by Nikki Blythe
“So, I did. I left her. I packed my bags and left the apartment, leaving only a note to explain that I had gone, and I had no intention of returning.”
“But,” began Cedar. “Clearly, you returned. What happened to make you go back to her?”
“Ah, well, I received a phone call later the next day saying from a nurse over at the hospital. Faith had attempted to kill herself, and I was still her emergency contact, you see. I know it was a ploy to get me to return, but nevertheless, it worked. I stayed with her to help her heal, and to help her get around. She had slit her wrists so deeply, they almost couldn’t save her. According to the doctor, it was so bad that had she not been found when she had, she would have been gone for sure.”
“Oh, but Neville, you know that none of that was your fault, right?” Cedar's soft voice and kind eyes pulled me in. They took my breath away. Here I was, spilling my guts to her, and I had never felt more comfortable in my life.
“I know that rationally none of her behavior is my fault. But that illogical part of my brain blames myself for a lot of what is going on, for a lot of what has gone on for the past several years. It's hard to explain, really.”
“No, I understand,” she said with a frown. “I think I told you a bit about how my ex left me at the altar, yes?”
I nodded.
“Well, before that, he had always been very controlling. I wouldn't say that he was particularly abusive, not in the way Faith is to you-”
“No,” I cut her off. “Look, trauma is trauma. Whatever abuse you experienced is still abuse, and it's not okay. Don't compare those experiences, because eventually you fall into the ‘well, it's not all that bad’ trap, and that can be dangerous.”
I moved my hands to place them on top of hers and gave a light squeeze. “I don't say that to hurt or alarm you, but never downplay your experiences. Sure, maybe you didn't experience a full on beating by your ex, but he still left his marks on you, regardless. Your experiences are valid, Cedar,” I finished with a small smile.
“You're right,” she replied gingerly. She took a breath and continued, “At any rate, his abuse, the things he did to me, I always felt like they were my fault, somehow, you know? Like, I know they weren't, but it doesn't change that part of my mind that wants to take responsibility for his actions.”
“Yeah, exactly,” I sighed, relieved she understood. “Anyway, that was three years ago, now, and lately I've been trying to leave again. I need to get out, but I wasn't sure how. The other night I broke it off again, but she hasn't really taken it seriously. I haven't been home since then; I'm not exactly sure what to expect. She keeps calling, and is relentless in her apologies, but I just know that I can't go back to that. I'm done. I want to move on.
“With you, honestly.”
“With me?” Cedar asked, eyes wide.
“Yeah. I mean, I know it's likely not the healthiest choice to want to move on so soon after leaving a toxic relationship, but I can't help the way I feel about you,” I said.
“I understand that, I do,” Cedar nodded. “I can't explain what it's like to feel something after so long of feeling nothing, but if we are to move ahead with this, we need to be careful about how it's done. We're both healing, right? So we need to make sure we don't become co-dependent on each other, and that we don't have to use each other for that healing.”
I didn't quite see what the problem with that would be, but I was too elated to hear she felt that she wanted to be with me to say anything against it.
My phone buzzed in my pocket suddenly, and I sighed, knowing it would definitely be Faith.
“One second, let me check this message,” I sighed, as I picked up my phone from the table next to my coffee mug.
A quick swipe unlocked my phone, and just as I suspected, there was a text from Faith. I hadn't responded to any of them in the past several days, but that didn't stop her trying.
“Neville, come home. We need to talk. SOS,” read the message.
I stared at it for a solid minute, unable to form a coherent thought.
“Neville?” Came Cedar's calm voice. “Is everything all right? You've gone pale.”
I nodded, her voice bringing me back to Earth. “Faith messaged me, she wants to talk.”
“Do you feel safe meeting her alone?”
“Not really? But I think I need to get to the point where I can explain to her that this is real, and I'm really gone. Plus, I need to collect some of my shit from the apartment. Given her desire not to have me have any input on the apartment, not much is mine but my clothes, toiletries, and a few electronics. I can get all of that out in half and an hour or less, honestly.”
“Isn’t the apartment yours?”
“Yeah, but I’m giving her time to find her own place.”
“How is that going to work if she isn’t accepting your separation?” Cedar’s voice was level and I realized I hadn’t thought about that. Was I keeping Faith on the hook, unintentionally, by not forcing her to leave?
“Do you want company?” She asked, her voice probing when I didn’t respond.
“Not particularly, if I'm honest. I'm afraid of how she would react if she were to meet you,” I said giving her hand another squeeze with my free hand. “Besides, I can text Levi if something goes wrong, and he's right there across the street from the apartment.”
Cedar nodded. “All right, well, I'll head home then, and I'll see you later?”
The way she phrased it as a question melted my heart. She wanted to see me and was worried I wouldn't want to.
“Of course,” I smiled.
We stood and paid for our drinks before walking out the door of the cafe together. I turned before she could walk away and pulled her into a deep kiss. My lips met hers with a hunger - a hunger for affection or something else, I wasn't sure. She returned the kiss in kind, and it was difficult for me to break away from her.
“I'll call you,” I promised, before turning to walk towards my apartment.
Halfway down the street I turned to see her walking the other way, presumably towards her own place. I paused to watch her walk away, then turned and finished my trek home. The air was fragrant with the crab apple blooms from the trees lining the street, and the cool spring breeze pleased the senses.
Things were looking up, truly.
Minutes later, I walked through my front door to find Faith sitting on the couch, her face flush, and knee bobbing up and down rapidly.
“What's going on, Faith? What did you need to talk about?” I pressed.
I didn't sit down. Instead I started walking around the apartment, gathering my belongings. The plan was to grab as much as I could carry in my arms, and head back to the parlor.
“Neville,” Faith's voice sounded from behind me as I wrapped my laptop cable carefully. “I'm pregnant.”
Chapter Fifteen
Cedar
I left the coffee shop feeling optimistic, if a bit hungover. I might have had too much to drink the night before, but in my defense, I was attempting to rid myself of the memory of Neville.
For no reason, apparently.
The night had definitely taken an interesting turn of events. I wasn't sure how things would progress from that moment on, but I knew that I wanted to try to continue this forward momentum we had gained.
I reached my apartment and pressed my way inside, longing for a good night’s sleep, or day’s sleep, rather. Too bad I had a class to lead that afternoon. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was only about 6 am. Perfect. I could sleep for a few hours before going into work. I couldn't cancel the afternoon's class, given that it was a prenatal yoga class, and not one of those mothers-to-be enjoyed having to reschedule their already incredibly packed schedules.
Luckily, it was a Wednesday, so it was my only class for the day, and Bethany could handle any new clients that walked through the door seeking information.
Decision made, I shot a text to Bethany to let her know that I would be in a bit late, and to ask
her to cover the desk for me while I was out. Then I sent a text to the group chat between Ivy, Elizabeth, Kyra, and myself. I wanted to let them know that I was okay, and nothing bad happened after we left the tattoo parlor. I didn't receive any response, so I figured they must all have passed out, much like I was about to.
Content that they would know I was safe when they saw the message later, I walked to the fridge and pulled a liter water bottle from the door and downed it with some pain killers. I hoped to stave off what was sure to be a killer headache when I woke up.
Feeling rather full of water and somewhat buoyant, I wandered to my bedroom only to find that Freckles had taken over the entire queen-sized bed in my absence. He was sprawled out in the middle, asleep. I stared at him for a brief moment, trying to decide if I wanted to disturb him or not. Finally deciding that I didn’t care all that much, I laid across one side of the bed, and fell asleep within seconds.
I woke later to the driest mouth ever. I smacked my lips, trying to moisten my tongue, but it felt like a kind of tar had formed, preventing my mouth from working properly.
Ugh, I thought. I have to stop drinking like that.
I glanced over to the middle of the bed. Freckles had abandoned me at some point, the little shit. I pushed myself into a sitting position, moving slowly to gauge my readiness for movement. When my head didn’t start pounding, and my stomach didn’t roil, I breathed a sigh of relief.
The clock on my phone read 12 pm. Perfect. I had an hour to get ready and get over to the studio. I took the hottest shower I could stand, then dressed in a pair of gray and white yoga pants, and a soft gray t-shirt, then made my way out the front door.
The weather was beautiful. The air was cool and fragrant, and the sun illuminated the street, casting an optimistic glow on the day.
I was feeling rather well, all things considered. I should have been feeling worse, given the amount of alcohol I had ingested the night before. Despite feeling okay, I decided to take the car to work. There was no reason to push it and make myself feel ill unintentionally.
The studio door was open when I arrived, and I gave Bethany a quizzical look when I stepped inside.
“Trying to air condition the neighborhood?” I asked in jest.
“No, Mom,” Bethany teased. “The weather is just so nice I thought I'd let some fresh air into the building.”
“Yeah, all right, that makes sense. It is really nice out. Any calls or messages for me?” I gestured to the front desk which was covered in tiny neatly stacked piles of paper.
“No messages except that Ms. Jones and her husband called to say they wouldn't make it to the prenatal class this afternoon, she's gone into labor and they’re at the hospital.”
“Oh, that's wonderful!” I clapped. “Why don't you go over to the flower shop and order a congratulatory bouquet for them on me?”
The flower shop was next door to Neville’s tattoo parlor, I remembered. I used their services often, as they had the best quality and the perfect rates. I amused myself with the thought that I had been there several times over the past year. At any point, I could have run into Neville. It was fate, our meeting, I was sure of it.
“Sure thing! Oh, before I forget, you have a new student for this afternoon’s class. She's waiting in the classroom right now. I told her you'd be arriving soon, and suggested she stick around and read some of the literature, since it would only be a bit longer.”
“Thank, Bethany! Good work. I'll go in and speak to her now. See you later!” I waved as Bethany grabbed her purse from the coat rack by the door and headed out.
I smiled, thinking how much I truly loved this business of mine. I felt often like I was a force of good in the community, even if only nominally, and it felt good to receive phone calls of good news from my students.
Sighing with a happiness that made me feel like I was floating, I walked into my prenatal yoga room. A couple of my classrooms were multi-purpose, but this room got to be all on its own, because I felt like it was important to help pregnant people feel like that had their own space. I devoted a lot to this practice of prenatal yoga, and would graduate parents to antenatal yoga courses, as well. This was the most tranquil of all my classrooms, with its light teal walls, a water fixture similar to the one in my office, and the soft lighting casting a warmth over the whole room. It was like stepping into a warm bath, much like my office.
I scanned the room for my new student and my eyes landed on a tall woman with perfectly curled blonde hair. She carried herself with grace, I noted, thinking she would take to yoga very well. Her posture was already perfect, so that wasn’t a hurdle we would have to overcome.
The door clicked closed behind me, and the woman turned, startled.
“Oh, goodness!” She cried. “You scared me!”
“I am so sorry!” I walked forward with my hand out. “My name is Cedar, and I'm the yoga director here. Bethany told me you're interested in taking my prenatal yoga class?”
“I sure am! I only just found out I'm expecting recently, but I would love to make sure I get this pregnancy on the right track as soon as possible.”
“Fantastic!” I clapped. “So, just to get the measure of the kind of services we can offer you, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
The woman nodded, and I held a hand out. “For starters, my name is Cedar. I'm the owner and teacher here, and I tend to take a personal interest in all of my students. Can I ask your name?”
“Sure,” she replied, flipping her blonde hair behind her shoulder. “My name is Faith.”
When she didn’t take my hand, I let it fall back to my side, but brushed the rejection aside.
“Well, it's lovely to meet you, Faith. So, have you done yoga before, or would this be your first time?”
“You know, I've never done it, but my fiancé has and he really enjoys the practice,” she said.
I watched for a moment as a strange feeling of foreboding overcame me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was like a mixture of nausea and elation. I shuddered and took a deep breath before speaking again.
“Oh, that's neat! Well, maybe if you take my class, I can get you two doing some couple's yoga,” I smiled.
Faith, who had been looking around the room with a divested interest suddenly turned her large, blue eyes on me. There was a frosty expression on her face for a moment, but as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. Maybe I'd imagined it.
“Oh, I assure you, we don't need any help in the way of couple's activities, if you know what I mean.”
She leaned forward with a conspiratorial wink, and I got the distinct impression her smile wasn't as genuine as she would have people believe. Something about her just felt so fake. I scolded myself mentally for having such a terrible thought about a complete stranger, but it couldn't be helped. This woman gave me the heebie-jeebies.
“Right,” I laughed, acting a bit fake in my own right. “So, how far along are you, again?”
“I've only just found out, so maybe only 5-6 weeks,” Faith beamed.
Her teeth were freakishly white. Like that one episode of Friends when Ross got his teeth whitened, white. Maybe that was what unnerved me about her.
“Oh, that's wonderful. Does the father know yet?”
“Oh yeah, we've been trying for so long, you see. He was right there when the stick turned pink!” Faith rummaged through her purse for a moment and withdrew a piece of gum. She popped it in her mouth and kept looking around the studio.
“It's so peaceful in here,” she remarked. “I love the water feature!”
“Thanks! I think it's important to give parents-to-be and new parents a space to find their inner peace. Parenthood is hard enough without having a space of your own, a place to which you can retreat, you know?”
“Oh, are you a mom?” Faith asked.
“No, not yet,” I smiled.
“Oh, okay, that makes sense.”
“Excuse me?” I asked, bewildered.
What a weird
turn this conversation had taken.
“You know,” Faith replied without responding to my question. “You may know my fiancé. He takes your Wednesday class.”
Ice crept up my spine, and for a moment I forgot to breathe. “Is that so?”
“Mm-hmm, his friend Levi dragged him here. I can understand why Neville keeps coming back here.” Her eyes snapped to mine. “I mean, it's peaceful, and look at you. You're gorgeous.”
“You're Neville's-”
“I am.”
I sat in stunned silence for a minute. The only sound in the room came from the waterfall on the wall, and the slow, deliberate smacking of Faith's gum.
When I finally found my voice it was strong and clear. “You need to leave.”
“Oh, no worries,” she smiled. “I just have one favor to ask you, first.”
“Please, just leave.”
“Stay away from Neville. He has enough going on without your whorish meddling, mk?”
“Leave, Faith, or I'm calling the police,” I said through gritted teeth.
I stood and watched as Faith exited the room. Before she left, she turned and gave me a tiny wave, as if she was exiting the stage of a beauty contest. As soon as I heard the door outside close, I sank in an exhausted heap onto the chair I'd only just vacated.
I didn't really know what to think, beyond asserting the fact that the woman was clearly bonkers.
Chapter Sixteen
Cedar
Pound. Pound. Pound.
I banged my tiny fist on the locked door of Neville's tattoo parlor. I knew he was in there. He had to be. He told me he wasn't sleeping at his apartment, given his ex's desire not to leave or let him go. After Faith left, and I led my class with as much focus as possible, I drove over to Neville’s because I just had to talk to him.
There was no answer, however.
I waited a few minutes longer, then pounded on the door again.
Pound. Pound. Pound.
