No Treble Allowed: A Straight Wicked Novel

by Kristine Allen

  “Uh, we’d been walking the area? Watching the performers. We gambled a little. Not much. Stuff like that?” I wasn’t exactly sure what she was asking.

  “Oh, I bet that was fun.” She glanced back at her husband, who stood behind her with his hand resting on her shoulder. Though he was trying to be subtle, I saw him give her a small squeeze. “Did you guys get a chance to have any of those big drink cups? I remember those were so good.” She smiled again.

  “Ohhh, yeah we did. I remember thinking about how crazy it was that you could just walk around with alcohol there. We got the Binion boots.” At my innocent answer, her eyes closed tight and her nose wrinkled in dismay. It was time for me to be the confused one.

  “Did he do anything else?” This time Logan’s dad was the one who spoke.

  “Look, I’m not sure what you mean. It was Vegas. We did typical Vegas things—including getting married. Which, by the way, was not on my agenda.” I emphasized that it hadn’t been on my radar in any way. “Mr. and Mrs. MacKenzie, I assure you, I didn’t trick your son into marrying me, nor did I get him drunk and take advantage of him. If that’s what you’re worried about.”

  I was tired of the hemming and hawing, and I wanted to go find my husband. God, that sounded so freaking weird.

  “Please, call us Linda and Mac. And no, Stella, I’m sorry if that’s what you thought we were implying. It’s just that—” She didn’t get a chance to finish though, because a door slammed.

  Everyone remaining in the room looked at each other but stood frozen. I decided enough was enough and went in search of Logan. As soon as I stepped out of the room, I heard the low buzz of conversation start behind me.

  When I caught sight of Logan and Aiden in a heated discussion through one of the windows, I found my way out back to where they were. Addison stood off to the side with her face in her hands.

  The first thing I heard was Aiden’s raised voice. “Does she know she married a drunk, soul-sucking junkie?” The snide, hateful words rang out across the covered porch.

  “Aiden!” Levi’s shout startled me. I hadn’t known he’d followed me outside. Dominic was hot on his heels as he stepped closer to the two men.

  Reeling in the echo of the awful words I couldn’t believe, I was only able to stand there and watch the train wreck in front of me. Logan was lurching toward Aiden with an angry mask as Dominic held him back.

  “What?” Aiden stepped right up to Levi, bowing up to him and cocking his head. Levi was a few inches shorter than he was, but still a big guy. He didn’t back down one iota as Aiden spat more venomous words. “It’s the truth, Levi! He doesn’t give two shits about anyone but himself. No one’s feelings are more important than his next high and his fucked-up needs. Hell, the fucking band takes a back seat to his shit! And you defend him! Enable him! Don’t you feel the band imploding? It’s because of him!” His angry fist shot out and he pointed toward where Logan continued to give Dominic a run for his money as he struggled.

  “Logan?” The quaver in my voice preceded the tears that tumbled down my face.

  “Save Me”—Shinedown

  “Logan?” Devastation crumpled her face, her tone screaming doubt and confusion. My heart came apart at the seams as I feared the worst.

  That wasn’t how I wanted her to find out. Truthfully, I had fooled myself into thinking I could hide it from her until I got everything under control.

  “Stella, I—”

  “Save your lies and bullshit, Logan. You are the reason Straight Wicked is going to shit. You couldn’t keep your fucking drugged-up dick away from my sister even after I warned you how she felt about you. You fucking use everyone around you as easily as you use the drugs and alcohol you fill yourself with! You’re a piece of shit!” The venom Aiden spewed gutted me as I saw Stella’s head shake slowly. Holding her arms out in front of her in protective gesture, she backed toward the house.

  “Stella! Don’t! Please! I love you.” The fight left me as I saw the doubt taking over the happiness and love I always read in her beautiful blue eyes. She looked like I’d stabbed her in the heart. I was losing her before I’d ever really had her.

  Aiden gave a snort of disgust. “You’re a worthless excuse for a human.”

  Suddenly, Addison was screaming, “Stop! Stop it! Oh my God, Aiden… please. Don’t say those things. Please stop.” Sobbing, she stood with her arms wrapped around her torso. She was the last fucking person I’d expected to step in.

  “Why are you defending him? After everything? Come on, Addi.” Aiden suddenly looked defeated and worn out.

  “Because he didn’t know what he was doing! I knew he was high and drunk and I took advantage of that.” Shame shot through me at her announcement. Because I knew I’d made shitty choices when I was high but that was probably one of my worst.

  “What are you talking about? I know what he’s like!” Aiden shook his head in disgust.

  “Addi—” I started.

  “Shut up, Logan.” Dominic spoke in my ear. “For the love of God, please be quiet before you make things worse.”

  Addison looked at me with guilt written all over her face. “I’m so sorry. This has all been my fault. I didn’t mean to cause this rift between you two. I thought….” She trailed off.

  “You thought what, Addi?” Aiden was beginning to calm down but looked mentally exhausted.

  “I was drunk. I thought if I could get him to sleep with me he would realize how I felt and maybe he would give me a chance.” Aiden’s eyes closed and he hung his head. “Aiden, I’m so sorry. It was stupid. He—” Her tearful gaze found Stella where Levi had stopped her from running off, then me, before returning to her brother. “I’m sorry that I did what I did, and I swear I didn’t want things to go like this. He was too high to understand what was going on. I undressed him as he was trying to make it to the bed. The whole time he kept trying to tell me no, but I didn’t give him much of a chance. He didn’t know who the hell I was.”

  The boulder of my truths was crushing me. Because my dirty secret was laid out at Stella’s feet, and I didn’t know how much of my shit she was going to be able to handle.

  Aiden turned to me with resignation heavy on his face. “This really doesn’t change anything for me. I don’t even have words.” He swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry, but I stand by what I said—you need help, man. You can’t keep doing this shit to yourself and to us.” Beaten, he took Addison by the arm and entered the house with leaden feet.

  We heard Aiden’s truck start and then the sound diminished as he drove away. The door opened, and my parents stepped out, looking haggard and worried.

  Dominic had loosened his hold on me, and I stepped toward Stella. “Baby.”

  She looked like she was in shock. Tears trailed down her face as she shook. My brother had his arm around her, probably partly in support, but also to keep her from bolting.

  He did that for me.

  “Can we talk? Will you give me time to explain? Before you make your decision. Then, like I said before, if you want to leave, I won’t stop you.” There were no words to fix this, but I needed to try.

  Levi spoke to her, but I couldn’t hear what he said. Eyes identical to our brother’s and so full of pain and disappointment looked to me as he let her go. “I’ll be inside. Okay?”

  Stella nodded without looking at him. Her eyes were trained on the ground at her feet.

  Once we were alone, I stepped cautiously to her like I would an injured wild animal. With each step, I was afraid she’d run.

  As I closed in on her, she raised watery eyes to me, lip quivering. “Is it true?” Her voice was scratchy and hoarse.

  Not sure which part she was referring to, I decided to address both elephants. “The shit with Addison happened before we met again. The night before. That’s why I was in the coffee shop that morning. I’d needed to get away because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing when I woke up. I was sick with shame and guilt thinking that I… fuck. I can’t bel
ieve I let that happen.” Scrubbing my hands over my face in frustration, I exhaled sharply.

  “I’ll go to rehab tomorrow. I swear. Or whenever you want me to go. I’ve cut back.” I gave a snort of self-disgust. “I know that sounds clichéd and like the exact thing a junkie would say. But I mean it. I planned to do it anyway. For you.”

  “Logan, you can’t do it for me. You have to do it for yourself.” The sorrow I saw on her face made my chest cave and my stomach cramp.

  “Stella. Please give me a chance. Don’t throw us away. I love you. More than life itself.” She was slipping through my fingers, and I didn’t know what to do to hold on to her.

  “I’m going back to Boston.” Her words were razors to my insides.

  “No. Stella.” I gasped in physical distress.

  “Hear me out.” She placed a shaking hand to my chest over my dead heart. “I’m going to go back while you’re in rehab. Once you’re done, we’ll see how you are. Where you are. I’ll be there for you, but you have to be there for you too. Do you understand?”

  My world crumbled. I was dying inside.

  I didn’t believe she would be coming back, but I’d promised not to hold her if she wanted to go. As tears burned in my throat, I nodded and shoved my hands deep in my pockets.

  If I didn’t, I was afraid I’d grab her and refuse to ever let her go. My head was pounding and my lungs were collapsing. Tremors shook me and I fought the scream that wanted to escape as she kissed my cheek.

  “I love you, Logan. I always will. No matter what happens.”

  Her hand left my skin, and the loss of her touch left me cold and shaking. When she silently turned her back and went into the house, I wheezed as I tried to get my suffocating lungs to fill with oxygen.

  I could hear the front door close from where I stood immobile and breaking. When I heard another vehicle start and leave, I stumbled back to the lawn, where I fell on my ass.

  I’d lost her. I’d known I would eventually, but thought I’d have her longer than the five days we had in Vegas.

  Reaching into my pocket for the only thing I knew would take away the pain, I pulled out the white pills, chewed them, and swallowed them before anyone could come out. They tasted like shit, but from experience I knew they would kick in faster that way.

  Then I dropped to my back and stared at the dark clouds that slowly moved across the gray sky.

  When the first raindrops hit my face, they mingled with the tears that leaked down my temples into my hair and ears. In that moment, I wished I’d had more pills on me, because I would’ve taken every single fucking one of them.

  It wouldn’t have been the first time I’d tried to end my miserable existence. Except since she’d lit up my life, I’d found new reason to live. New reason to fix myself.

  She’d been my friend and she’d loved me and that had been all I’d craved. Until it all fell apart.

  The only thing that made me feel whole in years had walked out the fucking door.

  The floating, fuzzy feeling was taking over as Levi knelt by my side. “Goddammit, Logan,” he whispered as he looked in my eyes.

  “I’m such a fuckup. Aiden was right.” My words slurred, and Levi’s image wavered, blurred, and then solidified again.

  “Logan. Look at me. How much did you take?” Vaguely, the fear in his eyes registered. Except the ability to care was already numb.

  “Not enough. Not nearly enough.”

  The next day, I once again entered rehab.

  It was the worst thirty days of my fucking life.

  The day I walked out of the secluded facility, I never wanted to step foot in there again. I’d also never been so terrified in my life.

  I was clean. That meant no crutches. No backup. No numbness to take away the pain.

  I hadn’t talked to Stella the entire time I was there. Instead, I wrote her a letter every day. I was too afraid of what I might hear in her voice if I called.

  She didn’t write me back, but I’d asked her not to. The last thing I needed was to either have her tell me that she was done or to receive empty platitudes.

  Tracey and my parents picked me up. Our manager, Kyle, was supposed to be there, but he’d had a family emergency and couldn’t make it. Personally, I wouldn’t have cared if they’d sent a driver pick me up.

  While I was going through all my shit that I’d had secured while I was there, I pulled out my phone and turned it on. Amazingly, it still had a little battery life on it.

  “Are you going to call her?” My mom was the first to bring her up. No one had said much of anything since I’d signed out and climbed in the vehicle. Each time I’d gone to rehab, I was sure they were all thinking it was a waste of time because I’d soon relapse.

  What no one seemed to understand was that it wasn’t that I wanted to relapse. I didn’t walk out with an immediate desire to go get drunk or high.

  “Yeah. Just not yet.” I was nervous as hell to talk to her.

  I could tell my mom wanted to say something, but my dad gave her a look and she turned away to look out the window. We rode in silence for several miles.

  “The guys are looking forward to having you back.” Tracey spoke in what seemed like a falsely peppy tone.

  “Hmm. Maybe.” It was my turn to stare sightlessly out the window, focusing on nothing but the blur of the scenery as we rolled along.

  “They do. The guy they’ve been using is okay, but he doesn’t know the songs like you do. It’s been a struggle.” She tried to convince me that it was truth, but I still had my doubts.

  “Son, I’m proud of you for taking this step.” My dad was great, but I heard the unspoken words in his announcement. He was hoping this time was the magic rehab trip. Our eyes met in the rearview mirror before he returned them to the road.

  So was I, though, so I guess I couldn’t fault him.

  We’d decided I’d take the week off after my discharge and stay with my parents. It was actually recommended by my therapist. Controlled environment, support system and all that shit. Then I would fly out to meet up with the guys when they were in Illinois.

  Glancing down at my phone in indecision, I debated whether to send Stella a text. My fingers itched to pull up her number. Instead, I opened one of the pictures I had of her.

  Her beauty took my breath away. Without a speck of makeup, cheeks rosy from the cold, and her blonde curls blowing in the winter wind under her beanie, she was everything. Brilliant blue eyes shone with laughter, and her white teeth held her bottom lip captive.

  I’d taken it over Christmas when we were walking in the Common. That trip would always be one of my best memories. It was when I realized she was so much more than a friend.

  It was when I’d gone back in the store and bought her engagement ring. Because I knew then that I didn’t want to live a single day without her.

  Me: I’m out. I’m in the car with Mom, Dad and Tracey though. Can I call you when we stop?

  Me: I love you so fucking much.

  When I hit the Send button after each message, my heart raced. The cravings whispered at me in my anxiety, but I ignored them and instead scrolled through every pic I had of her. November, December, February in Vegas. I must’ve taken a million pictures of her. I couldn’t help it. I’d wanted to remember every moment with her.

  Heart heavy as the minutes ticked by and she didn’t answer, I prayed they wouldn’t be the last pictures I took of her.

  I knew my parents would be upset with me for doing what I did without saying anything, but I needed to see her.

  Before my phone could die, I went on the airline app and booked a flight to see her tomorrow. I didn’t even look at the price because I didn’t give a fuck. I needed to see her, and I needed to see if we still had a shot.

  As the miles passed by and my phone battery continued to run down with all the times I checked my messages, I began to feel sick. I made every excuse I could think of as to why she might not be answering.

  I’d returned my
attention to the shit going past out the window as the murmur of my parents and Tracey talking became white noise. Then I saw the screen light up.

  Right before my phone died.

  “Shit!” Everyone stopped talking, and all eyes were on me.

  “Everything okay?” My dad was the first to pipe in.

  “Do one of you have a charger?” Desperate, I dug through my small bag of shit to see if I had one that I hadn’t noticed.

  “I think I do.” Mom started rummaging around in her ginormous purse as my heart tried to beat out of my chest.

  Finally, she triumphantly produced the hot pink cord from the bottom of her portable abyss. “Got it! Here you go.” She reached over the seat with it.

  Grabbing it from her, I fumbled with the USB outlet to get it plugged in properly, dropping it twice. Once I’d successfully shoved the end in, I plugged my phone in. Then it took for-fucking-ever for my phone to reboot.

  “Come on, come on, come on,” I chanted.

  After what seemed an eternity, my screen was alive. I had a new text message.

  Stella: I’m sorry! I was in the shower! I love you too and YES! CALL ME!!!!

  I couldn’t help the smile that took over my face. Nor could I help the bottom dropping out of my stomach in anticipation. The excitement in her message did a lot to minimize my fears.

  Me: As soon as we get to my parents’ I’ll call

  Stella: Oh my God I’ve missed you so much. How r you feeling?

  Me: Well that’s kind of a loaded question. I feel great but awful at the same time. It’s weird. And I can’t wait to talk to you. I’ve missed your voice.

  Stella: I’ve missed everything about u

  “Is that Stella?” My mom had been worried about what would happen between us after she left and went back to Boston. I know they also worried that I refused to discuss her with them when they came to visit. But that’s why I didn’t want to talk about her. If during those thirty days she’d decided she couldn’t deal with my shit, I didn’t want to talk about it with them.

  Yeah, I knew that was internalizing and not facing my fears and problems, but at the time I seriously felt I needed to deal with one thing at a time. It was all I could do.