by Xan West
* * *
Nora: Ok. This is good to know. Thank you, Ernest. I have a clearer picture, I think. So when you say you have a crush, then…does that mean you’re romantically attracted to me?
* * *
Ernest: Yes, that’s what I mean.
* * *
Nora: *slow smile*
That made his insides go all gooey. He really liked it when something he said made her smile.
Nora: That’s what I mean, too.
* * *
Ernest: Oh. Ok. Um. That’s good. I mean, I’m glad. I mean, whoa.
* * *
Nora: *chuckles*
* * *
Ernest: You get me so flustered, Nora.
* * *
Nora: I really am enjoying that, Ernest. I like you flustered.
* * *
Ernest: You do?
* * *
Nora: Oh yes. I will admit, it brings out my dominance. Is that alright with you?
* * *
Ernest: Wow. Yes please. That was the other thing I was going to say. That for me, attraction has a bunch of parts.
* * *
Nora: Romantic, and sexual, and aesthetic, and sensual…
* * *
Ernest: Ah, you know about this already. So. Um. For me, I get attracted in a D/s way, and in a service way, and in a rope way, and in a pain play way. Those are my main kinks. And they’re separate from those other kinds of attraction you said.
* * *
Nora: Ok. I guess I just assumed they were separate for a lot of people, Ernest.
* * *
Ernest: Oh.
* * *
Nora: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to imply that what you are saying isn’t important.
* * *
Ernest: No, its fine. I guess I just want to be really clear and not assume we are on the same page.
* * *
Nora: That’s good. Being clear is good. So far, it sounds like you are attracted to me romantically, and in a D/s way. Any other ways?
* * *
Ernest: Um. Yeah. In a service way. And in a rope way.
* * *
Nora: I was really hoping you might be. I would really like to tie you up, Ernest, and see how you react. I keep thinking about it since you talked about it in the cupcake shop.
Oh, wow. His hands were fluttering.
* * *
Ernest: I’d like that, a lot.
* * *
Nora: Okay, good. Any other kinds of attraction you want to mention?
* * *
Ernest: Um. Well. Aesthetic attraction, yes. Sensual is kind of complicated for me, so I’m not sure. I have liked hugging you, though. A lot.
* * *
Nora: I thought you did. I’m glad. I like hugging you, too.
* * *
Nora: *tilts head*
* * *
Nora: Are you touch averse, Ernest?
She knew what that was. Wow.
* * *
Ernest: Um. Somewhat, some of the time. Sometimes I like certain kinds of touch, a lot. From specific people. That takes a while to sort out, for me.
* * *
Nora: Okay. I’d like to know more about that. Maybe that’s something for email.
* * *
Ernest: Yeah, that would be good. So, in terms of attraction, I did want to be clear that I’m not sexually attracted to you.
* * *
Nora: Okay, that’s completely fine. Thanks so much for telling me that.
* * *
Ernest: That’s new for me. I haven’t been romantically attracted to someone and not sexually attracted before. It means I am going to need to feel stuff out.
* * *
Nora: Sounds like we both are in new territory.
* * *
Ernest: I guess that’s true, yes. I…new things are hard for me. I mean, I know they are difficult for a lot of people, but…they are really hard for me. It’s an autistic thing. I’ll probably be uncertain and awkward and struggle to find words for stuff.
* * *
Nora: *nods*
* * *
Ernest: That…um. I just wanted to say that those things don’t mean something’s wrong or that I’m not attracted to you, or that I don’t want to date you or play or whatever we decide to do. Um. Assuming we decide to do anything, that is.
* * *
Nora: Thank you for that, Ernest. It helps that you told me that. It sounds like we both are new to this in some ways. Vulnerable, together. That’s kind of nice, I think. We can support each other.
* * *
Nora: *rueful smile* I am rather new to this having a crush on my metamour thing. To even having a metamour relationship. I’m bound to be uncertain myself.
* * *
Nora: After all, I’m a rather old dog, learning new tricks feels pretty awkward at this point.
* * *
Ernest: I think learning new tricks is hard at any age, especially when it comes to relationships.
* * *
Nora: It’s different though, learning them in my late forties. You’ll see when you get here, mister.
* * *
Ernest: Hey! I’m only ten years younger than you.
* * *
Nora: *grins* You think a decade is nothing, do you? I came out in the 80s during the sex wars. Trust me, you’re glad you missed that.
* * *
Ernest: Ok, you got me. But I want to hear stories. Not today, but sometime?
* * *
Nora: Stories about the sex wars…ok, but they aren’t fun stories, most of them.
* * *
Ernest: I just…want to know what it was like for you, coming out then. Stories don’t need to be fun. It’s not…I’m not looking to be entertained. I want to know you, and this is part of your history.
* * *
Nora: Alright.
* * *
Ernest: Thanks. You decide when. I don’t want to be pushy.
* * *
Nora: *smiles* Ernest, you are the exact opposite of pushy. Do you ever say what you want first, instead of following other people’s lead?
* * *
Ernest: Um. Not usually, unless I plan ahead? It takes me a while to work things out and come up with language and stuff. In most social situations, especially in person, there just isn’t time for that, on the spot. And really, most people, especially allistic people, aren’t interested in making room for that. But I don’t follow along all the time. I am able to say no to things.
* * *
Nora: That’s good to hear. I don’t think you have ever said no to me.
* * *
Ernest: Sure I have, just not in those words. Remember when you wanted to go out for sushi? I suggested something else.
* * *
Nora: Ernest, that’s not saying no.
* * *
Ernest: Well, if you had pushed it, I would’ve said no. I can’t eat sushi. It was…politely steering plans away from something I didn’t want. Which is mostly how I say no. Most of the time I don’t need to say a hard no.
* * *
Nora: But you can say a hard no when needed? Like, say, you would safeword in a scene if you needed to?
* * *
Ernest: Oh yes. That’s important, and part of my responsibility. I would, and I have.
* * *
Nora: Responsibility. I like that. That’s a good way to put it.
* * *
Ernest: You need to be able to trust me, just like I need to be able to trust you. Trusting I will safeword is an important part of that.
* * *
Nora: Yes, it is. *slow smile* Yes it most definitely is. And you said that you sometimes plan ahead so you can tell people what you want?
* * *
Ernest: Yes. When it’s important, and especially about relationships, I plan, so I can have the words. It’s an autistic thing. Figuring out what I want is easier when there is no pressure and I’m alone, or have a friend who asks qu
estions that helps me figure it out. Making the words is easier if I plan ahead. Gideon and I do most of our kink negotiations over email, where there is no immediate word making pressure. But for an in person conversation, or even one like this where we’re chatting, I need to prepare.
* * *
Nora: *smile* I am getting the feeling you prepared for this conversation, Ernest.
* * *
Ernest: You’d be right about that. I took notes and everything.
* * *
Nora: Does that mean that you’re going to tell me something you want, then?
* * *
Ernest: Um. Yes, actually.
* * *
Nora: *listening*
* * *
Ernest: Well. Um. I was thinking…
* * *
Ernest: Would you maybe want to make our plans for today into a date?
* * *
Ernest: I mean, movies are one of my favorite kinds of date, and we were going to watch a movie, so I thought…
* * *
Ernest: If it’s too fast, I understand.
* * *
Nora: *slow smile* That sounds lovely, Ernest. What sort of date did you have in mind?
* * *
Ernest: Well. Um. I wasn’t thinking about kink. I was more thinking I might want to hold hands during the movie. And maybe kiss you at some point.
* * *
Nora: I think you’re right about kink; I’m not up for that without a lot more negotiation, which we can do over email. But I’d be interested in doing kink in the future.
* * *
Ernest: Oh yes, me too. Definitely.
* * *
Nora: For today, the kind of romantic date you describe would be really good.
* * *
Ernest: *grins* Yes, romantic was what I wanted.
* * *
Nora: Alright, then. I will see you at 3.
When Ernest got up from his desk, he couldn’t help but start singing, as he twirled around the room. About halfway through the song, Judith joined in. She loved twirling, and of course she knew all the words, it was one of her favorite showtunes.
“So I take it things went well with Nora? You only sing ‘All I Need Is the Girl’ when you’re happy, Ernest.”
“Well, yeah, it’s such a happy song, one of the only happy ones in that rather depressing show.”
“You just leave Sondheim alone, whatever did he do to you?”
“Nothing, he just…he doesn’t write joy, does he?”
“Well, not most of the time. There is ‘Giants in the Sky,’ though.”
Which she launched into, of course. So he joined her. It might not be a good twirling song, but it did have that heart-bursty joyousness in it. Their musical needed a song like this in the second act. What was it about it, was it the strings or the pacing or maybe the repetition that made it feel heart-bursty? He needed to listen to it again, and try to narrow it down. He made a quick note for himself on a post it & put it on the screen so he wouldn’t forget.
“So, Nora?” Judith asked. And then he remembered. And grinned.
“She has a crush on me, too! And we have a romantic date, for this afternoon! And we’re gonna play, after we negotiate, sometime! Not today!”
Judith smiled. “I’m glad, Ernest. Really glad for you. So, I think I’m going to take myself on a jaunt, leave the apartment to you two.”
Ernest beamed at her. “Thanks. If you need to come home, feel free, okay?”
“Of course.”
“Can you help me pick out what to wear before you go?”
“Definitely.”
Once they picked out the outfit, Ernest texted Daddy and told him he was about to have a date with Nora. Daddy texted back right away, saying he was glad Nora had talked to him, and to enjoy himself. Then Ernest busied himself clearing surfaces in the living room, and putting out snacks.
Sunday April 24, 2011
Nora arrived wearing this deep purple dress and tights that looked like the night sky. She was so pretty it stole his breath. Her hair was especially frizzy today from the rain, and he wanted nothing more than to wrap his hands into it and kiss her. It filled him up, this yearning, and he knew he must be blushing, as he just stood there staring at her mouth. She chuckled and said his name, and he blinked, trying to clear his head. She opened her arms to him, and he went into them, letting her draw him close, his face in the crook of her bare neck, buried in the splendor of her hair, her thick strong arms gripping him, almost holding him up as he wanted to just melt.
“I take it you’re glad to see me,” she murmured into his ear. He nodded.
She gave him a tight squeeze, and then pulled away to move down the hall to the living room. Ernest let himself float behind her, realizing that it was so much more comfortable to know what was going on, why he felt this way. Regardless of how the date went, he knew how he felt, that they’d talked about it and made plans, and that made it all easier. Nora took off her shoes, set her cane against the wall, and leaned back against the arm of the couch, putting her feet up and gesturing for him to sit near her. So he did. She looked more in charge now, more certain, again. Not as big as before, but there was a little more bigness. It was lovely to see.
“I made brisket,” he said, “But I was hoping we might watch the movie before we ate. Unless you’re hungry now?”
“I’m okay, and I see there are things to nosh on if I need them, so that works for me,”
“Something to drink?”
“I could use a seltzer.”
When he brought it, Nora was facing forward on the couch, and had dragged an ottoman over to put her feet up. He took a slow breath, and said, “Before we start the movie, would it be alright if I kissed you?”
He got the most radiant smile from her that he’d ever seen. “Yes Ernest. I’d like that. How about you sit right here.” She put her feet on the floor, and patted the ottoman. He sat, and she reached out to cup his face, wrapping his curls in her other hand. She pulled him close, and he kept his hands at his sides. Nora smiled, and said, “It’s okay to touch my hair, Ernest. I have the feeling you want to.”
Oh. He closed his eyes, and threaded his fingers into her glorious hair. It was so much, to be touching her this way, to have her hands in his hair. So, so much. He was trembling, and their mouths were so close, but not quite touching yet, it was wondrous and full of anticipation, and he held on as long as he could, before closing the distance. Oh, it was electric, her hair in his hands, her mouth open and drawing him in, her curves pressed against him—it was even more than he had imagined, so much more that it stole his breath, and he pulled away gasping, shaking, overwhelmed. He moved to sit next to her on the couch, trying to catch his breath, before whispering, “Thank you.”
“You alright there, Ernest?”
“I, um. I got a bit overwhelmed. See, my hand is tremoring. It was intense. Beautiful.”
“Yes, yes indeed it was. Now let’s watch the movie, hmm? And if you want to hold my hand, it will be right here. It’s okay if you don’t, though. There’s no rush, Ernest. We can go at our own pace here.”
“Nora?”
“Yes, Ernest?”
“I really really like you.”
“I know. You told me. I really really like you.”
“Okay good.” And he started the movie.
It was a lot, just sitting next to her, as they watched The Maltese Falcon, feeling her arm brush against his when she reached for the almonds. His tremor was at full force, and he couldn’t quite get his heart rate to slow down. He was glad he’d seen the movie a bunch of times, because he’d missed the beginning. He couldn’t really focus, just kept thinking I’m on a date with Nora over and over. He was the one who’d asked, who’d said kissing and holding hands, but he couldn’t hold her hand right now! He could barely sit next to her without levitating in the air.
