by Cora Reilly
“You are. I won’t let anyone hurt you again.” I stroked her head. “I’ll protect you.”
Slowly her breathing became even and her face relaxed. She was still clutching my hand and I was worried I’d wake her if I tried to go. Pumpkin glowered at me from his spot on the desk chair. I shifted until I was half lying, extinguished the lights and closed my eyes. Amber snuggled closer until her head was resting on my arm and her breath fluttered over my naked chest. Fuck. I should have thought of putting on a shirt before I came into the room. At least, I was on top of the covers. I moved the hand Amber was holding but she only tightened her grip. It felt good to have her at my side, even though I hated the reason for why I was here in the first place.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Amber
When I woke the next morning, I was alone in my bed, except for Pumpkin who was sleeping on his usual spot by my feet. I remembered how I’d been saved from my nightmares by Zach, how I’d asked him to stay with me and how good it had felt to fall asleep with my hand in his. I’d felt safe. I’d slept without nightmares after that. When had he left? I hadn’t even heard him move. The spot beside me was cold, so it must have happened a while ago. Why had he left? Maybe being torn from sleep by my pathetic cries had made him realize just how broken I was. What kind of guy would want a girlfriend that was haunted by nightmares from her past?
***
I walked into the kitchen, a bathrobe over my nightgown, to feed Pumpkin and to grab a bite for myself. Zach was sitting at the table.
“Don’t you have classes?” I asked, hovering near the door. Pumpkin tiptoed over to the spot where he was always fed.
Zach glanced up from his cereal bowl and smiled. “Not until later.” His lower lip was slightly swollen and there was a tiny cut that was already scabbing. Embarrassment washed over me as I realized that I had done this to him. No wonder he’d fled my room the moment I’d fallen asleep. Who’d want to be close to someone who acted like a lunatic? “Hey, are you okay?” Zach asked gently, getting up from his chair.
I nodded, then gazed up at Zach as he stopped in front of me, not touching my body. Was that because he’d changed his mind about me, about us, or because he still wasn’t sure if it would scare me? Everything was still new and tentative. “You weren’t there when I woke this morning.”
Surprise crossed Zach’s face. He reached for my hand and slowly pulled me closer. “You wanted me to stay with you? I didn’t want to startle you when you woke.”
He’d been worried about me. “I asked you to stay. It’s not like you snuck into my bed while I slept.” He grinned. I stood on my tiptoes and he leaned down, touching his lips to mine. He winced and pulled back a few inches, licking his lower lip.
“Does it still hurt?”
Zach shook his head. “It’s nothing, really. I’ve had far worse.”
I wanted to ask him if he could spend every night in my room. Last night with him at my side, I’d felt safe. I knew he couldn’t protect me from my nightmares, nobody could, but somehow his closeness had at least kept the horrors of my past at bay. But the words wouldn’t leave my mouth. I couldn’t ask him for something like that. It couldn’t have been comfortable for him sitting on top of the covers. Was I ready to really share a bed with somebody? I wasn’t so sure. Zach’s eyes darted toward the clock on the wall. “I should probably get my ass moving, or I’ll be late again.”
I took a step back. “Again?”
Zach shrugged. “So are you going to meet that girl Olivia again tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll drive you.” He gave me a quick kiss and rushed off toward his room.
Ten minutes later, I sat alone in the apartment. The silence pressed down on me. I had to find something to do during the day. If I wanted to start College next Spring I’d have to apply in the next few weeks. I wasn’t convinced I was ready for a room full of people yet, but applying couldn’t hurt. And in the meantime, I’d have to find a job. There had to be something I could do. I couldn’t hide in the apartment forever. If I really wanted to move on from the past and break free of its hold over me, I had to take control of every part of my life. Having a boyfriend was only a small part of it.
***
Olivia watched me over her cup of tea. “You seem happy.” Her cheeks looked even more hollow than last week, but according to our rules I wasn’t allowed to talk about weight or food and so I didn’t.
“I am happy. Being with Zach is something I never thought possible.”
She smiled but her eyes were distant. “I’m happy for you.”
“Are you okay?”
She set down her cup of tea. “Yeah, sorry. I just remembered how it felt to be in love. Well, at least I was in love. He on the other hand…” She trailed off.
I knew her old boyfriend was another no-go topic but she had kind of mentioned it. “Your ex-boyfriend. What happened?”
“He cheated on me,” she said slowly. “We’d been dating for a little over a year when I found out he’d been sleeping around.” She gave a helpless shrug. “Maybe it was my fault. Maybe he got sick of my problems. He never got why it was so hard for me to take control of my eating disorder. I guess he wanted a normal girl. Or maybe he couldn’t stand to look at my body anymore. Who knows?”
“Sorry, Olivia. You’ll find someone better.” Worry gnawed at me. Olivia’s boyfriend had cheated on her because of her issues. What if Zach did the same? I quickly banned the thought from my head. Zach had promised. We both wanted to give this relationship a chance. He wouldn’t do what Olivia’s boyfriend had done. But still…
“Now I ruined your evening,” Olivia said with a frown. “Are you worried about Zach?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Well, you mentioned that he’s been with many girls before you, and my story wasn’t really happy. Just because my boyfriend was an asshole doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust yours. From what you told me Zach seems to adore you, so other girls are probably very far from his mind.”
“Maybe, but Zach can’t even really touch me.”
“Most cheaters cheat even though their girlfriends sleep with them. Men always like to blame their infidelity on their frigid women but in truth, they are just horny assholes. A cheater cheats no matter what his girlfriend does.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “A pessimistic way of seeing things.”
“Yeah, I’m bitter. You shouldn’t listen to me. Let’s change the topic. There’s a reason why I banned my ex from our conversation. Nothing good every comes from being reminded of him.”
I nodded. “So, the latest episode of Game of Thrones. I can’t believe—” My ringing phone interrupted me. “Sorry,” I said as I pulled it out of my purse. It was Brian. I picked up. “Hi Brian, what’s up?”
“I’m going to pick you up from therapy.”
“It’s not therapy.” Olivia raised her eyebrows. ‘My brother’ I mouthed back at her. She rolled her eyes and I grinned, then Brian’s words registered. “Zach was supposed to pick me up.”
“Yeah, I know. He called me. His dad is in town and wants to meet him, so he asked me to jump in.”
“Oh, sure. See you then.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
Brian hung up.
“Let’s go. We need to be there before my brother arrives. He’ll freak out if I’m not waiting for him. He constantly worries.”
We packed our things and strolled back to the hospital building. Brian’s car, an old Corolla, pulled up a couple of minutes later. He got out and jogged toward us, his eyes darting between Olivia and me. It was the first time he met her. Zach had picked me up the last two times. I introduced them. Olivia brushed a strand behind her ear and smiled shyly at my brother. Oh no. I needed to tell her next time I saw her that Brian had a girlfriend. “How was your talk session?” Brian asked, looking at Olivia.
I rolled my eyes. I knew he wasn’t happy that I wasn’t in an actual support group, but for now
“That’s my lift,” Olivia said with a nod toward her mother’s car. “Nice to meet you.” She gave Brian another smile, then gave me a meaningful look before heading toward her mother.
“She seems nice,” Brian said, the moment Olivia was out of earshot. “Does her mother know that she’s not in therapy and that she’s spending her time drinking coffee with you instead?”
“I don’t think so. It’s Olivia’s business. She and I are old enough to make our own decisions,” I said. “It helps me to talk with her.”
“I don’t get it. She didn’t even experience the same thing as you did.”
“Few people have,” I muttered.
Brian grimaced. “I mean, she’s not a victim of abuse. She has an eating disorder; that’s something entirely different.”
“I know. But I feel comfortable with her because she struggles with other demons,” I said as I sat down in the passenger seat. “I hope Zach’s father doesn’t give him trouble.” And I hoped Brian would get the hint and stop talking about my meetings with Olivia. I’d join a real support group when I felt ready for it.
Brian grimaced. “He usually does. Zach really hates him. Have you talked to him about his parents yet?”
“Once, but he didn’t say much.”
“He doesn’t like to talk about them.”
“Maybe I’ll try to talk to him when he gets back from meeting his father.”
“I doubt he’ll be sober enough for that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Usually, after a conversation with his father, Zach goes out, gets drunk and picks up a random girl--” Brian snapped his mouth shut. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
I wrung my hands as I tried to keep my face neutral. “It’s okay. I can deal with Zach’s past.”
“He probably won’t go out tonight. He’s got you now after all, so don’t worry.” Brian sounded doubtful and that didn’t help. Was he doing it on purpose, trying to bring a wedge between Zach and me?
We didn’t speak for the rest of the drive and when we arrived at our apartment, I disappeared into my room. Zach wasn’t home yet.
I kept glancing at the clock the rest of the evening, while searching the internet for possible jobs I could apply for. Brian called for me once, asking if I wanted to order pizza, but I had eaten a slice of carrot cake earlier and was too anxious to be hungry anyway.
Close to midnight, when I was already dressed in my nightgown, the front door banged shut and I heard Zach’s cursing. I put on my bathrobe and peered out of my room. Heavy steps sounded in the living room. I held my breath and listened for the sound of a second pair of shoes, but I could hear only Zach. Immediately I berated myself for thinking Zach would bring someone home. Brittany had happened before Zach and I had started dating. I shouldn’t have let Brian’s comment get to me.
Zach appeared in the corridor, a tall shape in the darkness. His movements were unsteady and he bumped into the wall. I flicked the switch and the lights came on. Zach shielded his eyes with his hand. “Fuck. That’s too bright.” His words were slightly slurred. He staggered in my direction and a hint of unease settled in my gut. One of the men who’d broken me had been drunk. I still remembered the smell of alcohol on his breath and streaming from his pores. Shuddering, I shoved the memory out of my head. Zach stopped in front of me, his hand still hiding his eyes from me. I considered turning on my heel and locking myself in my room, but I wasn’t afraid of Zach, drunk or sober. “You are drunk.”
Zach dropped his hand and his gaze focused on me. He stumbled a step forward and I stiffened, but didn’t back away. His eyes grew wide and he shook himself. “Fuck. Sorry, Amber. You shouldn’t have to see me like this, fucking wasted. I’m probably scaring the shit out of you.”
He walked backward and almost lost his balance. “You don’t scare me,” I said firmly.
Brian’s lights came on and spilled out from under his closed door. He’d start another fight with Zach if he found him like this. Not that Zach didn’t deserve it, but I really didn’t want to have another discussion with my brother about my relationship with Zach. I took Zach’s arm and quickly ushered him into his room, then closed the door. “Amber?” Brian called.
“I’m fine. I’m with Zach. Go back to bed.”
“Zach’s home?”
Brian’s door groaned. That meant he was opening it further. Since Zach had pushed Brian into it, the door couldn’t be moved without making a sound. “Is he drunk?”
“No, he’s fine. Go back to sleep. I just need to talk to Zach.”
Eventually I heard the click of Brian’s door and turned around. Zach had passed out. He lay sprawled out on his bed, his limbs spread wide, legs dangling over the edge. We definitely wouldn’t talk tonight. I crept closer. He was still fully dressed. I bent over his feet and slid off his shoes, then straightened and considered my options. I could leave him as he was. It would serve him right. I knelt on the bed beside Zach’s upper body and tried to free him from his jacket. It couldn’t be comfortable for him to wear it during the night, but he was heavy to move. When I’d finally pulled one arm out of a jacket sleeve, Zach mumbled something in his sleep. I leaned closer but couldn’t hear what it was. He shifted suddenly and wrapped one arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him, then he rested his head in my lap. I swallowed a gasp, my body frozen in shock. My heart pounded in my chest as panic tried to take hold of me. This was only Zach and he was doing nothing, just sleeping. He didn’t even know what he was doing. There was no danger. Slowly I relaxed. Zach was fast asleep, his head warm in my lap. What now? I tried to wriggle away but his grip on my waist kept me in place. I drew in a deep breath. I was in control of the situation, I reminded myself. I could wake Zach; he’d immediately release me and probably be embarrassed. Everything was okay. I lowered my back onto the mattress. Zach let out a sleepy sigh. I stroked his head and watched his relaxed expression. Apparently my lap was very comfortable. The lights were still on, my position was uncomfortable and Zach smelled like an ashtray, but I closed my eyes and tried to relax. Tomorrow I’d have to ask Zach what had happened. He’d been in a club or at a bar, that much was certain. But what else had he done?
Zach
I had the mother of all headaches. This must be what it was like when Dexter used a drill on a victim’s head. I groaned as I shifted my head, then froze. That wasn’t a pillow under my head. My hand rested on a hip and my head on a stomach. Soft skin pressed against my cheek. Dread shot through me worse than any headache could. Holy fuck. I was with a woman. I’d been dating Amber for what? Two days and I’d already cheated on her. Brian was right. I was a fuck up. I couldn’t remember much from last night, except that after meeting my father I’d gone off to a bar with Jason and Bill, and had gotten shitfaced. At some point, I must have met someone and taken her home. Amber would be heartbroken. She’d hate me forever, as she should.
Maybe it was for the best that I’d messed up so soon. That way at least we never got the chance to get emotionally invested. Oh fuck, as if I wasn’t already emotionally invested.
But I had to own up to my mistakes and just take the hint the universe was sending me: I wasn’t cut out to be in a relationship. Every woman I dated would only end up like my mother: heartbroken, bitter and alcoholic.
I had to get away from whoever I’d screwed last night. There really was no easy or polite way to do it. Over the years I’d honed my craft of slipping out undetected but I’d never woken up snuggling someone before. Fucking great. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, immediately stunned to find myself in my own room. I raised my head off the soft stomach and stared down at the woman I’d spent the night with. Amber. She was sprawled on my bed, one arm draped over her head, the other beside her body, her hair fanned out around her head like a dark halo. She looked peaceful. How had she gotten here? My eyes traveled the length of her body. Her nightgown had ridden up almost all the way to her ribcage, revealing her long legs, creamy stomach and her thin white hipster panties. I stifled a groan. The outline of her folds and the curls on her mound were visible through the fabric. All I wanted to do was lean down and kiss her there. I wanted to press my palm against her core and feel its warmth. I wanted to bury myself in her. My cock was already rock hard and straining against my jeans. Get a fucking grip on yourself, asshole.
“Zach?” Amber’s sleepy voice almost gave me a heart attack and I ripped my gaze away from her panties and found Amber watching me with obvious embarrassment, her cheeks flushed. Fuck, she’d caught me ogling her in her sleep. I sat up further to give her more space and shifted one of my legs to hide the fucking bulge in my pants. She lowered her arm, wincing. It probably had fallen asleep. She hadn’t slept in the most comfortable position. Instead of sitting up, she lay there, searching my face. I wished I could read her mind. “What happened?” I asked instead.
She finally sat up, pulling her nightgown down and curling her legs under her body. She couldn’t meet my eyes. I really wished I could remember what I’d done last night. I hadn’t dragged her into my room, I hoped. Since she was still mostly dressed and not crying, I couldn’t have forced my touch or worse on her. “I hoped you could tell me that,” she said, peeking up at me through her lashes.
I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t remember much except for getting shitfaced and taking a cab, after that it’s pretty much a blur.”
“You were very drunk,” she said quietly.
“Did I do something? I didn’t drag you into my room, did I?”
She smiled. “No. I dragged you inside to hide you from Brian. I didn’t want him to see you so drunk. And then you passed out.”
“Thanks for staying with me,” I said. Silence settled between us and I could tell that Amber wanted to ask me something. “I bet the girls in the club wear sexy lace underwear.”
I frowned. “I didn’t do anything with other girls.”
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