by Jay Bell
Jason walked. He had no need to run. Caesar would never give chase, always expecting Jason to come to him. Only Nathaniel had the privilege of summoning Caesar, the handsome king awaiting his perfect prince. And what was Jason? The way he felt now, he was nothing more than a foolish peasant.
* * * * *
It took Jason three hours to find his way home. He walked the entire way, getting lost in both thought and direction. Anguish seized him repeatedly, but he refused to cry. He focused instead on anger, trying to transmute his love for Caesar into hate. Sometimes he thought he was successful, but that urge kept returning: Jason wanted to be with Caesar. That was impossible now. He knew this. But he couldn’t help wishing Nathaniel didn’t exist or that Caesar would choose him instead. He kept looking over his shoulder, hoping to see a silver sports car pulling up, a concerned face behind the windshield. Each time Jason turned around, he was disappointed.
By the time he walked in the front door, he was starving and exhausted.
Almost immediately, Mrs. Hubbard stepped into his path. “You’re grounded!”
Jason ignored this, walking around her and heading for the stairs.
“Where were you?” she shouted after him.
Jason went to his room, shut the door, and reached for a lock that wasn’t there. When he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, he threw himself on the bed and covered his head with a pillow. He could still hear the words, both Mr. and Mrs. Hubbard yelling at him or trying to pull away his pillow, but Jason held on tightly until they gave up and left.
When he was sure the coast was clear, he went to the bathroom and drank from the sink.
“Are you okay?” Amy stood in the doorway, a plush pony under one arm.
“No,” Jason said. “I’m not.”
“You can hide in my room if you want.”
He was tempted to accept, but he knew it would only spark a house-wide search for him, and he didn’t want Amy seeing the Hubbards yelling at him. “I need to stay in mine,” Jason said, heading for the hall.
Amy didn’t move out of the way. “Are they going to make you leave? I hate it when people go away.”
Jason swallowed, unsure what his future held, but he didn’t want her to worry. “I’m not going anywhere. I got grounded, that’s all.”
“Oh.” A child’s mind rarely remained on one subject. When Amy spoke next, it was clear she had moved on. “Will you play the guitar for me?”
“Yeah. But only if you do me a favor first.”
“What?”
“Think you can go downstairs and make me a sandwich? You’d have to sneak it up here.”
“No need,” Amy said. “I have an Easy Bake in my room.”
“You mean one of those light-bulb-powered ovens?”
“Yep.”
“Uh, okay. If you can make me something to eat with it—something real—then I’ll play you all the songs you want.”
Half an hour later he was feasting on ridiculously small cookies and brownies, all of which tasted a little powdery, but they got him full enough to refuse dinner when Mrs. Hubbard told him it was ready. Jason was angry at her son more than her, and this rebellion would cost him, but he took satisfaction in it anyway.
Night had fallen by the time he heard Caesar’s voice downstairs, and despite Jason not being able to make out the words, his heartbreak increased. He lay in bed as the house grew silent, resisting the temptation to march down the hall and start yelling because he knew it would only be an excuse to interact with Caesar. As much as Jason wanted that, he still tensed up when the door to his room quietly opened. He was facing away from the door and remained that way as he listened to it close again.
One side of the mattress lowered as Caesar sat down. “Don’t yell or anything, okay?”
“Afraid someone might hear?”
“Yes!”
The response was so heartfelt that Jason rolled over. Caesar’s face was strained, his eyes red, either from stress or tears. Despite this, Jason couldn’t feel sorry for him because he felt like shit himself.
“Put your shoes on,” Caesar said. “Go for a ride with me.”
Jason rolled back over. “No.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know—”
“I think I’ve figured out the basics!” Jason snapped, sitting up in anger.
Panic appeared on Caesar’s face. “Not so loud! Please, just let me explain. We’ll hit a drive-thru.”
Jason just stared at him.
“Amy told me how she cooked you dinner. You’ve got to be starving.”
“Fuck you.” Jason said it quietly, as per Caesar’s request. He felt insulted at being bribed with food. Caesar had been cheating on him all this time, and he thought some McNuggets could make up for it?
“I know you hate me. You’ll still hate me once I’ve told you the truth, but you should at least know it. Aren’t you the slightest bit curious?”
Jason was, about a lot of things. Like the whole notion of cheating. Didn’t a person have to be in a relationship for that to happen? He was beginning to wonder if he’d been deluded this whole time. They had never discussed being committed to each other. If Jason really had meant something to Caesar and wasn’t just another friend with benefits—then he wanted to know. Even if it was over now.
Wordlessly, Jason bent over and pulled on his lime green shoes, throat constricting when he remembered who they were a present from. He left them on anyway, feeling miserable enough without wearing the stupid squeaking pair.
The silence required to sneak out of the house accompanied them in the car as they drove. Jason refused to broach the subject. He wasn’t the one who needed to explain. That was Caesar’s burden, but when he finally started, Jason didn’t remain silent for long.
“Nathaniel moved in with us when I was fifteen,” Caesar said. “He—”
“—was your foster brother,” Jason interrupted. “He ended up seducing you, which you must have liked, because you decided to play the same game with me.” He glanced over to see Caesar clenching his jaw and felt pleased with himself.
“He moved in when I was fifteen,” Caesar repeated firmly, “but he wasn’t my foster brother and he isn’t an orphan. He didn’t even live with us at first. My parents hired him as a tutor. When high school started, the pressure to get perfect grades increased. My parents aren’t good at some subjects and my dad isn’t always around, so Nathaniel was called in to be a lot of things to me. More than anyone expected. I admired him. Idolized him. I guess he reminded me of my paramedic. Like I told you before, when I hit puberty, I started fantasizing about Thom in a whole new way. When Nathaniel came into my life, they sort of became the same person in my mind.”
“And then he—”
“No! He didn’t!” Caesar shouted. “Would you just listen to me? For a long time, I couldn’t talk to him. I kept clamming up. But he was a nice guy and got along great with my dad, so he kept making the effort. Eventually, on a family camping trip, he took me out hiking. That’s when I finally got to know him. He’s not exactly sweet. Nathaniel is like a force of nature. I’d never met anyone so confident, someone who knew exactly who he was and what he wanted. He goes after it too. You’ve seen the way he texts and…” Caesar sighed. “I’m getting ahead of myself.”
“So backtrack to getting molested in the woods.”
“He’s only two years older than me,” Caesar said. “And nothing happened that day. Nathaniel had a rough home life. He confided in me a little, but my dad knew even more. No matter what you think of my parents, they care about people. That’s when Nathaniel moved in with us. Not as a foster kid exactly. Not at first. Him being around all the time only made things harder on me. Eventually I broke down and told him I was in love with him. We were out for a walk, and I couldn’t keep it in anymore. He didn’t say a word at first. He just put his finger under my chin and made me look him in the eye before he kissed me.” There was a spurt of laughter that sounded like trying to hold back tears. Caesar shook his head, as
if embarrassed. “He just kissed me, right there on the sidewalk.”
Jason tore his eyes away. None of this made him feel better. Maybe he didn’t want to know the truth after all. “If you love him so much,” he asked. “Why did you cheat on him?”
“I didn’t,” Caesar said, taking a deep breath. “Listen, can the food wait? I’m not sure I should be driving right now.”
Jason glanced over at him. “Been drinking?”
“No.” Caesar turned the wheel, bringing them to a strip mall parking lot where they pulled up to a store with dark windows. “Nathaniel and I weren’t together long. A handful of months, but as you know, that’s all it really takes.”
Jason’s throat grew tight again. Was Caesar implying he felt something for him or only that he knew what Jason felt? He tried to read Caesar, who remained lost in the past, staring hard at the steering wheel. “My mom caught us. You asked if my parents knew about me. Well, what my mom saw didn’t leave much room for doubt. I was almost glad. My parents had been talking about adopting Nathaniel, helping him escape his bad situation permanently. He still wouldn’t be my blood, but legally…” Caesar shook his head. “I didn’t know they would send him away. They didn’t send Carrie away when she got in trouble, so I figured Nathaniel would always be there. I didn’t want him to become my brother, although I did fantasize he would become a Hubbard eventually.”
“When you were married?” Jason asked, his voice cracking.
“I was so in love with him,” Caesar said, like he was apologizing. “I’m not telling you this to hurt you. But I need you to understand. If you’re going to hate me, I want it to be for the right reason. I wasn’t just fucking around with him. Before Nathaniel left, we made a promise. No matter what it took, we would be together again. Even if that meant waiting until we were on our own.”
“So you’ve been together all these years?”
“No. We were young when we made that promise, and so much changed between then and now. Three years is a long time and things happened. People came into our lives—”
“Like Steph,” Jason said. “So basically you’ve always been cheating on Nathaniel.”
Caesar glared, brow knitting together. “Betrayal comes in many forms. We promised to get into Yale, and he knew that’s where I had to go, but he enrolled in the University of Houston anyway.”
“Not everyone can afford Yale,” Jason said.
Caesar shook his head. “There’s more to it than that. Nathaniel and I were falling apart. We’d been separated for a year at this point, and yeah, Steph was part of my life. She and I kept dancing around each other, wanting more but unable to act.”
“She knew about him?”
“Yeah, she knew. The short version is that Nathaniel and I broke it off. So I didn’t cheat on anyone. Steph was there for me when I fell, and I still love her for that.”
Jason’s jaw clenched. He couldn’t take it anymore. “What about me?” he shouted. “You sit here and tell me how much you love all these other people, but you never say it to me! How do you think that makes me feel?”
“I love you,” Caesar said without hesitation.
“No!” Jason’s throat felt raw, but he couldn’t stop. “Don’t you fucking dare! I don’t want to hear it. Not now.” His voice was faltering as the tears came unbidden, but he managed one more sentence. “Why didn’t you say it before?”
“I didn’t feel like I had the right,” Caesar said. “What kind of man cheats and then tells the other person that they’re loved? So I’ve been a shitty boyfriend to you, and I’m sorry, but I really do love you.”
Jason couldn’t respond. All he could do was fight back the tears. He didn’t want Caesar or anyone else seeing him like this, but he was too overwhelmed. All the pain combined with the bittersweet acknowledgement that he was loved, that the relationship he had hoped for was real—all of it was too much.
Perhaps sensing his embarrassment, Caesar continued. “The timing was bad. Nathaniel got in touch with me before you moved in. We met up, but kept it strictly platonic. Just friends, even if I did still have feelings for him. Then you came along, and I liked you. A lot. But I wasn’t sure what you wanted. What are the odds? My parents must have unintentional gaydar or something.”
“Just tell me you haven’t slept with Peter too,” Jason spat bitterly.
“Give me some credit,” Caesar said, making a face. “Anyway, I kept catching you looking at Steph, and you didn’t seem to like Kurt at all, so I decided I didn’t have a chance. About the same time, Nathaniel started talking about keeping our promise. Then I woke up one night and you’re trying to kiss me.”
Jason took a few deep breaths, wiped the tears from his eyes and raised his head. He wanted to face the next question with dignity and wouldn’t allow the answer to upset him. “So when did you finally cheat on me?”
Caesar looked away. “A few weeks ago. I was picking up that keg from Nathaniel. That’s where I get my beer from, since he looks old enough to buy it now, and uh… Things got out of hand.”
“Out of hand?” Jason asked, jaw clenching. “I hope you had fun. Never forget that day. Commit every fucking detail to memory, because it’s the reason we can’t be together anymore.”
Caesar lowered his head, eyes lost in shadow. “I know. I don’t expect you to forgive me. But I want you to know that it wasn’t just hormones. I love him. He was my first, and that’s not something you get over. Ever.”
This wasn’t the news Jason wanted to hear right now, but Caesar seemed distracted, not realizing the implications. Instead he kept speaking.
“I love you. I really do, even if you don’t want to hear it.”
Jason looked out the window. He had a headache, his throat felt sore, and his eyes were burning. Gosh, who knew that love could feel so good? “If you love me,” he said, his voice a croak, “then why don’t you leave him?”
Caesar was quiet long enough that Jason wished he could take back the words because he knew he wasn’t going to like the answer. “I didn’t ask you out here tonight because I hoped you would forgive me.”
In other words, I don’t want you, I want him. Caesar had managed to say this ugliest of truths without saying it at all. Jason almost admired his tact. With a silver tongue like that, he’d take the business world by storm. “You’re going to make your dad real proud someday.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Jason tried to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. You can take me home now.”
Caesar didn’t budge. “I’m glad you still think of it as home. You don’t have to leave. My parents will give you a good life. I’ll be off to college this summer, so you won’t have to see me anymore. Just a couple more months. Even if you don’t like my parents, they can give you a good start. I know how it is. I mean, Nathaniel and you have some things in common, so—”
“Don’t,” Jason said. “Don’t compare me to him and don’t tell me what to do. I’ll figure it out on my own.”
“Sorry,” Caesar said. After a thick silence he started the car. “Still hungry?”
“Sure,” Jason said with a casual shrug. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Oh. Okay.”
Jason kept this icy act going as they got some burgers, pretending through every bite that he didn’t care anymore. Only when they had returned home and he was alone in his room did he let himself cry out the last few tears—and he promised himself they would be the last. No more for Caesar. No more for anyone else. Ever.
* * * * *
“Rough week?”
Michelle was back, no doubt at the request of the Hubbards, but Jason didn’t mind. Seeing her was exactly what he needed. She was taking him for a walk around the block, mostly so they could have privacy, although it did make him feel like a pet dog. He imagined a collar around his neck, Michelle holding the leash as he panted happily beside her. Okay, so maybe he liked her a little too much.
“
Rough?” he repeated, hoping the word didn’t sound like a bark. “I’ve definitely had better.”
“Things were going so well too,” Michelle said. “The Hubbards had nothing but praise for you until Sunday. As I said before, if you feel that strongly about church…”
“It has nothing to do with that.”
“Oh. Well, something must have happened, and if you feel like talking about it—”
“I fell in love,” Jason said. “And it backfired.”
“Wow,” Michelle said. “Usually the ‘if you feel like talking about it’ speech doesn’t work. Okay. Um, I think I can understand where you’re coming from. Few things are as horrible as a broken heart.”
Jason glanced over at her. “Been there yourself?”
“Yeah. A long time ago. Most people have had their hearts stomped on at least once. Not to belittle what you’re going through because I know it hurts like hell. Falling in love should be a valid court defense for all but the most heinous of crimes. So you burned down the local Walmart because someone didn’t return your call? No need to explain! You’re forgiven.”
Jason laughed. “Am I?”
“With me, you are. You’ll have to manage a half-hearted apology to the Hubbards if you want to restore peace.”
“I think I can handle that.”
“Good. So besides horrible, crippling heartbreak, are you still content with living here?”
“Yeah,” Jason said, surprised by the answer. “I’ve lived in worse places.” And it was true. Amy was adorable, Peter was welcoming in his own way, and Carrie never bothered him. Mr. and Mrs. Hubbard, despite all their faults, really did have the best of intentions. That just left Caesar. Jason knew they couldn’t be together, but some treacherous part of him didn’t want him out of his life forever. Not yet.
“I’m happy you want to stay,” Michelle said. “Let’s think up a very simple excuse for your outburst that even Mrs. Hubbard can understand.”
“I can’t read?” Jason suggested.
“We can do better than that. It’s a shame you don’t get PMS. I use that one all the time, even if it’s not true. You should see my husband tremble.”
