Eventually, he found himself leaving the city behind. Night was falling, but he kept driving until it was well and truly dark. By then, he’d gotten far enough out of the city that there were trees around him. He switched the bike off, letting himself soak in the silence of the night. Several cars passed by, honking when they realized someone was on the side of the road. He carried his bike over to the tree line, then left it there as he stripped down and started to run.
His wolf came forward fluidly. The feeling of the earth beneath his paws, the sharp scents in his nose, calmed his mind. But even as he came to accept what he had learned and know that there was nothing for him with Valerie, his heart ached.
He had been such a fool! He ought to have known from the start that Valerie’s crazy plan wouldn’t work. He ought to have known that no matter what he did, Lancaster wasn’t going to let him back into the Family. When he had told Kavan to spy on Valerie, he hadn’t said that Kavan would be welcomed back into the Family. Hadn’t even hinted at it.
Kavan was as stupid for believing that Lancaster giving him orders was an invitation back to the Family as he was stupid for thinking that Valerie might, somehow, care enough about him that she would want to…
Whatever. He was stupid. That didn’t mean he had to make the same mistakes again.
Ever since he was a kid, he knew that nobody cared. Not the foster families he was placed with. Not the Family. They all saw him one way, as a means to an end. But he’d wanted so badly to belong, to be loved, that he’d convinced himself... That the Family looked out for him, protected him because they cared. That he was more than just a cog in the machine, to be replaced if he didn’t fit in perfectly.
The truth of the matter was, nobody cared. Nobody would ever care. And he was going to have to live with that.
You know that’s not true. There are people who care, a voice at the back of this mind said, sounding suspiciously like Philip. Just go on and ask for help already. It’s better than dying.
It was indeed. Kavan turned around, his chest heaving from his long run. Philip did care. Why else would he have tried so hard to get him that job? Maybe it was time that Phil was told everything.
Chapter Ten
“Wow.”
Kavan snorted. Philip’s response to hearing everything was quite underwhelming. “Wow indeed.”
Philip lifted one hand and dropped it. He stared at the far wall for a moment before he took a long swig of his beer. When Kavan showed up at the gates of the community that Philip, Lizzie, and their kids lived in, Philip had suggested that they go to an apartment in the city where they occasionally stayed. Apparently, Lizzie usually used it to offer homeless people a night off the streets or to rent to people in desperate need of some affordable housing for their families.
Tonight, though, it was all Kavan’s. He’d bought a couple of cases of beer on his way over and drank through them while he told Philip everything. Now that he was done, he felt sort of empty inside. Not really hollow, more like he’d been holding in so much, and now that he’d let it out, he wasn’t sure what was left.
All he knew was that he was tired. So very, very tired.
“So, let me see if I’ve got this straight,” Philip said slowly. “You were going to go up against Lancaster for this girl. You love her that much.”
“Wouldn’t say love,” Kavan mumbled.
Philip rolled his eyes. “Right. So, you’re willing to die for her, but you won’t say that you love her. Got it.”
“Shut up.” Kavan glared at him. He wasn’t in the mood for teasing today. He drank the rest of the bottle in his hand and reached for another one. He didn’t open it, though, not yet at least. He wanted to see what else Philip had to say. Ironic, in a way, since he had just told him to shut up…
“You were all set to risk your life by taking down Lancaster for her career,” Philip said after a pause, “until she told you she had accepted a bribe from Lancaster to save her dying father. And the crime that she accepted the bribe for was releasing some kid with a bit of pot on him? Was the kid part of the family?”
He shrugged.
“Doesn’t matter, really,” Philip continued, “since you say she was going to throw it out anyway. And honestly, I agree with her there. I don’t think people should use weed, especially not kids, but to throw them in jail over something like that is—”
“Phil.”
“Sorry. The point is, of course, she hadn’t told you about accepting the bribe. Even if it was for her family, news like that gets out and it’s hell in a handbasket for her. You know that. Don’t you think she deserves forgiveness?”
Kavan shrugged and opened the beer. “I don’t know. The whole situation is fucked up. I’d rather be in jail again than dealing with all of this.”
Philip arched a brow at him. “Really? You’d rather go to jail? Is it really that bad Kavan? Or is it that you just really don’t want to forgive her?”
“Don’t try to psychoanalyze me.”
“Who is psychoanalyzing anybody?” Philip lifted his beer. “I’m asking a question is all.”
Kavan gulped down another mouthful of beer, but it tasted overly bitter in his mouth. He laughed out loud as he shook his head. “I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Jail is better than taking the woman you love by the hand and saying that even though you’re hurt by what she said, especially because she kept that secret, but that you understand where she’s coming from and you want to make this work?” Philip paused and a look of concern came over his face. “You do want it to work out, don’t you? You don’t think this is enough to call it quits?”
“It was a fake relationship.”
Philip grunted.
“It was!”
“It might have been a fake engagement, but there was nothing fake about that relationship. Otherwise, why would you tell her about Lancaster, huh?” Philip rose an accusing eyebrow. “Or are you saying that you were going to defy him and the entire Family for some chick you didn’t even like? That you decked a vampire in the face just for appearance’s sake?”
Kavan was sullenly silent.
“Look, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. That’s your business. But I would like to think we’re friends and that you’d take a little advice from an old pal who once found himself in a tricky situation with a woman, too.”
“I can listen to advice. Doesn’t mean I’ll take it.”
“Listening is good enough. Here’s my advice, then. Listen to her. Not just to what she says but what’s under the surface too. It can be hard. Let me tell you. It’s too easy to just let yourself get angry or refuse to communicate. Especially for us. Communication and discussion weren’t that big in the Family, were they?”
Kavan rubbed his eyes.
“Look at it this way. Valerie trusts you. She wouldn’t have admitted something so damning if she didn’t trust you. She could also have strung you along, taken the chance to get a deal herself or found a way to twist it all around to save her own skin. But she told you because she didn’t want you to risk your life.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that she’s been acting like she’s better than I am because she’s a judge and… and acting like I’m just a criminal. And all the while, she has been hiding this. She told me, yeah, but only after… Only after I put it all on the line.” Kavan drank his beer, gulping it all down. So much hitting him all at once made him feel a little sick. His head spun and his gut churned trying to make room for it all. “Let’s be honest here. I have a lot more to lose if this ends up getting out.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But let’s look at it another way—”
“I don’t want to look at it another way!” Kavan’s wolf snapped and growled. He rolled his eyes and slumped. “Fine. Let’s look at it another way.”
“She told you that this is her life, right? That without her career, she doesn’t know who she is?”
Kavan sighed.
“Then think about it this w
ay. If it was you, before Lancaster exiled you—”
“But she already said her career is over and bringing down Lancaster would only mean that her bribe would be publicly used against her.”
Philip held up his hand. “Shut up a minute and let me talk, will you? Jesus, you’re as bad as Bethany at interrupting and not letting people finish.”
“You shut up.” Kavan reached for another beer but the way he felt sucked enough that he decided against it.
“Keep telling me to shut up and I won’t tell you anymore of my awesome advice.”
Kavan rolled his eyes and gestured for him to talk.
Philip took his time. He drank some more of his beer and arranged all the empty bottles. Kavan knew he was messing with him, so he remained silent. It grew harder, though, as Philip continued to mess around with the bottles. Eventually, when Kavan’s fingers were drumming on the table, Philip grinned and turned to face him head-on.
“Think about it this way. If she brought down Lancaster and the whole Family, who is going to care that she took a bribe years ago to save her dying father? Nobody. They’ll be hailing her as a hero who single-handedly cleaned up half of New York. She didn’t refuse your offer and tell you about the bribe because she doesn’t want to get herself into more trouble.”
Kavan wanted to say that of course that’s why she did it, but the words stuck on his tongue. If she hadn’t…
“She said that because she didn’t want you to risk your life for her career. You both told each other secrets that you were keeping. Maybe it’s not the best way for those secrets to come out, but the fact is you told each other.”
The significance of that wasn’t lost on Kavan. They had told each other. But what did it mean? Did it mean he could trust Valerie, that he could forgive her? What was the alternative if he did not? Just going forward never seeing her smile at him again? To have this fight be the last thing they ever said to each other?
“You got to think about it,” Philip said, finishing off the beer he’d been nursing. “You have to think about what you want and if your pride is worth ruining what you have with Valerie.”
“I don’t know if she…”
“Then ask her.”
Kavan scratched his head absentmindedly as he considered what Philip had said. Of course, on the outside, it seemed like an obvious thing. But he couldn't remember any time that he had gone to a woman when he didn’t know if she wanted him. Couldn’t remember asking, couldn’t remember begging… he’d already done that with Valerie more than he ever had in his entire life. Pride. Was it proud to want to know if she had a chance of feeling for him the way he felt for her?
“Just wish this whole fucking mess was less messy,” he grumbled.
“Well, messes are messy,” Philip quipped, then shrugged at the death glare Kavan sent him. He stood, stretched and patted Kavan’s shoulder. “Just think about what you really want, okay? And then go back to Valerie and tell her straight out. Don’t leave her in the mire of uncertainty.”
Kavan nodded. He stood, patted his friend’s back, then shoved him to the door. “Get back home to your mate and use your poetry on her, ya bastard. Just take a cab, you’re too drunk to drive.”
“You’re the drunk one,” Philip responded with a hearty laugh, but when he walked out the door, he left his keys behind.
Kavan cleaned up and went to shower. His head was buzzing, not feeling so great but that would be because he’d never been able to handle beer that well. Whiskey and rum were nothing but beer? Maybe it was the yeast or something. He didn’t know, but he didn’t like how it made him feel.
A swimming head wasn’t very conducive to thinking about his situation, but he couldn’t really turn off his brain. His mind turned over and over and over what Philip had said. About pride and trust and what he really wanted.
First things first: what did he want? He saw two possibilities.
One, the Family. What he had wanted all his life, the people to take care of him and protect him, the people to love him, to be a part of something, to belong. The Family had given him all that and he could potentially have that again. He could go back, be who he had always been.
Two, Valerie. He’d never thought he wanted a mate. Or at the very least, never thought he’d have a mate. He could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. Or at least, as much of a life as he had left outside of jail. She was smart, funny, beautiful, passionate. He didn’t know if she would give him a chance…
And there came another two possibilities. One, do as Philip suggested and go back to Valerie, hash this thing out and put it all on the line. Tell her he wanted her and then leave it to her. Let her make the decision about whether or not they pursued this… if they could pursue it. And then, the second option. In which he wrote Valerie off, never called or spoke to her again and left it at that. Let her deal with the media fallout and whatever else there was to deal with.
Sell the blasted ring to a pawn shop and go back to jail to live out the rest of his miserable life.
Kavan sighed. What was he going to do?
***
The night dragged on. Valerie kept thinking that maybe Kavan would call her, let her know that he was alright at least. As hours ticked by with no word, she logged onto the dating agency app that had first set them up. He might have left his cellphone behind, but with any luck, he could have a computer and would sign in. Maybe he’d leave a message. She even sent him one, asking for him to at least let her know if he’d found a place for the night.
Dawn came and there was still no word. Her nerves were frayed and on edge. She was on the verge of calling the police just to find him when there was a knock on her bedroom door.
Relief rushed through her. She didn’t even bother throwing on a housecoat before she rushed to the door. She threw it open, Kavan’s name already on her lips.
But it wasn’t Kavan at all.
Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped as Carl Lancaster smiled at her. She backed up a step, suddenly very aware of the low cut of her nightgown. She draped one arm across her chest, hiding her cleavage while she tried to think of something she could use as a weapon. For the first time, she wished that she had a gun somewhere in her house… Although, if she was honest, she probably wouldn’t have time to get it even if she had one.
“What are you doing here?” she gasped out.
Lancaster stepped toward her, forcing her back another step and two huge, burly men stepped up behind him. Valerie’s stomach dropped to her toes and bile rose in her stomach. Why had he brought them with him?
“I trust that Kavan’s not home?”
Ice filled her veins. “What did you do to him?”
Lancaster’s brows rose. “I haven’t done anything to him. Why would I? Have you… have you two had a fight? Oh, dear dear. And you make such a lovely couple…” He let out a heavy sigh. “But I suppose, if he’s not here then I didn’t have to bring them.” He gestured vaguely toward the men behind him. “Which is just as well. I had hoped that this wouldn’t become ugly. If Kavan isn’t here, then there is no need to restrain him. That will make things much easier.”
He stepped forward again and Valerie backed up. “Stay away from me!”
“Oh. Oh, dear. I see that an unfortunate misunderstanding has happened.” Lancaster smirked, showing that he thought nothing unfortunate about her assumption. “You misunderstand me. I merely want you to come with me.”
“I’m not in the mood to be kidnapped.”
“Kidnapped!” Lancaster put a hand over his heart. “My dear, dear Judge Gilson. I have no intention of kidnapping you. No intention at all.”
“Where to? The docks?”
Lancaster sighed. “I am not going to kill you, either, since that is what you seem to be afraid of now. No. I have no intention of harming you in any way. Now, please. Get dressed and meet me outside.”
He turned on his heel and walked away, whistling pleasantly. One of the burly men leered at her, his eyes dropping t
o her breasts, but the other one smacked his shoulder and all but dragged him away. Valerie watched them go. If she phoned 911, would it make a difference? They were already here. She didn’t know where Lancaster intended to take her.
They’d know that I had been taken, though.
But when she turned to look for her phone, she couldn’t find it. There were, however, dirty paw prints on the bedspread and the window was open. A raccoon, she guessed. Lancaster must have sent one of his men in through the window to steal her phone while all of her attention was on him. She bit back a curse, hurrying to close and lock the window.
It was only a matter of time before Lancaster grew bored of waiting for her and she didn’t know who else might be out there, watching. So, rather than attempt to run and risk getting killed, she decided to see what it was he wanted from her. She dressed, taking care to put on extra layers just in case and headed out.
Lancaster waited for her beside his car. It was a sleek black limo, with tinted windows which were rolled down. He smiled and opened the door for her, gesturing her in. Valerie eyed him warily and then stepped closer.
“And where are you taking me?”
“To your workplace.”
Valerie’s eyes widened. What? He broke into her house to give her a ride to work? She hesitated and then understood. It was all starting to make sense now. By making this very public display, he was hurting her. After everything else that had happened, this was the end of her career. Her hands tightened into fists.
“Get in,” Lancaster said, still smiling. “Wouldn’t want you to be late, now would we?”
“You’ve decided to destroy my career after all. I can’t get your son out of jail if I’ve been fired.”
“I have a feeling you can’t do that, anyway. So much time has gone by. So much time. And what have you done? Nothing. You’ve waffled around and had fake engagements to try to save your career…”
His smile widened as she flinched. So Kavan had told Lancaster that much at least. Her cheeks burned with humiliation, but she didn’t respond to his jibe. Lancaster gestured once more to the car and this time she slid in. What else could she do, really? After last night, she had decided that it wasn’t so bad to lose her career now… She felt like she had lost something much, much more valuable.
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