“Just get to class, Emily.” She said giving me a look.
I saw some students in the hall and as they passed by they fake coughed “slut” or “whore.” I kept walking and tried to ignore them.
Everyone seemed to notice how I was dressed. I didn’t dress to impress anyone so I can care less. I just came to tell Mrs. Diaz that I am going to move in with her and her husband and then I plan on ditching the rest of the day.
It bothered me when I didn’t see Bryan waiting at his locker for me. What’s that about? Maybe he’s doing to me what I did to him and Tiffany.
I got to class to find the first door locked. I went to the back door and walked in. The whole class stared at me. Alex turned around, found my eyes and smiled. It was a genuine smile but I didn’t return it. It would only fuel more rumors. That’s me. Getting other people involved in my shit. I looked for Mrs. Diaz but she wasn’t sitting at her desk like she regularly would.
I walked over to Tiffany’s desk. “Where is she?” I asked.
“First, why are you dressed like that? Second, we still need to talk about the party and third, she didn’t come in yet.” Tiffany said taking me in. Whoa. Why is she staring at me like that? “Are you okay? You don’t seem like…you.”
I glanced up at the clock, 8:10 am. Mrs. Diaz is never late. As my eyes lowered, I saw bright green eyes staring back at me. I saw his brown hair just above his eyebrows and then I saw those lips that I use to catch myself staring at months ago. Zach was staring back at me. He’s not in my class but I guess since the teacher isn’t here, he decided to stay. He was talking to a few guys near by. “Where’s Bryan?” I asked.
“He didn’t come in either. I texted him but I guess he’s sleeping.”
I heard the whispers starting. It’s all getting to me now. It’s too much to handle. I don’t know why I came today. I stood up and started walking toward the front of the class.
As I walked by Zach’s friends, I tripped. I saw someone’s leg popping out of its desk but I was too late to react. I landed on Zach’s chair. Oh, for the love of God. He caught me by the arms and whispered, “If you wanted me so much, you could just ask.”
I looked up at him. Rage burning in my eyes. What an ass.
“You have a girlfriend and I would rather die then be with you.” I said. He stared back at me then let me go. I don’t know what’s going on with him and Sophie but it must be bad because he’s talking to me. They usually ignore me.
I got to Mrs. Diaz’s desk and got out a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote: Call me or my mom, I will take you up on the offer if it still stands.
I felt someone put their hands on my back. I tensed up and said “Get your hands off me.”
“Don’t be mean, Emily. I just came to talk to you.” Zach said. I finished writing: They’re moving this weekend. Get back to me ASAP. Emily. Zach slid his hand down to the small of back. I slammed the pen on the desk and turned around to face him. He pressed his body against mine. I tried shoving him away but he bent down to my ear and said, “I just want to spend some time with you. Like old times.” Okay, gross. Now I know he’s trying to get back at Sophie. Maybe she said something and he didn’t like it.
“You’re forgetting about Sophie.” I said.
“We had a fight.” He said with a shrug. Then he leaned into me even closer. What is he doing? I tried pushing him off me but he wouldn’t budge.
This reminded me of the party and what happened over the weekend.
I panicked and slapped him. Shit.
It sounded like it hurt. I don’t care. He backed off me and pressed his hand to his face. I shoved him against the white board because I wasn’t thinking.
“Crazy bitch. Nobody wants a whore anyways.” Zach said under his breath. Okay, I know he’s got problems and he wants to act tough in front of everyone but that was what he said that night at the party. He said I was a whore and nobody would want me.
I stared at Zach and stepped closer to him. I felt all the rage build up in me. All my strength that was weakened at that party. How I couldn’t defend myself. It all flowed to my right arm and I punched him. It must have been hard because he was on the floor holding his nose.
I took a step back and saw Tiffany walking toward me.
I walked out of the class and slammed the door behind me. I ran down the stairs and left through a side door. Thankfully I left before teachers and the principal found me. I don’t care where I end up. I just need fresh air…and Bryan. So that’s where I went.
I ended up at Bryan’s in less then ten minutes. I knocked on the front door and rang the doorbell. I heard noise coming from inside then Bryan opened the door wearing only sweats. OMG! Hot!
“What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at school?” He asked covering up a yawn.
“I could ask you the same thing!” I said.
He let me in and we walked to his room where he put a shirt on.
“Emily…what are you doing here?” I sat down on his bed.
“I don’t know. I just needed to talk. Why didn’t you go to school?” I asked. The curtains where closed but it was still bright in his room. He laid down beside me and told me to get comfortable.
“I didn’t want to. You have been avoiding me all weekend so I guess you didn’t want to see me there.” He said. I looked up at him.
“Why would you think that? I just had a rough weekend. Seeing you at school is what brightens my day.” I said. And that’s true. We stayed quiet for a while until Bryan turned on the TV. “Where’s your sister. I thought she starts work at ten.” His sister, Ella, hates me. I don’t know what about but she just does. I kind of got Bryan into drinking and she found out. It’s not like I planned it. I didn’t shove the beer down his throat.
I glanced at my phone, it’s only eight-thirty.
“She left with Mom. They had to do something. They’re coming late if that’s what you want to know.” I smiled. That was great news. A whole day with Bryan…I couldn’t ask for more.
“That’s good. I can take one Vincent mad at me, not two.” I said. He turned to look at me. Oh…those eyes. Bryan put his arm around me and squeezed.
“I’m not mad at you. I thought you were mad at me because I was telling you to lay off the alcohol and you didn’t tell me you were moving. That hurt.” He said.
“I don’t think I could ever be mad at you.” I said.
We’re really close, so close that I feel his breath on my cheek. I nestled my head onto his chest and inhaled. We use to spend a lot of time like this. I need something normal in my life. I need this. He didn’t tell me to move so I guess he doesn’t mind.
My eyes fluttered close then I fell asleep. I feel safe. I know that when I’m with Bryan nothing bad can happen to me. Nothing.
I woke up around three.
“Well, I thought you would never wake up.” Bryan said.
“Ohmygod, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep so easily and for so long.” I moved my head to a pillow and glared at him.
“Em, it’s all right. It was nice spending time like this. I mean…I’m not a creep who watches beautiful woman sleep.” I smiled as our eyes met. “I didn’t know that you talked in your sleep though.” I widened my eyes in horror. What could I have said? I hope I didn’t talk about what happened. “Well you didn’t really talk, you groaned and I swear you were going to punch me. Bad dream?” I put my hands to my mouth. Zach.
“Hold on.” I got up and went to the bathroom down the hall. I should just tell him, right? Zach was an asshole anyway, he deserved that punch. What he did to me when we dated, he deserved more than that punch.
I walked back to Bryan’s room and laid back down on his bed. “I didn’t tell you what happened at school with Zach.” I said. He moved closer to me and put his hand on my arm.
“Are you okay? He didn’t…” I told him about Zach abusing me. Bryan called it abuse…I called it letting anger out. I don’t really care what it was called. Zach just kind of slapped
me one day. It’s not a big deal. It just happened and then it was over. Bryan wanted to knock some sense into Zach but I told him to drop it, he became very protective of me after that.
“No…he didn’t. But he said a few things and I…I punched him.”
“What? You are never violent…with anybody.” I looked down at his shirt. That’s what I thought too. “What did he say?” It took me a while to answer. It was getting dark in his room so it was harder to see his face when I looked up at him. “Em, what did he say?”
“You know this and that. Don’t worry about it. I dealt with it.” I said turning on my back and staring at the ceiling. “I think he tried to kiss me. I tried pushing him off but he wouldn’t move. I slapped him then he said… forget it.” I said.
“What is it?” Bryan asked propping himself up on his elbow.
“Do you believe the rumors at school?” I asked glancing at him, squinting to see if I could locate his eyes. “That I sleep around?”
“How could you ask me that, Em? You know I don’t believe them.”
I actually don’t know. I can’t read minds.
“You can tell me the truth. I won’t be mad.” I lied. If he really does believe them, I don’t know what I would do. But I do want to know.
“No, I never believed them. I know you. You’re not that kind of girl.” He said. My heart skipped a beat.
I grabbed onto a piece of his shirt and played with it. “At the party…the one where I kissed you… I had the biggest crush on you. I told you this but hear me out.” I said. He was silent so I took that as my cue to go ahead. “I had the biggest crush on you but I was with Zach. I wasn’t happy with him. Not all the time. I always wondered if maybe life would have been different if I went out with you.” I let out a breath. “We had this fight because I was drinking and he left me there. You were there for me. You’re always there for me. After I kissed you, all the rumors started and I had to let you go. I always thought that maybe you believed them and you wouldn’t want to be with me. But what Zach said at school was true. Everyone in school thinks I’m a whore. Nobody wants me. I stayed friends with you but it kills me to see with other girls. I really like you but–”
He leaned closer to me and said, “Don’t think about that.”
I sighed. It’s true. He’s with a lot of girls and none of them are me.
“What do you want me to think about then?” Please tell me. Anyone. Because all I can think about is kissing him.
“Me.” He said. What? Bryan hesitated but then leaned into me. “Think about us.” I felt his lips on mine a second later.
This is really happening. OMG! This is really happening.
I need to feel alive again. After everything that happened to me…
I need this. Right?
I kissed him back.
I want this. Is it wrong that I was just raped and I’m seeking comfort from my best friend…who happens to be a guy?
He rested his body lightly on mine. I can’t believe this is happening. I thought he never thought of me like this before. I stayed friends with him because I thought he didn’t want to do anything more from there. All this time…or is he just saying it now? Because I’m vulnerable right now…I don’t care. I want this.
We made out a little longer until I rolled him over so I was straddling his lap. He broke the kiss and said, “Emily, what are you doing? We are not going to–”
I kissed his cheek, his chin, his neck, then I nibbled his earlobe. Yum.
“Can’t we just do something irresponsible for a change?” I asked. He didn’t budge. I grinded my hips into his and still nothing. Then I kissed him on the lips. I felt his body jerk under me and he turned me over. That’s better. Bryan kissed me harder. He’s a good kisser…and he’s making me feel like me again.
I felt for the end of his shirt and lifted it over his head. “We can wait. We don’t have to do this.” He said waiting for an answer. I didn’t like having him on top of me. It’s dark and it brought back the memories of the party, that night. I was raped. I shouldn’t be doing this. But I don’t care anymore. I pushed those memories aside and once again turned him over. I took off the sweater I was wearing and threw it somewhere on the floor.
“I’m sure. You have a condom, right?” I asked. He reached over to his nightstand and opened a draw. I brought my lips back to his as he felt for the hem of my tank top. He lifted it over my head and rested his hands on my hips. I like the way this feels. It never felt like this with Zach.
Bryan moved his hands up my sides and my heart started racing. He passed his hand over the cut and I winced. Shit, he felt me move. “You okay?” He asked.
“I’m fine.” I kissed him again, trying to forget about the cut. He ran his hand over it again and I winced once more.
“What is that? Is that a band aid? Let me see that.” He pushed me onto the bed and I rolled onto my back as he got up.
“God Bryan, it’s nothing.” I said annoyed. I got up and looked for my shirt. I found it on the bed. As I put it over my head, Bryan turned on the light.
“What the fuck, Em. How did that happen?” He asked walking up to me. “Emily, how did you get that?” I grabbed the sweater off the floor and put it on. He saw my wrists while in the process. “Ohmygod…Emily, tell me what the fuck happened to you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I grabbed my phone and walked out of his room. I can’t tell him. We were just about to have sex. Why did I do this? I should have never come here. You’re a whore.
“Emily?” He grabbed my arm and I stopped but I didn’t turn around.
“Bryan, just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk about it. I shouldn’t have come here. We shouldn’t have…I’m sorry. I gotta go.” I walked down the hallway and grabbed the front door handle.
“Emily, you can talk to me. Was that Zach? Did he do that at the party?” He looked at me and his eyes widened. “Did Alex do that to you?”
“No! God Bryan, just let me go. I don’t want to talk about it. Just forget about what happened right now. Forget about me. I only mess up people’s lives.” I snapped.
I opened the front door as Bryan’s mom stopped short.
“Emily…? What a nice surprise. Are you staying?” She asked.
“Hi…Mrs. Vincent. No. Sorry. I can’t. I just came by for a few minutes. I have to go.” I said. I need to leave this house.
“Yes of course, tell your mom I say hello.” She said.
I let her walk in then I walked out. Wendy’s nice…she must think I’m nuts…I never walk out of their house like that. I closed the door behind me and went down to the driveway.
I just now remembered it was dark outside. Shit!
I wasn’t going back in that house though.
Someone grabbed my shoulder and I jumped. “Hey, it’s only me. Emily, talk to me. How do you expect me to see you like that and not worry?” Bryan said. I looked down at the ground but he tilted my chin up to face him. “What happened?” I turned to walk away. I can’t do this. I’m a water fountain now. The tears just keep coming out. What was about to happen with Bryan was going to be amazing and I just ruined it. The stupid cut ruined it. “At least let me give you ride. It’s dark and if something happened I don’t know what I would do.”
If only he knew that something already happened.
I reluctantly got into his car.
It was the quietest five minute drive to my house ever.
I stopped him from saying something when he turned of his car.
“Bryan, don’t. I said I don’t want to talk about it. I know that you’re very protective but you can’t…you couldn’t this time. I’m sorry.”
He held my hand and turned towards me.
“What happened at my house…that was real. I care about you. You can trust me. If you don’t want to talk about it then don’t. I won’t pressure you. But I will find out sooner or later. If someone hurt you, I will find them and–”
“Don’t try and get hurt f
or me.” I said. He stared at me with those eyes. “I’m not worth it.” Before I could say anything else, Bryan’s lips were on mine. It was probably two seconds but I didn’t mind.
“You are worth it.” He said.
I opened the passenger side door and got out.
“Just forget what you saw, Bryan.” I said.
He was about to say something else but I walked towards my house, turning my back to him.
I can’t look at him and not tell him everything.
Someone already knows what happened and let’s hope that he doesn’t tell anyone.
4. The Truth
As I walked inside the house, Declan was about to walk into the kitchen but turned my way instead. “Hey, you’re home late. Where were you? School ended two hours ago. Oh and Tiffany came by and asked for you, too.” He said.
I headed up the stairs.
“If anyone comes by, tell them I’m not here.” I said.
“Did you get into a fight with your friends?” He asked concerned.
Sorry, big brother. I’m not in the mood.
“Yeah, something like that. Don’t tell them I’m here, okay?”
“Yeah, whatever you say.”
I walked up to my room and closed the door. I made sure my iHome was on, my window curtains were closed, checked my closet and then I laid in bed.
Christina Perri’s The Lonely played. I cried to it because how it relates to me. The lyrics really hit home but I just couldn’t find the strength to get up and turn it off.
I can’t take what happened today. School, Bryan, everything. At the end of the day, all that was on my mind was what happened to me. I don’t want to talk about it with anyone. Not even Alex. Especially because he saw part of it. I just don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or to say that I deserved it because of the rumors. But in the back of my mind, I feel like I do deserve it. People see who I show them. Do I come off as a whore?
I got a few texts from Bryan but I turned my phone over and closed my eyes. I can’t do this right now.
***
It’s Thursday. I’ve been in the fetal position on my bed for a while now. Strength is something I don’t have anymore. School is something I can’t seem to get up for either. My iHome finally gave out because it was constantly going. My phone is dead. I need to shower and nobody has bothered me. I wondered about that but Declan did bring me food. I never touched it. I couldn’t.
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