Ty’s older brother had been suspicious of her, to say the least, expecting she’d want money, no doubt, but Jodi had signed all the paperwork he’d asked for, and then she’d given birth at the hospital with Darcy and Ty there, Cade and Lynn waiting in the hallway outside. Darcy’s job was to take care of Jodi. Ty’s was to take the baby.
But before she’d watched him walk out of the room, holding that little bundle in his arms, she’d asked to see her, hold her, just once. He’d looked terrified and hopeful all at the same time as he gingerly placed Katie in her arms. Years later, she came to realize what a mistake that moment had been, but she couldn’t take it back, and wouldn’t want to anyway. She’d stared down at that little face, a nose like Ty’s, eyes that were clearly her own, and she’d known she was doing the right thing. She wasn’t prepared to be a mother, she wasn’t capable of it, but that little face seared itself onto her very soul in that moment, and over the next few years, the absence of Katie’s sweet face became a greater and greater burden to carry.
Jodi Morgan fell in love with her daughter that day. If only she’d realized it sooner.
She gave herself a shake, smoothing her skirt one more time before she swung open the door to the coffee shop. She walked in, pleased she’d judged the time right and arrived during the midmorning lull.
As she approached the counter, she saw Lynn helping a customer with a doughnut order. After she boxed up the dozen that were going to the staff at the Big Sur Market, she handed his change over and lifted her gaze. Jodi saw the very moment recognition made its way to Lynn’s brain. She blinked once, then a smile spread across her face.
“Jodi Morgan,” she cried before coming around the end of the counter with open arms. “My God, child, what are you doing here?”
Jodi walked into Lynn’s embrace, warmth and peace wrapping around her like a blanket. Lynn had been a rock for both her and Ty when they’d discovered the pregnancy. She’d kept Cade calm so he wouldn’t take an inch off Ty’s hide, told them they had all the choices in the world, and supported them in every decision along the way. Lynn was one of many reasons Jodi had felt comfortable with the idea of giving the baby to Ty. She knew Lynn would be the very best kind of surrogate parent.
“It’s so good to see you,” Jodi said as Lynn gave her one last squeeze before releasing her.
Lynn turned to the young woman working behind the counter. “I’ll be out on the deck, Marlene. Bring this one a large coconut milk latte, will you?”
Jodi smiled that Lynn remembered her favorite drink, and let herself be led to the back deck overlooking the beach, the place where only the day before, Ty had told her there was no way in hell he’d allow her to be part of Katie’s life.
As they sat, Lynn grabbed Jodi’s hand and held on. “I’m so happy to see you,” she said warmly. “Tell me what you’re doing here.”
Jodi swallowed. “I saw Ty last night.”
Lynn nodded, waiting.
“I um, I don’t know if I approached him right.” She chuckled bitterly. “In fact, I think I did it all wrong.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Lynn said sympathetically. “I don’t think there is a good way to approach him if you’re here for what I think you are.”
Jodi gave Lynn’s hand a squeeze before releasing it and sitting back in her chair. “I want to find a way…”
“To know Katie,” Lynn finished.
Jodi nodded. “It doesn’t have to be as her mother. I know I’ve given up that chance. But just to know her—maybe as a family friend, maybe I could babysit her sometimes, or go see her school events. Even if she doesn’t ever know I’m there. If I could just watch her from afar… I don’t mean it to sound creepy. I’d always do it with Ty’s knowledge and permission—”
“Slow down, honey,” Lynn said, putting her hand back over Jodi’s. “Take a breath. I’m not going to yell at you—which is what I suspect Ty did.” Jodi nodded, her throat tightening at the memory. “Let’s start from the beginning. Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been doing the last few years. I’d love to hear about it all.”
Jodi swallowed, willed the emotional chaos to settle, and started the story.
“When I left Big Sur, I knew the whole idea of traveling the country for a year was done. Darcy was nice enough to understand, and she took me with her back to her parents’ house in Sedona.”
“You couldn’t go see your mother?” Lynn asked, concern on her face.
Jodi shrugged noncommittally. “Maybe I could have, but she had a new boyfriend—she started dating when I left for college. They’d moved in together, and I didn’t really feel like there was a place for me there, you know?”
Lynn’s lips grew tight, but other than that, she didn’t respond.
“But once I was in Sedona, I had this ache to get back to California. It was all I could think about night and day.” She looked at Lynn and saw the other woman understood immediately. “I didn’t want to admit it to myself then, but of course, it was because of her.”
Jodi took a long breath, remembering those early days after Katie’s birth, the changes in her body as it rebounded from pregnancy, the strange ache that lodged in her chest and never let up. She wasn’t interested in dating. She wasn’t interested in socializing. She’d tried to be the girl she’d been the year before, but she couldn’t pull it off no matter how many times she went with Darcy to clubs, movies, and parties.
“So, I started looking for nursing jobs, and when I found one in San Luis Obispo, I jumped on it.”
Lynn’s eyebrows lifted. “So you’ve been right there this whole time?”
Jodi nodded, shame washing over her. Why hadn’t she come sooner? If she really loved her daughter this much, why had she stayed away? Then she reminded herself of what the therapist had taught her—you can’t change the past, you can only change how you look at it. She could look back and see what a terribly frightened and incomplete human she’d been. She actually had a strong maternal instinct, a good one, because she’d known no matter how much she craved Katie, she wasn’t ready for her yet. Jodi had needed to travel her own path before she was ready to be with Katie. So she’d left her with the very best people, and she’d set out to make herself the woman Katie needed. It had been hard, and it had taken far longer than she would have liked, but it was done. She heard her therapist’s voice in her head: “No guilt for those years, only acceptance they were needed so now you can be your best for Katie.”
“I was,” Jodi said, holding her head a little higher. “I needed to be close, but I wasn’t ready for her. I didn’t want to come here and do this until I was the very best I could be—for her.”
Lynn shifted in her seat, her hand finally drifting away from Jodi’s, her brow furrowing slightly.
“So what’s changed about you that makes you feel you’re ready to be part of her life now?”
Sighing, Jodi struggled to pull forth words to describe a process and a result that were so enmeshed in the very fibers of her character and psyche.
“You know about how I was raised, my mom, all the problems she had. I don’t know that I ever thought about what type of woman I’d be when I was older. I was good enough in school to get into college, and I thought it was somehow the answer to avoiding my mom’s struggles. If I could earn a better living, then my life would be so much easier.
“But I realized once I was pregnant, I really knew nothing about anything other than a being a poor, single, beat-down woman. Getting pregnant by accident at twenty-two was the first step toward that very life, and I couldn’t take it. I also knew even though it happened by accident, it somehow wasn’t. It’s like my own image of myself forced it on me. Like this thing inside me was saying no matter what, this is all you’ll ever be.”
Marlene appeared with Jodi’s latte, and she gratefully took a moment to enjoy the first few sips of warm delight. As always, Lynn sat patiently, peacefully, and waited.
“So I got the job in the hospital in San Luis Obispo, and I set
tled in, thinking I’d be this great career girl, and everything would fall into place.” She shook her head at the memories of how naïve she’d been just five years ago. “But the bad stuff, it didn’t go away. I still struggled. I was sad. I felt like something was missing all the damn time. I tried to fill it with boyfriends. I dated, mostly just dates, but three times, I had longer relationships. When the second guy in a row broke up with me, he said something that hurt me so bad, but I see now was just the truth. He told me I was like a beautiful block of ice. I kept so much of me locked up, frozen somewhere deep inside, no one could ever really know me.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Lynn murmured.
Jodi looked down at her hands where they lay in her lap, shaking her head softly at the memories. “He was right. No one did know me, because I didn’t know me. I still had this image of myself as my mother. I couldn’t seem to get past it, no matter how well I did at my job or how much money I socked away in savings, or how many doctors I dated. I was this empty, desolate woman.
“But you know how they say you have to hit rock bottom? Well, I finally did a year and a half ago. A position opened up in the neonatal ward, and I applied for it.”
Jodi heard the small intake of air as Lynn’s eyes widened for a moment.
“What a cliché, right? How in the world I couldn’t see what was happening, I’ll never know, but I didn’t. I didn’t see I was punishing myself with all those babies every day, and in any other way I could until I got involved with a man who was abusive.”
“Oh God.” Lynn’s whole body went rigid, and then she leaned out of her chair and wrapped her arms around Jodi’s shoulders, squeezing her tight before sitting back.
Jodi gave her a tight smile. “It’s okay. I know now how it happened, and why. And if it’s any comfort, he only hit me once. The emotional abuse I tolerated, but the physical woke me up, and I left immediately. I went to the head of psychiatry at the hospital and told her I needed help, so she checked me in.”
“Oh!”
“It’s not quite like you think. I wasn’t in the psych ward. She checked me into the hospital, called it exhaustion like they do with movie stars, and started me on antidepressants and some really serious therapy.
“I spent the eighteen months getting healthy, learning about the mistakes I’ve made, figuring out who I am and where I want to be.”
“And where is that?” Lynn asked, even though it was all pretty obvious.
“I want to be in Katie’s life. I don’t think she’s going to save me or make me whole. I know that’s all on me, and I feel confident that even if Ty never allows me to see her, I’m going to be fine. But I need to at least try. I need to give it my best shot, and if it isn’t meant to be right now, then I’ll wait. And when she’s grown, I’ll introduce myself and see if she’s interested in knowing me that way.”
The back door to the shop swung open again, and Jodi looked up just in time to see a little girl with white-blonde hair tear out of the building and launch herself onto Lynn’s lap.
“Auntie Lynn!” she cried. “Auntie Nina’s takin’ me to the park before school, and Daddy said we could stop and have a kidspresso too!”
Jodi’s heart lurched as she watched the little girl wiggle on Lynn’s lap, her small hands patting Lynn on the cheeks while she talked. A wave of adrenaline rushed through her so fast and hard, she was shaking in seconds, her vision spotty around the edges.
Katie had her hair and her eyes. The brightest blue, but with thick dark lashes like Ty’s. She could see that, unlike her, Katie wasn’t going to stay blonde. Her brows and the underside of her hair were already darker than Jodi’s. But for now, it was platinum, with wispy curls that settled around her temples and ears.
“I’m so sorry,” a woman said in the periphery of the haze Jodi was in. “I didn’t realize you were meeting with someone.”
Jodi turned to see a perky blonde smiling at her, dressed in jeans and a Big Sur Organics T-shirt, her pregnant belly stretching the cotton fabric.
“I’m Nina, Lynn’s niece,” she said, thrusting out a hand.
Jodi stared for a moment, unable to process what she’d heard. Lynn’s niece. Lynn had only nephews. Three of them, Cade, Ty, and Vaughn.
“Niece?” she asked, gaze darting from Lynn to Nina and back again as she halfheartedly shook Nina’s hand.
“Well, by marriage,” Nina added.
Jodi’s heart plummeted as she watched Katie, and everything she’d hoped for drifted away like dandelion fluff on the wind. She swallowed hard and tried to school her face into some semblance of acceptable grace.
But then, as usual, Lynn stepped in, smoothing it all over as if this weren’t the very most important moment of Jodi’s life playing out like some sort of telenovela.
“Yes, Nina married Cade earlier this year. And I’m so happy to have another woman around the ranch.”
Jodi didn’t realize she’d stopped breathing in those few moments, but the rush of breath and light-headedness that followed told her she’d forgotten to do the most basic thing for a minute.
Nina cocked her head and fixed her with a sharp gaze. “Are you okay?” she asked.
“Oh yes, fine. I should probably get going, though.” She looked at Katie, who was playing with Lynn’s bracelet while she sat on the older woman’s lap. “I don’t want to interrupt your family time.”
“Don’t be silly,” Lynn said, giving Jodi a small shake of her head. “You haven’t been properly introduced to Katie yet.”
“Katie,” Lynn said, setting the little girl off her lap so she faced Jodi’s chair. “This is an old friend of the family, Jodi. And Jodi, this is Katie Sophia.”
Katie smiled at her, her sun-kissed skin glowing in the late-morning light. Her hair was caught up in a braid, but those little baby curls danced around her face and neck. She was dressed to play. No fancy little pinafores for Ty’s daughter, just good solid jeans, a pair of sneakers, and a hot-pink T-shirt with a glittery cow on the front and the words “Big Sur Ranch.”
“Hi, Katie,” Jodi said softly. “It’s so nice to meet you.”
“Hi,” Katie answered, studying Jodi in the way that only small children do. “You’re pretty.”
Jodi grinned, so overcome she had to fight like hell not to bawl in front of the child and scare her half to death.
“Thank you. So are you.”
“Is she coming to dinner tonight?” Katie asked. “’Cause usually friends come to dinner.”
Lynn stood, taking Katie by the hand. “Not tonight, hun, but maybe sometime soon.” She smiled at Jodi, and Jodi nodded, grateful she didn’t have to speak anymore since she wasn’t sure she could.
“Why don’t you go in and have Marlene make you your kidspresso, then come back out so Nina can take you on to school.”
“Okay.” Katie bounded away into the shop.
“Have a seat, Nina,” Lynn instructed.
Nina nodded. “Yes, I think I’d better.”
She sat on the other side of the round table, her eyes never leaving Jodi’s face.
“Nina, this is—”
“Katie’s mother,” Nina finished Lynn’s sentence.
“Yes,” Lynn said. “So it’s that obvious? I mean, I think it’s blatant, but I know Jodi. I was there when Katie was born, so I wasn’t sure what it would look like to an outsider.”
Nina released a slow breath. “It’s pretty obvious. The hair, the eyes, the skin tone.” She looked at Jodi sympathetically. “And the fact you nearly passed out when she spoke to you gave it away if the rest hadn’t.”
“I’m sorry.” Jodi darted a glance at Lynn. “I’ll work on that, I promise. I can do something about the hair too—dye mine darker if it would help?”
“What?” Nina squinted.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lynn scolded.
“If he doesn’t want her to know, I mean…”
“Sweetheart,” Lynn said indulgently. “There isn’t any question of whether she’ll k
now, only when and how. Ty has the right to decide those details, but the fact is, you’re her mother. There’s no getting around it. You carried her in your body for nine months and gave her half her DNA. She’s going to know you’re her mother. That part isn’t up for grabs. The rest of it is something you and Ty will have to work out.”
Jodi nodded, glancing at Nina, who swallowed and looked concerned.
“I’m not here to try to take her,” she told Nina. “I just want a chance to know her. I approached Ty yesterday, but he, um, didn’t take it well.”
“I imagine he didn’t,” Nina murmured. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Why now?”
Jodi sighed. She’d known she would hear this question a lot. Somehow she thought she’d be giving the answer to Ty first, but at least she was getting a lot of practice before she had to give him the speech.
“I was raised by a poor single mother,” she told Nina. “It really impacted my view of the world and of myself. When I got pregnant with”—she glanced toward the doors to the café—“her, I wasn’t capable of taking that on. I was so terrified of ending up like my mother, I couldn’t see past the fear to care for her. But I’ve spent the last five years learning about what I’m capable of, figuring out I’m not my mother, and realizing that leaving my child was the gravest error of my life. I accept I can’t undo it, but I’d like to be better—for me and for her—moving forward.”
Nina cleared her throat. “Well, okay then. You’ve got your work cut out for you.”
“I know.”
“The first thing to be done is to get you and Ty together so you can talk,” Lynn said.
Jodi laughed bitterly. “I’m not too sure that’s going to happen.”
“My nephews are some of the most stubborn men in California,” Lynn grumbled. “But they have hearts as big as the state as well. Let me talk to Ty. He’ll meet with you. But in the meantime, tell us what your plans are. Do you go back to San Luis Obispo soon? How much time off work did you get?” Lynn turned to Nina. “Jodi’s a nurse at the hospital in San Luis.”
Ty's Heart: California Cowboys 3 Page 2
