The crude words should have embarrassed me, but they lit a fire in me that scorched my ability to care. Every cell of my being was a quivering, aching ball of need as he laced his fingers with mine against the glass.
Still fully clothed, he abraded my hypersensitive skin.
Slowly, his fingers released mine. His palms pressed my hands to remind me to keep them there, and his moved down to cup my breasts where they still rode heavy in the cups of my bra. They didn’t stay there long before he reached back and unhooked it, freeing them and pinching my nipples… hard.
Gasping, I rolled my head to the side to smash my overheated cheek to the cold glass.
Plucking at my nipple rings, he buried his face in my hair. “I fucking love you.”
“God, Logan, I love you too.” Voice cracking, my reply ended in a whimper as he gripped my hips hard and rubbed his jean-clad length against me. Chest to my back, face to my hair, his every breath stimulated me.
“Take me to bed,” I pleaded, aching to finally have him.
Grasping the length of my hair in his fist, he tipped my head back to sweep his tongue through my mouth and ravage my lips. He didn’t stop until they were throbbing and bruised. “You think you’re ready for me?”
“Yes,” I whispered back. It was a lie that had me trembling. No, I wasn’t sure I was ready, but I wanted him more than my next breath.
When his fingers dipped in to soak themselves in my wet folds, then circle my clit, I jerked at the intensity of his touch. “So fucking wet for me. But is it enough? I’m probably not like the other guys you’ve been with. I’m not small, and I need things rough. Hard.” His words coupled with the continued circles he drew around the swollen bundle of nerves had me tensing with growing excitement as my mind went blank. We’d never talked about any other guys I’d dated, but at that moment that was absolutely insignificant.
Blood pounded in my ears as another orgasm built within me. It was pulsing with pressure that increased and intensified until I was on the verge of exploding.
One last flick of his skilled fingers, and everything fell apart. My hair wrapped around his hand and his fingers buried inside me were the only things that kept me upright as I shattered in his arms.
“Logan!” Lost in the swirling vortex of sexual gratification, I screamed.
“I’m here, baby.” The words came through a fog as I reveled in the throbbing bliss he’d so expertly cultivated. Vaguely aware we were moving, I quivered in satiated euphoria.
Like I was a precious and fragile commodity, he spread me out across the smooth cover of the bed. With heavy-lidded eyes, I followed his movements as he discarded his clothing.
Appreciation for his lean, beautiful body caused my lips to part as my breath rasped. Even though he’d pleasured me until I was a boneless heap, with each inch of skin that he exposed, need spread through me like a warm liquid.
Finally, he was nude before me. His massive erection stood proud as he allowed me to look my fill. When I couldn’t take the distance any longer, I reached out for him and he climbed on the bed. Every movement was slow and seductive, whether he meant them to be or not.
As he settled between my legs, I spread them further to accommodate his hips.
I’d expected him to jump right in and slide that big thing of his in me, but he surprised me again. His hands roved over my skin. Everywhere he could reach was explored.
Not groped, but rather an adoring sweep. As if I was precious.
The silky heat of his length pulsed against my core, where it was sliding steadily over my clit.
“Please.”
The word escaped on an involuntary gasp. I wanted to feel him inside me. For years I’d dreamed of this moment with him. The levels of want I’d experienced couldn’t even begin to be described.
I’d pictured his face with nearly every orgasm I’d ever experienced. Maybe that was obsessive, or weird, but it was the truth.
He paused, his mossy eyes searching mine for clarification.
“Logan, I want you. Now. Please.”
His lids dropped, momentarily hiding his truths from me. “I don’t deserve you.” He pressed a kiss between my breasts. The whisper-soft connection sent shudders through me. “I’m going to destroy you, but like everything else in my life, I can’t help myself.”
Grabbing his arms, I tugged. I was desperate to bring his lips to mine and his hardness into me. My hands twined in his hair, tipping his gaze to mine. “I’m a little more resilient than that. Don’t hold back for fear of hurting me.”
Regret flashed in the depths of his darkened eyes before being replaced by determination. “After tonight you may not see me the same, but unfortunately that’s not enough of a deterrent for me. Because the way you look at me… like I have worth… like I’m a prize… that’s everything to me. You make me feel omnipotent.”
He grabbed a condom from the nightstand, tore it open and tossed the wrapper on the floor. I watched as he slowly rolled it down his length.
Heart racing, breaths coming in soft pants, I pushed my nervousness to the recesses of my mind.
Notching the tip of his cock at my entrance, he glanced down to see where we were about to join and I held my breath. Anticipation welled in my chest and pooled in the apex of my thighs.
He maneuvered us until he was holding my arms above my head. I felt both vulnerable and safe with my wrists clasped in his calloused hands.
Slipping in and out a minuscule amount at a time, he tortured me until I thought I would go crazy. The room wavered as the last lingering effects of the alcohol cradled me. Or maybe it was oxygen deprivation because I still held my breath.
When I couldn’t hold it any longer, it escaped in a rush at exactly the same time that he surged forward.
The sharp ripping pain had my eyes welling with tears and a strangled whimper slipping from my throat. Freezing above me, he stared at me with wide eyes. I watched as the liquor immediately evaporated from his system.
A quick glance to where we were now completely connected pulled his eyes from me for only a split-second. With several rapid blinks, he returned his shocked gaze to mine.
“What the fuck?”
“My Own Worst Enemy”—Lit
The last fucking thing I ever expected was that Stella was a virgin.
Shock consumed me as I stared into her glistening blue eyes. I’d hurt her, but not like I’d ever anticipated. “Jesus, Stella. I didn’t know.”
When I moved to pull out of her, my cock protested—and so did she. “No! Don’t stop!”
Closing my eyes in an attempt to gather my control, I breathed deeply. When I thought I was good, my choked voice proved me wrong. “I hurt you! If I’d known I would’ve gone slower, prepared you better. Something.”
I was at a complete and total loss for words. The alcohol and opiates I’d ingested rapidly diminished from my body. The floating high I’d been riding on crashed like the Hindenburg. My chest caved as I tried to make sense of what had happened.
“I didn’t want you to treat me differently. I wanted all of you. I want all of you,” she pleaded, her brow furrowing as her eyes searched mine.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Astonishment still held me in its grip.
Worry enveloped her features. “I was afraid if you knew I wasn’t as experienced as the other women you’ve been with that you wouldn’t want me. I didn’t want you thinking I couldn’t satisfy you.”
An incredulous laugh burst from me. “Fuck. Are you serious? No way. You have no idea what’s going through my mind right now.” And she didn’t.
The dark, savage beast within me roared and gnashed its teeth at the powerful knowledge that I would forever be the only man she’d feel between her legs. She was mine and only mine.
At the surge of raw power in my soul, my cock gave a jump. It set off a chain reaction that neither of us were prepared for.
Her eyes popped open wide as her pouty lips parted in surprise. A soft moan whispered fro
m her. Her already tight-as-fuck pussy clenched around my cock, and I pushed in further. The feeling was utterly exquisite and better than any high I’d ever experienced.
In a strangled voice, I asked, “Are you okay?” I had no clue what I was supposed to say. Hell, I was lucky I got that out, because I could barely think straight with the way her sheath wrapped snugly around me.
“It still burns a little, but it’s eased up. I’m okay,” she whispered. With each word, she squeezed my dick, causing my eyes to roll in my goddamn head.
No one had ever felt that incredible. Needing more of that luxurious piece of heaven, I slid deeper until my pelvis rested against hers.
Where I’d usually be ready to fuck a woman fiercely and with uncompromising control, I found myself wanting to lose myself. I wanted to melt in her heat until it would be impossible to distinguish where we started and ended.
I was out of my element.
The things she was doing to my body and mind confused me and left me shaken. “Are you on the pill?” I really wanted to fuck my wife without a goddamn rubber on.
Worry knitting her brow, she shook her head. “Logan, I should have told you. I… I don’t know if I’ll be able to have children.” Tears welled in her eyes.
“Baby. Don’t cry. That’s the least of my worries. If that turns out to be the case, then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there and I’ll do anything in my power to give you what you want. I love you. You. Not what you can or can’t give me.” Thinking I should go easy on her, I again tried to withdraw. It wouldn’t be fair to her if I unleashed on her virginal body. I needed to get control of my emotions.
“Don’t.” The whispered plea was like a siren song. Then she slayed me.
She wrapped her lower legs around mine and held me in place. Her hips arched up, and I sank to the hilt.
Reason disintegrated. Rational thought disappeared. Pure, unadulterated need took over.
Being inside her was everything. Nothing mattered, nothing existed except the paradise I found inside her body. Each stroke was a single movement closer to nirvana.
There were no demons chasing me, no memories I had to outrun. Only perfection. Everything right in the world existed where we touched.
By the time I noticed she was wincing, I was emptying myself deep within her walls, wave after wave of ecstasy running down my spine and to my cock, which was balls deep in her. My hand was wrapped around her throat.
Horror slid through me.
“Fucking hell, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to do that.” Breathless, I dropped to my elbows and framed her face with my hands.
Her eyes welled with tears, and I realized how fucked-up I was.
I’d not been gentle, even after finding out this was her first time. My cock had been ruled by the depraved desire running rampant in my veins. Like everything else in my life, I’d gone too far. I always went too far.
“God, Stella. Talk to me. Please don’t hate me. Sometimes I lose control, but I never wanted to hurt you.” The possibility that I may have ruined the sweetness in her was a burning in my chest.
“Why did you do that?” The uncertainty that wavered in her scratchy voice knifed my heart. I’d done that to her.
Slipping out of her, I discarded the condom then pulled her to my chest, where she curled against me. Leaving the warmth and security of her body had me feeling cold and bereft, but I didn’t matter right then. “I got carried away. Lost in my head. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Chastising myself for being an idiot, I swore to myself I’d never be like that with her again. I’d figure out a way to be normal for her.
Her hands pressed to my chest as she tipped her head back to look at me.
“Logan… is that how you like… umm… sex… all the time?”
How did I answer that?
Yes? No? How was I supposed to explain to her that I’d never let anyone have control during sex? That I used women’s bodies and discarded them.
That wasn’t completely the truth. They were usually well satisfied prior to the actual act, but during? Yeah, during they didn’t get to be on top, they didn’t get any say—nothing. There was no emotion for me in sex, it was simply carnal gratification. Until her.
She mattered.
“I… uhh….” The breath I tried to inhale to fortify myself became caught in my throat and I struggled to speak. Clearing my throat, I closed my eyes. This was exactly why I’d tried so fucking hard to keep her as a friend. I wasn’t sure I was capable of being what she’d need, and my brand of fucked-up wasn’t pretty.
Except I’d gotten complacent.
Greedy.
Needy.
Addicted to her beautiful smile and the scent of her skin.
“Logan.” Even through her confusion and the fear I’d put in her eyes, she loved me. Her delicate hand cupped my cheek and that love bled through her touch.
“I’m broken. I’m not normal, and I don’t deserve you. You don’t really know me, and I feel like I’ve tricked you into loving me.” Guilt was a bitter pill to swallow. She deserved to know what she’d married, but I was terrified of losing the love that lit her eyes. I hated that I couldn’t be whole for her.
“Why would you say that? You’re no less of a person than I am. You didn’t trick me into anything. I do know you. Maybe we jumped into this, and maybe I don’t know every detail of your life, but I know who you are in here.” Her hand moved from my face to press over my heart. “This is where it counts. This is the man I fell in love with. The boy who covered for a girl when she messed up his coffee. Bad. The boy who tipped a struggling and poor girl with tips she didn’t deserve. The boy who went out of his way to make a girl laugh at one of the worst times in her life. The man who flew across the country to spend a single night with a friend. The man who again flew across the country to make sure that friend didn’t spend Christmas alone. The man who made a dream come true. That’s the man I love and that’s the man in here.” Her palm pushed harder on my chest.
“But—” I didn’t know what to say.
“But nothing. I’m not sure what’s going on in your head that makes you need sex like… that, but I’m here for you. I hope you’ll talk to me—open up to me. I’d do anything and be anything for you.” She bit her lip and a crease developed between her eyes. “I’m not sure I can be that for you, though.”
Wrapping her in my arms, I clutched her tight. “Baby, I don’t expect that of you. I don’t want to talk about my sex life before you, but I promise you everything I did was always consensual. Hell, if you wanted to end this now, I’d hate it and it would kill me, but I’d let you go. I love you so fucking much that I’d rather set you free than see you wither up and lose your light.”
“I don’t want to live without you in my life though. You’ve become as necessary to me as breathing. We’ll figure this out.”
Her whispered words brought tears to my eyes. Blinking them away, I kissed her head and held her. I didn’t trust myself to speak for the burning in my throat.
I was going to find a way to fix myself once and for all. I’d had so many attempts to get clean and I’d failed each one miserably. But I wanted to keep trying. For her, I needed to keep trying.
Maybe it was time to talk about what happened that summer.
The thought of it made my heart stutter and my skin go clammy. Nausea welled in my stomach, nearly choking me.
Goddammit, Lucas. You were supposed to be there for me forever. I needed you to keep me sane, and you left. One-sided conversations were the only ones I ever had with my brother anymore.
Except the truth of the matter was, I’d killed him. It was my fault he’d left Seattle and my fault he’d died that night.
How did I expect her to still love me after she found out all the sordid details of my life? Maybe if I could get my shit under control, she’d never have to know.
When her breathing became even and she relaxed in my arms, I allowed myself to drift off to sleep. With her in
my arms, my sleep was deep and my demons slumbered in the dark recesses of my mind.
“Wonderwall”—Oasis
Our time in Vegas went by so fast it was unreal. On top of the typical shows, we’d driven out to see the Hoover Dam, the Grand Canyon, and went to the wax museum. The best part of that was that they actually had wax statues of all the guys, and I posed for Logan to take a pic where I was wrapped around the “Logan” statue’s leg like he was dragging me around.
I’m easily amused. What can I say?
The morning after our wedding night we’d talked briefly about sex and his proclivities. Though he didn’t want to talk about why he liked things like that, he’d promised me he would work on being “better.” That in itself worried me, because why wouldn’t he talk about why he was that way?
Deciding we had time to work through those things, I shelved the discussion for another time. The problem was, all we’d done was a lot of heavy petting and oral sex.
I was getting frustrated that he wouldn’t have sex with me. It was obviously a struggle for him too. Something had to give.
“This has been an amazing few days. I can’t believe everything we’ve seen in such a short period of time. Logan, I cannot thank you enough for this. You have knocked my bucket list item out of the park. This was so much more than I thought I’d be able to do.” My words were rushed in my happiness.
With a sweet smile, he pulled me close and buried his nose behind my ear. “I’m so glad I could do this for you. Wherever you want to go, we’ll do it.”
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I gave him a squeeze. “Not only do I love you, but you are the sweetest guy in the world. When I made that list, I really figured it would simply be a pipe dream.”
“When did you make your list anyway?” He didn’t mean for it to be, but his question was a sobering one. It wasn’t something I talked about. I didn’t want people’s sympathy. As soon as they heard my truths, the way they looked at me changed, and I hated it.
No Treble Allowed: A Straight Wicked Novel Page 14
