I dropped my ass onto the sand, crossed my legs, sat up straight and closed my eyes. I focused on my breath. It was not an easy task. My mind ran wild with thoughts of anything and everything. I came back to my breath whenever I noticed I was distracted, but it would only be a few seconds before my mind wandered off again. After what felt like 35 minutes, I opened my eyes and looked at my watch. Only 13 minutes had passed. Damn! I thought to myself. Well, that was as much as I could handle right now. I did feel calmer, at least.
Brekkie was included with the room so I met the girls at the hotel restaurant for an insane buffet of everything tropical and delicious, including waffles. Since S was busy for most of the day, Kiko and I hung out together and it was pretty cool to get to know her a bit more. She had many talents. After leading me in a post-breakfast tai chi session, she explained its fundamentals while we were walking towards the beach to go surfing.
‘Have you started reading that book I gave you?’ she asked.
‘Yeah right, Thinking Body, Dancing Mind. I’ve read like a page or two and already found it helpful.’
‘Perfect. It’ll explain things way better than I can. And it’s a really great read for athletes as well, sort of like sports psychology.’
‘Yeah, I’m excited to dig into more of it.’
I gave her as much instruction as I could while we were in the surf, which was helpful for me as well. It’s always good to be reminded of the basics because they don’t become any less important as your skills improve. In fact, the basics are crucial in terms of upping your game. If you think about it, you need that solid foundation to build upon, otherwise it’s like building a house of cards: it’s bound to collapse.
Kiko got out of the water and I stayed for a few more waves to give myself some undivided attention. With all this socializing, I needed some alone time. Plus, I knew I’d feel better about our big night out if I put in a good practice session first.
There was a guy in the water who ripped! He was an older gentleman on a long board, and his style was so dynamic! He walked up and down his board, making sharp turns with such fluidity! It was amazing considering the length of board he was riding. I watched him catch wave after wave, even though there were tons of people in the water. It seemed like he knew this place like the back of his hand. I couldn’t help but watch him, even doing that trick where I tried tapping into his rhythm – feeling the ocean as he feels it. I know that may sound weird, but getting in sync with someone or something happens naturally when you give it focus. Imagine a basketball team that moves as if the team members are one unit. Together, they’re in the zone. Now imagine world-renowned basketball player LeBron James, who operates at such a high level that he can read his teammates effortlessly, commanding a collective flow that allows for those epic passes and shots.
Feeling the connection to the wave via this dude was beneficial as I could translate the feeling into my own rhythm and style. As I’ve mentioned, I used to do this all the time when I was first learning to surf, from watching videos. I’d watch a clip of someone, and tap into their vibe, feeling their movements, even though it was on a screen and I wasn’t in the water at the time. It felt like I was experiencing what it would be like to perform at my highest potential, but through others. Then, when I’d get into the water, I’d surf heaps better. Somehow my body had adapted to this new rhythm, with new muscle memory, even though I hadn’t physically practiced yet.
After my surf session, I went to the room to rinse off and change. Grabbing my most recent copy of Surfer Magazine, my Mexican leftovers and some other bathing essentials, I headed to the pool to chill. It was not overwhelmingly busy, and I managed to find a lounge chair under a shade umbrella, where I could eat my lunch. I was eager to get into it and didn’t care that it was cold from the mini bar fridge. I’m not picky that way. And I didn’t even mind using the highly ineffective plastic knife and fork. It was yummy just the same, and I enjoyed every bite until it was gone.
Whipping off my shirt, I laid back on the lounge chair in my bikini, mumbling to myself about how nice this all was. Settling in, I flipped through the pages of Surfer, landing on a Foxy Sunglasses ad featuring Bailey.
Good for her, I thought.
My eyes began to feel heavy, so I rested the mag on my stomach and let my eyelids close, dozing off almost immediately.
Wait! Where am I?
I had a familiar feeling about this place but still felt confused. I turned around, and as I did, my question was answered. I was back in Colorado at my old skate park – the place I had spent much of my time as a kid. The air was fresh. It felt like autumn. I loved that time of year in Boulder, not just for the cool climate, but because it also meant that winter was near – and soon I would be on my snowboard! I inhaled deeply, re-living the past. And boy did it feel real, because I also felt the cool air. I looked down at my bare arms and noticed goosebumps.
Why am I here? I wondered.
I lifted my head and looked towards the skate ramp about 50 feet away. I noticed someone on it. At first glance it was hard to recognize the small figure, but as I let my eyes focus in on the little person I realized it was me! But it was the me from about 14 years ago, when I was 9. I was wearing the same ripped jeans, and pink and lime green t-shirt that I always wore at that time. I was obsessed with that outfit for some reason, and never wanted to wear anything else. It used to drive my mom crazy when I’d hide the items from her at night, so that she couldn’t wash them.
I watched myself on the ramp – skating back and forth, back and forth, getting comfortable with my stance and searching for the perfect momentum – a speed and rhythm that was necessary to keep me moving – up and down, up and down. Little me was laughing, loving the feeling of wheels under my feet.
From where I was watching, I was drawn to look in the other direction, and there she was... my mom. She was on the sidelines of the ramp, smiling and clapping her hands while yelling at me to keep going. She looked so young. I looked so young!
I was admiring the scene as it played out in front of me, remembering how happy I was. But then my ‘feelgood’ moment somehow turned into feeling bad. Sadness washed over me. It felt horribly depressing. Instead of experiencing joy from my past, I was confused and anxious.
My throat tightened. I couldn’t breathe properly as I choked on my tears. And now all of these questions popped into my mind. How could she leave us like that? How could she leave me? What did I do wrong?
The sadness turned to hatred and anger. It felt like my blood was boiling and my skin was on fire. I wanted to lash out and punch someone. I was so angry! And right when I was about run over to my mom and explode on her, I couldn’t. Because I was no longer on the ground. I was sitting high up in a tree nearby, looking down at the skate park. What? It was the same scene, only now I was watching older me watch little me with my mom, who was still on the sidelines cheering me on.
From up here in the tree, I no longer felt angry or sad. It was weird. The fire in my eyes and the pain in my heart was completely gone. I felt… what was it? Peace?
Yet, it didn’t feel like it was coming from me. It felt like there was a presence with me, or like someone had sprinkled fairy dust all over me, to protect me from myself.
Next I knew, there came a flash of light. Instinctively, I looked towards it, and there he was… Teo.
‘Teo. What…?’ I was trying to speak but I couldn’t get my words out.
And again I felt that relaxed state, instead of being afraid. This time I felt more curious than confused.
‘Why am I here?’
‘Look at your mom,’ he said calmly. ‘Do you see how happy she is to be with you?’
‘Yes.’ I was staring at her and couldn’t deny it.
‘Can you feel how much she loves you?’
I took a moment to watch her. Her excitement was real. Her smile was genuine. It had to be. I felt
that it was, even though part of me wanted to fight the truth.
‘Yes,’ I answered.
‘Do you know how much she still loves you?’
I wanted to say no, but the word literally wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I tried again but the same thing happened. It was like when you try to scream but nothing comes out. Weird.
I shifted my gaze from my mom to Teo. He was staring at me intensely, almost as though he was looking through me, and diving deep into my soul. There was a gentle fierceness to this moment. I was being shown a dark place within my mind, but the light was shining onto it, exposing it and releasing it. I couldn’t move. I felt frozen in time, even though the scene of my youth continued to play on below me. Eventually, the ‘no’ I’d originally wanted to say was gone.
The scene turned to my mom. She was in our old house, the one we all lived in before she left. She was sitting alone at the dining room table, crying, elbows on the table, head resting in her hands. She was so sad, and I’d never seen that side of her before. I only remembered her as being a happy and cheerful mom.
‘Whether it’s your mother, your best friend, a competitor or a complete stranger, remember that everyone is struggling in some way, including yourself. It may not always be obvious, but it’s important to know that everyone is doing the best that they can at the time, even if it doesn’t look like much to you.’
‘I… I didn’t know my mom was struggling.’ And I honestly hadn’t. This new understanding shifted my perspective.
‘Zoe, it was not easy for your mom to do what she did. She was dealing with her own demons, and came to a turning point that led her in a different direction. There’s much more to the story than what you or even your dad know, and certainly more than you witnessed, just as there is much more to your story than others may know or understand. Do you see?’
I stayed quiet for a few moments to let his words sink in before I was ready to speak.
‘Well, I thought I had dealt with all of this, but I guess there’s still a lot of anger and sadness around her leaving. I just didn’t realize it.’
‘Yes, Zoe, and that’s why there’s always a part of you that holds back. In friendships, in competition, whatever you give your attention to, you maintain a protective layer that prevents you from giving it your all.’
‘I hold back?’ I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear this. I always considered myself to be someone who was all in, all the time.
‘Yes.’ he replied simply. Factually.
‘So now what?’ I asked openly. I was looking at him attentively.
‘Now it’s time to forgive the past, to let go of the negative emotions that are holding you back from feeling the freedom you search for in everything you do. That freedom comes from within, Zoe. You can’t find freedom in anything, but you can bring it to everything. With your thoughts, your words, your actions, your choices and decisions.’
I admit that I liked what he was saying. I liked the idea of what he was saying, but…
He whispered into my ear, ‘Let compassion lead the way.’
Just then I felt a sense of peace wash over me again. Teo was undoubtedly working his magic on me. And again, time stood still and I was motionless as I felt love for my mom, for my dad, and even for myself. I felt love for what they’d been through. I felt that peace again, extending to my mom as the pain left my body, my mind, and my heart. My body felt like it had disappeared, and all that was left was a vibration of millions of cells that emanated Pure Love. Peace. Harmony.
‘Zoooeeee, Zoooeeee! Wake up, mate!’
It was Seth.
I bolted upright and opened my eyes, and was momentarily blinded by the sun. I felt I’d been sucked into a time warp and spat back into real time, and as a result, I was totally disoriented. I needed to get my bearings. I scanned my surroundings: lounger, pool, hotel, surfing… ‘Okay, okay,’ I muttered to myself as I came back into my body and its whereabouts. My magazine had fallen off when I’d sat up so abruptly, so I leaned over to pick it up and placed it calmly back on the edge of the lounger, gathering myself.
‘Are you okay, Zoe?’ he asked, sounding somewhat concerned.
‘Ugh... Oh, yeah. Hey, Seth!’ I smiled awkwardly, trying to hide my embarrassment. And I tell ya, it’s a good thing I had my sunnies on, otherwise he would’ve known for sure I was not okay. At least in the sense that I’d just experienced something that left me feeling raw and sensitive.
‘I, ugh, fell asleep.’
‘Yeah, I can see that,’ he said as he sat down on the lounger beside me.
‘Hey, wait, you made it!’ I said, perking up, now that I remembered he’d driven up to meet us for the rest of the weekend.
‘Yep, sure did. And now I’m ready for a dip in the pool. Care to join?’ he said playfully as he took off his sunnies.
‘Um…’ I was hesitant for no logical reason. But as he proceeded to take off his shirt, the answer became quite obvious. I stood up, slapped his abs and jumped into the pool without saying a word, letting the water wake me up and bring me back into the moment.
CHAPTER
37
The ‘big night out’ certainly was a big night out, at least by my standards. Seth had gone to visit a friend for pre-party drinks and was planning to meet up with us at the club later. This gave us a little extra girl time to get ready. And we all scrubbed up quite nicely if I do say so myself! I may even venture to say that both S and I went through something of a transformation, thanks to Kiko, who was even more striking than usual.
S and I hardly ever go out of our way to dress up. I dunno, the whole makeup and outfit thing just takes up too much time if you ask me. And honestly, I just can’t be bothered! But tonight we had Kiko on our side, and apparently ‘personal stylist’ is one more thing to add to her already long list of talents, because her work was impressive.
While S and I both refused to don heels, we did succumb to some fancier-than-normal outfits: me, a short blue-green dress, Soph, a little black skirt with loose top. We completed our overhaul with mascara and lipstick. Kiko was in a tight-fitted red dress with high black peep-toe pumps. Her hair was shining like stars on a dark night, and as she waltzed around the hotel room looking confident in her skin, it was hard not to admire her.
A few minutes before it was time to leave the hotel, S pulled out some tequila from the mini bar and grabbed tumblers from the kitchenette.
‘Ready to do some gratitude shots, ladies?’
‘Huh?’
‘Just get over here!’ she said as she poured the potent golden liquid into glasses.
Kiko and I followed her out onto the balcony.
‘Seriously?’ Kiko said. ‘Do we have any lime or salt, or do you just expect us to deal with this straight up?’
‘Hang on, hang on!’ S said as she went back into the room and then re-emerged a minute later with a lime, a salt packet, and a pretty basic-looking knife. I sliced through the lime and made three rather rudimentary wedges, while S opened the salt sachet and dabbed some on the back of one hand for each of us in turn.
‘Alright ladies, this is a gratitude shot. We drink to what we’re grateful for. I’ll go first. I’m grateful for you ladies, for joining me on this trip, and for loving me for exactly who I am, and not for who you want me to be!’
She looked at me. Then once again, I noticed that sweet sparkle in her eye as her gaze landed upon Kiko.
‘Well,’ Kiko began, ‘I’m grateful for getting an awesome surf lesson from a famous pro,’ she said as she looked over and gave me a wink. ‘And I’m grateful for all the sleepovers and smoothies and salads at casa de Sophie – an amazing place on the beach, to which I’d never have been privy, if I hadn’t met you, S!’
She was laughing, but S and I knew what she truly meant.
It was my turn. ‘Um, well, I’m grateful for having friends like you
two. Whether old or new, you’ve both brought me back to life, back to my Self, and I don’t know what I’d be doing right now if it wasn’t for you. Thank you!’ I said as I bowed my head.
‘Cheers!’ We clinked glasses before throwing back the tequila. It was a sweet way to get the evening started.
Sophie wasn’t the type of person to sit still for long, and after being stuck in meetings for most of the day, she was eager to get her groove on. Add a little tequila into the mix, and you can bet she was her usual boisterous self, but dialled up a few notches. Yeah... that! Kiko, on the other hand, was as poised as ever. She carried herself so elegantly no matter what she was doing. Tonight was no exception.
We ventured to a bar on the main strip of Surfers Paradise that had been recommended to S at the cocktail party the night before. It wasn’t too busy yet, and we were just there to warm up, so to speak. I enjoyed watching the scene while snacking on some appetizers. Sophie and Kiko were babbling on about something but I wasn’t paying much attention to them. Instead, I reflected on the experience I’d had with Teo during my nap at the pool earlier that afternoon. I was still very much in awe of the encounter and hadn’t had any time to process it. I felt lighter, more peaceful, and more at ease towards my mom, like much of my pain had been healed because I had a new perspective that made it easier to forgive her for what she did. It wasn’t all about me, I realized.
We sauntered on to the club at about 11:00pm. S was a few drinks in by now, so Kiko was busy making sure she didn’t get too obnoxious in public. We stood in line at the club with a dozen or so others. I looked back at Kiko with despair, ‘I honestly don’t understand why clubs have to open so late. Why won’t they let us dance earlier on in the night?’
The girls laughed at my comment, but I wasn’t even joking! I mean, I love dancing, and I’d go clubbing every week if it didn’t also meaning staying up all night.
We moved quickly through the short line, paid the $10 cover fee and were greeted with pink and purple lights bouncing off plain concrete walls, giving the intimate club something of a modern appeal. With a capacity of maybe 500 people, the little dance floor was already packed with people moving to the DJ’s beats.
Surfer Girls Kick Ass Page 18
