She waved him off. “I’m positive. I’ve got this.” Pausing briefly, she asked, “What about you? Did your parents have certain life skills they felt they had to share with you before you left home?”
Bailey made sure she wasn’t looking at him when she asked. Instead she was mixing the batter that she would pour over the chicken mixture to make the topping for the pot pie. After a long moment of total silence, she turned and found Gavin on his feet.
“I think I’m going to grab a shower while that cooks,” he said, heading toward the bathroom.
And that’s when she decided enough was enough. It was one thing to say he didn’t want to talk about something, it was another for him to completely ignore her query.
“Hey!” she called out with annoyance, and when Gavin turned to face her, she took a couple of steps toward him. “We’re in the middle of a conversation and you’re just going to walk away? What gives?”
Raking a hand through his hair in frustration, he let out a long breath and paced back and forth a few times. “Look, I get what you’re trying to do here and...you have to understand, Bailey, it’s not my thing, okay?”
Her eyes went wide. “Not your thing? What exactly? Conversation?” she asked sarcastically, frustrated in her own right at having to practically pull teeth to get him to talk to her.
“You like talking—a lot, apparently—and I don’t!” he snapped. “On top of that, I’m not big on talking about my personal life. It’s not a crime, you know. Not everyone enjoys that sort of thing!”
“I get that, Gavin, I really do, but you don’t have to just walk away while I’m talking to you, dammit!”
He was furious. She could see that, but she wasn’t about to back down—even if it meant sleeping on the couch and spending the rest of the night in silence.
“I’m not asking for all your family secrets, for crying out loud! All I was looking for was a little conversation—a little insight into your life!”
“You want to know about my life?” he asked loudly, and before Bailey could respond, he was speaking again. “I was raised by my mother—my father left when I was three and we haven’t seen him since. We were always poor, always struggling, and spent several years being homeless!”
Gasping, Bailey tried to reach out and touch him—something to sort of ground him or at least calm him down, but he was on the move and pacing again.
“I was six the first time it happened. We weren’t in the shelter for long—less than a month—but it stayed with me. We lost everything. If I couldn’t fit it into a suitcase, then it was lost to me forever,” he went on, each word full of so much anger that Bailey wished she could take it all back and change the subject.
“Gavin...”
“My mother found steady work and we had a social worker who helped us find an apartment. That lasted until I was ten. There were layoffs and my mother was one of the first to be let go. She was depressed and devastated and within six months, we were homeless again. And this time it was worse. I was older and I understood the stigma of being the poor kid.” He paused. “I had a dog. He was a stray but I took care of him and I loved him so damn much, but when we lost the apartment and had to leave, we couldn’t take him with us.”
Tears stung her eyes and she instantly looked over at Cooper.
“The next time we got back on our feet, she tried to make it up to me by getting me a puppy. A beagle who I named Buster.” He let out a mirthless laugh. “I had him for two whole years before things fell apart for a third time. We had to give Buster away and were back in the shelter and by then I was done. Just done.” He stopped and gave her a hard glare. “In my entire life, we never really celebrated Christmas—there was never any extra money. Occasionally we had a small tree as decoration but that was it. And in all our struggles, all the time that we needed help, no one stepped up—not our friends, or relatives, or our neighbors. You stand here and talk about your perfect life with your loving family and spending time and opening your home to people on Christmas, well that never happened for me!”
“Gavin,” she began again, her voice trembling. “I’m so sorry. I wish...I don’t know what to say!”
“There’s nothing you can say! Don’t you get it? You look at me and see some sort of horrible person because I don’t do the things you do or celebrate the way you think to celebrate! But let me tell you, this is the only way I know! I live like this because I know that at any given time it can be taken away! It’s better not to get attached to things or people because it doesn’t last! Nothing does!”
“That’s not true!” she argued.
He stepped in closer, almost menacingly. “Yes, it is,” he stated firmly. “No one really wants to get involved and no one wants to have to deal with things that might make them uncomfortable and you’re no different!”
That statement shocked her. “Me? What are you even talking about?”
“You never bothered to ask if there was a reason why I didn’t want to decorate for the holidays. You just passed judgement and made snarky comments and then went and just disregarded my feelings! Maybe if you had come to me and...”
“Oh, no!” Bailey quickly interrupted, refusing to play the villain here. “There was no coming to you and talking because you never wanted to talk! Any attempts at conversation with you were normally cut short or you were just flat-out rude!”
Gavin’s mouth moved but no words came out.
“Look, I am so sorry for all you went through—I really am. I hate thinking of anyone suffering like that. But you have so much right now! You’ve made a success of your life! You’re this incredibly gifted veterinarian, you own this practice, and...and...” she let out a small growl of frustration. “I don’t get why you’re not embracing the way you turned your life around! Why are you still so angry when you’ve overcome so much?”
“Because it never goes away, Bailey!” he shouted. “The fear, the insecurity? It’s always there! Right now, the clinic is doing great, but that could change in a heartbeat! You’ve said it yourself, the people of this town don’t particularly like me...”
“I never said that,” she countered. “Not exactly...”
“Who's to say they won’t go somewhere else, huh? I’m not the only veterinarian around. Anything can happen—something could happen to the clinic in a storm, there could be a fire, you never know! So why bother getting attached when I might have to pick up and leave?”
And in that moment her heart broke for him. She went to reach for him, but Gavin took a step back, his hand held up in surrender.
“Even you were willing to simply walk away from your job—from me—because I don’t do things the way you like, so save your arguments and the reasons you think I’m wrong.”
“Gavin, you’re not being fair! I didn’t know! I had no idea why...”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, his voice calmer than it was a minute ago and almost bleak. The look he gave her was so sad, so tormented. “It would have been better if you had left. That’s what I’m used to. It’s the way it always is.”
And without another word, he turned and walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Closing the door on them.
Chapter Ten
DINNER WAS QUIET.
After dinner was worse.
Gavin took the dogs out and spent time examining the puppies while Bailey busied herself on her phone texting. It was painfully quiet and as much as Gavin wanted to regret it, he couldn’t. Bailey wanted to talk about his life, he talked. It’s not his fault that his life was a disappointment and that he didn’t measure up to what she wanted.
Although...she never really said that, it was just what he needed to believe. In time, she would have found a way to end things because he didn’t fit into her precious charmed life. A life with the perfect parents and the great siblings and always surrounded by people who loved and cared for you. Pfft...good for her. He wouldn’t wish his hellish life on anyone.
He was sitting
on the floor putting the last of the puppies back down by Lola when he glanced over his shoulder to where Bailey was sitting on the sofa. Somehow she had managed to find an extra blanket and pillow and it looked like she was ready to set up camp on the couch tonight.
Not gonna happen.
If anything, he’d take the couch. He was a bastard, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have manners. She was still a guest in his house and she would sleep in the bed tonight whether she wanted to or not while he took the sofa.
He could stand the silence.
He could stand sleeping alone.
No sooner had that thought gone through his mind when Gavin realized he was a liar. The silence was killing him. He’d deal with not sleeping with Bailey again—he didn’t like it, but he would deal with it. But he did hate how they were reduced to being two strangers again.
No, not strangers, enemies.
Without a word, he rose to his feet, walked over to the couch and sat down beside her.
“I volunteer at the homeless shelter once a week and take care of any animals that people bring in,” he said quietly, staring at his hands that were clasped in front of him. Even without looking, Gavin knew Bailey was looking at him, so he went on. “It’s something I’ve done ever since I graduated and had my license. I’ve lived in several cities in the upstate New York area and every time I settled someplace, the first thing I did was find the local homeless shelters and volunteered.”
Beside him, Bailey shifted until she was facing him. He glanced at her but didn’t move.
With a slight shrug, he continued. “When I found out about Silver Bell Falls and the clinic being available, I wasn’t sure if I could come here. I always research the area before I move and even if the name of the town didn’t give it away, it didn’t take much research to figure out that this place was all about Christmas.” Another shrug. “But the opportunity to own my own clinic was more important to me than a once-a-year reminder of some of the bad times in my life.”
“Where’s your mom now?” Bailey asked quietly.
“She lives in Florida now. She lives in one of those fifty-five and over communities and is a home health aide. It was the best thing for her. She’s had steady employment for about ten years now and she’s made a lot of friends.” He paused. “We don’t talk very often.”
“How come?”
Gavin still couldn’t bring himself to look at her. “I’m still angry with her,” he admitted and knew it didn’t make him sound good. “Our lives were a mess for so long and it seemed once I was out and on my own, she finally got herself together. I resent that. I put myself through college and have a mountain of student loans to prove it.” Now his tone was harsh and even if his words didn’t convey his resentment, his tone certainly did.
“I went to visit her once—after I graduated college. She didn’t come for the ceremony and it bothered me. I had no one there for me—no one to congratulate me or wish me luck.” He paused again. “Anyway, I went to see her and she was living in this nice little bungalow and was working most of the time I was there and it just...I don’t know...it seemed like she didn’t want me there much either. I realized then that she didn’t want a relationship with me just as much as I didn’t want one with her.”
“Gavin,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “I can’t imagine she would feel that way.”
This time he did look at her. Glared at her hard. She had no idea what she was talking about and he was sure someone in her position could never understand. Not every family was loving. Not every parent wanted their child.
But he wasn’t going to go there with her.
What would be the point?
Letting out a long breath, Gavin did his best to relax. “This is who I am, Bailey, and this is what my life is. I’ve accepted it.”
“It doesn’t have to be like this,” she said, taking one of his hands in hers. “Your mother changed her life around, so can you.”
Wrong. Thing. To. Say.
Pulling his hand from hers, he stood up and walked toward the kitchen. Part of him knew she had a point. If he really wanted to, Gavin knew he could try to change.
But he knew better.
Knew himself better.
He was who he was, and he was comfortable with the way things were. There were no surprises. No disappointments.
Glancing over at Bailey once again, he knew that wasn’t completely true. She was a surprise and now...now there was going to be disappointment.
Walking over to the refrigerator, he pulled out a bottle of water for himself before turning back to her. “I’m not looking to change, Bailey. I’m okay with who I am and the life that I have. I’m not looking for anything more.”
Or anyone...
Though he didn’t say the words, they were there and they both knew it. The look on her face said it all.
But he didn’t let it affect him. Making his expression completely neutral, he said, “You take the bed tonight. I’ll take the couch.”
THE SNOW PLOWS WERE out clearing the roads early Sunday morning and as much as Bailey would like to say the sound of them woke her up, it would be a lie. She barely slept. How could she? After Gavin’s declaration that he wasn’t looking to change, then hammering the point home by sleeping on the couch, it had been all she could do not to pick up and opt for walking home in the snow!
Sitting up in the bed, she saw that Gavin was already up. The blankets were folded up at one end of the couch and Cooper and Lola were nowhere in sight. Clearly he had taken them outside and didn’t need her help. With nothing else to do, she got up and went to the bathroom to get dressed. If the plows were already going through town, there was a good chance that she’d be able to get home.
If she could get out of the parking lot first.
“Damn. Why didn’t I think of that sooner?” she murmured, wondering how she could possibly shovel her car out.
When she stepped out of the bathroom, Cooper and Lola bolted up the stairs but Gavin wasn’t with them. As she glanced down the stairs, she didn’t see him either. Unsure of what to make of that, she focused on getting the dogs dried off and fed. Then she checked on the puppies and realized Gavin still hadn’t come back.
“Seriously?” she muttered with frustration. Now he was going to avoid her? How mature was that?
With a string of curses flying out of her mouth, Bailey went and made up the bed and put the spare blankets and pillow back in the linen closet. When that was done, she walked around and generally straightened up and made sure there was no trace of her ever having been there. Going over to the dogs, she loved on all of them for a bit before grabbing her things and heading down to the clinic. If she was going to shovel her way out of the parking lot, she’d better get started now.
Only...she didn’t have to.
When she arrived downstairs and looked out at the parking lot, she saw that not only was the lot cleared, but her car was cleared off as well.
“No need to hit me over the head, Gavin. I can take a hint.” And even though she was talking to herself, her heart ached. For a few precious hours, she really believed that there was something special happening—that she and Gavin had a connection like she’d never felt with another man.
She’d never felt more wrong in her entire life.
And it sucked.
Walking around the clinic, she collected her things like she had started to do on Friday—there were framed pictures she’d kept on her desk, some random snacks and personal items she always had in one of the drawers, and then walked into the back room to grab her extra sweater and sneakers from the small locker she had back there. Once everything was stuffed into her oversized purse, she placed her key on the reception desk and went to walk out the clinic door.
Where she collided with Gavin.
“Oh!” she gasped, clutching her bag a little tighter. Her heart was beating like mad and her throat went dry at the sight of him. She hated that it was ending like this, that this truly was like a stole
n weekend—an escape from their everyday reality—and that it was all they were ever going to have. Maybe it was a good thing that she quit. There was no way she could come back to work tomorrow or any other day and not remember how for a short time, she thought she had fallen in love.
And that sucked even more.
It was amazing how much Bailey wanted that—wanted to be in love with Gavin and have him love her in return. She wanted to be wrong about the way she always thought about him and to tell the people of Silver Bell Falls how they were wrong about him as well.
But she couldn’t.
His refusal to even try to meet her in the middle said it all and that was something she didn’t think she could overlook or forgive.
They stood like that—ridiculously close to each other—and Bailey had to force herself to take a step back. “Um...I’m going to get going. The plows are out and I see that you cleared the lot and my car so...there’s no point in hanging around.” She waited a moment and when he didn’t respond, she added, “I also cleared out my desk and locker. My key is on the desk and...I guess that’s it.”
She saw him swallow hard but his gaze never left her. “I thought you said you’d come in Monday so we could talk.”
Her eyes went wide. “Gavin, we’ve been together all weekend and we talked a lot, but...I think it would be best for everyone if I stuck to my original plan and resigned.”
“Best for everyone or best for you?” Before she could answer, he continued. “Because you leaving isn’t what’s best for the clinic or for the patients. Everyone who comes in here adores you and you are the best office manager I’ve ever met.” He paused. “Please reconsider.”
She wanted to say yes so badly, but she knew it would slowly kill her. Forcing herself to look away, she said, “I can’t, Gavin.”
“Why?” It was asked so quietly that Bailey wasn’t quite sure he’d even said it.
With a steadying breath, she looked at him and decided that she might as well be honest. Chances were that she’d never see him again—even in a town as small as Silver Bell Falls.
A Christmas Rescue: A Silver Bell Falls Holiday Novella Page 8
