by Marie Meyer
My arms were around her instantly. I bowed my head and took a deep breath, letting the familiar scent of her fill my lungs. I would have stayed like this forever, but it was fucking cold outside. I pulled her closer, wrapped her tighter in an effort to make her warm, and moved my mouth to her ear. “Jillibean,” I whispered. “You going to let me through the door? It’s freezing out here.”
Like she’d been struck by lightning, she jumped and pulled away from me. “Oh, sorry.” She grimaced and stepped aside so I could come in.
Once I was through the door, I had to have her back in my arms. It’d been too fucking long. Without a word I pulled her to my side, where she belonged. In seconds I realized I fucking loved this girl with every fiber of my being. I didn’t want to live another second without her fucking knowing it. The two options I’d thought about last night went by the wayside, making room for a third option: Jillian was the one. As much as I’d tried to stay away, I couldn’t anymore. I had to have her.
But I couldn’t hurt Erin like that, so until I was able to break things off with her, I would have to restrain myself. Goddamn, this visit is going to be hard.
I looked down and smiled and when her eyes met mine, I could have gotten on one knee and proposed marriage right then and there, but now wasn’t the right time, so I resorted to jokes. “Have you always been this short? I don’t remember you being this short.” She laughed and I pulled her closer to my side. But really, has she always been this short?
“You have no idea how happy I am to see you,” she whispered.
Wanna bet, sweetheart? “Oh, I’m pretty sure I do,” I answered quietly.
Jillian led the way to the top floor and opened the door to her room. I’d just driven eighteen hours with minimal breaks, I was tired, and her bed looked as inviting as ever. I dropped my arm from her shoulder, left my shit in the middle of the floor, and stretched out on her green comforter.
“You’re tired,” she mumbled.
I lifted my head off her pillow, kicked my boots off, and held out my hands. Why the hell is she standing by the door looking at me as if I were a goddamned stranger? I let out a sigh and said, “Come here.”
She walked toward me and sat on the very edge of the bed. Seriously, what is going on with her? She’s acting so strangely. Her telltale fidgeting gave her away; my Jillibean was nervous. But why?
Reaching across her lap, I stilled her busy fingers with my hand. I pulled her hand to my chest and relaxed back onto her pillow. I trailed my fingers in lazy paths over her skin, until they rested on the Band-Aid covering the wound from earlier that week. Maybe this is why she’s nervous? Or scared?
I wanted to her ease her anxiety, so I shifted my body over, making room for her to curl up beside me. I tugged her down onto the bed and wrapped my arms around her. “Now I can rest.” I smiled through a yawn, loving how perfectly we fit together. We’d slept like this hundreds of times over the years and I’d taken each one for granted. Well, not anymore.
Jillian let out of deep breath and relaxed further. I closed my eyes, reveling in the feeling of her pressed against me, my world set to rights.
* * *
“What is that god-awful noise?” I groaned. It sounded like the wail of a hundred dying cats. I shook Jillian’s shoulder.
“Ugh,” she moaned. “That’s my alarm.” She rolled off the bed and stood up, stretching her hands above her head before she walked to her desk and turned the alarm off.
I rolled onto my back, taking up the entirety of her bed. I tried to move my right arm, but because Jillian had slept on it all night, it was asleep. I forced my fingers to wiggle a little and eventually the pins-and-needles feeling spread from the palm, all the way to my shoulder. “What time is it?” I asked, throwing my left arm over my eyes to shield them from the light Jillian had flipped on.
“Six thirty,” she said with a yawn.
I turned my head and stared at her from under my elbow. “Are you kidding?”
“Nope.” She flashed me a pretty grin and walked toward the bed. “Come on, Daniels. I only get you for a couple of days. There’s no way I’m letting you spend them in bed.”
Spending the next couple of days in bed didn’t sound half bad, but I wouldn’t want to spend them sleeping. Shit! What am I thinking? There was no way in hell that Jillian and I could be together. I wouldn’t ruin this for her, and I wouldn’t hurt Erin.
Jillian pushed on my shoulder, rocking me back and forth. “Dude, get up!”
As much as I wanted to pull her down on the bed with me, I fought that urge and pushed myself up to rest on my elbows. “All right, all right. I’m up.” Sitting the rest of the way, I scrubbed my hands over my face and blinked away the fatigue from driving eighteen hours straight.
Jillian stood beside me, her hands resting on her hips. I lifted my tired eyes, wanting to get a better look at her. She was dressed in a long orange sweater, tights, and furry boots, and I once again fought the temptation to pull her to me and lose myself in all that softness. This is going to be a long fucking weekend. “You got a plan, Bean?” I gave her a lopsided grin, hoping to distract her from the growing situation in my pants. I had to pull myself together.
“Yes,” she beamed back at me. “It snowed last night. We’re going to be the first ones to put tracks in the snow. And we need to find an open coffee shop. I need caffeine.”
All I could do was smile at her plan. This time her words elicited only good memories. Memories of when Jillian and I were kids and living next door to each other. With each newly fallen snow, Jillian wanted to be the first to put down tracks. She’d stand on her porch and yell my name until I came outside.
“Griffin! Hey, Griff! It snowed, get your butt out here! Griffffiiinnn!”
I pushed open the screen door, slipping on a coat. “Jillibean, it’s so early. What are you yelling about?”
“It snowed! Come on, let’s make tracks before it gets messed up.”
“What is it with you and making tracks in the snow?” I asked, irritated that she’d woken me up so early.
“I don’t know.” She shrugged, bouncing up and down, barely able to contain her excitement. “It’s like the world’s been erased and you can make it look any way you want. You can make a path go anywhere.” She stepped off the porch and onto the first step. “Come on.” Bounding down the last two steps, she placed her foot into the ankle-deep snow.
I followed suit. I made careful, deliberate steps, cutting a curved path toward Jillibean. She did the same, until we stood toe-to-toe.
She looked up at me, beaming. She had such a pretty smile. I wished I saw it more. Few things made her smile like this.
“See,” she said, pointing to our footprints. “We made our own path. We can make it look however we want.”
I nodded. “Yeah.” Then I pushed her shoulder just enough to make her teeter and fall backward into the powdery snow.
“Griffin!” she yelled, lying flat on her back.
I burst into laughter.
But instead of getting mad at me and stomping back into the house, she began moving her arms and legs, giggling.
I shrugged and lay down, too, making my snow angel right beside hers.
I felt the bed bounce and I shook my head, the memory blowing away like flakes of snow.
“Griff? Everything OK?” she asked.
Pulling my legs off the bed, I sat beside her, smiling. Lifting my arm around her shoulders, I hugged her to my side. “Never better.”
She scrunched her eyes, small lines creasing her forehead. “You’re acting strange.”
With one last squeeze of her shoulders, I stood up. My back popped and creaked in protest. “Nope. No strange here. We better get to that snow before someone else does.”
Jillian watched as I took a few steps toward the door, where I’d left my duffel bag. I was so stiff after being crammed in Ren’s car, and then sleeping on a bed that was meant for a toddler. The world was unforgiving of people who were taller than
six feet.
I stretched my hands above my head and leaned from one side to the other, my back snapping loudly. “Ahh…,” I groaned.
“You all right there, Daniels?” Jillian asked, her eyebrow pulling up.
“Uhh…” I sighed. “Yeah, just stiff.” What I wouldn’t give for a workout. “Do I have time to do a couple sets of push-ups?” I asked her. “I need to loosen up.”
“Make ’em quick,” she demanded with a wink. “My snow and coffee await.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I saluted and dropped to the ground.
Jillian shook her head, smiling, and walked to stand in front of the mirror.
I pounded out a set of push-ups, loving the strain I felt in my arms and shoulders. The stiffness from moments ago dissipating.
Occasionally I’d catch myself stealing a glance at Jillian. She pulled some orange stuff through her hair, turning it into something that resembled a Dreamsicle. To me Jillian had always been pretty, but after the two months we’d been apart, she wasn’t just pretty anymore, she was fucking gorgeous. The way that sweater dress clung to her curves did things to me that it shouldn’t.
When she caught me watching her, I looked away and quickened my pace, breathing harder, trying my best to keep my mind from wandering to places it wasn’t allowed to go. Set two was almost finished. “Ninety-eight…ninety-nine…,” I grunted, “one hundred.” I extended my forearms and pulled myself up. Damn, that felt good. I was breathing hard and a thin layer of sweat beaded on my forehead.
Lifting one arm above my head, I bent it back, using my other hand to press down on my elbow. While I held the stretch, I watched Jillian in the mirror again.
She caught my stare and our eyes locked. I didn’t avert my gaze this time. I couldn’t have even if I’d wanted to. An inexplicable force had a hold on us. Neither of us spoke. There was something different in the way she watched me.
“Better now?” She pulled the orange color through another strand of hair and smirked, breaking the connection.
I switched arms. “Absolutely.”
“Good. You ready to go?” She sprayed some stuff in her hair, turned around, and leaned on the little dresser, folding her arms across her chest.
I glanced down at my sweat-soaked t-shirt and held up a finger. “Quick shower, I promise.” I spun around and picked up my duffel bag and ran out the door before she had a chance to protest.
Before the door clicked shut, I heard her laughing, a sound I’d missed more than I realized.
Chapter Nineteen
We found an open Starbucks, drank coffee, and caught up on each other’s lives. I still hadn’t grown accustomed to Jillian being the stranger in my life, not knowing every small detail like she always used to. I didn’t like it.
By the time our drinks were gone, it was time to head back out into the cold. We were both more than ready to hunker down in her room, eat pizza, and enjoy each other’s company. I even promised her I would help with one of her design projects.
“You’re really going to help me with my designs while you’re here?” she asked.
“Victoria told me all of her secrets before I left.” I tapped a finger on my temple. I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into, but for Jillian, I’d do it.
“Well, shit, too bad I’m not designing a line of lingerie. And how did you get Vicky to share her secrets?” She grinned.
“You probably don’t want to know.” It was a damn shame she wasn’t designing a lingerie line. Now that would have been fun. I’d have her modeling that shit all night. I winked at her as my imagination conjured some naughty designs of my own. Standing, I pulled my jacket from the back of the chair.
She stood too and grabbed her coat. “You’re incorrigible.”
She has no idea. I reached over and took the coat from her hands, holding it out for her. “Damn right I am.”
A small chuckle fell from her lips as she tucked her arms into the sleeves of her coat. I brought the collar up, resting it on her back, and with my other hand lifted her blond-and-orange hair from beneath it. She turned her head and stared up at me. “Thanks.”
“My pleasure.” And it was.
* * *
Like old times, we spent most of the afternoon playing in the snow. After a pretty wicked snowball fight, and Jillian thoroughly kicking my ass, I fell over and cried, “Uncle!” I lay on the cold ground, staring up at the fading blue Providence sky, trying to catch my breath.
Jillian plopped down beside me, laughing, out of breath, too.
Out of the corner of my eye I watched her, our chests rising and falling heavily to the same beat as we both stared into space. The fingers of my left hand just barely touched the outstretched fingertips of her right hand. I wasn’t quite sure how long we stayed like this, all I knew was I didn’t want to move. When we shared silent moments like this, my heart threatened to stop beating altogether. She was so much a part of my life that I had a hard time recognizing myself without her.
She turned her head in my direction and I did the same, meeting her eyes. She smiled. “That was fun.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve had any of that.”
“Me too,” she sighed. “My ass is cold.”
“Mine, too,” I agreed, but didn’t move a muscle.
“We should go in.”
“Yeah.” I still didn’t move. I liked the quiet. I liked that it was just the two of us.
Jillian didn’t move either. I held her eyes, the dark brown of her irises drew me in. She blinked and sighed, but didn’t look away. “You going to get up?” She challenged me to be the one to break away first.
“After you, Bean.” I gave her a little nod.
“I don’t want to move,” she whispered.
I felt the same way. There was a kind of magic surrounding us. I could feel it. If either of us moved, the magic holding us in this moment would disappear.
“Neither do I.”
“But we have to get up.” Her smile faded. “It’s getting dark.”
“Here, I’ll help you up.” I stretched my hand out farther, grasping her fingers and pulling her hand into mine. I lifted my back off the ground and hopped up, pulling Jillian with me.
Her arms went around my waist. “Whoa!” she gasped, having not expected to be yanked off the ground.
Now that I was standing, my brain registered how fucking cold it really was. A shiver went down my spine and my teeth began to chatter. “It’s damn cold out here, I’m going in.”
Reaching behind my back, I latched her hand in mine, and we ran back to the dorm. Jillian swiped her keycard at the main doors and we rushed inside. Jillian was shivering uncontrollably, her shoulders shaking. My arms were around her instantly, wrapping her against my body, sharing what little warmth I had to offer.
I ran my hands up and down her back, holding her as close to me as I could. I didn’t want to let her go. “You’re so cold.”
“Yyyyeeeess.” Her teeth chattered as she spoke.
Even though I was freezing, too, my first priority was getting her warmed up. “You need dry clothes and hot chocolate.”
Still keeping her folded against me, I angled my body so I could walk us up the flight of stairs to her room.
Once we made it to her floor, I pulled open the heavy steel door and Jillian stepped through. She yanked a lanyard from the inside of her coat and unlocked her door.
Once inside, we clomped over to the bed and collapsed beside each other. My eyes slid closed, and I reveled in the quiet once again. Nothing was quiet at home anymore. I missed those quiet days with the band.
I missed my quiet times with Bean.
Letting my head flop to the side, I opened my eyes. She stared back at me, the corners of her mouth lifted into a lazy smile. Her eyes, the color of a deep, rich espresso, were warm and inviting. I wanted to take in every last drop, but I couldn’t keep my gaze from drifting and settling on her lips.
Those lips. The same lips that had tested the
boundary of our friendship three months ago. The same lips I’d pushed away. It would be the easiest thing in the world to stretch my neck another inch or two and our lips would meet again. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to tell her I was an idiot for pushing her away.
Despite my racing heart, I relaxed my head, letting it fall a little farther to the side, my temple resting against hers.
She inhaled slowly. Our lips a breath away…
Damn, I want her.
Inwardly I was screaming, fighting with every last cell in my body to resist that last half inch, because if I didn’t, I knew I wouldn’t be able to push her away this time. And I had to. I had to give her a chance at the life she’d dreamed about.
I wouldn’t fuck this up for her.
Before I steeled myself to break our connection, I paused to memorize the way her lips parted. The way her heated breath felt when it kissed my lips. Then, with all the strength I could muster, I gritted my teeth, grabbed her hand, and sat up. “So, what about that pizza?” I said with a little too much enthusiasm.
“Oh!” she shrieked, startled.
“You promised me pizza.” I pulled my eyebrows down, giving her my best attempt at a serious face, anything to disguise how I was really feeling.
Sitting up, she took a big breath and let it out loudly. Her shoulders followed suit, rising and then lowering before she spoke. “Yeah.” Letting go of my hand, she clapped hers together. “Pizza. Right.” She pushed a hand through her hair and sighed again.
I could tell by her reaction that she’d felt the pull, too.
Digging into her pocket, she freed her phone and tapped the screen a few times before she put it to her ear. She gave me a toothless smile, not saying a word. Things felt so fucking awkward between us. I hated it.
The second someone answered on the other line, Jillian stood, pacing while she ordered.
