by T. K. Leigh
“Jessie…” Asher steps toward him, his hands clasped in front of his chest, pleading. “We never meant to hurt you.”
“Bullshit. Bull. Shit. You can’t say that. You did intend to hurt me. The second you two started whatever you call this fucked-up situation, you knew the consequences. Yet you didn’t care.”
“It’s not like that,” he argues, but doesn’t raise his voice. “I’ll admit we hooked up last year in Vegas but we walked away from each other because we knew what pursuing anything would do to you.”
Jessie blinks, processing this additional information. When he speaks again, his words are low. “It was the morning after the blackout, wasn’t it? That’s why you acted so weird, so off, right?”
Asher’s Adam’s apple bobs up and down. That’s all Jessie needs to know the truth. “Like I said, we walked away with no intention of seeing each other again. Then she came to Grams’ lake house with you…” He shakes his head. “I know you don’t believe in such notions, but I knew fate had brought her back to me, giving us another chance. Why else would she keep walking into my life if there weren’t some other reason?”
“Is that how it works? You run into a girl a few times, call it fate, and that makes it okay to fuck her?”
“I love her.”
“Oh god…” He briefly closes his eyes, the agony in his voice causing tears to spill over my eyelids. “Do you seriously think that makes this any better? That I’ll suddenly be okay with this because… Oh, great! You’re not just fucking the woman I wanted to marry, but you love her?” He bites on his fist in an attempt to control his emotions. Then he looks between us, drawing in a shaky breath. “I hope you two will be very happy.” He pushes past us, hurrying down the stairs.
“Jessie, please,” Asher calls after him. “Let’s talk about this. Just… Just hear me out. Please.”
To my surprise, he pauses, facing forward for several excruciatingly long seconds before turning. His disgusted eyes look from Asher, to me, then back again. “Actually, that’s a great idea.”
“It is?” Asher tilts his head, taken aback.
“Let’s put it all out there. I’ll start.”
“You’ll start?”
“Yes. It’s only fair.” His voice is chilling as he slowly makes his way back up the stairs. “After all, if you’re going to be honest with me, I should tell you about something I’ve been keeping from you. Something Izzy’s involved in.”
I furrow my brow, wracking my brain for what he could be talking about. I’ve barely spoken more than a few words to Jessie over the past few months. The last real conversation I had with him was when he’d called for a status update on the album.
Then it hits me. The album. Our agreement.
The money.
“Jessie…” It’s all I can manage, my pulse skyrocketing, a scorching heat covering me, sweat beading on my nape.
“What are you talking about?” Cautiously, Asher steps away from me, floating his gaze between Jessie and me, waiting for one of us to explain. If I only knew how to formulate the words.
“She didn’t tell you?” Jessie’s statement is biting in its malice.
“Tell me what?”
“The reason she came to Grams’ lake house. It wasn’t fate that brought her there. It was me,” he hisses, pointing to himself. “I called her a few weeks earlier and asked for her help with a little…problem.”
I stand mute, unable to find any words at this crucial moment. Instead of defending myself, I watch the train I’m on race closer and closer to the cliff.
“What was the problem?” Asher asks timidly, but he probably already knows. He increases the distance between us, crossing his arms over his chest.
“What do you think? You were blocked. I needed to do something so you’d hit your studio date. Talked with Grams about it. She suggested you come up to the lake house in the hopes it would inspire you. But she also suggested inviting Izzy. I hadn’t spoken to her in nearly a decade. At the time, I didn’t think you had, either. I thought I was lucky she even picked up the phone.”
“So?” Asher shrugs. “You asked her to come help. She did.”
“Do you want to know the only reason she did come help?”
I pull my lips between my teeth to stop my chin from quivering.
“Because I paid her to.” Jessie leans into Asher, eyes wild, muscles tense. “Two points on an album, on one of your albums, is a lot of fucking money. But I knew she wouldn’t see that money for several months, possibly not at all, so as an incentive, I told her she’d get a twenty grand bonus if you had songs for an album before your next studio date. Told her to do whatever it took.” He turns his bitter eyes to me. “I just didn’t think she’d take that to mean she should fuck you.”
Tears stream down my face as I reach for Asher, hoping he’ll be rational enough to know none of this matters. But he steps away, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in a hard swallow. I’ve never seen him look at me this way. With such repugnance, such spite, such pure hatred.
“Is it true?” he chokes out, stance wide, eyes bulging.
“Asher, please—”
He holds up a hand, and I fall silent. “Is. It. True?” This time, his words come out louder, his expression imploring me to tell him the truth. But I still struggle, knowing once I do, that may very well be the death knell in our relationship. “It’s a simple question. If Jessie hadn’t paid you, would you have come to the lake house? Yes. Or. No?”
I lower my head, my voice barely more than a whisper. “No.”
I can’t bear to look at his reaction, but I can feel his anguish deep down in my bones. When I’d told Nora about the money, she warned me to tell him, especially once we got back together. I planned on it. I never expected this to happen, although in hindsight, I should have known Jessie would try to hurt me like I hurt him. An eye for an eye. A heart for a heart. That’s how he operates.
“That night you finally came to me… Did you only do so because of the bonus? Because you saw the clock ticking and needed to do something to hurry me along?”
I rip my eyes up to his, shaking my head. “No,” I answer vehemently. “Absolutely not. I came to you because I wanted to be with you. Because I love you. Because I finally realized you possessed every last piece of my heart. For the longest time, I thought Jessie kept a piece. But he didn’t. You did. You always have. Our souls are connected. That’s why we’ve always worked, why we feel like we’ve known each other so much longer than we have. Because there’s something tethering us to each other. Because we’re meant to be together. Please… You have to believe me.”
It’s silent as my confession rings between us. Then he pinches the bridge of his nose. “How can I?” He brings his eyes to mine as his glare hardens. “I don’t know what’s real, what’s not.”
“Asher, please,” I beg frantically, desperation taking over. “You know me. You know how I feel about you.”
“Do I?” he shoots back. “How do I know what you told me was true? How do I know anything you’ve told me is true? You could have just said it all to make sure I released my goddamn album on time.” He bites his lower lip, his muscles quivering. “It was all a fucking lie, wasn’t it? No wonder you didn’t show up at the bar like you promised. You’d gotten paid. I’d recorded the album. No need to continue the charade, right?”
“That’s not true.” I rush toward him, but he avoids my touch. I’ve never been so desperate to feel another person’s skin as I am now. “I’ve always loved you, Asher.”
He stares at me, his reddened eyes narrowed into slits. “People who love each other don’t hurt each other. Not like this.”
I shake my head, struggling to say anything that will prove my feelings for him run deeper than this arrangement. That I loved him before that. That I’ve loved him for years.
“You’re the reason I broke off my engagement with Jessie,” I blurt out, the words leaving my mouth before I can stop them. The entire house is still as my
voice seems to echo around me.
I slowly shift my eyes toward Jessie, meeting the anguished and shocked expression on his face. I wish I could make it hurt less, but he deserves the truth. They both do.
“It’s why I gave him back the ring.” I turn my attention back to Asher. “Not because he brought Candace home with him. I didn’t care about that. I’d already realized why I had to leave him. Even if he hadn’t brought her home, I had to walk away. Do you know why?”
I approach Asher. This time, he doesn’t retreat. Simply stares down at me in silence.
“Because I loved you. Even back then. I couldn’t stay with Jessie knowing you possessed a piece of my heart. At the time, I convinced myself I had no choice but to walk away from you, too. Convinced myself you’d never choose me over Jessie. When we saw each other again in Vegas, I wondered if maybe our story wasn’t over yet. If we could finally have the chance we both deserved. But then Jessie showed up, and I got scared. Not of being caught, but because of how strongly I felt toward you. Just like when I left all those years ago.” Relentless tears fall from my eyes, obscuring my vision, as I beg for Asher to believe me, to trust me, to choose me.
I wipe my cheeks. “Okay? That’s the truth. The only truth I know. That I love you. That I’m absolutely petrified of the way I feel about you. That I know there will never be anyone who possesses every last part of me like you do. Like you always will.”
My chest heaves as I stand before him, pleading for him to understand, to realize any agreement I made with Jessie doesn’t matter. That the only thing that does is this once-in-a-lifetime love we’ve miraculously found in one another.
“If that’s true, why didn’t you tell me when I shared my truth about that night?” He pulls his lips between his teeth, shaking his head. “This is just too little, too late. One final act of desperation.” He lifts his eyes to mine, not a single hint of emotion within. “You know where the door is.”
His words are a knife to my already ruptured heart. I don’t know how I’d feel if the shoe were on the other foot. If I’d learned I’d fallen in love with someone who was only with me in the beginning because he’d been paid to be there. I’d probably question whether any of it was real, too.
“Is this want you want? To throw away everything we have?”
“There’s nothing to throw away. Apparently, there never was.”
His shoulders slumping, he turns toward the stairs leading toward the bedrooms, pushing past Jessie, who looks on with sadness, the self-satisfied smirk he wore minutes ago gone. It’s almost as if he’s realized exactly what he’s done.
I want to go after Asher, shake some sense into him, force him to see the truth behind the lies. But I have nothing left. I’m drained. Defeated. Shattered.
I shuffle down the stairs, then glance over my shoulder as he’s about to disappear from view. “I’m sorry I broke you.”
He pauses, not moving for several long seconds. Then I make out his faint voice. “You don’t get to take credit for that. I broke myself when I made the mistake of believing in something that isn’t real.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
“Are you sure about this?” Nora asks as she grabs the roll of packing tape and slides it across the top of a box labeled kitchen, sealing it. She adds it to a stack that’s begun accumulating over the past week. “I told you that you can stay with me. The other girls have offered, too.”
I stand from where I’ve been wrapping up various framed photos and other keepsakes. Dusting off my shorts, I use my arm to swipe away a few beads of sweat from my brow, then make my way toward her. “And I appreciate that.” I place my hand over hers. “It means a lot. But I think getting out of the city for a while is exactly what I need. What was it you said at that blues club?”
I force a smile to hide the pain from the memory of the night that changed everything, as I’ve done so often these past several weeks whenever anyone asks how I’m holding up. At this point, my responses are second nature, having repeated them so many times. But anyone can hear the lack of conviction in my voice when I say I’m fine. That it doesn’t matter. That when you think about it, Asher and I were only together a few weeks, even if our hearts have belonged to each other much longer. I’ll move on. I have to.
“That I need to learn to fall in love with myself before I can fall in love with another person,” Nora recites with a sigh.
“So that’s what I’m doing. I need to learn to love myself again. And I don’t think I can do that in this city.” I move past her, wrapping a wine glass in bubble wrap, then inserting it into a box of glassware. “Plus, I got a new job in the pediatric oncology unit at the hospital in Stamford. There’s no reason for me to commute. My parents live the next town over. It just…works.”
“You’re really okay moving back in with your parents?”
“It’s not permanent. Just long enough for me to get back on my feet.”
“You wouldn’t have to if you keep the money from the album,” Nora sings as she edges in beside me, wrapping my dishes, then placing them in another box.
“You know why I can’t do that,” I remind her in a low voice.
“I know.” She gives me a sad smile. “I’m just going to miss having you in the city.”
“Like I told Chloe and Evie, I’ll have Sundays and Mondays off. We can meet for brunch every Sunday. You’re all making it sound like I’m moving to the opposite part of the world. I’m not. I’m going to Greenwich.”
“That place is a different part of the world,” she mutters.
“It’s… What? An hour by train? I’m barely over the state line. It’s not a big deal. I just…” I set a wine glass on the counter, drawing in a breath. “I need to leave this place. Need to go somewhere else. I can’t be here anymore.” I lift my pleading eyes to her, a heaviness in my chest, an ache in my heart.
She runs her hands down my arms, her soft expression full of sympathy. “I get it. Doesn’t mean I’ll miss you any less.” She pulls me against her, hugging me tightly.
“I’ll miss you, too,” I manage to say, struggling to keep my tears from spilling over. I knew this move would be draining on my already overwrought emotions. I didn’t realize it would be this difficult.
I faintly make out the sound of the door opening and closing, then two additional pairs of arms surround us.
“We need in on this, too,” Chloe says.
“Think if I keep my arms around Izzy she won’t leave?” Evie quips after a few seconds.
“Maybe,” Nora responds. “You can try it.”
“No, you can’t,” I answer. “You guys will never last.”
“How do you know?” Evie asks.
“All your bladders are tiny. I swear, you three pee every few minutes. I guarantee Chloe already needs to.”
I sense her shift on her feet. “Now that you mention it…” There’s a pause, then Chloe drops her hold. “Okay. You win. I really have to pee.”
We all break apart, laughing, watching as she makes a mad dash to the bathroom.
When she returns a minute later, I nod at a small gift bag on the kitchen counter. “What’s that?”
“A little house-chilling gift,” Evie responds.
“House…chilling?” I cross my arms over my chest, a single brow arched.
“You get a house-warming gift when you move in to a new place. We decided to get you a few things you might find useful now that you’ll be living with your parents.”
I pinch my lips together, observing my friends’ amused expressions. I’ll probably regret this, but I reach for the bag and shift through the tissue paper, pulling out a small box. “Ear plugs?”
Chloe shrugs. “I’ve seen the way your dad looks at your mom. Trust me. You’ll need those.”
“Oh, my god! Those are my parents!” I toss the box onto the counter as if it holds some infectious disease. “I’m scared to see what else is in here.”
“You should be,” Evie states.
“Bu
t I’m also curious.” Reaching in, I pull out a hardcover book. “The Complete Grimm Brothers Fairy Tales?”
Nora giggles. “Look inside.”
I crack open the cover, then slam it shut when I catch a glimpse of what’s hidden within the pages.
“You can’t leave sex toys out in the open anymore,” Evie explains. “No one would ever open a book looking for your private things.”
“My parents won’t be treating me like a teenager. I doubt they’ll snoop through any of my stuff.” I wave the book with the vibrator hiding inside. “But this certainly gives new meaning to a fairy-tale ending.”
Our giggles echo against the empty walls of my once lived-in apartment. Then I pull the final item out of the bag. It seems innocent enough. But I know my friends. There’s no way this is just a t-shirt. Unfolding it, I read the bold text and roll my eyes.
With a smirk, I hold it up to my body. “I still live with my parents?”
“I had to have them make it special,” Chloe explains. “It normally only comes in baby and toddler sizes.”
“Great. Way to make me feel good about this.”
She winks. “You know I love you.”
“I know.”
She faces me, grasps my shoulders, and holds me at arm’s length. “Do you really think this is the right move? You don’t think—”
“What? That Asher will change his mind?”
“You never know. This is about the same amount of time it took Lincoln to come around after I pushed him away.”
“That’s different,” I argue.
“Not really. I pretended I didn’t love him to push him away. Same thing Asher did to you.”
“There’s no pretending. I hurt him.”
I spin on my heels, heading in search of the package I received yesterday. When I find it by my bed, I bring it back to the kitchen and dump the contents onto the counter.
“Pretty sure this is all the evidence I need that Asher wants nothing to do with me.”
“What is this?” Nora asks, picking up one of the folded pieces of paper, examining it with her scrupulous gaze.
