by Kaira Rouda
She saw Josh’s smile flatten. “It’s great. I go on auditions and call-backs all week it seems, but I don’t book any jobs. We’re almost at the end of pilot season, again, and nothing. I trained hard, took classes from all the right acting coaches. I have a brand. I’m SAG/AFTRA. But I can’t book a stupid cereal commercial,” he said as his hand covered his mouth. “Oh, god, please don’t repeat that to anyone. Shit.”
“I won’t,” Madison said and started walking towards the ocean.
“I know, I always could trust you,” Josh said matching her pace as they weaved in and out of the crowd thickening as sunset drew near.
“Wish I could say the same about you,” Madison said, before impulsively reaching for his hand and pulling him behind her down the ramp to the beach. She didn’t know why, but she wanted to watch this sunset, one last sunset with Josh, no matter their past. The rock formations had taken on a purple hue as they reached the warm, soft sand. Madison had tried to drop his hand, but he had held on, squeezing it tight. It felt good, but it was wrong.
“Remember our picnic? The one they filmed when I forgot the beach blanket and you and I had to sit on my shirt? And those stupid microphone power packs were huge and awkward, especially with you in that white bikini,” Josh said as Madison dropped to her knees in the sand. She felt her face flush remembering the bikini. That was probably one of the last times she’d worn it, she realized, one of the last times it fit. She lifted a handful of sand and watched as it sifted through her fingers.
“It was a great night, especially when the sun set and they hadn’t brought lights,” Madison said, smiling at the memory. The darkness had forced a wrap, for the camera crew. Madison and Josh had stayed on the Diver’s Cove beach, making out for another hour. The picnic had been in the middle of season one, their junior year, when Madison thought they’d be together forever, when she still believed in him and what they’d had. Nothing bad had happened yet, and she had just joined the cast. It was her “introductory” scene.
“You were a hit the moment the cameras showed your face,” Josh said quietly. “You have that star quality that I seem to be lacking. I need action vehicles, they keep telling me. Bullshit.”
Madison looked at the man next to her and, for a moment, saw the lonely, vulnerable surfer boy she’d fallen in love with all those years ago. The boy who was his wealthy family’s outcast because he wouldn’t follow his dad’s dreams, but instead was following his own. Her heart ached for him like it had all those years ago. But then, he pulled on his sunglasses and straightened his shoulders, flexing his well-toned biceps, and she watched the hard shell return.
“Don’t worry though, I’m going to prove them wrong. This stupid comeback is just a first step. I’m not a travel show host. I’m a well-trained actor, with lots of experience,” he said, brushing his hands together as the sun sank to touch the ocean. “And, I’m back sitting on the beach beside my first true love. What could be better than this?”
Madison thought of a lot of things that could be better than this. Sharing a sunset with a man who was true and faithful, one who wouldn’t be scared off by her past, one who hadn’t created the past she was hiding from in the first place. All of those scenarios would be preferable. She stood up, brushing the sand from her dress as a smattering of applause worked its way through the tourists on the beach. The sunset had been a spectacular show, she realized, but it was time to go home. Her mom would wonder where she was.
“I’ve got to go, Josh,” she said as he stood next to her. She could feel his breath on the side of her face as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She kept her own hands at her side even though she could feel her own heart melting, her resolve slipping.
“Come have dinner with me,” he said softly, whispering in her right ear as his hand brushed her hair away from her eyes. A chill ran down her spine and her heart was beating wildly. “I’m not who you think I am, Holls. I never was that guy. They made me him, for the show.”
Josh pulled her closer, wrapping his strong arms around her. He stared into her eyes and said, “Kiss me.”
“Josh, no,” she said, struggling to pull free. “This is crazy.” But even as she was telling him no, she imagined doing just as he had asked. She licked her lips, her heart beating wildly.
“Kiss me,” he said again, and as the world fell away he brushed his lips against hers and she felt her knees sway. “I’ve missed you,” Josh said, as he deepened the kiss in response to her rogue lips, lips that had parted welcoming his tongue as she heard herself sigh. Her senses were in overload, her center deep inside coming alive. She felt his hands moving up and down her spine, pushing their bodies together, a perfect fit. As his kiss dropped to her neck she felt herself arching her back and a moan escaped her lips. And they’d never had a chance to make love, her heart reminded her, as she felt his erection growing between them. It was going to be special, and then Laura . . . .
Finally her brain kicked in. She couldn’t believe how she’d responded to his touch, how much she wanted him to kiss her. She was losing her mind.
This is Josh Welsh you are kissing, her mind screamed. He humiliated you on national television. Stop this now.
“Josh, we can’t do this,” she said, breaking their kiss and touching her lips with her fingertips even as he still held her tight.
He loosened his grip, his blue eyes were dark. “Yes, we can. Because we’re right together, Holls, made for each other. Always have been. I know you feel what’s going on, too. God you’re beautiful,” he said.
Madison could feel his heart beating in his chest. She looked up into his eyes, wanting to believe in him again, enjoying the warmth of his arms around her, clouding the deeply held anger towards him. But, as much as her body wanted him, and she was still dizzy from their kiss, her mind was racing, playing back every image of Josh and Laura together. He was the ultimate bad boy and that would never change. He’d used her before, she wouldn’t let that happen again. He acted like she was special when it was just the two of them, but she knew the truth.
She shook her head, reaching behind her back, pulling his hands away from her waist, forcing space between them even as Josh leaned toward her, gently brushing his lips against hers, sending sparks through her body again.
“Josh, I have a boyfriend and my mom is expecting me home,” she said, dropping her eyes, focusing on his Adam’s apple. She knew she shouldn’t be using Dolby as an excuse. She hadn’t heard from him since he’d watched episodes four and five, just as she had predicted.
“It’s just dinner, OK? I start working tomorrow, this is our only chance,” he said, his voice quiet, determined. He sounded sincere, and something else. Lonely. Madison’s heart melted just a little more as she tried to stop thinking about their kiss, about his familiar scent and the way he made her body come to life. Madison smiled and stared into his eyes, trying to find a reason to trust him again.
“How is Francine anyway?” he said, even as she knew he felt the same about her mom as her mom did about him, like something you ate that gave you a bad, lasting stomach ache.
“She’s dying. Lung cancer. That’s why I’m home,” Madison said, the discussion of her mom helping tamp down her unruly emotions. It was the unfortunate truth even as it made her swallow hard. Her mom was all she had even as she’d spent most of her childhood embarrassed by her and their poverty. She’d prayed her mom didn’t feel that shame and she’d done everything since to care for her. But still. She looked around and noticed the beach was clearing and they would soon be the only people on the sand. Madison shivered in the darkness even with her jacket on.
“Oh, god, I’m sorry. She never liked me but I respected her, raising you on her own, running her business. My mom said she was the best nail person in Laguna,” Josh said wrapping an arm around her shoulder as they walked together toward the ramp.
“She liked you at first, just thought you were an entitled brat. My mom is scrappy and she raised me to know I could take care of
myself. It’s a gift, especially now that she’s so sick,” Madison said, meeting his eyes.
“I was an entitled brat,” Josh said as they reached the top of the ramp, the resort lighting sparkling in front of them. “And, as always, the constant disappointment. Come on, call your mom and tell her you’ll bring dinner home for her.”
“I can’t eat here, at the resort,” Madison said, and she realized looking down that she was sick of being in her work clothes. “And I need to change.”
Josh pulled her toward him, pressing their bodies together by wrapping his strong arms around her back, reigniting all of the heat inside of her. “Whatever you need to do, I’ll wait. We can go wherever you want.” And then, he lifted her chin and kissed her lips, a soft, tender kiss that took her breath away. She felt her knees buckle and would have stumbled had he not held her tight.
“Ok, I’ll go home and change. Pick me up in an hour?” she said, embarrassed by her own weakness, her deep attraction to this man. This cheater. She needed to be clear, she realized as she pulled away from his embrace. “Josh, it’s just dinner, OK?”
“Sure, Holls, whatever you want,” he said, using his pet name for her and her heart flipped. He reached for her hand, the palm trees above their heads swayed in the starlight. “Give me your cell number?”
Madison smiled and told him the number. He punched it into his phone, and hers lit up with a text from unknown: Excited for tonight. Address?
Madison looked up and met Josh’s smile. She added him into her contacts and typed her address into a text message, added Mom will be so happy to see you and sent it.
Josh laughed at the text. “I’m sure she will be.”
Madison winked and then turned and walked away, up the sidewalk toward the resort’s staff entrance and her car parked in the employee lot. She didn’t turn around to see if he was watching her. She knew he was.
Madison’s heart still was soaring as she pulled her white BMW into the driveway of the iconic 1920’s cottage-style home she had purchased two years ago when she’d moved back to Laguna from London. She’d known she wanted to live in an original Laguna style house and when her real estate agent sent her the link online to a listing in North Laguna, Madison knew it was the one. She made an offer, sight unseen, and did her first walk-through during the inspection. It was as perfect as she’d imagined. As she looked through the original leaded glass windows towards the ocean, she had known she was home.
Tonight, as she pushed open the front door to the main cottage, she was greeted by the well-worn, hardwood floors of the open floor plan living room, dining room and kitchen area. She’d mixed antiques with a shabby chic feel of white slipcovers on everything to make the cottage warm and welcoming. French windows and doors open to all outdoor living spaces, including the ocean view deck and the beautifully landscaped gardens situated between the main cottage and the guest cottage, now permanently occupied by her mom. The second back cottage was decorated in much the same beach style: Dark hardwood floors, white walls, over-stuffed and white-slipcovered furniture. Madison took a deep breath and smiled. With just 2,500 square-feet of living space together, the cottages were a perfect fit and easy to maintain. The outside areas doubled the footprint and the ambience of the historic structures.
She walked to the kitchen and flipped on the lights, enjoying the teal subway tile backsplash that greeted her each day. She dropped her car keys in the bowl, took a quick glance at the mail and then walked to the garden between the two cottages.
“Mom, I’m home,” she said, smiling at the warmth of the lights glowing through the guest cottage’s kitchen window, the open white kitchen shelves proudly displaying Francine’s collection of antique tea and coffee mugs. All in white, of course. Madison knew her mom loved the guest cottage and considered it her home by now. So much better than the dark apartment in the canyon where Madison had been raised.
“Hey honey,” Francine said as Madison walked through the door. “You’re late.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” Madison said, walking to the chair where her mom sat, wrapped in a thick cotton blanket, drinking tea and reading, always reading these days. Madison smiled.
“Are you hungry? I managed to make myself a pretty nice salad. Some leftovers are in the refrigerator,” Francine said. Madison thought her mom looked more frail today than yesterday. It was as if she was fading away and would soon just disappear before Madison’s eyes.
“Did you eat enough, Mom?” she asked, sitting down on the ottoman at her mom’s feet. “I’m worried about you.”
“Honey, I’m dying so there’s nothing to be worried about. Nothing left to be done,” Francine said. It was a matter-of-fact conversation, one they had almost daily. They’d exhausted all of the treatment options over the past two years since the diagnosis. There was nothing more to do according to the doctors. Francine’s light blue eyes twinkled in the glow of the lamplight. “I’m fine with the Lord, with His plan.”
Madison stood and turned toward the fireplace, hoping her mom didn’t catch the sadness in her eyes, or the anger. Madison was not fine with this plan, not at all. But at the moment, she knew, she needed to get ready. Josh would arrive soon.
“Well, ok, I’ll see you in the morning then. I don’t want you to wait up,” Madison said, kissing her mom’s cheek again.
“Madison Holly Alcott, you are hiding something from me,” Francine said, somehow sounding commanding while buried deeply in her blankets.
“No, Mom. I’m just grabbing dinner with an old friend. From the show,” Madison said. “And he’ll be here any minute so I need to go change.”
“Josh’s in town,” she said, and Madison heard a statement of fact, not a question.
“Yes, he is. How did you know?”
“It’s all over Facebook, dear. You know I don’t approve of him. I never have,” Francine said.
“I do know that, and that’s why you should know it’s only dinner. I need to go change,” Madison said, hurrying out to the garden before her mom could say anything more. She’d barely changed into her favorite jeans and a soft white cashmere sweater and was pulling on her favorite boots when the doorbell rang. She quickly ran a brush through her long blonde hair, glanced at herself in the mirror and hurried to answer the door.
She took a deep breath to calm herself down, pulled the door open to reveal a smiling Josh, standing on the doorstep with a huge bouquet of bright pink Gerbera daisies wrapped in brown paper in his arms.
Josh was a nervous wreck. His palms were sweating and he was almost positive his arms were shaking as he held the flowers, Holly’s favorites. When she opened the door, she looked gorgeous - her blonde hair shining and her dark blue eyes flashing like starlight. She wore jeans and a white sweater, which was perfect for the restaurant he’d picked out and actually, it was perfect for anyplace in Laguna Beach with its crazy casual dress code. Josh preferred LA and New York, where people dressed for dinner like he had in his black designer pants, crisp white linen dress shirt and black leather jacket. He’d tried to lean casually against the doorframe, striking a pose to calm himself before knocking. It hadn’t worked, so he had knocked quickly, hoping it would be Holly who answered the door and not her mom. Her smiling face had been a welcome sight, but he was still on edge.
“Nice place you have here,” he said looking past her and into her cozy cottage. The setting suited her perfectly: Light, airy and full of warmth and taste. “I always knew you’d be a success.”
“Yes, you did always say that despite my family’s status here. Took me awhile to believe it. Come in,” she said, and taking the flowers added, “They’re beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful, Holly,” he said, before he could control himself.
From the corner of the cottage a familiar voice said, “She goes by Madison now.”
“Mom, he knows,” Madison said sharply as Josh watched her mom, thin and frail and wrapped in a blanket, slowly cross the room towards them. Her hair had turned white
but her light blue eyes still pierced his soul.
“I do know better and I apologize. Old habit. Nice to see you Mrs. Alcott,” he said, now realizing part of his nerves had been caused by this potential encounter. He kissed her cold cheek by way of greeting.
“You haven’t changed a bit, have you?” Francine said. He could feel her disdain throbbing in the air between them. “I don’t approve of this dinner, but Madison is a grown woman. Just have her home at a reasonable time.”
“Of course. And I have changed,” Josh said to her small, retreating frame. He thought he heard her say, “Right.” But he wasn’t sure.
Madison walked away from the confrontation and arranged the flowers in a large white ceramic vase. She looked beautiful and embarrassed, her cheeks flushing. “Sorry,” she said.
“No worries,” he said. “She’s entitled to her opinion of me, even if I wish it were different. Ready?” And she nodded and followed him out of the cottage and into the star-filled night. Waiting at the bottom of the front walk was the limo driver Josh had hired for the night. He tipped his hat and opened the back door as Madison shook her head and slid inside.
“We don’t need a limo in Laguna,” she said as he climbed in.
“Sure we do,” he said as the driver pulled from the curb and headed the short distance to the main village. Forest Avenue was crowded with tourists and locals out for dinner on a Friday night. The staff at the Mondrian had pulled strings to get him a table at his once-favorite restaurant, Alana, an Italian bistro on Forest Avenue. Famous back in the day for being one of the favorite Laguna Nights taping locations, it was special because it was where he’d taken Madison for their first date, long before she had joined the show. It was over dinner at this restaurant that Josh had talked her into joining the cast, a decision he knew she regretted every day since. The limo stopped in the center of the busy one-way street and the driver hopped out and opened Madison’s door. Behind them, somebody driving a black sedan blared the horn.
