by Jay Bell
“Look at you!” he said.
Jason was having similar thoughts, but he tried to play it cool. “Still driving the same car?”
“You know how nostalgic I am,” Caesar said, walking around the vehicle. He looked Jason over, noticing the shoes. “And I see I’m not alone.”
“These old things?” Jason said. “Are they somehow special? I don’t remember.”
“Right.”
Caesar walked up to him and offered a hand. When Jason took it—goose bumps racing over his skin—Caesar pulled him off the car and into his arms.
“It’s good to see you again,” he murmured into Jason’s neck. “You still smell the same.”
“Like I haven’t bathed after all this time?” Jason asked, forcibly pulling himself free. “Gee, thanks.”
“You always smelled good.” Caesar’s amber eyes were shining. “Even in the morning.”
Hot damn, he was irresistible! Sometimes Jason looked back on their relationship and felt embarrassed, thinking it had been hormones and bad decision-making that had driven him to sneak into Caesar’s room. Seeing him now, Jason was willing to forgive himself for any previous poor judgment.
“Hungry?” Caesar asked.
“Not in the slightest,” Jason replied.
“Me neither. I’d rather just hang out with you. Catch up on everything. Is there somewhere we can go?”
Jason shrugged and hopped back onto his car. “Why not here? It’s a lovely parking lot.”
Caesar glanced around. “Suit yourself. So what has Jason Grant been up to all these years? Your profile is lacking when it comes to details.”
The last thing Jason wanted to talk about was himself, so he made it quick. “Moved in with a family out here and dedicated my life to animals. What about you?”
“Wait,” Caesar asked. “You got adopted?”
“Nothing that formal,” Jason said. “But I have a family of sorts, yeah.”
“I’m really glad to hear it,” Caesar said. “So—”
“My turn,” Jason interrupted. He had decided earlier what his first question would be because it would determine whether or not Caesar intended to be honest. “How are you and Nathaniel doing?”
“Oh.” For a moment, Caesar didn’t look so sure of himself. “It’s a long story, but basically he dumped me.”
“But you went to Yale together,” Jason said.
“Yeah, we did. Things got a little weird there. Too much had changed. I was older, obviously, and the vibe between us… Nathaniel can be so domineering, and I guess that was okay for the big brother role he once played. But as an adult in college, I didn’t want someone telling me how to live my life or trying to guide me. I had enough of that from my parents.”
“So you broke up with him?” Jason asked.
Caesar glanced off into the distance. “He broke up with me. We argued a lot, so…”
“Sorry to hear that,” Jason said.
Caesar looked surprised. “Are you?”
“Yeah, because if we couldn’t be together, then at least there should have been a good reason. If you two were still a couple, us splitting up would have been justified.”
Caesar considered him carefully. “So you’re saying, since it didn’t work out with Nathaniel, that you and I should have stayed together instead.”
Jason felt surprisingly vulnerable, so he changed topics. “Just a random observation. How’s the Hubbard family? Any new members?”
Caesar chuckled. “No. After you, my parents weren’t so keen on adopting anymore.”
Jason grinned. “I do make an impression, don’t I?”
“Us making an impression together was the real issue,” Caesar replied.
That certainly brought back memories. Rather than dwell on them, Jason moved on to the next burning question. “How’s Amy doing?”
Caesar beamed. “She’s discovered boys. I’m afraid she takes after me in that regard.”
“Meaning?”
“That she’s already breaking hearts at fifteen.”
“So many boys, so little time?”
“Exactly, although her most recent boyfriend knows how to keep her attention. Real smart guy, honor student, runs clubs instead of just joining them. He’s highly political too, and not that it matters, but he’s black. I only mention that because—”
“Your parents,” Jason said, nodding his understanding.
“Yeah. They’re less than thrilled, but these days Amy isn’t concerned with pleasing them.” Caesar looked proud. “She’s got a good head on her shoulders.”
Jason smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.”
“Yeah.” Caesar said. “The others haven’t changed so much. Carrie dropped out of college and does data entry, probably so she can listen to music while she works. Peter still worships my father and follows in his every footstep.”
“And you’re the perfect son, running the family business, just like daddy always wanted.”
Caesar’s face grew dark. “You know what? Maybe we should go inside. I could use a drink.”
Jason was taken aback by this, but agreed. They managed to get a table away from the grills, one next to a giant fish tank that—while pretty—ensured that Jason wouldn’t be ordering any seafood. He decided to stay sober too, sticking with cola. Caesar ordered a saké at room temperature.
“It’s the only way to drink it,” he insisted. “So how’s your love life?”
“Mine?” Jason asked. “Great! Yeah. It’s really good. … Actually maybe it’s just average. At best. Does that sound right?”
Caesar chuckled. “You tell me. Is there anyone special?”
Jason gave the question thought. “There is, but we’re sort of estranged. He had just come out of a long ugly relationship and was heading to the Coast Guard, so we put everything on hold.”
“And never picked things up again?” Caesar cocked his head. “Well, maybe that’s your answer. If you were meant to be together, one of you would have done something desperate by now. Like showing up out of the blue.”
“Cute,” Jason said, but he didn’t mean it sarcastically. “So what about you? Any secret lovers texting you obsessively?”
“Nope,” Caesar said. “This time I’m all clear.”
In the condensation on his glass, Jason drew spirals and considered Caesar. Is that what this was? Another time? A new beginning? He tried to picture being with Caesar again, but not having to sneak around or compete with anyone. Would they start a life together? Would this lead to a wedding, Jason finally becoming a Hubbard after all? The idea of seeing Caesar’s parents again made his stomach turn.
“So where do you live?” he asked. “You’re done with school, right?”
“Yeah,” Caesar said. “No more school. As for where I live, I’m still trying to figure that out.”
Jason shook his head, not understanding. “Is working for your dad that flexible? I always imagined you moving back to Houston after college.”
Caesar emptied his little cup of saké and refilled it from the jug. “I kept my apartment in Connecticut. The same one I had through college. Work required me to fly a lot, so it didn’t really matter where I lived, or the car I owned, because I was rarely ever home.”
“Past tense,” Jason pointed out.
Caesar met his eye and nodded. “That’s right. Two months ago, my father fired me.”
“Geez,” Jason said. “I’m sorry to hear that. What was the reason?”
“The reason?” His laugh was bitter. “Well, the biggest one is Peter. The little shit always wanted my life, and now he’s got it.” Caesar exhaled. “You know what? That’s not even fair. My father groomed me to be someone I’m not. Unlike Peter, who was born to be a cut-throat businessman. Eventually, my dad figured that out. The son he always wanted was under his nose this whole time. Good for them. They deserve each other.”
“But for your own dad to fire you like that,” Jason said. “That’s cold!”
Caesar read his fa
ce before his eyes twinkled. “Well, there might have been a small incident with a client.”
“Ah,” Jason said. “Let me guess. Did your dad walk in on you and this client sleeping together?”
“No.” Caesar laughed. “I know history repeats itself, but thankfully, no. I didn’t sleep with the client. His wife, on the other hand…”
“Check please!” Jason said, but not loud enough for the waiter to actually hear him.
“It’s not as sleazy as it sounds,” Caesar said. “We weren’t just boning. We really cared about each other. Besides, this was in Switzerland. I figured marriages were a little more open over there.”
“So the client walked in on you?”
Caesar sighed. “No, his wife told him. They had a pretty messed-up relationship, and in the heat of an argument one night, she wanted to hurt him. So she revealed it all.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. This was a very big contract—a lot of money, so Dad was furious. By that time, I think he’d already figured out Peter was the better man for the job, so he cut me loose. I mean that more than financially. Neither of my parents is real keen to talk to me right now.”
Caesar didn’t sound too sorry about this. Jason wasn’t either. That Caesar no longer lived according to his parents’ wishes was great. And yet, it didn’t change the past. Or what had happened between them.
“So your life fell apart,” Jason said, “and the first thing you do is track me down?”
“Not the first thing,” Caesar said. “I have a little money saved up, so I took some time out for me. Just to relax and finally take a break from years of trying so hard. I couldn’t sit around my apartment forever though.”
“And so you decided to come see me?”
Caesar set down his drink and leaned back. “You sound surprised.”
“Yeah, of course I am, because I was always your second choice. Third or fourth, depending on how many there have been after you and Nathaniel broke up.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The first time you were single again, you could have come back for me. Or at least called.”
“Would you have wanted me to?”
“Yes!” Jason said, feeling exasperated. “You have no idea how lonely I’ve been. Most of the years we’ve been apart, I haven’t had anyone, so yeah, I totally would have welcomed a call from you. Or anything else.”
“I thought about it,” Caesar said. “I phoned Steph sometimes. When you were living together. Did you know that?”
Jason shook his head.
“I made her promise not to tell, but I was never sure… Anyway, I always asked her if you were okay, and she said you were, that you were getting back on your feet. I didn’t want to ruin that by showing up in your life again.”
“And now you do?”
Caesar eyed him. “Now I hoped enough time had gone by for you to forgive me. You were a boy back then, Jason. Now you’re a man, and the whole world can see that beautiful face of yours. When did you cut your hair?”
Jason didn’t answer. Instead he tried to decide if this was worth it. Revisiting old wounds and feeling hurt all over again. Was that worth being able to reach across the table and touch the scruff on Caesar’s cheek? Or feel it prickle against his lips when they kissed. Was it worth it?
He decided it was. Even for just one more night with Caesar, he was willing to pay that price.
“Yes,” he said out loud. Then his face flushed.
Caesar studied him for a moment before smiling. “If I’m able to guess the question you just answered, do I get a prize?”
Jason raised an eyebrow. “Play your cards right, and you’ll get one no matter what.”
The rest of the meal was more relaxed. They laughed over old memories and pumped each other for more information about people they had once known. When they were finished eating and had returned to the parking lot, Caesar began to stumble and weave dramatically.
“Guess I drank too much!” he said.
“After all that food, I doubt you’re drunk at all.”
“Oh, I am,” Caesar insisted. “I shouldn’t drive in this condition. Can you give me a lift back to my hotel?”
Well played indeed. Jason was a willing victim to this con. He drove Caesar across town to his hotel, even pulled into a parking space, but when he stepped out of the car, he left the engine running.
“You’re not coming inside?” Caesar asked. “I’ve got photos of Amy’s first homecoming.”
“Using photos of your little sister to get laid?” Jason tsked disapprovingly. “That’s low. Even for you.”
Caesar walked around the car, stepping dangerously close to Jason. “I have other things I can offer instead.”
Jason dodged a kiss. “Not on the first date.”
“This isn’t our first date,” Caesar said. “Think how much history we have. Sometimes it feels like we were together for years and years because I never stopped thinking about you. Do you have any idea how often I looked you up, have nearly contacted you? I’ve dreamt of this day so many times, but I thought you’d never agree to see me again.”
“Lucky for you, I have terrible judgment.” Jason leaned forward and kissed him. Caesar reciprocated and pressed him up against the car. Their surroundings were almost forgotten until a child started laughing before being hushed by his parents.
“Turn off the engine,” Caesar said, “and come to my room. We have seven years to make up for.”
* * * * *
Jason had barely stepped into the hotel room before Caesar spun him around, shoved him against the wall, and started kissing him again. Opening one eye, Jason saw he’d had the decency to shut the door. Their privacy assured, his fingers went for the buttons of Caesar’s shirt but were pushed away.
“Nuh-uh,” Caesar said. “I’m in control.”
“How could I forget?” Jason said before his mouth was covered by another kiss.
He allowed himself be dragged farther into the hotel room, their lips never parting, and felt the edge of a bed against the back of his legs. This didn’t seem to be Caesar’s goal though, since instead of pushing Jason onto it, he took a step back.
“Can I get a ‘Hail Caesar’?” he asked.
“Oh, very funny.”
Caesar held up his hands. “Hey, it used to work.”
“When we were teenagers,” Jason said. “You’ll have to come up with a better line than that.”
“Okay,” Caesar said. “How’s this for a line? You weren’t my second choice. You were the right choice. I should have picked you instead. I was wrong.”
Jason stared at him. “That one works,” he breathed. “Whatever you want. Hail Caesar or anything else. You got it!”
Caesar smiled. “Let me undress you.”
Jason braced himself to have his clothes ripped off, but instead Caesar approached him slowly, gently rubbing his palms up his torso and along his ribs to pull off his shirt. Then Caesar’s hands went to Jason’s jeans, honey-sweet eyes on his as he unbuttoned and unzipped them. Jason sat on the edge of the bed so his pants could be taken off completely, Caesar tickling his feet before pulling off his socks. Soon Jason was left wearing only his underwear. Caesar offered a hand, helping him to stand again. Still gripping his palm, Caesar walked a circle around Jason, raising an arm and making him spin around like a ballerina.
“Just as beautiful as I remembered,” Caesar said. “Unless… No, that can’t be possible.”
“What?” Jason asked.
“Unless you’ve become even more handsome since we last met.”
Jason laughed. “You’re really laying it on thick, aren’t you?”
“It’s working,” Caesar said, nodding at the bulge in Jason’s underwear.
“That?” Jason said. “That’s just a sock I shove in my pants before every date. You’re going to be very disappointed.”
“I don’t think I will,” Caesar said, getting to his knees.
The last rem
aining item of clothing he removed with his teeth. Now Jason was nude while Caesar was still fully dressed. This made him feel vulnerable, like this was a prank and photographers would come barging into the room any second. Of course if they did, Caesar would be incriminated too, considering what he was doing with his mouth. Jason ran his fingers through Caesar’s hair, moaning gently as he closed his eyes.
The hair wasn’t right. William’s had never grown so long, and always felt a little dry and fluffy from all the chlorine. Jason’s brow furrowed. He opened his eyes and forced himself to look down. He wasn’t with William. He knew that. He was with someone else he loved, or had loved, and that was good enough—had to be or he’d never move on. William was gone and had been for years. Caesar was here, right now, and he needed to accept that, enjoy it, embrace it. No more longing for the hero who had ridden off into the sunset so long ago. Time to move on.
Jason reached down, grabbed Caesar’s wrist and pulled upward. Caesar took the cue and stood. Jason wasn’t as patient with him, or as gentle. After fumbling too long with the first button of the dress shirt, he tore the shirt open. That chest was familiar. The hair was thicker, the muscles a little softer than they once were, but Caesar’s body was still comfortably the same. Jason had tried dating occasionally in the last two years and had slept with even fewer guys. Those he did have sex with weren’t comfortable like this. Instead they were strangers in their appearance and habits and how they tasted and smelled. Usually Jason went home afterwards wishing for William. Maybe he should have been thinking of Caesar instead, since he was equally familiar.
Jason pressed his lips against the warm skin of Caesar’s neck while fumbling at his pants, licking and kissing his way down once he had them open. Caesar had obviously missed him just as much. He still talked all the time too, a million wishes and desires on his breath.
