Alive Again

by Emma Tharp

  Grabbing a new diaper, I remove the old, swap them out, and clean her off. “Do you like your new nanny Carsen?” The pitch of my voice always goes higher when I talk to her. Baby talk. “I think she’s great and we’re really lucky to have her with us.”

  Maeve puts her small hand around mine and sticks her tongue out and makes more incoherent noises. She’s so damn precious, I’m literally wrapped around her finger. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.

  “Let’s be really nice to Carsen so she doesn’t leave us, okay?” I’m saying it to her, but I want to remind myself, too. She hasn’t been here long but already I’m getting used to her being here. She goes above and beyond just taking care of Maeve; she cooks and cleans up for all of us. And she’s pleasant to be around, unlike that last woman I hired. It’d be great if she’d stick around. And I’m going to do my damnedest to be a good boy around her. I don’t need to create any other issues for myself. Keep things platonic. Yes, I can do that.

  We walk together down the road of the cul-de-sac, Carsen pushing the stroller toward the playground. The houses that line the street are grand and beautiful, all built by McLoughlin Contracting. Flowers are blooming now, the faint scent of roses in the air. Inhaling deeply, I take in the day, the sun shining bright overhead, and a warm breeze blowing.

  “What’s your favorite movie?” Carsen asks.

  Her question comes from out of the blue, but I like how comfortable she is around me. I don’t usually give off a vibe that allows people to feel that way, ever an introvert. It normally takes people a long time to crack my shell, but once they do I warm up. “Hmm, that’s a tough question. There are so many good ones. What genre, what decade?” We’ve made it to the park area and I unfasten Maeve from her stroller.

  She walks over next to me as I clasp Maeve in the baby swing and give her a push. She lets out a delighted squeal. “Doesn’t matter what decade or genre, could be comedy, drama, thriller. You have to have one movie that is your absolute favorite that you watch every time it comes on cable.”

  “I don’t know; there are honestly way too many to name. I loved The Godfather, all the Star Wars, Memento, The Goonies, the list goes on and on. What about you?”

  Carsen takes a seat on the swing next to Maeve and pushes back before she swings forward, her long legs propelling her forward. When she’s all the way back, she tips her head backward, dark blonde hair flowing behind her, nearly hitting the ground and looks at me. “That’s easy. It’s Forrest Gump.”

  I can’t take my eyes off of her. It’s impossible. My mind starts taking me places I shouldn’t go. An attraction to this woman is wrong. She works for me. I’m married and eleven years older than she is. But yet here I am, a smart man thinking thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking, like how would my lips feel against hers, what she would feel like in my arms.

  Analyzing it makes no sense. It isn’t just because she’s amazing with Maeve or because she can cook and takes care of the house. It isn’t even her drop-dead gorgeous body. It’s her presence, the way she talks to me. The way her eyes hold mine as if I have her complete and total attention. And I like being around her. When was the last time I came home early from work?

  “I’ve never sat down and watched Forrest Gump,” I tell her.

  Scraping her feet along the ground, she stops herself and looks at me, her eyes wide. “Wait. Are you trying to tell me that you’ve never watched one of the greatest movies of all time, starring the great Tom Hanks? The film that won six Academy Awards, including Best Actor and Best Picture?”

  “Nope. Never.” And if I’m not mistaken, there’s a good chance the film was made before she was even born. She must be a movie buff.

  Hopping off the swing to stand in front of me, she places her hands on my shoulders and says, “We will remedy this and soon.” A jolt of energy works its way from where her hands are touching me all the way down to my hands.

  Taking a cleansing breath to pull my shit together, I say, “Yeah, let’s do it. If it’s as good as you say it is, I need to see it.”

  “Tonight. I’m not taking no for an answer.” She still has ahold of me and won’t look away.

  The mountain of paperwork is calling my name, but if I lock myself in my office as soon as we get back, I will have enough time to finish and watch the movie. I think. “Okay, but we’re going to have to cut this short. Or you can stay and I’ll head back.”

  Carsen’s hands finally come off my shoulders and I feel like I can breathe again. I was so tempted to pull her in close to me and plant my lips on hers. Unfastening Maeve from her swing, Carsen carries her to her stroller and puts her back in it. “I’m so excited for you. I wish I could go back and watch it all over again. My brother and I must’ve watched Forrest Gump at least one hundred times; my mom had the DVD.”

  “Tell me about your brother. What’s he like?” I can’t wait to hear what she has to say about him. The couple of times she’s mentioned him, her face lights up. The bond I have with my brothers is like no other, and I have the feeling things are the same with her.

  “Oh, Jake. He’s the best. He’s the kind of guy you call when you need help moving or changing your flat tire, but he’s also a smarty-pants. You know the type, a straight A student who barely had to study at all. And what I appreciate the most is that he isn’t conceited or an asshole. He’s a likable guy.” She sounds like a proud parent. In a way, she was like his mother. Taking care of him while her single mother worked two jobs.

  “He sounds great. Like his sister.”

  She’s pushing the stroller, but pauses to give me a heartwarming, hard-on producing smile. “Thanks for that.”

  “I mean it, Carsen. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I can read people. And I appreciate you staying with us and taking such great care of Maeve. She loves you already. I can’t thank you enough for that.” My voice comes out with more emotion than I mean to let out. I don’t know what she’s doing to me. Showing people how I feel is difficult for me. It’s easier if I just hold it in, but somehow she’s putting cracks in my armor and the emotion is seeping through.

  Her hand comes up to my arm and she rubs it up and down a few times and nods. “It’s my pleasure,” she says and we continue our walk to my house.

  Once inside, I excuse myself to my office so I can sort through the most relevant paperwork and make sure I finish that first. Carsen brings me a chicken salad for dinner and an hour later tells me she’s giving Maeve a bath and putting her to bed. She brings me in a beer and gives me one more hour before the movie starts. Silly little butterflies flutter around my insides thinking about sitting on the couch with her and watching a movie.

  In the living room, Carsen has a bowl of popcorn on her lap. When she sees me coming, she pats the spot next to her and says, “Come on, time to watch Forrest.”

  Taking my seat next to her, I grab a handful of popcorn and pop it in my mouth. “You have it all ready?”

  “All set.” She just took a shower and is wearing a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top. Her hair is wet and she drags it over one shoulder. Her shampoo smells like flowers. It’s impossible not to notice her legs; they look as smooth as silk.

  Shifting my gaze away from her body and on the movie, I watch Tom Hanks deliver an incredible performance of a simple man with extraordinary talent and an incredible life. At least twice during the movie, Carsen cries. She tries to wipe at her eyes as if she doesn’t want me to notice, but I notice.

  When it’s over, Carsen looks at me with expectant eyes. “What did you think?”

  “How have I not seen this movie before?”

  Giving my shoulder a playful nudge, she says, “Right? Aren’t you glad you took the time away from work to watch it?”

  “I am. Thank you for recommending it.” The movie was good, but watching it with Carsen made it even better. Her commentary and her sweet emotional reaction when Bubba died and again when Jenny passed away. And of course when she shifted her legs toward me, he
r knees pressed against mine, the heat from her skin warming me, causing my heart to race. “I better get some more work done.” I stand up and stretch my arms over my head.

  “I’m sorry you have to stay up and do more work. If I hadn’t talked you into the playground and the movie, you’d be able to go to sleep at a decent time.” Her expression is pained.

  Sitting back down next to her, I want to reach for her hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, but think better of it. Instead, I look into the depths of her blue-green eyes and say, “Don’t apologize. I’m not sorry. I had fun today at the playground with you both and I loved Forrest Gump. I honestly don’t think I could’ve gone another minute without seeing it. Don’t worry about me. I’ve never required much sleep.”

  Relief washes over her face. “Thank you for saying that. But unlike you, I do require a good night’s sleep. So I’m going to bed now.”

  We both stand and go in opposite directions, Carsen toward the stairs and me to my office. Turning one last time, I watch her perfect, tight legs go up the stairs and decide once and for all that I will stop checking her out. Funny, Patrick, let’s see how long you’ll last.

  4

  Carsen

  “How has it been going?” Scarlette asks as she cuts a piece of chicken and places it in her mouth.

  “The last few weeks have been incredible. Patrick and Maeve are easy to work for.” Giving Maeve a tickle under her chin, she rewards me with a smile, her two bottom teeth on full display. She grabs a Cheerio off her tray and nibbles on it. This child couldn’t get any cuter.

  Scarlette claps her hands together. “I knew you guys would hit it off.”

  “That’s why I invited you to lunch today, to thank you for recommending me to Patrick. I needed this job and I think it’s going really well,” I say. I leave out the part that I’m extremely attracted to him.

  “Braeden told me that Patrick said he was relieved that you are Maeve’s new nanny and that he thinks you are going to work out great. The last nanny was so miserable that he could barely stand to be around her. He thinks you’re sweet.”

  Sweet. Huh. I wonder if that’s all he thinks of me? He’s normally unreadable, but when I catch him checking out my body or when we’re watching movies and there seems to be tension between us. It’s all I can think about, even though I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. He’s my boss and I need this job. Curiosity is getting the better of me, that’s my ulterior motive for inviting Scarlette here today. “I’m happy to hear that he thinks I’m going to work out. But I can’t help but be curious about Maggie.” There, I said it. I was worried about bringing her up, but I can’t help myself.

  “Everything I know about her is from Brae. She left before we got together.”

  “Oh, I didn’t realize,” I say.

  Nodding, she says, “I guess they were high school sweethearts. He was captain of the basketball team and she was his number one cheerleader. They had the perfect marriage, at least that’s how it seemed. Obviously something happened, but Patrick was blindsided.”

  “I can’t imagine how awful that must’ve been for him.” What would that feel like? To have someone you love up and walk out on you. My stomach sinks just thinking about it. I push my plate away and throw my napkin on it.

  “It devastated the family when she left them. The McLoughlin brothers are tight and when you hurt one, you hurt them all.”

  “Why doesn’t he try and find her?” I ask, my confusion at an all time high.

  Scarlette drinks the last of her iced tea and sets it in front of her, shaking the ice cubes around. “He says that if she doesn’t want him, he doesn’t want to force her.”

  “That sounds like he gave up.” From what I know of him, it doesn’t sound right. He’s a hard worker; wouldn’t he want to do the same with his relationship?

  Scarlette weaves her hand through her blonde hair. “No, it isn’t like that. She gave up. He loves her so much he’s trying to respect her decision. When he’s ready, he can have his private investigator look for her. He initially was going to look for her but when it came time to do it, he decided to wait and see. It must drive him crazy to not know. I think I’d have to do more, but so much about Patrick is a mystery.”

  Now I want to find her. “Right. I don’t think I could be as patient as he is.”

  “Who knows what he must be thinking. Brae says that when Maggie left, Patrick sort of went into himself and stopped doing all of the things he used to love doing. Patrick used to love riding his motorcycle and barely does that. It’s just sad. At least now he’s got you to shoulder some of the burden for him. Maybe now he can start doing some of the things he loves.” She gives me a warm smile.

  “I hope so. Thanks again for the referral.” It would be wonderful to have Patrick start getting back to his old self. It hurts me to think that his life stopped when Maggie left.

  “My pleasure.” Flagging down the waiter, Scarlette says, “Sorry, I’ve got to take off and get back to school. I wish I had more time to catch up. Why don’t we plan this again?” She leans in and gives Maeve a peck on the cheek. “You know, we should all do dinner together soon. I’m sure Brae and Patrick would love any excuse to get together.”

  “Sounds like fun.”

  It’s been a few days since I’ve visited my mom and brother. It’s not that I don’t want to see them. I do, I love them. We don’t have a typical relationship. My father passed away when I was ten and Mom never recovered, emotionally or financially. She is a hard worker, I’ll give her that. We never had much, but always enough. Her problem is that she relies on me too much and she has since Dad died. I never minded taking care of Jake; he means everything to me, but Mom started treating me like an equal, and worse, at times like a friend.

  Our house needs updating. And by updating, I mean, new windows, siding, plumbing, and updates on the electrical; all things that have been put off and continue to get worse. Through high school, I never invited anyone over to my house. I was too embarrassed for my friends to see it in its worn down dilapidated state. One more reason I’m thrilled to be living in a beautiful, up-to-date home.

  Pulling into the driveway of the house, I kill the engine and get out to get Maeve out of the back. “You ready to meet my mom and brother?” She watches me intently with those big green eyes as I shift her weight on my hip. “Okay, let’s go in.”

  Once inside, my mom greets us. She’s tall and thin like me, but age and time haven’t been kind to her. She looks much older than her forty years, with lines around her mouth and bags under her eyes. “Hey, Carsen. Who is this beautiful child?” Mom comes up and gives me a one-armed hug as to not squish Maeve and then she grabs Maeve’s hand in hers.

  “This is Maeve. Isn’t she sweet?” I say.

  “Is this who you’re nannying for?” My brother’s voice comes up from behind me.

  “Jake, hi. I’m glad you’re here.”

  Coming up next to me, Jake plants a kiss on my cheek. “How’s the new job going?”

  “It’s going great. She’s such an easy baby,” I tell them as I take a seat at the kitchen table and adjust Maeve on my lap.

  “Want some iced tea?” my mom asks.

  Nodding at her, I say, “Sure.”

  She gets me a glass and fills it with some of her famous sun tea and sets it in front of me. “I’m glad you came by.” She draws her mouth into a tight straight line and bites on her bottom lip.

  Shit. I hate that look. Something isn’t right. My heartbeat speeds up and I don’t even know what’s wrong. “What’s the matter?”

  Mom exchanges a look with Jake, clears her throat, and says, “Cole came by again, drunk as a skunk. Said he wasn’t leaving until I told him where you were.”

  Damn him. I don’t know what I’m going to have to do to get him to leave me alone. “God, Mom. I’m sorry. I keep telling him it’s over. In fact, I asked him to stop reaching out. He calls and texts every day still, even though I’ve stopped responding.” />
  Jake pulls up a chair and sits next to me. His blue-green eyes are full of concern. “What can I do to help?”

  “Oh, no, you don’t. You leave this alone, okay? Do you hear me?” There’s no way I want Jake to put himself at risk. He’s so close to getting out of here and going to NYU. That’s all I want him to focus on. Not my loser ex-boyfriend. I’ll figure out what to do about him. Eventually. “Please don’t tell him where I am. That’s what I need from you guys. And if he comes back, let’s get a restraining order.”

  “If he comes back here when I’m home, it’s not going to be good, Carsen. If you told him it’s over, then he needs to leave you alone.” Jake’s brows knit together and his tone gets louder.

  Breathing deeply in an attempt to calm us all down, I say, “I will talk to him one last time and tell him the way it is. I will make him see once and for all that I’m done, but, Jake, you have to promise me you won’t do anything stupid. Cole isn’t worth it.” I give him the tone I always used to give him when I was reprimanding him. “Mom, you need to make sure that you guys don’t even answer the door if he shows up. We can’t afford anything to go wrong for Jake before he leaves for college.” Who knows if she’ll listen to me and take my advice, but I have to hope she will. I can’t get upset with Maeve here; she’s being so good chewing on her teething toy, but she’s starting to rub her eyes.

  My mother rolls her eyes, as if I can’t see that she’s doing it. This woman could drive me insane if I let her. “Don’t worry so much, Carsen. It’ll be fine. I won’t answer the door if he shows up here. We’ve got you covered.”

  Mom and Jake talk about his upcoming move and of things he’ll need before he goes. And Mom is proud of herself when she tells me she’s been promoted to manager at the hotel she’s working at now. Once I finish my tea, Maeve starts rubbing her eyes again.

  “Mom, do you mind holding her for a second? I’m going to go pack up some of my art supplies and head out. It’s almost time for her afternoon nap.”