But then I brushed cool metal, and I jerked back on reflex, hearing the chain chime as it hit another one. Hesitantly, I waved my hands in front of me again, sending several chains swinging. They were hanging from the ceiling?
I let out a little laugh. Maybe it was just a draft, after all.
But then I heard chains clink again, and my smile fell. It was a lot of them, and not a little tinkling that comes with a breeze. It was …purposeful.
I opened my mouth, but my voice was barely working. “Hello?”
Boo, I heard Damon that night in my head. I’d known someone was there.
And I knew I wasn’t alone now. There was someone in here.
“Qu…w…” Bile burned my throat, and my mind raced.
It’s not real. It’s just a game.
Except the last time this happened, I said the same thing and I’d been wrong.
I pawed the air in front of me, brushing chains but stilling them to keep from making noise, so I could hear the room.
But it was complete silence.
My pulse thundered in my ears, and sweat cooled my neck as my breath blew a strand of hair hanging in my face that I was too afraid to budge an inch to move.
I could hear him breathing.
I knew he was there.
I closed my eyes, opened my mouth, but instead of uttering the safe word, I drew in a breath, feeling his eyes on me. Every inch of my skin became sensitive and aware of my clothes suddenly chafing my skin. My lacy bra and sweater irritated the points of my breasts, and the skin of my thighs stuck to the leather pants, my belly quaking and heat settling between my legs, making me throb.
My heart filled my throat, and I was so scared, but I…I wanted to yank my sweater down and be rid of it. It was hot, and it was like every hair on my body vibrated. What the hell?
All of a sudden, a gang of chains shook and swooped, there was a loud, deep growl, and someone started charging. I opened my mouth to cry out, but he clenched my neck in his fist and shoved me into the wall, jabbing something into my stomach several times. It didn’t hurt, though. It was probably one of those prop knives that retracted, but the fear of the moment still overtook me, and I screamed as I was thrown down on the ground, landing on something soft.
I didn’t have time to guess what it was before he was on top of me, forcing my arms over my head with one hand. I gasped and opened my mouth to cry out again, but then he shot his knife up to my neck, pressing on the skin as he breathed down on me, and I stopped, aware of the skin of my nipples, burning under the itchy fabric of my sweater and his weight on me. He felt like fire on my skin.
“I’m hungry,” he whispered down on me.
I smelled a wood fire on him, and cinnamon wafted off his breath. I smelled cigarettes, too, but they weren’t like Damon’s.
Music pounded somewhere, shaking the foundation, and I guessed I was lying on a mattress, another creepy prop that I was glad I couldn’t see.
“Give me your tongue,” he growled softly. “I want to eat it.”
I shook my head slowly. Was I taunting him?
Why wasn’t I screaming?
The prop knife left my neck and dug into my side, retracting on impact. I sucked in a breath, the blood there throbbing instantly, but I was safe. I knew I was safe.
And somewhere, deep inside my head where I felt the burn of shame, but no one else could see or read me, I’d missed this. I’d missed my mind racing, my heart trying to jump out of my chest, and someone not handling me like I was a glass ball. Where, in the inch of space between him and me, I reveled in the dirt on my skin and the terror of his words.
Why wasn’t I using the safe word?
The actor’s weight eased off mine as he pulled up a little. “Are you okay?”
His voice was soft now. Normal.
“Yes,” replied.
“You know the safe word, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“You don’t want to use it?”
I swallowed and shifted my leg, pulling it out from under him, but then I realized now he was between my legs. He settled in, slowly lowering his body on top of me again.
“Last chance,” he whispered the same low growl as before.
I breathed hard, the heat pooling between us, and I tipped my head back, taking his wrist and putting the knife on my neck again.
“Keep it there,” I told him.
God, I didn’t care. I liked the illusion. I liked that feeling again, and I didn’t fucking care—here and in the dark where this dude would never see me again, because I would never come back here—that I needed this. He did this to me. I hated it and hated him, but I wanted to see. Needed to see. See if I liked it or to prove to myself that he, and what he did to me, didn’t mean anything and that I didn’t want it.
“Or maybe I’m hungry for something else, Little Girl,” he threatened.
Pressing the knife into my throat, he thrusted between my legs, and we both sucked in a breath as our bodies moved in unison. My eyes rolled back, his cock already hard through his jeans as it rolled over my clit. I could feel the wet heat in my panties, and I closed my eyes, diving into the black.
He humped me over and over again, sucking air between his teeth and getting rougher as his narrow hips rolled again and again. He dug the knife’s blade under my chin, and my orgasm crested, starting to roll through me.
“Holy shit,” he said, breaking character. “God, this is fucking awesome.”
And I lost it. The orgasm drifted away, hanging on by a tether until it snapped and disappeared.
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I cracked.
Jesus Christ.
Pushing him away, I stopped him and crawled out from under him.
What the hell was I doing?
Music poured into the room with screams and laughter, and I knew others had fallen through the trap door, too. I followed their voices, scurrying past them and out the door.
“Wait, come back!” the guy yelled after me. “I didn’t mean anything. Are you okay?”
No. I wasn’t okay. I’d lost my fucking mind.
“Winter!” I heard Jade call. “Oh, my God. Thank God. We’ve been looking for you everywhere. You freaked us out. Are you okay?”
“Let’s just get out of here.”
The lost orgasm still lingered, keeping me hot and my head buzzing. I still needed the release.
They led me back to the entrance, and I sucked in lungfuls of air as we stepped outside into the welcome chill.
“Whew,” Isa giggled. “We have to come back. That was fun.”
I chewed my lip, not wanting to think about it. I wasn’t about to tell them what just happened, even though I knew they’d eat it up.
I didn’t hate that I enjoyed it. I hated that it reminded me of him, and that was why I enjoyed it. I still wanted to come. He’d changed my palette.
I didn’t want to understand Damon, but sometimes, I couldn’t help thinking of all the times he watched me but never touched me—confusing me and intriguing me. And how he hadn’t really changed so much.
Thirteen years ago he was hiding from his mother in a fountain, and after what happened in his room tonight and what Isa had told me, he was still hiding. Trying to feel everything through everyone else as he stood back and watched.
But bottom lines never changed. He still took what I never would’ve given him.
They all thought he was different with me, not realizing that I was just a different kind of kink to him. Something to get him off. He fucked with my head just like he did everyone’s, and coerce is still a way to force.
He was as guilty as sin.
No one knew the real tragedy, though. It wasn’t a matter of why he was different with me, but rather, now… I was different because of him.
Winter
Seven Years Ago
“Ugh, I hate this!” I whisper-yelled, yanking out my earbuds, tossing them onto my bed, and stopping the audio-text.
No one used algebra.
No one.
I’d have to sign up for tutoring or something. I needed to keep my grades up or my father would pull me out of Thunder Bay and send me back to Montreal.
Why was I having such a hard time with this? All my other classes—no problem. I mean, math had always been hard, but the teacher… She talked fast and relied a lot on her Smartboard, projector, and all the other little gadgets that were of no use to me.
And it was pretty clear she didn’t want to change what worked for twenty other kids for the sake of one. I thought my mom could talk to her—help her get a clue—but I didn’t want my father to find out. He hated me being an inconvenience as much as I did.
I pushed my laptop, calculator, and braille keyboard away and crashed back onto the bed, taking my earbuds with me. I plugged them into my phone, found my music app, and clicked on one of my playlists. “Is Your Love Strong Enough?” started playing, and I closed my eyes, my mind immediately going to the choreography I always envisioned myself dancing to for every song I listened to. I loved dancing so much, and if my mom wasn’t asleep, I would blast some music downstairs and get to it.
When I danced and all I heard in my ears was the music, that was where I wanted to live forever.
I laid there, moving my head in a little figure eight motion to the music, and without thinking, my hands and arms started moving a little, too.
What if he was watching me right now? He could be in my room, feet away, at this very moment.
But, no. It had been a week, and I hadn’t heard anything from him. He was probably at my sister’s party, and it was probably just a prank. A one-time thing and some kind of joke he regularly pulled. I wanted to ask someone about him—tell them what happened—but I had no idea how to start that conversation, and other than the smell of the pool on him, I didn’t have much to go by. He’d whispered and hadn’t said anything personal. Like where he lived, his family, his friends, his age… He was tall, though, and his whisper was deep. He was undoubtedly older than me, if even just a couple years.
I hadn’t told my parents, either, and I knew how irresponsible it was not to, but… I knew the consequences if my family thought I was in danger.
And he hadn’t hurt me, so…
That didn’t mean he wouldn’t, but I didn’t know. If I told, he wouldn’t be able to come back.
And I wasn’t sure I didn’t want him to.
Stupid girl. The guy terrorized me over the course of a half hour, and instead of running for cover, I was drinking the Kool-Aid.
I was always stupid. I still thought I was going to be a dancer, I ignored the pain my father caused, because this house was my anchor, and I kept my intruder a little secret, because it excited me. Because I never had a secret, and it made me feel like… I didn’t know. A teenager, maybe?
The song ended and the calm whir of the next one began to play, but in the moment of silence between, I noticed the smallest, barest vibration underneath my bed. The same one I felt when the garage door opened or the landscapers brought in their equipment to work on the yard and trim the trees.
I pulled out my earbuds and propped myself up on my elbows, training my ears for what it was I felt.
Arion had left hours ago for Devil’s Night, some weird tradition of youth mischief the night before Halloween most of the world had forgotten about except our little town, and my father never came home, probably spending the night in the city again.
I remembered my mother’s words about a mistress he kept, but I pushed the thought away and stood up. Other than me, my mom was the only one in the house, and she went to bed with an Ambien an hour ago.
Walking to my door, I pulled it open a silver and listened. Maybe my mom got up or Arion brought friends home.
But now I could tell the vibration I’d felt was a slow whine, but constant and melodic. Up and down, long and slow.
Music. Someone was playing music.
I crept into the hallway, the pulse under my foot growing strong the closer I got to the sound. My heart beat harder, and I descended the stairs, finally recognizing the song set at a really low volume. A Bush song from my playlist in the ballroom.
I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth, trying to stifle the fear and excitement raging through me. I should call for my mom. I should wake her up.
But I ignored that voice in my head and pushed through the ballroom doors. The song played from my system next to the wall at a low volume, and I didn’t know if it was the monsters we all feel when we’re scared or some sixth sense I didn’t believe in, but I could feel someone in the room.
I walked to the dance floor and stopped on the marker in the middle, twisting in a slow circle.
“Are you there?” I asked.
The music suddenly cut off, and my breath caught in my throat as my heart jumped.
“Yes,” a whisper far off in front of me said.
I licked my lips, every limb trembling, but the way his voice washed over me… My blood flowed electric.
I had to swallow a couple times to get my throat wet. “You found the snow village for me?”
He didn’t answer. I knew it was him, but hearing him confirm it would have at least confirmed he was at the party—and near my sister—to hear me ask her for it. It might’ve been possible to pin down who he was then.
“Why did you come back?” I asked, keeping my voice low.
“Maybe I never left.”
His whispering was haunting but there was something soft and playful in it.
And the fact that he kept whispering meant I might have heard his voice, and he was afraid of being recognized. Or maybe he just wanted to scare me.
“Who are you?”
“A ghost.”
I shook my head, a slight smile playing on my lips. “I don’t believe in ghosts.”
“Why aren’t you screaming?” he inquired, changing the subject. “Or calling for help?”
I fell quiet, wishing I could answer his question. For my own sake. I might be in danger. At the very least a strange man was in my home uninvited, and he’d been here before, threatening me.
Run. Scream.
“I don’t know,” I answered instead.
I still could scream. I wasn’t ready just yet.
“Why did you come back?” I asked.
“I wanted to see if you’d dance again.”
“How did you know I’d be alone?”
“I don’t give a fuck if you’re alone,” he said. “Just as long as I have you to myself.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I breathed faster and shallower.
I wanted to be like him. Bold.
“I have your shoes,” he whispered.
My shoes?
Oh, my pointe shoes. I’d left them near the stereo when I rehearsed this morning before school.
Dance for him…
I could. As long as I didn’t blast it, the music wouldn’t wake my mother.
What would happen after I danced, though?
What was wrong with me that I liked that he was here?
He liked my dancing. He came to see if I would dance.
It made the world prettier.
I quickly hid the smile that tried to peek out.
I held out my hand. “Shoes?”
He set them in my hand, using both of his hands to make sure I had them.
I dropped to the floor and slipped the shoes on, lacing up the ribbons as I heard him walk away, probably to give me room.
Once the slippers were fastened tightly, I stood up and walked to the center of the dance floor, finding my X, and turned out into second position. Bending my knees in a quick demi-plié to find my balance, I rose up to en pointe onto my toes and back down again.
I should have had more of a warm up, but I was suddenly nervous. Maybe because the last time he saw me dance I didn’t know he was watching or because I still wasn’t sure if he was going to slit my throat or not.
“Track seven,” I called out, my voice shaking a little.
“Could you find it, please?”
I heard him move across the room as he did what I asked, and I wished I was dressed. The situation being what it was, I couldn’t believe I was worried about that, but I only had on my sleep shorts, a tank top, and no damn bra.
Ellie Goulding’s sonorous humming and chanting finally started, low and faint at first, but grew stronger, and I walked slowly around the dance floor, making a casual circle and getting a feel. I had only played around with choreography on this track once, and I couldn’t remember it, so I guessed I was winging it.
The music built, haunting and crawling inside my skin, and then her voice gave in to lyrics, echoing and layered with chants as the drums started.
My pulse started to beat harder, and I closed my eyes, marking the tape on the floor in my head as I grazed over it and started moving. I hit the beat, rolling my head, shooting up on my toes, and twirling in a circle, feeling the music.
I forgot about him, and all of my teachers who complained about my technique, and just slipped into my own world where I craved the feel of my body slicing through the air and my hands in my hair and on my neck.
My back arched as I swung into an attitude, and I felt my heart leap in my chest when I twirled and posed in an arabesque. I smiled, biting down on my bottom lip to stifle the laugh I wanted to let loose. I spun and bent and dipped and slithered through whatever I wanted to do, just letting the music tell me.
When it ended, the air felt cold all of a sudden, and I breathed hard, remembering I wasn’t alone.
“Are you…are you still there?” I asked, my mouth parched.
He didn’t say anything for a moment, but when he did, his voice was calm. “The way you move, it’s…different.”
“Different than what?” I stilled, breathing hard.
But he didn’t answer. I’d gathered my teachers were sometimes frustrated with me over years because I improvised. A lot. I appreciated the classical education I’d received, but I didn’t want to do the same things that had already been done to death. I kind of just went on impulse, because it made me happy. Did he not like it?
Kill Switch Page 19
