And to be honest, I didn’t even know how or when this deterioration of our relationship had begun, but what I did know was that it had gotten worse – and that it couldn’t go on like this. A part of me was desperate to shove this truth back down to the pit of my stomach where it had come from, but there was another force that was stronger, and it refused to give up.
So I turned myself over to it.
I let go.
I let go of my need to hold on. I let go of my need to control the outcome. I let go of my fear of being alone. I let go of the guilt, the drama, the worry, the doubt...
And I surrendered to the tears that started pouring down my face. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed in the safe space of my scorching shower, where the streams of falling water were a message of encouragement to cry, to join the outpouring in an emotional as well as physical sense, giving me comfort in the process. It was the release I had unknowingly, yet desperately needed.
A few minutes or hours later (I had zero clue as I’d lost all concept of time), the tears dissipated. Along with the stress, the mental clutter, and the emotional drama. A weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, and I felt relief for the first time in ages.
It gave me clarity. And with this newfound clarity, I knew exactly what I needed to do.
CHAPTER
5
I stood under the water for a couple more minutes to enjoy the peace that had been evading me these last few... well, more like many, many months.
‘Alright then,’ I said to myself as I turned off the shower, feeling rejuvenated.
I dried off, put on my fave pair of super comfy jeans and pulled out a red tank top that had ‘Aloha’ written across the front in yellow writing. Aloha is the Hawaiian word for hello and goodbye. In Hawaiian language, it means love, compassion, and breath, among other similar sentiments, and it seemed like a good shirt to wear for what I was about to do.
I ran a brush through my long, blonde waves, taking my time, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror until I realized I was in procrastination mode. Okay, so I was scared about what I had to do next, but it was time to stop prolonging the inevitable. I put down my brush and walked out to the living room to talk to Derek, who was on the couch with a beer, fiddling around on his phone.
I sat down beside him, crossing one leg on the couch so that it was easier to face him.
‘Hey, can we talk?’ I felt nervous.
‘Sure,’ Derek replied solemnly while continuing to stare at his phone.
I waited patiently, and silently, trying not to fidget while he finished whatever he was doing. He must’ve finally realized that this was going to be one of those conversations... You know, the serious kind that don’t involve other distractions. He put his phone on the coffee table in front of us, then leaned back on the couch and turned his head to face me, giving me an awkward smile before saying, ‘What’s up?’
Here goes, I thought, taking a big inhale before starting...
‘Derek, I don’t know how to sugar coat what I want to say, so I’m just going to say it. And please, if you can, wait until I’m done before you respond because I want to be able to get it all out without being interrupted.’
I paused for a moment, psyching myself up before continuing. Derek nodded in silence, giving me the go ahead.
‘This thing we’re doing, whatever it’s turned into, isn’t working. I’m completely lost and confused, and I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not just lost in terms of our relationship, but also as an athlete. The thing is I don’t know what the deal is with us, but what I do know is that I’m not the happy person I used to be.’
He was watching me intently, looking more and more uncomfortable by the second. But he kept silent, so I continued...
‘As for surfing, I’ve been feeling disconnected with my rhythm. I don’t read the water or trust my instincts anymore. I second-guess myself and hesitate. And it’s because I’m relying on you to tell me what to do. And while your intentions are good, of course, the reality is that it’s not translating into success for me. I feel like a loser out there in competition and it sucks. And I’m embarrassed about my performance this season. And, well, I can’t keep doing this!’
Derek was so good at listening. I really appreciated that about him. I let out a big exhale and said, ‘Okay, I’m done.’
He nodded his head a bunch of times, which is something he does when he’s letting new information sink in. The truth was I had more to say, but it felt like that was a good place to stop. This was just getting started, after all, I thought, I need to pace myself.
After a couple of long moments that were drawn out by an uncomfortable silence, he finally spoke:
‘Yeah, Zoe, I agree with what you’re saying. I think I understand where you’re coming from.’
‘You do?’ I said, surprised that we had finally come to an agreement on something this year, and that it was this of all things.
‘And, well, I’ve been wondering if the Pro Tour is really what you want to still be doing.’
WTF?! I thought. I replied abruptly along the same lines, ‘Huh?!’
I sat upright on the couch, realizing that we weren’t coming to an agreement at all. He sat up too, reacting to my movement. He continued to speak, but now his voice had raised a few notches:
‘I mean, c’mon Z, isn’t it time to move on from the Tour and focus on real life?’
My mind was doing flips. Oh man, this conversation was heating up fast. Instead of snuffing out the flame, though, I stoked the fire by jumping on his ridiculous statement and matching his aggravated tone.
‘What on earth are you talking about? You know how invested I am in my surfing career!’ I shouted.
‘Okay, okay!’ he said, gesturing that we should lower our voices.
‘Look Z, I love you, and you know I’m your biggest fan! I chose to be a part your world and I’ve enjoyed it too. C’mon, you have to know that, right?’
He spoke more gently now, in a helpful attempt to douse the drama. But as he brushed his hair out of his face with his fingers, I could see that his brow was moist. He was not generally a nervous sort of guy, but whatever, I was too distracted by my thoughts to give it more than a fleeting observation. I had to focus...
‘And now?’ I was being harsh and short-tempered, even with those two small words, but I was feeling defensive and couldn’t help myself.
‘Well, I... I just think there’s more to life than traveling around from competition to competition. It just seems like the sole purpose of your life has become all about winning events and adhering to the demands of your sponsors, and it’s killed the simple joy of surfing.’
His words trailed off, but he continued to look me straight in the eye, and I could tell he was relieved to say how he really felt. Even though it was a kick in the face to me.
‘What the fuck, Derek?! Why have you been spending so much time and energy on me when you don’t even want it?’
‘Because you wanted it, Zoe. This has been all about you, remember?’
Okay, I got that. But I’d been thinking all along that he wanted this too, otherwise why would he have quit his job to join me?
‘Well then, what is it that you want, Derek?’
He sat silently for a minute, and even though I was anxious, I knew it wasn’t a good idea to rush him. So I leaned backwards, resting my back against the couch, nervously shaking my leg and staring at the wall, waiting for his response. I’d like to think I was being patient, but, hey, I probably wasn’t.
After an extremely long minute, he finally spoke.
‘Well, I think I do want to be with you, Zoe, but not so much like this. I want to get married and have kids and travel around the world doing whatever we want, whenever we want...’
‘Argh!’ I couldn’t help myself, so I threw my hands to my head and looked at him wit
h disbelief.
‘Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening! D, we’ve had this conversation before and you know I have no interest in getting married or having kids right now. I’m only 23 and I’m a professional surfer!’
‘I know, I know, but 23 isn’t that young. And besides, I’m ready to do more than what we’re doing now. We’re so chained to your schedule and, to be honest, that sucks sometimes. I know it was awesome at the beginning, but it’s kind of gotten old for me. Plus, I’m having a hard time focusing on my writing. I think I need some new inspiration to get my creative flow going again. And since you’re obviously stuck in a rut, I figured… I hoped you’d be ready for change too.’
We both fell silent, Derek waiting for me to say something. I was too angry to reply.
He reached over and placed his hand on my knee, hoping, I think, to reconnect with me so that we could work through this drama amicably. But no, not me. Instead I brushed his hand away and quickly stood up from the couch. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe I just needed to get up and move around to shake things off.
‘Ugh!’ I said finally with an air of frustration. ‘I don’t know what to say, Derek, except that surfing is still my priority.’
‘Oh. I see. Well, I guess I thought that maybe you’d have a change of heart around the Tour now that the season is done and you have the time to redirect your focus.’
‘No man, I have to get my shit together and prepare for next season. I’m still in the game, Derek. I did qualify for the Tour again, remember, even if it was just barely?’
Our tones seemed to have come back down to an almost-normal level of conversation, which was good, but I honestly wasn’t expecting it to have gone in this direction. I mean, I knew on some level that Derek wanted to move forward, since we’d had a few discussions around marriage etc., but I didn’t realize there was this much urgency to it.
‘Don’t you see a life beyond your surfing career?’ he asked, looking up at me as I paced back and forth in our small living area. His forehead was all scrunched and his eyes were wide – a tell-tale sign that he was frustrated. In an attempt to ease his discomfort, I stopped pacing and sat my butt back down next to him.
I was nervous, because I knew I had to be honest with him even though he wasn’t going to like what I had to say. Geez… Why does this have to be so hard? I thought to myself, as I looked up at the ceiling, not quite ready to face the music. Every bone in my body was trying to get me to run away from this conversation. Why is it so hard to say how I really feel?
Somehow, I found some words.
‘Well, right now I see a life with my surfing career. I see love, I see money, and I see fun surfing adventures with a partner by my side. But Derek, I don’t know that I even believe in marriage, first of all. And second, I’m not sure I want kids, so it’s kinda hard to go down that road with you right now… if ever. D, I’m sorry.’
Derek slouched forward to bury his head in his hands, moaning inexplicably. I had no idea what to do except rest my head back on the couch and stare up at the ceiling.
The truth was out, and to be honest, I hadn’t expected to end up on the topic of marriage and babies; I hadn’t been thinking that far into the future. It made me wonder; had I been too self-absorbed to realize how he felt?
The silence was deafening but I had nothing more to say. With his head still resting in his hands, Derek finally mumbled:
‘Well, I guess I have something else to tell you then.’
‘Oh okay. What is it?’ For some reason, my heart began to race. What else could he possibly have to say?
He lifted his head up and glanced over at me, quickly blurting out, ‘I’ve been having a… a connection... with someone else.’
‘Excuse me? A what?!’ My voice rose with each word, afraid that I already knew what he meant. Still, could he be any vaguer?
‘A connection? What does that even mean, Derek?’ I tried not to yell.
He seemed tongue-tied as he grasped for some words.
‘Derek, you better spit it out before I lose my mind.’ I was trying to calm down and stay seated on the couch so that things didn’t heat up again.
‘Yeah, well, I met this girl last year, when we were in California for the Trestles competition and...’
‘And what? What do you mean in California last year?!’ I really needed him to pick up the pace and I couldn’t care less that he was struggling. Lucky for him he managed to pull it together, looking down as he spoke.
‘Well, I was visiting a friend, and he had invited a few people over. She was there, and we ending up spending most of the night talking. It’s not like anything happened, but then I saw her again this year and, well, we got to talking again, met up one night, where she kissed me… and I kissed her back… and I liked it.’
He spoke quietly, sheepishly.
‘Well, this isn’t fucked up at all. One minute you’re telling me you want to marry me and have kids, and the next minute you’re telling me you cheated on me. Are you sure that’s all that happened?’
I was acting angrily and I didn’t care.
‘No, nothing else. I promise.’
‘But you weren’t planning on telling me what happened?’
‘It’s just… I’ve been trying to move past it and I wasn’t sure it was necessary to share. But I guess deep down it’s been bothering me. So since we’re being honest...’
‘Wow, how generous of you, Derek,’ I said flatly. ‘So what’s the deal with her now? Are you keeping in touch?’
‘We’ve exchanged a few emails, yes.’
‘Jesus, this is so messed up.’
The anger had turned to upset, and the tears began to well up.
‘How [sob] could you [sob] do this?’
‘Zoe, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I love you and I’ve been trying to make things work. But I guess… hell, I don’t know!’
‘Never [sob] mind, Derek. I don’t need [sob] to hear anymore. I think our time together is [sob] done.’
Without waiting for a response, I got up, walked out the back door and plopped myself in the big hammock that overlooked the ocean. I needed space to calm down.
By the time the sun was settling down behind the horizon, so were my nerves. I was still super pissed that Derek had cheated on me, even if it was just a kiss. But it sounded like there was more to it, at least emotionally. That was what had made me feel worse. Still, I had planned to break up with him, so what difference did it make?
My mind was having its own internal battle; one part trying to accept what was happening and move on, the other clinging to the anger and the hurt, even a sense of abandonment. Because that’s what it felt like to be cheated on; like my trusted mate left me to go and secretly connect with someone else in the way he’s only supposed to connect with me. Horrible.
When the sky was dark and night was finally upon this dreadfully long and painful day, I went back inside to face the music. Derek had made us dinner, and even though I should have completely lost my appetite, somehow I hadn’t. A small consolation.
Between moments of silence, more sobbing, feelings of disappointment, betrayal, sadness, guilt, and a myriad of other sentiments experienced on both ends, we managed to hash things out and finalize our break-up. It wasn’t easy, considering how raw I felt, but as luck and timing would have it, we were meant to leave Hawaii the following day, so we were forced to alter our plans immediately.
Change happens with the speed of thought. I saw this on a bumper sticker many years ago and it always stuck with me. It seemed applicable to this moment. The original plan had been for us both to stay with Sophie and her family, like we usually did. Instead, Derek re-routed his flight back to his home in California, where my dark and twisted mind suspected he’d be hooking up with this other woman in no time.
Needless to say, my night wa
s sleepless.
CHAPTER
6
I got up around 6am the next morning. I hadn’t gotten much rest, as you can probably imagine. I was too upset or confused or angry or whatever to be able to relax enough to fall asleep. Derek had spent the night on the couch, so I walked quietly past his snoring body and snuck out the door.
The ohana (a term Hawaiians use for ‘guest house’) where we were staying came equipped with two bicycles, so I hopped on one of the cruisers and pedalled my way down the street, towards one of the coffee shops in Lahaina.
Emotionally, I was in a difficult space. I felt the rug of my life being pulled out from underneath me. My relationship had failed and my surfing career was flailing, but the wonderful scent of the plumeria flowers and the sound of carefree birds welcoming the new day calmed my mind as I meandered down the empty, early morning streets.
I was only in Hawaii for a few more hours, and I wanted desperately to enjoy the magic of the land. Its mana. Its energy. An energy that I knew would give me strength if only I allowed it. And God knows I was going to need as much strength as possible to get through what I anticipated would be an emotional day.
Derek and I drove to the airport together, which was a pretty dumb idea considering how weird and painful it was between us. But hey, it seemed like the most logical thing to do since we both had to be at the airport around the same time.
We sat in silence as he drove, me resuming my position staring out the window. About half an hour into the 45-minute drive, I glanced over at Derek, who kept his eyes fixated on the road. I realized we were both feeling distant and sad, so I focused on the excitement of going home. Even though I had only lived there for a few short years before traveling all over the world and joining the Tour life full time, Australia definitely was home to me. My dad, unfortunately, would be away on a six-month trip in Kenya for work, so it was a major bummer that I wasn’t going to be able to see him. But I was going to reunite with S and her parents and brother, and I knew that being in the familiarity of the Smart family was just what I needed right now. In fact, I felt a hint of relief at being able to see a little sliver of magic during this painful moment of the heart.
Surfer Girls Kick Ass Page 3
