by MJ Masucci
“She told me she did before we crashed. She said she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I screwed us up so much.”
The door to Xander’s room burst open, and a red-faced Jason Keene came thundering in with his twin brother, Daniel, behind him. He would have gotten to Xander’s bed if Peter hadn’t stepped in front of him. Jason kept his eyes trained on Xander and jabbed at the air.
“You son of a bitch! You got my daughter pregnant, and she almost died because of it. I ought to strangle you with my bare hands.”
He tried to lunge around Peter, but Daniel grabbed his arms to hold him back. Gabby Wilder sank to the chair in shock, put her face in her hands and started to cry.
“Mom, please don’t.”
“This is neither the time nor the place, Jason. My son was badly injured, too.” Peter said.
“He didn’t almost die. If he hadn’t gotten my Ava pregnant, she wouldn’t have hemorrhaged the way she did.”
The nurse came in to see what the reason was for all the yelling. “Folks there are sick people on this floor trying to rest. Either pipe down or I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
They apologized, and she left the room.
Jason pointed at Xander. “Forget you know my daughter. You will not see her ever again if I have anything to do with it. Just look at the things that have happened to her since she met you! She could have been killed by that maniac in New York and now this.”
Peter finally spoke up. “Jason, I think you have said enough. Did you forget that if my son wasn’t there, she could have been raped and murdered? Far be it for me to say that you owe him a debt of gratitude. Alexander was also not the one driving so maybe Ava should stay away from him. Things like this have never happened to him until he met your daughter.”
Jason was ready to start another verbal assault on both Peter and Xander when the doctor entered.
“I would appreciate if everyone could wait out in the hall so I can check my patient.”
Everyone left the room. The whole time Jason was yelling at Xander, he said not one word. He had tucked the box in his sling because he didn’t want him to see it. What would he do if he saw that Xander had intended to ask Ava to marry him? The doctor checked his shoulder and the dressing over his face.
“I think the nurse needs to change this. I’ll send her in.” He noticed the somber look on Xander’s face. “Are you okay? You went through a lot with your girlfriend. Do you want to talk to someone from Psychiatry?”
Xander looked up at the doctor. “Uh, no. But I do have something to ask?”
“What do you need?”
“No one will tell me anything about my girlfriend. They said she is in surgery now. Do you know anything?”
The doctor took pity on him. “I’m not supposed to reveal that information because of privacy laws. I did hear that she is in critical condition and still in surgery. I’m sorry, I heard that she had a miscarriage. That is all I can tell you.”
He walked out of the room leaving Xander alone with his thoughts. His baby was gone, and Ava was possibly going to be gone, too. He started to get worked up again and when the nurse came in to change his dressing and check his vitals. She found his blood pressure was very elevated. She called the doctor, who prescribed another sedative. Xander laid back and let the medication do its work drifting off to sleep. He had vivid dreams of the accident. He was searching for her, and he couldn’t find her.
Gabby Wilder was sitting next to his bed and heard him whimper several times. She stroked his hair, and he quieted down. Several hours later he woke up to a quiet room. His parents had gone home, and he was alone. He took the ring from its hiding spot and opened the box. Blood had seeped into the box, and the once dazzling diamonds were dulled by a dried brown haze. It didn’t matter because Ava was never going to wear this ring.
In the morning the doctor came to check on Xander. He was told that he would more than likely be discharged that Monday morning, just two short days from when the accident happened. He was going to travel home back to New York.
He had a plan, and it was based on the promise he made to himself and her as he performed CPR on her lifeless body. His mother came by when he was trying to eat breakfast. Gabby Wilder looked haggard and exhausted. The flesh under her eyes had become dark with circles, and she seemed to sprout wrinkles overnight.
“Hello, sweetie. I have some news about Ava.” She looked sad, very sad. He clenched the sheet in a fist, waiting.
“She is in stable but critical condition and in intensive care. She had a miscarriage that caused the hemorrhaging. The babies would never have survived an accident like that.”
Xander gripped his mother’s hand. “What do you mean babies?”
“Alexander, you’re hurting me.” He released his grip from her hand.
“What babies Mom?”
“She was pregnant with twins. Alicia told me that she heard the doctor say Ava would probably never conceive again. Her uterus was damaged, and she lost an ovary.” Xander grabbed the small pink container off the bedside table and vomited up whatever breakfast he had forced down.
“Oh my gosh, Alexander.” She ran out into the hall to get a nurse and rushed back into the room.
“I’m okay. It’s not every day you find out that your girlfriend miscarried both your babies.”
“Alexander, that is a horrible thing to say.”
He couldn’t contain his sorrow and his deep feelings of loss. He began to cry, and his mother held him against her. He was doing a lot of that these days, but he felt comforted by his mother. She used to comfort him this way when he was a child and skinned his knee or fell off his bike. Through the tears, he whispered, “I have to go.”
“Yes, we are going to New York tomorrow. We have a flight at 4:00 PM.”
“No, Mom. You don’t understand. I have to leave.”
She stepped back and looked into his bloodshot eyes, “You want to leave New York?”
He nodded.
“But New York is your home. You live and work there. We are there, why would you leave?”
“I can’t be around her anymore.”
“But she isn’t there; she is here.”
“The city is her. All the things we did, we stayed at each other’s homes, even the bad things that happened. They happened with us together. I can’t live there haunted by her memory.”
She held his head to her chest. “She isn’t dead Alexander. She will get better.”
He pulled away from his mother and looked in her eyes. “Do you know that she was so happy when she found out she was pregnant? She was scared but happy. She wanted many children, and now that’s been taken away. She will never have children of her own. It’s my fault this happened. She is going to be devastated when she finds out.”
“Why Alexander, why do you keep saying this is your fault? You weren’t driving the car, and you certainly didn’t cause the accident.”
“Because, Mom, if I had been honest with her from the beginning she wouldn’t have had to run. I failed her. I failed to protect her heart the way I promised.”
He took a deep breath and stared out the window. His mother, sensing he didn’t want to talk any longer, left the room. She came back a while later to let him know that Ava’s condition had been upgraded from critical to serious. They were going to move her to a private room later today.
Xander realized that his promise had been answered, and he had to do his part to stick to it. He asked his mother to get him some clothing to wear for the next day. His parents were no longer staying at Jason Keene’s house. Emotions between the two families were too volatile at the moment. They had moved to a hotel not far from the hospital.
“Mom, why don’t you go back to the hotel and rest. I’m fine. I need some sleep, and I don’t want you sitting here watching me.”
She agreed, saying she would be back later with his father to bring him clothes. After she had left, the doctor came to check his stitches and question him abou
t the pain in his shoulder. He removed the dressing to check the wound.
“The wound looks good. No redness or sign or infection. You will have a thin scar, but you were lucky it was right along the jaw line. It won’t be that noticeable. I’ll send the nurse in to put on a fresh dressing. I will be discharging you tomorrow morning since everything looks okay. You should follow up with your personal doctor when you get home.”
Xander grabbed the doctor’s sleeve as he was about to leave his bedside. “The young woman that was brought in with me, is she awake yet?”
“I don’t think so. But I heard she had been upgraded from critical to serious. That is good that she progressed overnight. She is young and strong, so her prognosis is more than likely good.”
He left the room to do his rounds leaving Xander with his thoughts. Throughout the day his parents visited with him, and an unexpected guest came to his room. Michael Keene entered his room right after his parents left the hospital for the day. Xander was surprised to see him because he had ruined his and Alicia’s special day.
Before Michael could speak, Xander apologized for the mess he created. “I know you and Alicia probably won’t forgive me but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
“I want you to know that we don’t blame you for what happened to Ava. That being said we do see fault in why it happened. I told you, to be honest with her and you didn’t do that. This could all have been avoided if you just told her the truth.”
He slid one of the visitor chairs over to sit by Xander’s bed.
Xander struggled for words to explain the torture he’d carried these past weeks.
“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t realize what I did to her, to you, to your family. Words can’t express the guilt I have. I will carry this with me the rest of my life.”
Michael chewed on the inside of his cheek. He looked as haggard as Xander’s mother did. Apparently, no one was sleeping because of this situation.
“You can make it up to her you know? You can work your way back to being the man you promised her you would be. Can you do that?”
Xander avoided looking at Michael. “I can’t.”
Michael looked at him incredulously. “What the fuck do you mean you can’t?”
“I need to leave her. It’s the best thing for both our families.”
Michael jumped to his feet. “NO, you can’t run like a coward. How could you be so selfish to make this decision without discussing it with her?”
Xander took a deep breath, “Because I made a promise to myself and her while she was dying on that hill, that if she lived, I would leave. Let her start her life fresh. She doesn’t need me messing things up for her any longer.”
Michael scratched at the stubble on his face. “You think that is going to solve things? She loves you. Think about how she is going to feel when you are gone?”
“She’ll get over it. It’s the best thing for everyone. Your father doesn’t want me around her, and I already proved I’m not good for her.”
Michael headed for the door then turned. “You might think this is the right decision, but it’s not. I stood up for you, but no more. My sister is already a physical mess. Now she will be an emotional mess when she finds out not only did she lose her pregnancy but you, too. I hope you are proud of yourself,” and he walked out.
Xander pressed the button to call the nurse and asked for a couple of things. As the day progressed, he finished the task he started out to do. He dozed and watched TV, but he couldn’t focus on any one channel. In the wee hours of the morning, he slipped from his bed and walked down the hall in his hospital gown. The nurse that took care of him had done him a favor; she had told him Ava’s room number. The door to her room was ajar.
He was shocked by her appearance even more than when she lay on the ground covered in blood. Her face was swollen, bruised and almost unrecognizable from the Ava he knew. She had several small cuts on her face, probably from the windshield glass. A large bandage was on her forehead and cheek. Her right leg was in a cast from ankle to thigh and held up by a traction device. Her left forearm also in a cast and two fingers were in splints. He felt tears spring to his eyes. He wanted to touch her but was afraid given all her injuries. She was hooked up to a heart monitor, and he sat in a chair near her bedside watching her for awhile.
His beautiful Ava was fighting for her life, and it was his fault. He gently stroked her right hand. He noticed her ring was gone but then again so was his. All that remained on his left ring finger was a tan line. Their bond was gone just like their rings. He kissed her bruised cheek and went to the locker across from her bed. In it were her personal items. He slipped the item he had worked on all day into the pocket of her sweater. He went to her bedside and leaned next to her ear.
“I want you for always, but it can never be. I will never stop loving you, Ava.” He moved the hair away from her neck and kissed it.
Xander was discharged from the hospital later in the morning. The Wilders drove to Atlanta International Airport to fly back to New York that afternoon. Xander said little for most of the day. His thoughts were on what was his next move for his future without the woman he loved. The flight back to JFK Airport was excruciating for him because he knew he would have to go back to his apartment. She had left things there that he would need to collect and bring back to her place. She had given him spare key weeks ago just as she had one of the key cards to his apartment. His parents knew he didn’t want to discuss anything and left him alone during the flight. He chose to take a separate cab back from the airport even though he could have used their assistance with his bag. He just wanted to get back to his apartment and start gathering together what would soon be his new life.
As the cab got closer to his building, he felt the tremendous weight of loss. He dawdled in the lobby dreading entering his apartment. The moment he slipped the keycard into the lock he had an overwhelming urge to vomit. He did so in the very spot Ava had found him the night he first professed his love for her, and she rejected him. The spot where he drank himself into a stupor, vomited all over himself and drunk dialed her. She cared for him that night; now he was sure she didn’t. He cleaned up the mess and proceeded to sweep the apartment of anything Ava. She had left clothing, jewelry, shoes and cosmetics as one normally does when they cohabitate. He gathered everything up and stuffed the washer full with anything that needed cleaning. He found a small suitcase that belonged to the set he used and placed all her belongings in it.
The last thing he did was add one of his own t-shirts. She loved sleeping in his shirts, and it comforted him to think that she had something of his close to her. He carefully penned a note to her and placed it in the case. He didn’t know if or when she would return to her apartment but at least when she did it would be there.
Chapter 27
Ava stirred in her hospital bed, and her eyes fluttered open. She had no idea what had happened to her or where she was. Her father stood next to her hospital bed smiling.
“Daddy?” Her voice was hoarse, almost a whisper.
“Yes, honey. How are you feeling?”
She lifted her casted arm, looked at her splinted fingers and leg held in the traction device.
“What happened?”
“You don’t remember?”
“I remember getting into your car and then the rest is a blur.”
“You had a bad car accident.”
Ava squinted her eyes trying to force herself to remember. She put her good hand over her mouth as a memory surged forth in her foggy brain.
“Xander. Where is he? Is he alright? I remember he was in the car with me.” When Jason hesitated, she became more insistent. “Daddy please tell me he’s alright? Has he visited me? Why isn’t he here? What about the baby, is my baby alright?”
Jason flinched when she mentioned the baby. “Xander is gone, sweetie.”
She started to sob. “No, No, No, he can’t be gone. I was driving. I killed him.”
“No, he isn’t dead. He left and went back to New York.”
She stopped crying and wiped at her tears. “Why didn’t he wait for me?”
“You’re getting too worked up. Why don’t we discuss this later? There are a few other things you need to know.”
Ava couldn’t put up much of an argument because the doctor and nurse had come to check on her. Jason left the room to contemplate how he was going to tell his daughter that she miscarried, that she had been pregnant with twins, and she would never conceive again. It turned out that the doctor did the job for him.
Jason walked back into the room after the doctor had left. She was staring at the wall, not saying anything. The numbness had seeped in and enveloped her entire being. She was never going to be a mother. Never going to experience the joys of seeing a child born of her take its first breath, walk its first step or get its first tooth. What’s more, she would never feel the twins that had been growing in her womb just forty-eight hours before. He father tried to touch her, but she shrugged him away.
“Leave me alone. I don’t want to be touched.”
Ava felt like her gut had been punched over and over. There was that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, gnawing, biting at her. She would never be the same.
Xander sat on the couch in his apartment, feeling much the same as Ava was in her hospital room. His father tried to convince him that leaving wasn’t the right course to take.
“I think you need to take some time and consider what you are doing. Just take a few days to think about it.”
Xander snorted. “All I’ve had is time to think about it. About what happened and why. How could you protect me? I’ve done some terrible things.”
“Alexander, it was a stupid prank. Are you going to blame yourself for the rest of your life? The guilt will eat you alive if you don’t let it go at some point.”
“I can’t let it go. I hurt people, and I hurt someone I loved deeply. Please don’t make my leaving any harder than it already it.”
He rose from the couch. His father hugged him. “Do you know where you are going? Your mother and I would like to know?”
