by Jim Benton
Angeline tried to spoil my fantasy by offering
me something from her lunch, but I didn’t take it.
We cutely unfortunate girls are too proud to accept
charity and we don’t really like raisins. I mean, if
one day down at the raisin factory they accidentally
dropped a bunch of dehydrated warts in your
raisins, would you be able to tell?
63
FRIDAY 13
Dear Dumb Diary,
I got the first “BAND” applications today.
I’m not telling these people that they’re applying
for the position of Fourth Friend, because I
don’t want any of them to be too disappointed
when they don’t get the job. Pretty friendly of
me, right?
I spoke with the following three applicants
at lunch. They were all breezy and chummy, but
I felt like I should keep the atmosphere more
official. After all, I’m selecting what will probably
be a lifelong friend here, so I need to ask a few
important questions.
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Applicant’s name: Margaret
First Impression: Margaret is nice, but not that
interesting. She is like a half slice of toast with a
small amount of diet jelly on it.
Known Weirdnesses: Margaret is a pencil
chewer and is, therefore, beaverish.
“Why do you think you’d be right for
this position?” Margaret removed the pencil
from her mouth long enough to respond: “You know
what — forget it. I don’t want to be in your band.”
Interviewer notes: I’m a bit concerned that
pencils are a gateway chew toy that could lead
to more dangerous chew toys like the fingers
of bandmates. For this reason, as well as the
beaverishness, this application is: REJECTED.
65
Applicant’s name: Elizabeth
First Impression: Elizabeth is politely not
pretty — even less pretty than Isabella — which I
find friendly.
Known Weirdnesses: Spittish. Once I saw
Elizabeth sneeze in front of a window, and the spit mist
was so extreme that I saw a rainbow in her spew cloud.
“Why do you think you’d be right for
this position?” Elizabeth responded, “I’d like
to hang around with Angeline. She’s in the band,
too, right?”
Interviewer notes: Of all the ways to have
the name Elizabeth (Beth, Betsy, Liz, Lizbeth,
Lizzy, Betty, Eliza) she has chosen the least cute
one, and that troubles me. I give her points for her
willingness to be the ugliest girl in the group, but I
don’t want to get all spitted on, plus she seems to
have an unhealthy obsession about Angeline so this
one is also: REJECTED.
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Applicant’s name: Shannon
First Impression: Shannon is small and would
be easy to carry if a Shannon-carrying situation
were to arise.
Known Weirdnesses: Shannon once swallowed
a pretzel incorrectly at a water park and has
tragically lost the ability to burp.
“Why do you think you’d be right for
this position?” Shannon’s response: “I’m really
reliable and small, which makes me easy to carry.”
Interviewer notes: Shannon keeps herself
very clean, and I really can’t stress how much I
admire the fact that she is small. But I’m worried
that the digestive system of a person incapable of
discharging gas through her mouth might have to
compensate in other ways, and for that reason I
must mark this application: REJECTED.
Wow. Three whole applications, and not one
lifelong friend in the bunch. Making new friends is
hard. How can you tell which ones will always be
there for you, doing what you tell them, and giving
you junk?
I think maybe tomorrow I’m going to have to
really take a look at what friendship means. Maybe
if I dig down deep and meditate on it, TV will give
me the answer.
67
68
Saturday 14
Dear Dumb Diary,
Okay, brace yourself. TV may not be an
expert on every thing. This came as quite a
blow to me, because TV always seems so confident.
On the subject of friendship, for instance, there are
a lot of issues.
1. On television, friends often get mad
at each other and then are friends again
within 22 minutes or so. In the real world, it
generally takes about that long just to figure
out how you’re going to get even with
somebody.
2.
TV-mad
isn’t like
real-world-mad
.
On TV, people throw pies at each other when
they get angry. If Isabella gets mad, she’s not
going to throw a pie. She’s going to throw the
baker at you.
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3. On TV, groups of people are friends
for a reason. Like, there’s a smart one, and
a pretty one, and a sporty one, and a scary
one. Are we supposed to be choosing our
friends based on some reason? I hope not.
I spent more time picking out my socks this
morning than I did picking out Isabella.
Even when the group of friends is made
up of animal characters, they’re all different.
It’s like, one is a lion, one is an ostrich, one is a
zebra, and one is an antelope. In the wild, a group
like this wouldn’t be thought of as a group of
friends. This would be thought of as a lion and his
talking lunch.
My conclusion is this: TV is a very
simpleminded device. It specializes largely in cola
commercials and people throwing balls. Evidently,
it just can’t explain the truly mystifying things
in the world, like why Grandpa wears his pants up
under his armpits, or how friendships work.
70
Sunday 15
Dear Dumb Diary,
This morning, I called Isabella to come over
and pretend to do homework, as we often do on
Sundays, but she wasn’t home. I guess I could have
called my Automatic Friend Angeline to see if she
wanted to come over, but I wasn’t feeling THAT
automatic.
It worked out okay, anyway. I made today
an Art Day. I started my final piece for the Art
Show today, and I think it may turn out to be the
greatest art that has ever been made
by a human girl.
I’m going to use sequins, rhinestones, and
glitter, which is pretty much the first thing an artist
needs when they are going to commit art.
71
I began my relationship with glitter pretty
early in life. Although, back then, I was using cereal
for glitter and slobber for glue. And for paper I used
my face. And it was accidental. But all of the same
principles apply.
(Note to future Jamie: If your baby is all
sticky and grimy, just roll him in glitter. It will stick
like glue and your baby will instantl
y be the envy of
all the other moms with unsparkly children.)
72
In second grade, I tried to teach Isabella how
to do glitter and she couldn’t quite understand the
concept of wanting to make something prettier.
I remember she kept asking things like,“Will dis
make it more explodey?”
In third grade, she taught me how to buy
things and make it look like your mean older
brothers did it. She just kept track of the things
her brothers asked her mom for. If her mom said
no, Isabella would order those things online. That
made it look like her brothers had done it, and it
would get them grounded for months and months.
So cute!
I wish she had come over today.
73
Monday 16
Dear Dumb Diary,
So in math today, guess who actually
answered a question correctly. That’s
right: ISABELLA. Nothing written on her hand, no
Jamie whispering to her. She Just Answered.
Now, normally I would assume that it was
a lucky guess. Or it was a typical ISABELLA-
ANSWER, like when in social studies they asked
her how many pharaohs had been mummified in
ancient Egypt and Isabella answered, “All of ’em.”
74
But math doesn’t work well with guesses or
Isabella-answers. So how did Isabella pull this off?
It was a real puzzle until I noticed, dangling from
between the pages of her math book like a guilty
bookmark, a two-foot-long blond hair.
It was obvious.
Angeline and Isabella studied
together. ON SUNDAY. A day, which I think most
people would admit, is MY PRIVATE PROPERTY
for studying on with Isabella. Pretending to study
on Sunday is a tradition that goes back with
Isabella and me for AN ENTIRE GENERATION,
so far.
I brought it up casually at Isabella’s locker.
“Nice job on the math today,” I said, laying a
clever trap for her.
“Angeline came over to my house yesterday
and helped me study,” she said, not giving me cause
to cleverly trap her any further.
“I called you to come over and study. But
there was no answer,” I said.
Isabella said nothing. She blinked a couple
times, and breathed, but she didn’t apologize —
and this would have been the perfect time. I know
that if she fails math she’ll have to take summer
school, and when she comes over to study at my
house we never get anything done. Still. If she
won’t apologize for studying with
Angeline, maybe
she should at least apologize for being dumb
at math.
I’m just saying that I think somebody owes
me an apology. Maybe several people do. Maybe the
Universe does.
75
76
This new scandal makes it clear that I’m
getting edged out of this three- way friendship
even faster than I thought. But I can’t go all mental
about it. It’s not like I
own
Isabella.
Or do I ?
I do call her MY friend, the same way I call
them MY socks or MY infection. Nobody would ever
suggest that the infection belongs to itself.
So maybe I do kind of own her.
I just have to speed up the Friend Application
process, that’s all there is to it. I have to acquire
that fourth friend to distract
Angeline so I can have
my best friend back. I’m not going to let my BFF
turn into a BFIL. (That’s Best Friend I Lost.) No,
instead, I’m going to stay up late and make some
more “JOIN OUR BAND” flyers.
Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a
glittery night.
77
Tuesday 17
Dear Dumb Diary,
NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’
ABOUT. I put up the new, better, sparklier flyers
and I got a better quality of applicant today. Sure,
I was blowing glitter out of my nose all morning, but
with one notable exception, it was worth it. I think
I just might be able to pull the right person out of
this friend herd.
I know that it’s wrong to exclude boys, but
Hudson would have auditioned and then we’d have
the duh- rama of him rediscovering his feelings
for me, and that would drive another wedge
between me and Isabella, and I really can’t let that
happen.
Let’s review, shall we?
78
79
Applicant’s name: Anika
First Impression: Anika is good at fashion
things and prettiness. These qualities could make
her the perfect toy to distract Angeline with.
Known Weirdnesses: Anika has no known
weirdnesses. This concerns me because, as is the
case with all non-weird people , whatever her
weirdnesses are, they are SO weird that she must be
working very hard to keep them hidden.
“Why do you think you’d be right for
this position?” Anika’s response: “I’m a good
singer.”
Interviewer notes: Even though she didn’t sing
her response, I’m willing to believe that Anika is a
good singer, although I suspect that most truly good
singers sing everything they say. She may not be BFF
material, but she could be a BFFN (Best Friend For
Now). I’m going to mark this application: REJECTED.
80
Applicant’s name: Fléurrål Mjångîi- Shmørp.
Or something like that.
First Impression: Fléurrål is foreign, and
therefore exotic. She hasn’t been in our country
long, so she is still interesting.
Known Weirdnesses: One never really knows,
when evaluating someone from far away, what
aspects of their behavior are simply new to you and
what parts are as crazy as an outhouse rat. Fléurrål,
for example, always smells like some kind of turnip
herb soup and wears her hair in braids that look like
the climbing rope in the gym.
81
“Why do you think you’d be right for
this position?” Fléurrål’s response: “Yes. I can
write in this position.” And then to prove it, she
pulled out a notebook and wrote in that position.
She wrote this: HAV A NICE DAY JØMIÉ.
Interviewer notes: I can teach her that my
name is Jamie, not Jømié, so that’s not a huge
problem. Isabella is naturally suspicious of anybody
from another country, so Fléurrål would be all
Angeline’s responsibility. I’m going to mark this
application: MAYBE.
82
Applicant’s name: My Aunt Carol, who
shouldn’t be auditioning.
First Impression: Aunt Carol works here at the
school and only came down to apply because she
saw the flyers. I’m sure she thought she was being
cute.
Known Weirdnesses: Aunt Carol, being my
aunt and married, is
old — which is one of the
weirdest things a person can choose to be.
“Why do you think you’d be right for
this position?” Aunt Carol’s response: (The
interviewer must point out that Aunt Carol tried to
imitate dumb-girl speech and pretended to chew
gum as she responded, which I think was probably
meant as an insult to everybody my age.) “Well, I’ve
known you since you were a baby and I’m super- fun
and I still like you even though you got me kicked
out of a movie for the first time in my life and I’ll
83
look great dancing up onstage with you guys. Want
to see?”
Interviewer notes: At this point, the applicant
stood up and would have danced in front of
everybody except for the fact that I stopped
her and saved myself from extreme embarrassment,
and saved the world from being sickened by Aunt
Dancing. This, plus the fact that Aunt Carol can’t
be in the student Talent Show due to the fact she
is NOT A STUDENT, requires that I mark her
application: REJECTED.
84
Angeline and Isabella wandered over to the
auditions at the end of lunch to find out how
things were going. I told them that we’d had a few
promising auditions today, and that I thought we’d
have that fourth band member soon.
Hudson was circling like a shark, watching us
talk and transmitting crush vibrations in Isabella’s
direction. That’s Isabella’s direction, and not
Angeline’s. I have to keep reminding myself.
I saw Angeline notice Hudson and I think I
might have detected something. Was it a tinge of
disappointment?
It seems like Angeline’s one ability, which is to
be unreasonably pretty, is no longer working
against Hudson. I guess maybe she just doesn’t
have it anymore.
85
Wednesday 18
Dear Dumb Diary,
In art today, Miss Anderson wanted to talk
about all of our portraits from last week —what
