by Amanda Abram
I glanced out my window to see if Dylan was still standing in the doorway, looking out at me, but he wasn’t. The door was closed. And I would never see him again.
“Are you okay?” Lauren reached back and gave me a light pat on the knee.
No, I wasn’t. I was on the verge of breaking down. There was a hard lump in my throat that was threatening to dissolve at any moment, and when it did, there would be no way anyone—not even Lauren—could console me.
When I didn’t answer, Lauren turned back around in her seat. “We’ll bring you home, okay?”
“Okay,” I solemnly agreed, but then Jake put the car in drive, and I found myself saying, “No, wait.”
“You still want to go to Winter Formal?” Lauren asked, surprised. “Well, we’ll still have to bring you home first to get your shoes—”
“No, not Winter Formal,” I said, my voice hardening as my hands formed into fists in my lap. “I want to go see Elijah.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
I stomped up the front steps of Elijah’s house and pounded on the door as hard as I could. When nobody came to the door after a few seconds, I began pounding with both fists as I yelled out, “Elijah, open up!”
Finally, the door swung open and I found myself face-to-face with Elijah who, after taking in my appearance, stared out at me like I had gone insane. “Cassie? What’s going on?”
“Can I come in?” I asked, but then pushed past him inside the house, not bothering to wait for an invitation.
“Um, okay,” he said slowly. He shut the door and turned to me with an arched eyebrow. “But I’m kind of in the middle of somethi—”
“Don’t worry, this won’t take long.” I folded my arms tightly over my chest and spun around to face him. “You’re a jerk,” I said bluntly.
He blinked in confusion before slowly narrowing his eyes. “Excuse me?”
“I said you’re a jerk.” I began to pace back and forth in front of him. “Where the hell do you get off?”
“What—”
“You drove him away!” I exploded. “He’s leaving because of you! And he’s never coming back!”
“Whoa, Cassie, calm down,” Elijah said, reaching out and lightly grabbing my arms to stop me from pacing. “What are you talking about? Who is leaving?”
“Dylan. He’s moving to Seattle with his father. Tomorrow.”
His jaw dropped slightly at that. He appeared to be surprised by the news, which made sense. Of course, Dylan hadn’t told him either. They still weren’t talking to each other.
“Dylan is moving?” he said slowly.
“Yes. And all because of you. Because you shut him out of your life and convinced your friends to do the same. And because you couldn’t just be happy for us—your best friend who is like a brother to you and the girl you claim to care about so much.”
He opened his mouth to defend himself, but he didn’t deserve the opportunity, so I just kept going.
“I get it. You think Dylan betrayed you, but guess what? You betrayed me when you kissed Hannah, yet I was able to find it in my heart to forgive you. Why couldn’t you do the same for Dylan?”
Once again, Elijah tried to respond, but I just really didn’t care to hear what he had to say. I had so much I needed to get off my chest.
“I broke up with him to make you feel better so you could mend your friendship with him, but it didn’t work, did it? Why? Because you’re a selfish, inconsiderate dick.”
“Cassie—”
“No,” I cut him off. “You don’t get to say anything. You’ve already said enough. I was way too nice to you after you cheated on me. I even considered giving you a second chance because I loved you so much when we were together, and because I know you’re not a bad guy. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. But I also know that you kissed Hannah because you’re still in love with her.”
“I’m not—”
“Yes, you are. You just can’t admit it to yourself because she hurt you once and you’re afraid she’ll hurt you again. You wanted so badly for me to take you back because I was the safe option. Because I never would have left you for someone else like she did. But this ‘love’ that you feel for me isn’t real, Elijah. If it was, you would want me to be happy. You would want what’s best for me. Instead, you pushed Dylan away so hard that he’s leaving. For good. And I am so…” I paused as my voice broke. As a fresh set of tears began to blur my vision. “I am so sad right now that I can’t even be as mad at you as I want to be, and that sucks.”
“Cassie,” Elijah tried again, but I waved my hand out in front of me to stop him.
“Don’t. I don’t want to hear your weak defense or justification of why you treated Dylan the way you did after finding out about us. I don’t want to hear an apology either, because I know you’re not going to mean it. In fact, I really don’t want to hear anything from you ever again, because I’m done with you. I will never forgive you for this.”
Elijah said nothing. He just stood there looking dumbfounded and shocked as I brushed past him and let myself out, making sure to slam the door as hard as I could behind me.
My blinding anger slowly dissipated as I made my way back to Jake’s car. I thought telling off Elijah would make me feel better, but it didn’t. If anything, it made me feel worse because it accomplished nothing. Dylan was still leaving. And my heart was still breaking.
I just hoped in some small way, maybe Elijah’s was too.
◆◆◆
“Are you sure you don’t want to go home?”
I glanced around the gym at all the happy couples swaying back and forth to the love ballad currently blaring out of the speakers and shook my head.
“I’m sure,” I said, answering Lauren’s question.
She and Jake had both been watching me with concern ever since we arrived at the dance—like they thought I was about to break down into tears at any moment, and they wanted to be there for me when I did. They were apparently so concerned that they didn’t even dare to leave me alone to go dance with each other.
After leaving Elijah’s house, Lauren and Jake were ready to just take me home and spend the entire evening with me. Jake had suggested ordering pizza and teaching us how to play Dungeons & Dragons. But I shot down that idea and insisted we still go to Winter Formal. I knew Lauren wouldn’t go without me, and I didn’t want her to miss out on her special night with her boyfriend. And I guess I thought it would distract me somehow. Listening to loud music, making fun of all the bad dancing, watching teachers reprimand couples who were getting too handsy with one another. It had to be better than moping around at home, right?
Nope. So far, it was just as miserable. Because I wasn’t supposed to be here as a third wheel to Lauren and Jake.
I was supposed to be here with Dylan.
“Will you two please go dance with each other already?” I said to them. I motioned toward the crowd of other couples dancing. “I didn’t insist we still come here so that you guys would just stand around with me all night. Go have fun. Dance your hearts out or whatever.”
Lauren and Jake exchanged a glance and a shrug. “I hate this song,” Lauren said, at the exact same time Jake said, “I don’t really like dancing anyway.”
I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, you can leave me alone for a few minutes. I’m going to be okay.” I placed one hand on Lauren’s shoulder and one on Jake’s and gave them a light push towards the dance floor. “In all honesty, I could use a break from you two.”
I gave them a playful smirk to let them know I was just teasing, but I wasn’t completely lying. I did kind of want to be alone for a while so I could wallow in self-pity without feeling like I was bumming them out and ruining their evening.
Finally, Lauren caved and grabbed Jake’s hand. “Okay, fine. We’ll dance to the rest of this song and maybe one more after that, but then we’re coming back to hang out with you.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” I began to shoo them away. “Go have fun. Oh, and keep
your hands where I can see them.”
Lauren winked. “I’m not making any promises.”
Jake’s eyebrows shot up as she led him over to the dance floor. I smiled as I watched them go, but as soon as they disappeared into the crowd, my smile vanished.
At least now I had a few moments where I didn’t have to pretend to be okay.
Realizing I was thirsty, I made my way over to the refreshments table to get myself a cup of punch. By the time I arrived, I was relieved to hear the sappy love ballad had come to an end and was replaced by a much more upbeat dance song. I poured myself some punch and was just about to take a sip when I felt someone tap on my shoulder.
I turned around to see Tiana, who was looking gorgeous in a sparkly green dress, smiling at me.
“Hey, Cassie,” she said. “You look gorgeous.”
“Thanks. So do you,” I said, returning her smile. Before coming here, Lauren, Jake, and I made a pit stop at my house. I got my mom’s heels, brushed my hair, and finished my makeup. I now looked a hundred percent better than I felt.
“Would you like to dance with us?” she asked me, motioning to the person standing next to her.
I glanced at Hannah, who was so beautiful in her pale blue strapless dress that it was almost painful to look at her. She was smiling, which just added to her beauty, but I could tell it wasn’t a happy smile. It was a sad one. Like she pitied me or something.
“Um, maybe a little later,” I said politely, even though I had no intention of dancing with anyone.
“Okay, cool. We’ll check back in a few!” Tiana grabbed Hannah’s hand and began to pull her away, but Hannah stopped after a few steps and said something to her that I couldn’t hear. Tiana nodded and let go of her before taking off in the direction of her other friends.
Hannah cautiously made her way back over to me. “So, um, Lauren told me about Dylan,” she said. “Cassie, I’m so sorry. Are you going to be okay?”
Going to be? Probably. Eventually. I wasn’t okay right now, but that wasn’t the question, so I simply nodded and said, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
Hannah shook her head and frowned. “I can’t believe he’s leaving, and he didn’t tell anyone. What a jerk.” She looked angry for a moment but then her features softened, and she sighed. “Oh, who am I kidding? Dylan is the furthest thing from a jerk, and I’m going to miss him like crazy.”
“Yeah,” I said, swallowing hard. “Me too.”
“But maybe he’ll decide to come back after break,” Hannah said with so much hope in her voice that she almost had me believing that was a possibility. “Maybe he’ll hate Seattle. Or, better yet, maybe he’ll realize he can’t stand living thousands of miles away from you.”
“Yeah. Maybe.” But probably not, I added inside my head.
“Well, I should get back to Tiana.” Hannah reached out and gave my arm a gentle, comforting squeeze. “Hang in there, Cassie.”
I just nodded and took a sip of my punch as she turned and headed back into the crowd.
I wasn’t into drinking alcohol, but I suddenly found myself wishing some no-good prankster would come along and spike the punch. That would help drown my sorrows, right? It would help numb the throbbing pain in my heart. It would help me forget about everything. Sure, it would only be a temporary fix, but it was something.
I needed something.
But sadly, the punch tasted perfectly normal, so I would just have to soberly wallow in self-pity for the rest of the night.
As I continued to slowly sip on the sugary sweet beverage, my eyes scanned the crowd for Lauren and Jake. When I found them, I smiled. I couldn’t tell if Jake was a legitimately bad dancer, or if he was just putting on a show for Lauren, but he was jumping around aimlessly and flailing his arms, stopping every so often to bust out some robot moves. Lauren seemed to be loving it; she was so busy doubling over in laughter that she wasn’t even dancing herself.
Lauren had dated quite a few boys over the last couple of years, and most of them had been total losers. But Jake seemed like a genuinely nice guy—one who would treat her like a queen and make her feel like the most special girl in the world. Lauren deserved someone like that, and I couldn’t have been happier that she’d found him.
Once I took my last sip of punch, I turned to throw away the cup and stopped when somebody deliberately stepped in front of me, blocking my path to the trash can.
I didn’t even need to look up to see his face to know it was Elijah.
He was dressed appropriately in a suit and tie, but the entire outfit looked like he had just thrown it on last minute and rushed over here. The tie was loose around his neck, his button-up was half-tucked, and he was wearing sneakers instead of dress shoes. Obviously, he hadn’t planned on coming here. So, why had he?
My eyes narrowed into a glare as I stared up at him. “Elijah, what are you doing here?”
“I want to talk to you.” He grabbed the empty cup from my hand, turned around and tossed it into the trash for me.
I folded my arms tightly across my chest and shook my head. “I already said everything I wanted to say to you earlier.”
“That’s fine. I’ll do all the talking, then.” Grabbing my hand, he began leading me toward the entrance of the gym.
“Hey, let go,” I protested. I tried removing myself from his grip, but he held on tightly until we were outside of the gym.
“Elijah, what is this all about?”
He finally dropped my hand and glanced around the hallway. When he noticed there were a few people out there, he motioned with his head for me to follow him toward a private, more secluded spot.
For whatever reason, I did, and when we came to a stop again, he sighed and raked a hand through his hair.
“Cassie, I’m sorry.”
I stared at him, waiting for him to continue; to tell me what, exactly he was sorry for.
“I already told you I was sorry for cheating on you, but I’ll say it again anyway: I’m sorry. It was wrong of me, and I will never forgive myself for it.”
Well, that was a start. “Thank you. I accept your apology. Again.”
“And I’m sorry for trying to pressure you into taking me back afterward,” he continued. “I shouldn’t have done that. I should have just accepted the fact you dumped me, because you had every right to break up with me, and no reason to take me back. I shouldn’t have asked you to this dance in front of everyone in the cafeteria. I did it because I knew it would be harder for you to say no. That was selfish of me. I know that now, and I’m sorry for that too.”
I blinked at him in surprise. I thought his apology would just begin and end with the whole thing with Hannah, but he was going all out. Apparently, my visit to his house earlier had affected him more than I thought it had.
“Wow, Elijah, that’s—”
“Wait,” he said, holding his hand up to stop me. “You stormed into my house tonight and didn’t give me an opportunity to talk or defend myself, so now it’s my turn to do the same to you.”
Admittedly, that was only fair. “Okay. Continue.”
He lifted his gaze to the ceiling. “You were right, Cassie. Everything you said about Hannah. I am still in love with her. I never stopped being in love with her.”
Despite the fact Elijah and I weren’t together anymore, and I no longer had feelings for him, it hurt like hell to hear him admit to still loving Hannah. He had loved her the entire time we were together. Which meant our relationship had meant nothing to him.
He must have sensed that was what I was thinking because he quickly added, “But I loved you too, Cassie. I really did. You’re beautiful and sweet and fun to be around. I couldn’t have asked for a better girlfriend.”
“But you didn’t love me as much as you loved her,” I said quietly.
He said nothing as a look of guilt washed over his face.
“It’s okay, Elijah. It’s not like I didn’t know deep down that you were still in love with her the whole time. In fact, I was sur
prised that you were trying so hard to win me back. I figured you would have just gotten back together with Hannah after I broke up with you.”
Elijah shrugged. “You said it yourself earlier: you were the safe option. But that’s the wrong reason for wanting to be with somebody, and I see that now. So, I’m sorry for that too.” He paused. “Which leads me to my next apology.”
I glanced down at my watch. “How many more are there? Lauren’s going to wonder where I am.”
“Just this last one, and then I swear I will leave you alone.” He took a deep breath and waited a few seconds before letting it back out. “Cassie, I’m sorry for how I reacted to finding out about you and Dylan.”
Finally, he was getting to the good stuff. The main reason why I was so upset with him.
“At first, I was shocked. Shocked that you two would ever be into each other. I mean, you and I were together for ten months, during which time you two mostly just ignored each other. It made no sense to me.”
“It was just as much of a surprise to me as it was to you,” I said. “Like I told you before, neither Dylan nor I planned to fall for each other—”
“I know you didn’t. But at the time I saw you two kissing each other, that didn’t matter because I was upset. Upset with you because you wanted him over me and upset with him because he knew how I felt about you and he still pursued you anyway. I felt so betrayed by him. That’s just not what friends do.”
“Yes, I know. You said that before, but—”
“Let me finish.” He took a step closer to me. “I genuinely feel what Dylan did was wrong, and I’ve never been so angry with him. But I can admit now that I overreacted that night, and I said a lot of things I didn’t mean. And it was wrong of me to shut him out of my life and pit our friends against him just because I was upset. You were right—I was a dick.”
Was he for real? He was finally acknowledging that he had treated Dylan unfairly? Now that it was too late?
“Cassie, when you told me that Dylan was moving to Seattle, something inside me snapped. And the only thing going through my head was, ‘wait—I don’t want Dylan to move to Seattle’. He’s my best friend. I love him like a brother. The thought of never seeing him again kills me.”
