“Jah, well, we will see if Der Herr chooses him again after what he has done.” She shook her head. “You know, maybe I should feel sorry for the bishop. How does he know you won’t cheat on him like you did with my brother?”
Beth’s mouth fell open. How could this woman be so cruel?
She finally found her voice. “Ach, I would never…” But she had, hadn’t she?
“Wouldn’t you? You’ve already proven how faithful you are. Or aren’t, rather.” Her sister-in-law spun around and headed for the door.
Beth gasped, but she had no retort.
Her sister-in-law turned and smirked. “That’s what I thought. Well, you and David will continue to get whatever you deserve, I suppose.”
Beth watched as her sister-in-law finally saw her way out. Good riddance. She always suspected that her sister-in-law hadn’t cared much for her, but her animosity and bitterness was unfathomable.
Ach, Lord, forgive me for my uncharitable thoughts. Please help her to find the peace she seeks.
FORTY-FIVE
Beth swiped away a tear as she turned over on her side, but that didn’t stop her pillow from becoming a soggy puddle.
Uri was gone. Her and David’s boppli was gone. And she’d never felt so alone in her life.
It was true that she and David had married. They lived in the same house. Shared the same bed. Ate at the same table. But something was missing in their relationship. It was as though they hardly communicated with each other. Didn’t know what to say or do in each other’s presence.
What if she couldn’t meet David’s needs? Would he seek fulfillment elsewhere? And what about the words her sister-in-law had spoken? Would she succumb to temptation again like she had with David? Prior to their affair, she never would have even contemplated such a thing, hadn’t thought she was capable of it. But now?
Ach, it felt like she hardly knew herself anymore.
She longed to patch this gaping hole in her heart, in her soul.
She’d prayed. She’d been forgiven. Yet she still lacked.
She wasn’t sure she could express her deepest thoughts to her husband. But she had to at least try.
~
David emerged from their master bathroom after his shower, looking quite refreshed from a long day of work. He wore the plaid lounge pants she’d bought him at Walmart, but went without the t-shirt that accompanied them. His hair, still slightly damp despite a quick towel dry, stuck up in a few places.
Beth tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. Was the handsome bishop really her husband? Man, he looked good. Too good. She’d wanted to have a serious conversation with him, but had difficulty concentrating on anything serious while he roamed their bedroom shirtless.
He sat on the edge of the bed and studied her as she sat in bed quietly reading. “Lieb, we can’t keep doing this.”
Indeed. She sat up straighter and closed her Bible. Not that she’d been gleaning much from it. Nee, she’d read the words but her thoughts had been elsewhere.
“Would you like to talk?” His eyes roamed to her Bible on the nightstand.
“About what?” She forced herself to stare at her hands.
His fingers glided over her forearm. Did he have any idea how his slightest touch affected her? Most likely not. He moved his hand away, leaving her longing for more.
“About what’s happened. What we’ve been through.” His eyes met hers. “I want you to open up to me, lieb. We are husband and wife. I want to be here for you. To meet your needs.”
Denki, Gott.
Did she want to talk about what all had happened? Jah, she did. But she was unsure how or where to start. She’d thought maybe he’d been insensitive not bringing it up. But perhaps the opposite was true.
A tear slipped down her cheek. “You’re sure?”
He nodded. “And certain.” He pulled her close. “Ach, I didn’t know you had any tears left to cry.”
“I’ve…we’ve lost so much.”
“I know.” His brow lowered. “I am sorry. I’m to blame for much of your grief.”
“Nee, it is my own fault. None of this would have happened if…”
“It’s true that we have done much wrong. But I also wouldn’t have one of my greatest blessings, had we not.” He picked up her hand and brought it to his lips. “And now that I have you, I can’t imagine living apart. You have come to mean much to me.”
His gentle ways and attractiveness could be frustrating at times, but she loved him all the same.
“Do you regret becoming mei fraa?” A deep frown etched his face and her heart ached at the uncertainty, the vulnerability in his voice.
She could no longer hold his gaze. Did she regret it? The sin, jah. Becoming David’s fraa? “Nee.”
He released a sigh of relief. “How can I help you, lieb?”
She shook her head. “Ach, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s just…I feel so alone.”
“I’m sorry I have been working so much lately. That’s what I do, how I deal with things.”
“I understand.” But, to her thinking, was he truly dealing with things, or simply distracting himself from reality? Other than his brief time of mourning when their son died, she had been unaware of the depth of David’s present pain. Nee, he was grieving, and his grief was as palpable as her own.
“If it seems like I’ve been cold toward you, just know that it’s not you. It’s me. Sometimes I forget all the wonderful blessings I still have in my life and dwell too much on the negative.”
Jah, she’d been doing the same thing.
He reached over and tapped her Bible. “We are not alone in this, Beth. Der Herr is with us.”
She looked away and shook her head.
“Do you not believe this is true?”
“Ach, it is hard to believe when we’ve had so much tragedy.”
“His love and His presence aren’t dependent on whether our lives are happy or sad. I do not know what the future holds for us. I hope that Der Herr will give us more kinner, but He may not.”
“I don’t know if I can handle that.”
“You can’t on your own, but with Gott’s help, you can. We can. We can do all things through Christ, ain’t so?”
She shrugged.
“Listen, Beth. We need to trust Der Herr. I hope it gets better for us, but it might not get better in this world. That is why Heaven will be so sweet. There will be no pain or suffering.” He reached for her hand and held it.
She nodded slightly.
“We must remember that this world is not our home. Heaven is. That is where our citizenship lies. Right now, we must keep our eyes fixed on Christ. He will walk with us in every circumstance. And when it gets too difficult for us to walk, that’s when He’ll pick us up and carry us, like a shepherd does with his sheep.” He turned her face toward him. “Beth, allow Christ to carry you through this.”
She shoved away a tear. “Ach, you are right.”
He opened her Bible, translating the words to English. “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. Der Herr will bring healing to our hearts, lieb.”
Hearing David’s words was a good reminder. He was indeed a good leader for their people. A good leader for their home.
“Come.” He reached for her hand. “Let’s pray.”
They both bowed their heads as David prayed aloud—something he didn’t typically do as an Amishman. But he must’ve sensed she needed to hear the words as well.
When she opened her eyes, he was staring at her, a question in his gaze.
“David, I…I need you to do something else for me.”
“What is it, liebschen?” He studied her countenance. “When you first came to me, I told you what’s mine is yours. Do you remember?”
She nodded. But at that time, what was his wasn’t hers. And she had no business taking it.
“I will give you anything you desire, so long as it is within my means.”
Ach, but she felt embarrassed by her requ
est. “Will you…hold me?”
A small smile lifted at the corner of his mouth, as though he harbored a secret. “I hold you every night, schatzi.”
“Nee, what I mean is…” She wasn’t sure she could utter the words aloud. Her cheeks felt like they might be on fire.
David lifted her chin with his index and middle fingers, bringing her gaze to his. He slid his hand down her cheek in a soft caress and she leaned into it, sparking a need that demanded fulfillment. “You wish to share our marriage bed?”
She nodded sheepishly. This was her husband. She should have no inhibitions. Yet she did. She and Uri had never had this type of conversation, which she now regretted. Maybe if they had…
“You’re sure? You are ready?” He carefully searched her eyes. As though his sole purpose in life was to grant her desires, to meet her needs. Ach, but she loved this man. “I’ve been waiting…hoping for you to open up to me lieb. To share all your thoughts. Your desires.”
Why had she doubted his love?
At her nod, he slipped his hand behind her head and waist, and pulled her close, lowering his lips to hers.
He pulled back after a few moments, his breath labored. “Ach, I’ve been aching to do that for months.”
She hungrily returned his kisses, allowing passion to consume her. To consume them. It was okay now, she reminded herself. They were husband and wife. Blessed by Der Herr.
Everything would be okay.
FORTY-SIX
David sat at the dinner table enjoying the meal of broccoli cheese soup and fresh bread his fraa had prepared. Ach, he’d been blessed. Although he was probably the most undeserving person he could think of. Nevertheless, he was grateful.
He still couldn’t get over the fact that the leaders agreed to allow him to keep his position as bishop. It was only by Der Herr’s favor for sure.
“I have to tell you about the meeting I had.” He tried to contain his merriment. Just the thought that the leaders had faith in him gave him an extra boost of confidence. Nee, Gott wasn’t done with him yet.
“With the ministers and deacon, jah?”
He nodded. “They have decided that I will remain bishop. But I will take a leave of absence for a time. You and I will be officially put in the Bann at the next meeting, as we expected.”
“But they want you to remain bishop? This is gut news, ain’t so?”
“Jah, but I don’t expect everyone to be happy about it.”
“Nee, Uri’s sister will not be. She had words with me.”
“Ach, what did she say?”
Beth shook her head. “Nothing worth repeating. She is upset.”
“And rightly so.”
“Jah.” Beth nodded. “Do you think many will leave because of this? She seemed to think so.”
“I think that is likely.” He shook his head. “Ach, it brings me sorrow that I have caused all this turmoil. I want to be a gut bishop. I want to serve Der Herr and His people as best I can.”
“You will. I am sure of it.”
“Denki for saying that.” He reached over and squeezed her hand. “You are a gut fraa to me. I do not deserve you.”
~
David reached for Beth’s hand, intertwining their fingers. For sure and certain, Der Herr knew what He was talking about when He’d said, It is not good that man should be alone. “I want to take you away. I want to take some time off to spend with my schatzi, to get to know you better, to strengthen our marriage.”
“But what will the leaders say? Will they approve?”
“I have spoken with them. They agree that a holiday might be gut for us.” He smiled. “What do you think?”
“Ach, I think it would be wunderbaar.”
“Do you know where you’d like to go?”
“Ach, I wouldn’t know.”
“Money is not a factor. And we are allowed to travel by air, if we wish.” He smiled.
“Ach, I’ve never been on an airplane. Wouldn’t it be scary way up in the sky?”
“They say it is safer than driving on the road. And people do it all the time and arrive safely to their destinations.” He raised a brow. “Would you like to fly?”
“It would be an experience, for sure and certain.”
David loved seeing the look of pleasure on her face. “What do you think about Hawaii?”
“Hawaii? I don’t know anything about it.”
“We will have to fly across the ocean. It is an island.” He walked to his office and pulled out his cell phone. He typed in ‘Hawaii’ and handed Beth the phone. “What do you think?”
Her mouth dropped open. “Ach, David! It is beautiful. I could never even dream of visiting such a place. I’d feel like I was in Heaven.”
“Hawaii, it is. We’ll go next week then.”
She pointed to the phone. “This is allowed? This computer?”
“It is only for the leaders and those with large businesses, who need them. I am not allowed to use it freely. There are limits. But I will need to use it to purchase plane and hotel tickets for us. This is okay.”
“Ach, I didn’t know.”
“Then I must be doing a gut job only using it when necessary if mei fraa doesn’t even know about it, ain’t so?”
“Either that or you are gut at keeping secrets.” Her brow quirked.
“I keep no secrets from you, lieb. My life is an open book. You may look at my phone anytime if you think I am hiding something. There was only one secret which you were aware of that has now been disclosed. To everyone.”
“Gut.”
“I desire a gut marriage between us. We can be honest with each other, ain’t so?”
“Jah.”
“Then let me be honest with you right now.”
She swallowed and nodded.
“I am crazy about mei fraa. I want to do everything I can to be the man she needs me to be. To meet her needs.”
“Ach, David.”
“I mean it. After Der Herr, you are the most important person in my life. I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt you.”
“What if…?” She let her voice trail off and looked away.
He lifted her chin, waiting for her eyes to meet his. “What if…what? I want to know what you are thinking.”
“Ach, it’s nothing really.”
“Tell me, lieb. Please.”
“What if your fraa Michaela were to come back?”
“Ach, Michaela is no longer mei fraa.”
“But you were never divorced, ain’t so?”
“Nee. But she is married to another and so am I. I will not leave you for anyone or anything. Not even for Michaela.”
She studied him. “You’re sure?”
“I’m more sure of that than anything. I’m in love with you, Beth.” He smiled, then bent down and kissed her lips.
FORTY-SEVEN
Beth could hardly believe she was presently soaring amidst billowy clouds. Like a sparrow. They reminded her of the sweet sticky cotton candy she and Uri had once indulged in at a local fair. Except these weren’t pink or blue like the yummy treat. But they were just as fun to behold.
Could the people on the ground even see them way up here? She peered out the window again. She could see mountains, but couldn’t make out anything specific. Ach, this was like a dream.
“What are you doing?” David looked out the window as well, his hand resting on her leg. His warmth seeped through the thin material of her dress. “See anything interesting?”
“Ach, jah. Everything.” She beamed.
“Having a gut time?” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.
Beth glanced around to make sure nobody had seen her husband’s forward behavior. “The best.”
“Gut. We will forget about all the bad that has happened and enjoy ourselves on this trip.”
Beth frowned. She could never forget. Especially about Uri. And their boppli.
David looked at her and apparently read her expression. “You are thinking abou
t something.”
“Jah. Little Jonathan.”
“You do not need to worry about him. He is with Der Herr. We will see him again before we know it.”
“How do you know that we will see him for certain? I don’t understand how you can say those words with confidence. It is hochmut to assume, ain't so?”
“Nee. Der Herr has showed me this in His Word.”
“How? Where? How can you say you know? This is fremda glava, strange belief, ain't so?”
“It wasn't strange to John, the apostle of Christ. He's the one who wrote about it.” He reached to grab his Bible out of his carryon bag. “Here, let me show you, lieb.”
He opened his Bible. “Listen carefully. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
“For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
“He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.” His eyes dropped to the end of the chapter. “He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.”
He turned to another passage. “Also, I found this in First John. He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life. These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God.”
Beth shook her head, still unbelieving. “But we have sinned greatly. I don't see how this can be so. We have done so much wrong. Der Herr cannot allow us into His presence, into Heaven.”
“See, that’s the thing, Beth. God's grace isn't contingent upon our works. It’s contingent on His work. And His work is finished. When He hung on the cross, He said, “It is finished.” He took her hand. “Paul called himself the chiefest of sinners and said that even he struggled to do what was right. Did you know that Paul wrote half the New Testament?”
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