by Susan Ward
Jade scooches over on the cushions to lean up against me and slips her hand into mine. “Do you mind if I turn up the volume? I can’t hear it.”
Without my answering, she sets down her wine and grabs the remote. Now the voices are in the room too loud to ignore.
“There. That’s better.” She smiles and takes a sip of her wine.
Not better for me. I can’t block it out now.
“I liked that you liked me for me. I’d never had a girl like me for me before.”
The lump in my throat turns jagged, forcing my lids to close. Wrong, Eric. I love you for you. Seven years ago, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Broke, no prospects, it didn’t matter. I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him, I always will. There will never be anyone else, not as perfect for me as him. Ever.
“Have you talked to him today?” Jade asks.
“No. He left me a voice mail. He didn’t think he’d have time to call back.”
“I imagine not. Look at all this.” She sits up, alert. “They’re starting to leave the house.”
But I don’t want to look. I can’t speak. It feels like if I do something will dissolve in me.
Jade’s head tilts into mine as she sighs. “His mother looks so sad. Poor woman. Her father must have meant a great deal to her. How lucky she was to have him so long.”
Oh please, Jade, shut up. I don’t want to get emotional, not again. Not with everything else twirling inside me.
“I never realized before there were so many in Eric’s family,” Jade states thoughtfully. “Look at all those kids. What a giant family.”
“I knew he had a large family. He likes to talk about them. How close they are.”
She slouches back, studies my face, and then frowns. “Eric will come back to you,” Jade croons, determined. “He went home to be with his family, pay his respects to his grandfather. That’s all, Willow. Nothing has changed. He loves you.”
Oh, but it has, Jade. She’s watching this like it’s entertainment and I’m preparing myself for never seeing him again.
What I haven’t told Jade is that Eric has already warned me he won’t be back in Seattle anytime soon. That after the funeral there are family matters to take care of—whatever those are—and that it wouldn’t be fair of him to cut out on Hana, even if only for a day to fly up here, after only recently getting home.
Oh, he was sweet and sad and gentle in how he told me, but that’s not going to change anything. He’s where he belongs, with his family and daughter. I can’t fault him for that. But it’s a red flag that I should prepare for the worst: us ending.
I lift my face in time to see Eric appear on the screen. He’s got Hana’s hand in his as he walks down the pavement to the car. My heart clenches and I’m fixated on this precious glimpse of him.
His dignity with cameras everywhere locked on him reminds me of how he was at Jade’s party. A happier time, but the memory brings with it sadness as well. He’s dressed in an impeccable black suit and white shirt as he was that night, only today with a lavender tie and sunglasses covering his eyes. He looks utterly beautiful, but so, so sad.
He assists Hana into the car, but for some reason doesn’t climb in. It’s as though he’s waiting for something.
Then a figure emerges from the house.
My stomach drops.
It can’t be.
I gaze numbly at the screen, clinging to hope I’m imagining what I’m seeing. Tall. Shiny brown hair, dressed in matching black and lavender like Eric and Hana, preceding him into the car.
Jade spits out her wine. “Is that who I think it is?”
I can’t speak.
The knot in my throat won’t let me.
I nod.
“Did you know she was there?”
I shake my head.
“He didn’t tell you?”
A short shake—I can’t do more.
“She is Hana’s mother. They were married. That sort of makes her part of the family,” Jade reminds me soothingly.
Eric gazes down at her as Tara climbs into the car. My heart and world shatters, and all breath leaves my body.
MY PHONE BUZZES, MAKING me jump. The screen’s the only light in the bedroom where I’ve isolated myself since Jack’s funeral ended. I haven’t slept. I feel drained. Emotionally empty. Wide awake from the churning inside me even though it must be close to morning.
I forced myself to watch every second of the news coverage until it was over, even though my heart raced and my body felt like ice as I caught my final glimpse of Eric disappearing back into the family house with Tara and Hana.
A have some pride, Willow moment, as Jade likes to tell me, because I didn’t want her to see how much seeing Tara hurt me. Only pride doesn’t do a goddamn thing when your heart’s breaking.
Eric’s calling me in the middle of the night, again, only now I know why he never calls me during the day but at only weird hours. No doubt it’s so no one else hears.
She’s there. Isn’t that what guys do when they don’t want a woman to know they’re calling another woman? So much for them being divorced. So much for him hating her. She swoops in and now he kowtows to her.
I think about answering, but I hesitate. I should ignore it. It trills again, and my scalp prickles and all the hair on my body stands up.
Wait.
I’m not twenty-year-old Willow hiding her broken heart from him. Ignoring his phone calls and texts. Blocking his number. Disappearing with my tail between my legs into marriage with Dean.
If she’s what he wants, good riddance.
“Yeah.” I answer the phone short, abrupt the way Eric does when anyone calls him except me.
“Willow? I’m sorry to call so late. We’ve just finally got all the kids down after the long day, and with the whole family awake I can’t think. They’re all in bed, it’s finally quiet, but I don’t think this was a good idea. You sound frazzled. Is everything all right?”
Oh crap.
I can’t imagine why she’s calling me, but it’s Avery.
“Sorry. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? I’m in the mood to talk and no one is awake. And to be honest, you’re probably the only one I can talk about this with and not come off sounding like a total bitch.”
I frown since I can’t imagine anything in Avery’s life she’d only feel comfortable talking to me about. “What’s going on?” I ask, trying to quell my earlier knee-jerk anger after the phone rang.
“Tara’s here. Did you know that? And I think I’m going to go out of my fucking mind if she doesn’t leave tomorrow like she said she would.”
Tara?
She wants to talk to me about Eric’s ex?
I glare at the phone—I should never have answered.
Then I remember the conflict Eric had with Ethan, and about Tara being the cause of it. Ah, that’s why Avery wants to talk to me about this; Tara gets her riled up as well.
“Yes, I saw it on the news,” I admit.
“Oh God. I didn’t consider that. I just thought that if you knew she was here, you might be feeling the same way I am, and we can commiserate together until I can get a grip on myself. Being around her isn’t good for me.”
I don’t want to ask this. I’m not sure I want the answer, but I can’t stop myself. “Why is she there, Avery?”
“Jetted in to cause trouble and for the publicity, probably. She’s trying to make the jump from modeling to acting, but it’s not going well because she can’t act. She showed up this morning like a toxic cloud, and Chrissie and Alan indulged her like they always do. You know, because of Hana. They don’t want anything to jeopardize Eric getting full custody of Hana. So his parents pay her off when she wants more money and smile when she’s around. I get why they do that, but if I have to spend one more second with that bitch, I’m going to whack her or something.”
My emotions still fresh and raw,
I wish Avery would hit her. Is that why Tara’s there? To get publicity from a funeral. Is there such a thing as too low for her?
Avery snorts her derision. “Nothing gets me angrier faster than Tara. I feel so badly for Eric and Ethan. Having to manage Jack’s funeral and having her here.”
“I can see how that would be awful,” I say, curling on my side on the pillow, realizing I never saw it from Eric’s perspective. That he might not want her there.
Avery sighs. “I wish you were in Santa Barbara. There are times a girl needs a friend instead of family.”
“Yes, I’m sure there are.”
“You are flying down soon, right?”
Flying down? She says it firmly, like it’s an inevitable thing. “I don’t know,” I answer truthfully.
“He’s miserable without you, Willow. He puts on a sunny face for the family, but I can tell he’s sure missing you.”
Fresh tears appear in my eyes. “I miss him, too.”
“Then why aren’t you here?”
“It didn’t seem right. I didn’t want to intrude on something that was private and family.”
“I wish Tara felt that way,” Avery jeers, then laughs. “You wouldn’t have intruded, Willow. The family would have welcomed you with open arms because Eric loves you. That means you could never intrude.”
“It’s something to think about.”
I’ve got a whole lot to think about, Avery.
I change the subject. “How’s Noah doing? Today must have been hard for him. It was very long for a baby.”
“He was amazing the entire day.” I can hear the smile and pride in her voice. “It took us nearly an hour to get to the church, and it’s usually a ten-minute drive. But the streets were packed with people watching, and Chrissie wanted to drive the long way, down along the beach and up State Street. It’s a Santa Barbara thing. And everywhere we went, people crowded along the side of the road to pay their final respects to Jack. I cried so hard when the guys—Ethan, Eric, Bobby, Jacob, Alan, and Ian Kennedy—carried Jack into the church. I tried not to cry because Chrissie couldn’t stop, but it was so moving, the love all around. There were over two thousand people in the church, then thousands more out on the mission gardens watching the big screens. The service was like this incredible joy-filled celebration. I’ve never felt so much love in a single spot before. Music. People telling remembrances of Jack. He was so amazing. Such a wonderful man. It was like he was there with us. Linda did such a remarkable job on the service. My precious boy didn’t fuss once through the whole thing.”
The lump is back in my throat. “I watched it on TV. It was a beautiful farewell for Jack. Hey, I need to go to sleep, Avery. Have I talked you down from violence?”
Avery laughs tiredly. “Not really. I don’t think it can be done. But that’s all right. Tara’s leaving tomorrow, and I should probably let you sleep.”
“Talk again soon?”
“I’ll call you tomorrow once Tara’s caught her broom out of here. If that’s all right with you.”
“Yes. I’d like that.”
“What’s wrong, Willow? Your voice sounds funny.”
I don’t want to get into it, how this week has left me feeling, but then again, maybe Avery would understand. She’s not a blood part of the family. She married in.
“Things just kind of seem hopeless for me and Eric,” I admit pathetically.
“What?” I’ve shocked her. “Why would you say that?”
I sit up and push the hair from my face. “Everything’s changed. I’m here. He’s there. It’s a mess now.”
“A mess? He loves you. You love him. Where’s the mess?”
“He’s not coming back to Seattle, for starters. He told me six days ago. I know it’s because of Hana, but I don’t know where that leaves me.”
“That leaves you in separate cities, unless you hop a plane down here.”
I grimace. “Very funny. It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is that simple.”
But it isn’t. There’s so much more. Hana. The reality of who Eric is.
“Willow? Are you going to tell me what’s got you spooked over everything?”
“Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
“No. I don’t hang up when my friends are crazy-talking about their relationships. Tell me what’s going on with you, Willow. Now.”
Chapter Forty-One
Willow
JADE’S HOME IS EXQUISITE, a grand lady designed by Arthur Lovelace. A half-timber mansion filled with elegance and charm. It’s in the neighborhood she wanted, Madison Park. On the street she wanted, Thirty-Sixth Avenue East. And I’m pretty sure, though I’ve never asked, that it ate up the first ten million Gary earned.
But I can’t deny it’s a beautiful house, filled with spacious rooms lavishly decorated with lots of light from the massive windows. In the back there are gardens, and in the front a long walk edged in brick and bordered by shrubs. Enormous, mature trees surround her two acres, blocking out the view of everything but the street she lives on.
As I sit curled on a floral sofa, the view from the sunroom into the back lawn is serene, but I’m starting to feel like a feral cat trapped in a cage. I’ve only been here two weeks but I’m restless and climbing the walls. I don’t feel at home here. I never will. But the problem is I don’t feel at home in my own home either. That’s the truth, if anyone were to ask me why I don’t go home. It’s like I don’t have a safe place anywhere anymore.
I snap shut my Kindle and toss it aside. How many times have I told myself if only I had time to read I would read? But now I can’t even finish the damn book I started the night I arrived here.
Christ, what’s going on with me?
I climb from the sofa and start pacing the room. Has it really only been fourteen days since my life was turned upside down? Handing over the management of Mel’s to Ivy and Eric leaving?
It feels longer, part not having anything to do and bigger part missing him. Sure, we’re good. Sure, we talk multiple times a day…but that’s not enough and it won’t ever be.
Eric’s in Santa Barbara indefinitely.
What am I supposed to do?
Continue to wait for him?
Pick up my life and start something new?
Or…I shut down that thought because it’s the one I’m wrestling with, and wrap my arms around me to hold myself.
“If where you are in life doesn’t feel right in your heart, and if what’s in your heart doesn’t feel right in your life, you have to make yourself heard after you hear yourself.”
Fuck, Charles Murray in my head again.
Though I sure wish Charles would tell me how to make myself heard. Everyone around me has gone on with their lives, except me, the feral cat caged.
“Why don’t you stop fidgeting and come in here and eat lunch?” Jade mutters between chews from the kitchen doorway.
I sigh. “Is it that time already?”
“No. It was that time an hour ago. I decided to eat without you because you’re rotten company these days.”
I pout. “Sorry. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“You, girl, have a lot on your heart.” She points at me—my order to follow her—then wanders back toward her table.
I go into the kitchen and plop down on the chair across from her. Picking up my fork, I poke at my plate. “This looks good.” No one makes an arugula grilled chicken salad quite like Jade.
“Then why are you playing with it and not eating it?”
I shrug. “Not hungry, I guess. You don’t work up an appetite when you don’t work.”
Jade puts aside her fork, then lays her chin in the upturn of a palm. “Do you want to know what your problem is?”
Not particularly.
I lift my nose. Go ahead and tell me, Jade.
The corners of her lips shoot up then droop. Unflattering comments about to come your way, Willow.
“You’re the hardest working, most generous and loving person I’ve ever known—”
That’s not so bad.
“But—”
My mood sinks again. Of course there’s a but, Jade.
“You’re just like every other girl raised in Capitol Hill. You think it’s going to get you somewhere and what you want will drop into your lap. Sorry, dear. Life doesn’t work that way and neither do men.”
I roll my eyes in a pretense of not being hurt.
“Yeah, blow me off, Willow. But I told you it once seven years ago and it’s true today. Most girls are unhappy because even when what they want is right in front of them they’re afraid to go after it. I wanted Gary. I wanted this.” She gestures around her gourmet kitchen. “It didn’t drop in my lap and I went after it.”
I nod, but inside my head inner me stomps her foot. Don’t listen to her, Willow. That advice would only work if you wanted someone like Gary, which you don’t. You want Eric, a much more complicated proposition.
I frown.
Snarky Willow crosses her arms and lifts her nose.
My gaze shifts and I find Jade studying me, chewing slowly. One red brow jerks upward. Yeah, I’m right.
After shoving a forkful of my salad in my mouth, I slouch back against my chair. “So you’re saying I should just hop on a plane and go to Santa Barbara and see what happens?”
Jade lights up. “I didn’t say that at all. But, yes, I think you should. No one comes with perfect pieces of a life. You have to work them together. You’re hard working, but too inflexible, sis. You can’t have a relationship with a man if you aren’t willing to bend.”
Really? That from Jade. Willing to bend?
“It isn’t like there’s anything in Seattle keeping you here anymore,” she adds bluntly.
Thank you, Jade, for pointing that out.
“You don’t have to commit to anything, Willow. Go there and see what happens.”
“That’s your great big sister advice on how to fix my life? Hop on a plane and see what happens?”
“Yep. Isn’t that better than being in a holding pattern? Check it out. It could be good.”
