as he pulled to a stop behind my car, and put the kickstand down before getting off his bike.
I wasn’t surprised that he was here.
“Hello, Bayou,” I murmured when I looked up to see him standing almost directly in front of me.
“Hey, girl,” he rumbled. “Come here.”
I went there—straight into his open arms—and wrapped my own around his thick waist.
It was a surreal feeling, both having someone’s arms around me that weren’t Rome’s, and just having someone’s arms around me at all.
Even after all these months, I still craved his touch.
Bayou’s arms, although warm and welcoming, weren’t the ones that I truly wanted to be wrapp
ed around me.
But even despite how good it felt to have someone holding me, I didn’t stay in his arms very long.
I didn’t want to.
The only arms I wanted to be in were Rome’s—now and forever.
I’d barely turned around when I felt something poke me in the side.
I blinked in surprise and looked down.
“Here.” Wade fanned a thick stack of envelopes in front of me. “Read these.”
“What is it?” I asked worriedly.
He didn’t answer until I took them.
“My ex was over there cleaning his house after he had an accident with his tortoise tank. She found those, all addressed to you, but with no address on it…annnnd she stole them,” Wade murmured.
I didn’t know where to start.
“Is Blitz okay?” I whispered.
“Blitz?” Wade questioned, looking confused.
I nodded. “Blitz. The tortoise.”
He threw his head back in understanding. “Oh, yeah. He’s fine I believe. He was moving the tortoise over to another tank when the table holding the old tank collapsed. Glass went everywhere when it broke. I swear to God it’d been sitting there for a week with him just walking over it, so I sent my ex over there to help clean it up. That’s when she found those.”
I breathed out a shaky breath, surprised at how freakin’ scared I was for a few seconds there.
“Do I need to read these now?” I whispered.
I didn’t want to read them now. I wanted to read them in the comfort of my hotel room where I could cry all I wanted without fear that anybody would ask if I was okay.
I wasn’t okay.
I hadn’t been okay for a long time.
Wade shook his head. “Nope. You can read them whenever you want as long as you read them.”
“All right,” I murmured. “Let’s go get whatever it is I’m supposed to do over with.”
“About that…” Wade paused, looking bashful. “The prosecutor isn’t going to be here until tomorrow morning now. I found out about half an hour ago. His mother died.”
I deflated a little bit, but tomorrow wasn’t too much to ask. I was here, but I just wanted this whole trial to be over. Preferably, as painless as possible for me.
Mess Me Up Page 17
