by Marie Meyer
Weaving between the rows of Nautilus equipment, I made my way to the door. I had an hour and a half before I needed to pick Erin up for the Amphion party tonight. Leo was excited to show us off to the higher-ups at the record label. He’d wanted to host a party in our honor sooner, but we’d held him off; Nee needed time to get comfortable with our music. Leo gave her a month. We rehearsed our asses off, leaving only a few hours for sleep, work, and school. Every other aspect of our lives was filled with Mine Shaft obligations. We weren’t individuals anymore, but fractions of a whole.
A cool fall breeze blew across my damp skin as I pushed open the door. It was days like this that made owning a motorcycle worth it. I anticipated the ride home.
As I crossed the parking lot, I shot Erin a quick text, See you at 7. After two steps I already had a reply: Can’t wait. Sooooooooooo excited!! :)
I shook my head at her fondness for the letter “o.” Erin was yet another casualty of Mine Shaft’s newfound success. I didn’t have much free time, which meant she and I didn’t have many opportunities to go out. My new lifestyle wasn’t conducive to fostering a new romantic endeavor, and Erin was getting the short end of the stick. I didn’t have the time or energy to worry about our relationship at the moment. Honestly, my heart wasn’t in it. I knew it, and I was pretty sure Erin did, too. That’s why she tried so hard, for the both of us. At least the party tonight would get her off my back for a couple of days.
Stowing my gym pass and wallet, I mounted my bike and started her up. She purred to life between my legs, and I gave her a good rev before pulling out of the parking space.
Traffic was light, and I was able to sail through town. The wind blew across my face and through my hair, quickly drying the sweat from my body. I relished the twenty minutes of travel time between the gym and my apartment. If anyone tried to call, I couldn’t hear the phone over the roar of the engine. It was just me, the wind, and my bike—a blissful trio.
* * *
Arriving home, I showered quickly and was ready for Amphion’s party. Looking at the clock, I saw I had enough time to give Jillian a call before I needed to be at Erin’s place. Jillian and I hadn’t had a meaningful conversation in more than two weeks, and it was wearing on me, bleeding into my music. I was so sick of writing shit. I needed to talk to her, hear her voice. Find my inspiration again. She brought so much light and color into my life; it was no wonder things seemed so bleak right now. Damn, I missed her.
Resting my back against the headboard of my bed, I pressed Jillian’s name and listened to a series of rings. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath, ready for the next round of tag to begin. “Hi, it’s Jillian. Leave a message.”
I squeezed my fingers around the phone, resisting the urge to launch it across the room. I bit down on my lower lip and yanked the phone away from my ear, ending the call. “God damn it, Bean. Where are you?” I shouted.
I kicked my legs off the side of the bed and stood, sliding the phone into my back pocket, walking out of my room. In the hallway I knocked on Thor’s door.
“Yeah?” He opened the door and poked his head out.
I kicked the doorframe with my boot. “I’m heading out,” I said in a low growl. I hadn’t meant to sound pissed off, but I couldn’t help it.
He threw a quick look over his shoulder and turned back to me. “For the party? Already?” He opened the door just enough to fit his body through and closed it quickly. He was wearing only boxers, and I knew I’d interrupted something.
“Shit. I’m sorry, man. I’ll leave alone.” I turned toward the stairs.
“I’ll meet you there,” he said, rubbing his shaved head.
I stopped and looked over my shoulder. “Bringing Harper tonight?” I nodded to his closed door.
“Maybe.” He glanced over his shoulder.
I held up my hands. “I’ll be on my best behavior.”
Thor chuckled. “It’s not you I’m worried about, man.”
With a nod I headed for the stairs. “Later.”
* * *
Amphion had spared no expense. The party rocked. The old Victorian mansion and sprawling estate offered a nice counterpoint to Mine Shaft’s alt-rock sound filtering through the state-of-the-art sound system. The house belonged to one of the Amphion investors. From the looks of it, Amphion artists were making someone a hell of a lot of money.
Yet despite the vastness the mansion offered, I still felt like the walls were closing in. It was imperative that I talk to Jillian. In my current mood, someone was bound to get hurt.
I pressed my lips to Erin’s ear and whispered, “I’ll be right back.” I kissed her cheek and excused myself from the conversation we were having with Leo.
“Everything OK?” she asked.
I nodded. “Just need some fresh air.”
“I’ll go with you.” She reached for my hand, but didn’t catch it before I pushed it through my hair.
“No, stay. Enjoy the party.” I touched her shoulder and smiled at Leo. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
“You sure?” She pressed close, concern hiding her usual smile.
“Yeah.”
“OK.” The corners of her lips turned up in a halfhearted smile. “I’ll be right here when you get back.”
“I’ll keep her company,” Leo chimed in.
“Sounds good.” I nodded, regarding him. “Be back in a few.” I planted a quick kiss on her cheek and turned to navigate my way through the suits.
I walked through the crowded house and out onto the deck in the back. The sun was just about to set below the horizon. A stiff wind blew through the trees, stripping the last of the leaves from the branches.
Through the rustle of the leaves, a few lonely cicadas filled the early evening with a song. I exhaled. Being here tonight, I wished more than anything that Jillian were, too. We’d always talked about the day Mine Shaft would hit it big, how we’d celebrate. I’d never dreamed I’d be celebrating without her. It felt wrong on so many levels.
I glanced behind me. The glow of the party’s lights filtered through the glass patio doors. Dozens of strangers had vied for my attention all night, kissing my ass, in order to keep Mine Shaft happy and make more money for the already well-off producers. Hell, a few of the producers didn’t even try to hide the fact that they would have been happier if I’d signed as a solo artist. Regardless, none of the pomp and circumstance inside the mansion meant shit to me. All I wanted was to hear Jillian’s voice. To tell her everything.
To have her here.
I tapped the toe of my boot against the stair railing and pressed Jillian’s name on my phone for the second time tonight. I willed her to pick up.
“Hi, it’s Jillian. Leave a message.”
Defeated and worried as hell, I closed my eyes and waited for the beep this time. “Hey, Bean. Sorry I didn’t leave a message earlier. I just get so tired of hearing your voice message instead of you. Call me. I need to talk to you.” I pressed “End” and rested my elbows on the railing.
I did need to talk to her. With Amphion getting the ball rolling with a spring tour, I had a huge decision to make…one that could jeopardize my relationship with my parents. They were supportive of my music as long as it didn’t interfere with what they felt was more important…school. If the tour was green-lit, we’d head out in May, which meant I’d have a legit reason to quit school. Which also meant I’d let my parents down. I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t know if it was the right thing. I needed Jillian’s perspective…her guidance.
“Hey, everything good?”
Behind me Erin’s accent drowned out the mating call of the cicadas. I turned and watched her close the patio door.
No, everything wasn’t good. I shook my head. “I still can’t get ahold of Jillian.”
Her heeled boots clicked a steady beat on the deck. “Seems like she’s adjusting well to college life, if you ask me.”
I didn’t ask. A flare of anger kindled at my center. Why is she out here?
I’d told her to stay inside.
Erin nudged me with her shoulder. “I’m sure she’s out with her roommate or at a study session.”
“Yeah.” I forced myself to believe her words.
Erin didn’t say anything else. We stood side by side on the deck and gave the cicadas a chance to drown the awkward tension. I knew Erin was trying her best to be comforting, but she didn’t understand the connection Jillian and I had…what we’d been through in the last twelve years. She was my best friend. I needed her right now. But more than anything, I needed to know she was all right. And playing phone tag was shit.
Erin turned toward me, lifted my arm, and fit herself to my side. I flashed her a quick smile. A fake smile. “Come on, lighten up.” She pressed, jostling me. “Jillian’s fine. You’re missing out on a great party in there.”
“Not really into partying right now.”
Erin sighed heavily and pulled away. Turning to face me head on, she crossed her arms and stared me down. “I’m trying here, Griffin. I’m trying to understand what it is that you have with her. But I don’t get it. She’s been gone a little over a month and all you’ve done is sulk.”
Erin’s ice-blue eyes and cold words stung. I didn’t expect her to understand my relationship with Jillian. Hell, since Jillian kissed me, I’d been trying to figure it out myself. Now that she was gone, I didn’t know what I wanted.
Wrong. Yes I did. But I couldn’t have what I wanted.
I challenged Erin, returning her stare. I knew she was waiting for an apology, or reassurance that everything was all right between us. But I couldn’t offer any consolations. I knew I was being an ass, but right now…at this very moment…all I wanted was to hear Jillian’s fucking voice. Jillian was all that mattered.
“I’ll be inside,” she said. She left without giving me a second glance.
Yep. I deserved that. I was being a dick, but the worst part was, I didn’t care.
“Fuck.” I walked down the stairs and out into the yard. Lyrics to a song itched in the back of my mind, something about being lost in the dark. I envisioned the darkness as a living, breathing creature—a thing that swallowed memories and cries for help, until there was nothing left for it to consume but the souls trapped within it. I had to laugh. Since late August, my songwriting had taking on a much darker tone.
Erin was right. I needed to lighten the fuck up or no one would buy a Mine Shaft album.
Skirting the perimeter of the yard, where the forest lined the freshly mown grass, I turned and made my way along the side of the house. Inside, the sound system’s bass pounded, sending vibrations through the walls and across the yard. I could feel it. It’s what I loved most about the bass—the way it got under my skin. The music fused with every cell of my body, while my heart pumped, keeping it alive. I lived off of that feeling, like my heart couldn’t beat without the force of the music behind it. In a lot of ways, Jillian had the same effect on me. She made me feel alive. I hid it well, but without her I was sinking beneath the weight of the recording contract, school, and Erin. I couldn’t breathe anymore.
I made my way toward the front of the house, still concentrating on the faint thump of the sound system. Following the walkway to the porch, I made the conscious decision to go back inside before I pissed anyone else off.
The second I opened the door, Pauly shouted, “Where the fuck have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you.”
“I needed some air.” I hooked my thumb over my shoulder and pushed past him, through the doorway.
Pauly stared at me, holding a beer in one hand and an electrical cord in the other. “What the hell are you doing?” I asked.
“We’re setting up. Here, help me with this.” He thrust the cord into my hand. “Follow me.” He turned, expecting me to comply, but I didn’t.
“We can’t. Nee’s not here yet.”
Pauly turned around slowly and swung his arm around my neck, careful not to spill his beer. “Nee just got here, and now the producers want their show.”
“Damn.” I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to play.
“Come on.” Pauly lifted his arm off of me and held his beer high. “Welcome to the world of corporate music, Griffin, my man. They say, ‘Play,’ we say, ‘How loud?’”
“Yo, Pauly, what’s the holdup?” Thor asked, coming around the corner. “We need that extension cord. Glad you could join us.” Thor walked over and yanked the cord away from me. “You going to help, or what?”
I closed my eyes and shoved my fingers through my hair. Sucking in a deep breath, I let it out slowly, trying my damnedest to be professional. It was time to show these rich assholes what Mine Shaft was made of.
“Fuck it,” I said, beating a path to the room where all the investors and producers mingled. “Let’s do this.”
* * *
I closed my eyes, listening as the drums helped steady my bass line. With the mic at my lips, I didn’t concentrate on anything but the music.
I let it override my system.
Sweat rolled down my neck. My fingers walked over the strings of my bass. My body absorbed every note.
Nee gave one final thump to the bass drum, and the lifeblood of the song vibrated throughout the room even after we finished playing. The small crowd of wealthy record producers erupted into applause. I looked to the guys and Nee, making eye contact with each one of them, and I smiled. No matter how stressed I was, music always had a way of setting me straight…just like Jillian.
“Thank you,” I said into the mic. I was out of breath.
Leo Dane pushed his way through the audience and came to stand beside me. He leaned close to the microphone. “The future of Amphion Productions,” he said, clapping louder. Pride oozed from his words.
I grinned, tossing the wet strands of hair off my forehead with a flick of my head. The future of Amphion Productions. The future? We had a lot riding on us.
“Mine Shaft,” Leo shouted. The rich suits whistled and whooped. It was actually comical seeing a bunch of rich old men pretending to be teenagers.
As I soaked in the sounds of the appreciative crowd, my eyes scanned the room, looking for Erin. Our eyes met, and I mouthed the words, “I’m sorry.”
A subdued smile pulled at the corners of her lips. She was careful not to give me a full one. I’d have to work for that. I needed to make it up to her. I had been a dick outside. Never once had I considered her feelings when it came to what Jillian and I had. As much as I’d tried to explain to Erin that Jillian and I were nothing more than very close friends, I was sure our relationship looked to be something more to an outsider. But who was I kidding? There was something more, I just refused to let it happen.
I was ready to leave. I needed to make things right with Erin. She was a kick-ass girl who deserved so much more than she was getting from me. Setting my bass into the gig bag, I turned to the microphone so I could wrap up this celebration and take my girlfriend home.
“We’d like to thank Amphion for this opportunity. We’re happy to be part of the family and we’re ready to rock!” I shouted, and another thunderous round of applause filled the house.
I stepped away from the mic and made my way through the crowd. Strangers shook my hand and patted my back, but I didn’t stop until I reached Erin.
When I was two feet from holding her in my arms, my phone beeped, signaling a new voice message. Still pushing through the crush of people, I pulled my phone out and looked at the missed call. Staring at Jillian’s name, without a second thought, I knew who I wanted at my side.
Chapter Sixteen
With my ass parked in a chair in the back row of the econ lecture hall, I tapped a quiet beat on the small desktop with my pencil. Down front, Professor Dewley rambled on about numerical representations of preferences. I listened to the lecture and took notes, but my mind kept wandering back to the argument Erin and I had had last night.
October had been a good month for us. November…not so much. When I mentioned travel
ing to Rhode Island for Thanksgiving, she’d thrown an all-out temper tantrum. I’d never seen anything like it, and I certainly hadn’t been expecting her reaction.
I was trying to make things work with her. She was fun, kind, and drop-dead gorgeous. But with each passing day, I knew I was grasping at nonexistent heartstrings. Erin wasn’t who I wanted. I was being unfair to her by not ending things. If I was honest with myself, I knew why I kept Erin around. With the cover of a girlfriend, no one tried to push Jillian on me. It kept me honest and Jillian safely on track to following her dreams. She didn’t need me derailing something she’d wanted and waited for her whole life.
Professor Dewley waved a long pointing stick in his hand and tapped it against the ancient chalkboard at the front of the room. The two-sided board teetered and threatened to roll over to the side he hadn’t written on. “This is important, people. Make sure you have it written down. It will be on the test next week.”
I was jotting down the notes he’d pointed out when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I left my pencil on the notebook and pulled it free, my heart giving an extra thump when I saw Jillian’s picture and name on the screen.
Standing up, I answered the call and walked toward the glowing exit sign. “Jillibean!” I shouted a little too loudly, but I didn’t care. I pushed through the door, unable to contain the smile that spread across my face. I missed her so much my body ached, literally. The Jillian-size hole that had been produced in my life two months ago had festered to the point that it just fucking hurt. Although it had only been four days since we’d last talked, it felt like an eternity.
