Not Meant To Be Broken

by Cora Reilly

  Over the fighting, I’d briefly forgotten why everything had started. Of course, Brittany chose that moment to step out of Zach’s room, dressed in black skinny jeans and a leather jacket. She looked amazing. I averted my gaze, feeling empty and tired. She left without another word, for which I was grateful, but her mere presence had revved up the tension between Zach and Brian by several notches. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I tried to sound casual.

  “You promised not to bring any of your sluts here.”

  “Brian!” I hated that word. “This is Zach’s apartment as much as it is yours. He can bring whoever he wants. And only because a girl goes home with a guy doesn’t mean she’s a slut.”

  “The girls Zach usually chooses are.”

  “The girls aren’t any worse than Zach. You could just as well call him a slut.”

  “He is a male slut,” Brian said. “That’s why I wanted you to stay away from him.”

  Zach leaned against the wall, his jaw tight. “I’m here, you know? And I like sex, so sue me. What’s your problem anyway? Don’t tell me you visit Lauren several times a week because you like her jabbering. You go there for sex.”

  “My problem is that you’re messing with my sister. I don’t care if you screw around. I don’t care if you don’t realize how pathetic that is. But I care about Amber. So stop pretending that you give a shit about her, when clearly you don’t. I won’t let Amber be another notch on your belt.”

  I was done with this conversation. Without another word, I entered my room and closed the door, then leaned against it, eyes closed. I supposed it was good that I knew what I was at with Zach now before I got really emotionally invested. More emotionally invested? Who was I kidding; I was already helplessly in love with him.

  ***

  I was on my way out of the apartment for a Sunday morning walk to clear my head, when Zach jogged after me, dressed in sweatpants and a tight black t-shirt. He was barefoot. “Amber, please wait.” I’d avoided him since our awkward confrontation yesterday. But Brian had left the apartment late last night and hadn’t come back; he was probably with Lauren. “I really need to talk to you.”

  I hesitated. “Why? You don’t owe me an explanation.”

  “But I want to,” he said, his eyes pleading.

  “Okay, but I wanted to go on a walk.”

  “I’ll just put some shoes on. I’ll be back in a sec.”

  ***

  We sat down on a bench in the park beside the apartment building. Neither Zach nor I had said anything in the five minutes it had taken to get here. Maybe Zach hoped I’d start the conversation but I didn’t know what to say. I brought up my knees, pressing them against my chest. A chilly breeze picked up, ruffling my hair and sending a shiver down my back. My naked feet were cold in my Converse. Zach didn’t seem to mind the freezing temperatures. His hoodie was probably warmer than my thin jacket. “So,” I began, wanting to get past the awkward silence. I rested my chin on my knees and tilted my head to look at Zach. We sat on opposite ends of the bench, almost a foot between us. Part of me wanted to scoot over and snuggle up against Zach’s strong chest. Maybe it was for the best that I’d fallen for a guy I couldn’t have. That way, at least, I could experience a crush without actually having to risk a relationship.

  “I’m sorry for yesterday.”

  “Why?” I frowned. “It’s not like you aren’t allowed to bring your girlfriend to your own apartment.”

  “Britt isn’t my girlfriend.” He sighed. “Never mind. That’s not the point.”

  “Then what’s the point?”

  “I shouldn’t have brought Britt to the apartment. I shouldn’t have met her at all.”

  “Why?” I whispered, caught up in his intense gaze.

  He stared down at his lap, his brows drawn together. “Fuck,” he muttered, then grimaced. “I’m not good at this. I really like you Amber.”

  Hope flooded my body, but I couldn’t let it make me a big deal out of nothing. I gave a small shrug. “I like you too,” I said. “You’re my brother’s best friend.”

  His eyes flickered over my face. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t like you like a friend.”

  “You don’t?” I wanted to reach out and trail my fingertips over the dark stubble on his jaw. I wanted to lean close and draw in his scent – a mix of peppermint and something spicy.

  He angled his body so he was facing me. Now there were only a few inches between his knee and my foot. And still I wanted to scoot closer. I should have felt uncomfortable, maybe even scared. Zach was a formidable appearance with his tall frame and muscles, but when I was around him, the possibilities seemed endless, as if happiness was actually in my reach, as if I could grab onto it if I only stretched out my hand. Zach made me hope for something I’d thought out of my grasp, he made me long for something I’d dreaded for so long.

  “Amber, I’m attracted to you. I want to be with you.” My breath caught in my throat. He must have misunderstood my reaction for fear because he turned away, his shoulders sagging. “I know you probably don’t feel the same way, and maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

  I laughed, and Zach frowned at me. “You didn’t scare me. At least not in the way you probably think.”

  “I’m confused,” he said with an adorable expression. There was a dimple in his left cheek I wanted to kiss. In my head, I always wanted, wanted, wanted. I wished I could actually go through with it.

  “I’m not scared of you,” I said, and I realized it was true. Even though I knew Zach was much stronger than me and was physically capable of doing what those men had done, I knew he wouldn’t. “I’m scared of how you make me feel.”

  “Isn’t that the same thing?”

  “No. I’m scared because you make me hope for something I thought I wasn’t capable of. I’m scared of hope.”

  Zach looked lost. “I’m not good with subtlety. I know women always want men to figure out what they mean without spelling it out, but I really need you to spell it out for me. I don’t want to mess this up.”

  I smiled. “I don’t want to be just friends. I want more.”

  “More?”

  “I think I’m falling for you.” The moment the words left my mouth worry twisted my stomach. Why did I have to say I was falling in love for him? That was probably a huge red flag for most guys, but especially for Zach from what I knew of him. But I was done being cautious. The last three years caution and fear had been my prison. I wanted to break out of them. I needed to.

  Relief filled Zach’s face. “Good.”

  “Good?” I whispered.

  “Yeah, because I think I’m falling for you too.”

  My heart exploded with joy. I bit my lip, unsure of what to do now. Zach’s eyes flitted toward my lips, but he made no move to kiss me. I knelt on the bench and eased closer to Zach. He froze, his eyes never leaving my face. My knees bumped his thigh, his heat radiating through our clothes. I rested my hand on his shoulder, felt the muscles flex under my touch. Slowly I leaned closer and touched my lips to his in a feather-light kiss. Nerves fluttered in my stomach. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. I braced myself for an onslaught of bad memories, but none came. There was only the softness of Zach’s lips, his warmth, his scent. I pressed my other palm against his chest, feeling the steady beating of his heart. His hand, which had rested on the armrest, touched my waist very lightly. I jumped and Zach pulled back immediately. “Too much?”

  I snatched up his hand and put it back to the same spot on my waist. “No, it’s okay. I was only surprised.”

  I wasn’t sure anymore what was too much. Zach made me believe that maybe I could break down every single wall that I’d built around myself after the incident. Walls that had seemed impenetrable, walls that had dominated my life for years, that had isolated me to the point of utter loneliness and despair seemed suddenly conquerable.

  I didn’t try to deepen the kiss, neither did Zach, though
he probably wanted to. Eventually, I sat back on my haunches. “So,” he said, a smile slowly building on his face.

  “So.”

  “Does that mean we…” He trailed off.

  I thought of yesterday, of Brittany in only a towel, of what she and Zach must have been doing before she walked into the living room. “No.”

  His expression fell. “Because of yesterday.”

  “That too,” I admitted. “But this isn’t a definite no. I just think we need to discuss a few things before we take this any further.” Heat rushed into my cheeks. I couldn’t believe I’d managed to say the words. I felt in control of my fate for maybe the first time in three years.

  Zach nodded, relaxing under my touch, and I realized my hands were still on his chest and shoulder. I dropped them and folded them in my lap. “So you’re giving me a second chance?”

  “You never got a first chance to begin with,” I said teasingly. Was this how normal girls my age felt?

  He grinned, and warmth filled my stomach. I wanted to kiss him again, but that would contradict what I’d just suggested. “How about we go on a date?” he asked. “Tonight?”

  I nodded. I couldn’t believe that going on a date was actually part of my reality now.

  Zach

  “Tonight,” she agreed. There was a hint of uncertainty on her face. “But I still think we need to talk about things before we go out.”

  “Okay, let’s do it then.” Another gust of wind blasted over us and Amber shivered. Normally, I’d have wrapped my arms around her to keep her warm, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her. “Do you want to go inside?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “Brian might be home by now and he’ll complicate things.”

  I grimaced. I’d forgotten about Brian. He’d be royally pissed if he found out I was going on a date with Amber, and even more pissed when he found out I wanted to take things further with her. “He’ll try to stop us from going out.”

  Amber sighed. “I know. But this is my life. I can’t live in a cocoon forever.”

  “Brian won’t like it.”

  “Oh, he definitely won’t like it, but he’ll deal.” Amber gave a delicate shrug. “So let’s talk.”

  I felt oddly nervous. “Brian probably told you that I don’t have a great track record with relationships.”

  “He did. So what about Brittany? What’s going on between you two?”

  “Nothing.” Amber looked doubtful. “We’ve been seeing each other for about one year, but it’s been only physical. And it wasn’t exclusive, we both saw other people.”

  She stared down at her hands. “So it was about sex?”

  “Yeah.” I was actually embarrassed. When Amber said it like that, it made me sound like an asshole, which I probably was. “I never found someone I wanted to be serious about.”

  “You know I can’t give you what those women did. I want a relationship. I want something that’s meaningful.”

  “I want the same,” I said. Reagan had been right. If I didn’t want to be like my father, I’d have to choose a different path. Not the one I’d been treading so far. I’d never liked a girl like I did Amber. But I couldn’t lie to Amber. “I don’t know how good I’ll be at this relationship thing. It’s new for me.”

  Amber smiled. “I can’t promise either. It’s new for me as well. I’ve never had a boyfriend.” She swallowed. “Before the incident, I liked a guy but I never got the chance to be with him.”

  Anger surged through me when I thought of what had happened to her, but I pushed it aside. “I really want to try.”

  “Me too. That’s all we can do. Try.” She searched my face. “You know physical closeness is hard for me. I can’t promise that I’ll ever be ready to sleep with you.” She swallowed. “I don’t even know if I’ll ever be ready to do more than kissing.” Embarrassment twisted her expression.

  I didn’t like the thought of never doing more than kissing Amber, but I couldn’t tell her that. “I know. We just have to take our relationship one step at a time.”

  “That sounds good. But are you sure you are willing to wait for me to be ready. What about your…” I could tell she was searching for the right wording. “needs or urges?”

  I burst out laughing. Amber flushed. “Sorry, but that sounds like I’m some kind of animal who can’t control his urges.”

  Something shifted in Amber’s face and my gut tightened in horror. The men who’d raped Amber had been like animals. No worse. Monsters. “Amber. I’m—”

  She held up a hand and I shut up. Her chin wobbled as if she was about to lose it. “You’re right. You aren’t an animal. But you have needs.”

  “Don’t worry about my needs. I can take care of them.” She frowned. “You know? His right hand is a man’s best friend?” I winked.

  Amber choked on a laugh. “Oh, okay. Right. I didn’t think of that. But will that be enough?”

  I carefully closed my hand around hers. “Don’t worry. I can handle it.” I was on the verge of laughter again, but I fought it back. “You have to promise that you’ll always tell me when something is too much for you. I don’t want to pressure you.”

  She nodded. “I promise. So what are we going to do for our first date tonight?”

  “How about watching a movie?”

  “I haven’t been in a movie theater in years.” Since the rape, that’s what she didn’t say.

  “We can do something else.”

  She squeezed my hand. “No, I’d love to watch a movie.”

  I couldn’t believe Amber agreed to go out with me after everything Brian had told her, after what she’d witnessed yesterday. I wanted this to work out. I wouldn’t mess up.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Amber

  I’d been staring at the display of clothes in my wardrobe for almost thirty minutes and I still wasn’t sure what to wear to the date. I wanted to look nice for Zach. Unfortunately, the majority of clothes I owned were meant to hide my body and make me as inconspicuous as possible. A door fell shut in the apartment and someone stomped past my room. Brian. The way his steps sounded his time with Lauren hadn’t gone too well. He still hadn’t even told me about his girlfriend. I really hoped he wouldn’t make a scene when he found out Zach and I were going out tonight.

  I still couldn’t believe that Zach and I wanted to try a relationship. Zach wasn’t perfect, but neither was I. Maybe this was bound to end horribly, but I had to give it a try. Nerves twisted my stomach. I focused on the task at hand and picked out black – not-quite skinny but tighter than my usual style – jeans and a purple tank top I hadn’t ever worn before. I’d bought it online because I loved the color and then I’d never felt comfortable wearing it because it hugged my body in all the places I wanted to hide. I brushed out my hair, put on a light touch of make up and slipped on ballet flats, then I checked my reflection in the floor length mirror attached to the door. It was actually the first time I’d used it.

  Taking a deep breath, I left my room and headed toward the living room. Zach was already there. He wore dark jeans and a nice white shirt. He’d rolled up the sleeves, revealing strong forearms and tanned skin. He turned his head and caught me staring. His eyes roamed over me. I wished I knew what he was thinking. “You look beautiful,” he said.

  Trying to hide my nervousness, I strode toward him. He held out his hand, palm upward. Without hesitation, I put my hand in his. How could something as simple as holding hands feel so right? I wasn’t sure what it was about Zach that made this possible. I was just glad that he gave me the chance to explore a normal life. Music was blasting from Brian’s room. At least, he wouldn’t try to stop us.

  ***

  We arrived in the parking lot of the movie theater. We’d been holding hands all through the ride and I missed his touch when we let go of each other to get out of the car. The parking lot was crowded with people, mostly our age from what I could see. So many people. I hesitated beside the car. Zach held out his hand and I took it, glad fo
r his presence. I clutched his hand as we approached the movie theater. The inside was brightly illuminated and it was even more crowded than the parking lot. As we entered, noises washed over me. Laughter and conversation. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been surrounded by so many people.

  “Do you want popcorn or something else?”

  My eyes darted toward the counter. “Popcorn sounds great.” We joined the long line waiting for their turn. A group of high school boys got in line behind us, tall and loud. One of them bumped into me and panic surged through me. I pressed against Zach, seeking his protection.

  He shoved the guy back. “Watch it,” he snarled. The boy’s eyes widened, then he exchanged a look with his friends that made it obvious he thought Zach was overreacting, but they all backed a few steps away, giving me more room. Zach was impressive really.

  He gazed down at me and whispered, “Are you okay? We can leave if you want.”

  “No,” I said. “I’m fine.”

  He wrapped an arm around my shoulder protectively. “Too much?”

  I smiled. “No.”

  In Zach’s arms, the people and the noise weren’t half as scary. His scent and warmth enveloped me in a cocoon of safety. We got our popcorn and then we headed for our seats. The seats beside ours were both occupied, and both with men. Swallowing my rising panic, I sank down. I scooted as close to Zach as possible and he slung his arm around me. His expression was worried as he scanned my face. I forced a smile and eased my head down on his shoulder. The lights went down and the commercials started. Zach rested the popcorn on his lap and our hands kept brushing and every time a small shiver ran through me. Even though I was snuggled up against him and his arm was around my shoulder, those occasional touches felt intimate and thrilling. They stirred something in my belly, made me wonder how his touch would feel in other places, but I had a long way to go before that was an option.

  ***

  After the movie, Zach and I returned to our car and drove home. “I didn’t even think how crowded the movie theater would be,” he said after a while. “Sorry.”