by S. J. West
I shrug, completely unapologetic. “Told you.”
Malcolm sweeps his hand across the board, automatically resetting the pieces into place.
“Two out of three?” he asks.
“Sounds like fun,” I say, just happy to have him come up with such a suggestion, indicating that he wants to keep me near and spend time with him.
When Malcolm wins the next game just as easily, he sighs heavily.
“I’m going to have to teach you how to play this game properly,” he tells me, standing from his chair. “I think I have a book you can read that explains some strategy. It should help you a great deal.”
I watch as Malcolm goes to one of the bookshelves and begins to scan the shelf in front of him for the volume. As I watch him standing there, I can’t help but feel a heated impulse to go to him. I see no reason not to give into the force that is driving me to him. Malcolm was made for me after all. God said so.
I stand from my chair and walk up behind Malcolm. He’s holding the book now and is looking inside it with his head bowed, flipping through the pages like he’s looking for some passage in particular.
When I reach him, I tentatively place the palm of my hands on his shoulders near the base of his neck. He flinches slightly, but I get the feeling it’s just because he wasn’t expecting my touch, not because it’s unpleasant to him. He doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t try to move away. I take that as my cue to continue.
I glide my hands across his broad shoulders and then down the sides of his back, feeling his muscles tense slightly beneath my hands as they travel over him. He slowly places the book in his hands back in its place and grabs the edge of the shelf with both hands, leaning his forehead against it while bending one leg at the knee. I let my hands travel around the sides of his waist until I feel the firm ripples of his stomach through his shirt. I glide my hands over his taunt belly until they come to rest against the firmness of his chest.
“Anna,” he sighs, closing his eyes, “what are you doing to me?”
“What I’ve been wanting to do to you for quite some time now,” I tell him, letting my hands slide back down from his chest and return to the small of his back.
Malcolm turns around to face me and leans his back against the bookcase, halfway sitting on the lowest shelf. His eyes hold a need for me that I’ve longed to see from him, causing hope to flare inside my chest like a red hot beacon. I take a step towards Malcolm.
He grabs me by the waist and has my back up against the bookshelf in an instant. He leans one knee in between my legs and gently lays his forehead against mine, closing his eyes and breathing heavily.
I raise a hand to his face, tenderly cupping one of his cheeks and marveling at the sensation of his warm breath against my lips. I take a chance and lean in to touch his lips with mine, but he instantly pulls his head back before they have a chance to meet.
I look into his now open eyes and see an intense war of emotions playing out within their depths.
I have a feeling this is the moment that will determine our fate with one another. It's time for me to lay open my heart to him, completely naked and vulnerable, to see if he will accept everything I am offering or reject me and the future we can have together.
“I love you,” I tell him, finally saying the words that have been living inside my heart for so long now. “I’ve been in love with you since the first moment I saw you. I always told Auggie that when I finally met the person I was supposed to be with I would feel the earth beneath my feet move and my heart quake just from being near him. I felt those two things happen the moment I saw you, Malcolm. I didn’t need God to tell me we were meant to be together because I already knew that. And I don’t think you can stand here in front of me and keep denying the connection we have to one another anymore. This is me willingly giving you all that I am. Accept my love for you. Accept everything that I'm offering you so we can both finally find happiness.”
Malcolm closes his eyes again, and I see his Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallows hard. He begins to shake his head slowly and mutters, “I can't. I can't.”
“Yes, you can,” I urge, knowing that if I don’t change his mind this night he’s lost to me forever.
Malcolm continues to shake his head. “I’m so sorry, Anna. I just can’t. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give you what you need. I’ll never be able to provide you the happiness you deserve. You need to forget about me, about us.”
His words provide the final twist to my already fragile heart, breaking it completely in two.
“I guess I was a fool to let myself hope you could love me like I love you,” I tell him, not attempting to hide my tears from him because what would be the point. He has to know how much pain he's causing me. It's not like I can conceal my sorrow from the man whose soul is tethered to mine. “Today was like a dream come true for me, Malcolm. I saw the person you could be if you would just open up your heart to me. That's the person I want to share my life with. That's the person who makes me feel whole. If you can't be that man for me, then I guess you're right. I guess I have no choice but to try to forget the man you could be. I may be strong, but my heart's just too fragile to keep going back and forth between the man you were today and the man you were yesterday. I can't survive this kind of pain any longer. I can't keep hoping you'll pick me to live in the present with instead of choosing to live in the past with Lilly’s ghost haunting your dreams. My heart can’t take any more of your uncertainty.”
Malcolm looks into my eyes and says nothing for what feels like forever.
Finally, he says, “I’m sorry.”
My heart feels like it's made out of glass, and Malcolm's words a hammer against it, shattering it to pieces inside my chest, scattering the remains to the four corners of the earth, forever lost. I only know of one way to repair it enough just to continue on and retain at least a small portion of my sanity.
“Then, I have to let you go,” I say, taking in a deep shuddering breath. “I release you from our bond, Malcolm. I hope that makes you happy.”
I gently push Malcolm away, and he doesn’t resist.
I walk out of the room but have no idea where I’m going because all I feel is blinding pain.
On impulse, I go to the kitchen and grab my jacket from my chair at the table and walk out of the house. I head straight for the workshop because I need something to take my mind off of what just happened. I turn the light on in the building when I get there and go sit down in front of the small birdhouse I was painting on earlier. I sit there and stare at it for a long time, my mind completely dazed and confused.
I suddenly hate everything about the small birdhouse sitting in front of me. The stupid happy flowers are just a reminder that my life will never truly be a happy one. The beautiful fantasy world Lucas conjured up had me fooled into believing it was something I could actually have. He would never be my son, and I would never get to know the children he said he saw me and Malcolm have in his vision.
I pick the house up with one hand and throw it against a wall of the workshop, shattering it into pieces.
I let out a small sob and bury my face in my hands, crying so hard I feel like my heart is about to burst out of my chest from the agony I feel.
Every hope, every dream I ever had about a life with Malcolm slowly floats away with each tear I shed. I know my life will never feel complete, and I'll have to live with this aching emptiness inside my chest for the rest of my days.
I begin to wonder if someone can actually die from a broken heart and selfishly wish for such a sweet release.
CHAPTER twenty-four
(Malcolm’s Point of View)
I can’t even make myself watch her leave because it’s hard enough to feel the pain she’s in. It's a pain I know I’ve caused her by not being able to fully give her my heart or be the man she truly deserves. I want to be that man, but something deep inside my soul holds me back like a rusty old anchor that wants to break but is simply too strong, o
r too stubborn, to let go.
I never wanted this. I never wanted to fall in love with Anna, and I consider it a cruel joke my father has played on us both.
When Anna was first born, I didn’t want anything to do with her. I didn't even want to see her. The love child of Lucifer wasn’t something I wanted living underneath the same roof as me. I considered her an abomination to everything we had worked so hard for during the last thousand years. She was my greatest failure, and that's why I had Andre get her out of my house almost as soon as she came into this world.
I had no intention of ever seeing her in person. She was a reminder of how I failed to keep my last promise to Lilly, a promise I had no intention of ever breaking.
Amalie, the most stubborn of all the descendants, chose Lucifer to fall in love with of all people. Now, I realize their union was meant to be. At the time, my anger at her insistence that Lucifer was her soul mate did nothing but fuel a rage that had been building inside of me for a thousand years. Lucifer’s constant goading of me down through the centuries to give into my pain and freely hand him my soul in exchange for an end to my suffering tarnished my heart and almost drove me insane.
He played his part well as the great tempter, offering to lift the curse his hellhound placed on me with its bite. And for a thousand years I stoutly refused his propositions, even though there were times I almost gave in. There were times I wanted to give in. It was only the strength of my promise to Lilly that kept me strong. When Amalie defied my orders to stay away from Lucifer, I felt part of my resolve begin to crumble. I had failed Lilly. What was the point of fighting fate?
But, the pain I’ve endured because of that curse is nothing compared to the pain I feel now with Anna’s sorrow coursing through my veins like molten lava.
I turn away from the bookshelf and hurriedly march out of the room. I head straight for the front door and walk out into the night, welcoming the cold, biting wind that now blows, cooling my skin but doing nothing to ease the ache in my heart.
I hike through the forest until I come to her house.
I walk up the steps to the back porch of a place I once considered my home too. It was Lilly and Brand’s home, but they always made me feel like a part of their family. For years I never quite understood why Brand put up with me being around them so much. I finally figured out that he knew Lilly needed me in her life almost as much as she needed him. She may not have loved me like she did him, but a part of her needed the friendship and comfort I offered. Just like I knew she belonged with Brand, Brand knew that my heart was pledged to Lilly and that I would help keep her safe no matter what the personal cost.
I don’t come to this place much anymore. The memories of the people I love are hidden around every corner like echoes of a happier time. I look to the boat house where Caylin’s art studio used to be and can still see her smiling at me. I look to the castle swing set and see a pigtailed, three-year-old Mae sliding down the rainbow slide laughing. Everywhere I look, I see phantoms of those I have loved but who had to leave this life and me behind.
For years, I yearned for the day when I could be made human and finally end an existence that had no more meaning.
Then, I felt Anna.
The night I sensed her pain was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Mason tried to explain to me how it felt when he would feel Jess’ pain through the connection of their souls, but even his description didn’t prepare me for what I felt that night. I don’t even think it can be adequately described to another person. It's something you have to experience for yourself. The moment I felt her pain I knew I had to go to her, and without even having to think about it, I went.
When I saw her lying on the veranda of her home, writhing in agony, I actually had to take a moment to rationalize what I was seeing at first. Caylin had told us about knowing who she was supposed to pick to watch over the princes and her descendants because they glowed to her eyes. At the time, she said it was a sign of their devotion. I never quite understood what she was talking about, but in that moment, standing over Anna, I finally did.
When I looked at Anna, she held a luminescent glow around her that not even the sun itself could match. Then, when I held her in my arms that night, I felt a peace settle over my heart unlike anything I had ever felt before. It was almost the same type of peace I felt the first time I met Lilly but far stronger, everlasting.
But, I couldn't admit any of this to Anna. Hell, I couldn't even admit it to myself. When she looked at me for the first time, I knew she loved me. It was so plainly written on her face I couldn't believe it at first. I had to stand up and turn away from her gaze because I didn't feel worthy of her love. She looked so beautiful, like a true angel of mercy who was opening her heart to me of all people, a sinner of the worst kind.
When she came to my room that night after the ball, I had been thinking about all of the events in my life which helped forge me into who I was. I thought about all the people I had loved and lost. I thought about Lilly and wondered what she would think about me falling in love with one of her descendants. Would she be ashamed of me? Would she be happy?
Most of all, I thought about Anna. I felt so different when she was near. Almost at peace with myself but always having this nagging doubt that I didn't deserve someone like her loving me.
When she phased to my room that night, I instantly felt her presence. Her touch made me yearn to grab her and never let her go. As she stood in front of me in just her thin nightgown, I felt my body stir from need for her, but I held myself back because I didn't truly believe she was mine to have. Why would my father gift a man like me a woman who was so pure, so beautiful and so loving?
When I phased to her bedroom to help her learn how to phase on her own, I sat on her bed waiting for her to follow me. All I could think about as I sat there was making her mine and laying claim not only to her heart but to her body as well. I wanted to complete the connection between us and tenderly lavish every inch of her soft flesh with all the love I had pent up inside me. I almost gave in when she asked me to stay with her. Any doubt I might have had that she desired me in the same way instantly vanished. But, I held myself back. I wasn't ready to fully commit to her then because I still felt a need to keep my love for Lilly alive and remain faithful to one of the truest loves I've ever felt.
Then, Anna entered my dream world. A place I kept rich with all of my memories of Lilly. When I realized what she'd done, I hated her for it. I hated the fact that she had trespassed on, what was to me, hallowed ground. No one, not even Lilly, had ever been privy to my true thoughts and feelings like that. No one knew the depth of my pain that I've lived with since Lilly's passing. I've always been one to keep my emotions buried deep inside my heart, and I certainly never had any intentions of sharing them with Anna. I felt violated afterwards and let my anger get the best of me. I tried to become indifferent to her but found it an impossible act to keep up.
Even though I knew she loved me and would give me everything I ever wanted if I asked, I kept myself distanced from her as best I could. I didn’t want to give her false hope. I didn’t want to cause her unneeded pain because I felt sure I could never be the type of man someone so pure of heart and so strong willed deserved. I tried so hard to let her know that there could be no future for us. But, she just wouldn’t give up. Stubbornness is one trait I wish she hadn't inherited.
Then today, I felt like maybe I could accept the love she seemed so determined to give me. Maybe I could be the man she needed and offer her a place inside my heart. Perhaps there was room enough in there for me to hold onto my love for Lilly while accepting what I felt for Anna. But, I think I’ve just loved Lilly for far too long. I’m not sure I can let her go. I’m not sure I have it in me to want to let her go.
“Malcolm,” I hear a familiar, disappointed voice say behind me, “what are you doing?”
I squeeze my eyes shut tight and bow my head, feeling the presence of my dearest so close to me after all these years.
>
“You pick now to come to me?” I ask, not trying to hide my hurt. “Why now, Lilly? I’ve begged for you to talk to me for so long. Why are you picking this night of all nights to answer my prayer?”
“Because you need me,” she answers, her ever present compassion for me in her voice. “And you need to hear me tell you that it’s time for you to let me go.”
As I turn around to face the woman who helped me find myself again all those years ago, I sigh heavily and brace my heart for what it's about to go through.
“I don’t know if I can let you go,” I tell her. “I’ve loved you for so long. I don’t think I know how to stop.”
“You don’t have to stop,” she tells me. “You can always love me like I've always loved you, as a friend. Malcolm, this is your time to live a life that you've always deserved but always thought you didn't. Anna loves you more than anyone else ever will. Her love for you isn't something that just happened. She's loved you for a very, very long time.”
“We’ve only known each other for a few days,” I say, trying to make sense of what Lilly is saying but not able to.
“Do you remember that time Caylin and I went to Heaven to see Utha Mae?”
I nod. “Yes, of course I do.”
“We met Anna while we were there,” she tells me. “She told me then that I shouldn’t worry about you because when she was finally able to come to Earth she would take good care of you. I believed her then, and I believe her now. You've seen the evidence of her devotion to you with your own eyes, even before either of you spoke a word to one another. Anna loved you before she ever came into this world. She is the one you were always meant to be with, Malcolm. If anyone was a cheap substitute here, it was me. I was simply someone who showed you that you could love again. Anna’s love is the one you've been waiting your whole life for. Her love for you is the truest you will ever feel. She’s offering all of herself to you. That was something I could never do because you and I were never soul mates.”
