by Loree Lough
“We’ve always landed on our feet. Where’s your faith, Kasey?”
In the mailbox, in a plain white envelope, was Kasey’s miserable thought.
“If I sit here and let you make the same mistake I made without even trying to talk you out of it, I’d never forgive myself.”
There was a haunting, heartbroken note in her mother’s voice when she said “mistake.”
“When I was a young woman, I wanted to be married so badly!” Pat began. “I wanted children and a house, a husband to pamper…the whole nine yards.” Blotting her eyes with a paper napkin, she sniffed. “I was in my twenties, all my girlfriends were married, some even had a couple of kids. I wanted that life, too, so much that I…”
She swallowed a gulp of coffee. “Now, don’t get me wrong,” she continued, “your father was a good man, a good provider, and God rest his soul, I loved him. But…”
But? How could there be a “but” when Al Delaney was the most wonderful man in the world?
Pat bit her lower lip. “…but I was never in love with him.”
Kasey felt her mouth drop open, and snapped it shut again. Frowning, she put her hands in her lap. It was all she could do to keep from leaping up, stomping out of the house, away from this conversation.
“After your dad popped the question,” her mother said, “I told him about my dream. He promised we’d have kids, dozens of them if that’s what I wanted, soon as we could afford them.
“Well, a year went by, then two, and I started nagging him, demanding to know when we could start our family. But every time I brought it up, he had a hundred reasons why he thought we weren’t ready yet, why we should wait….”
Ever since Kasey was old enough to speculate, she’d wondered why her parents had waited until they were in their mid-forties to start a family.
Pat sighed, blew her nose. “After a while, I realized he didn’t think we’d ever be ready. I began to understand he didn’t want children, that he probably never had wanted them, that he’d only said what I wanted to hear because his mother thought it was high time he got married and out on his own. I thought I’d grow calluses on my knees, praying for God to change his mind.”
But her dad had been such a loving, doting parent! Kasey didn’t understand. She looked at her watch, ran her hands through her hair, crossed her legs, then uncrossed them. She wanted out of here, now, before she found out her father’s love had only been an act…his way of telling her what she needed to hear.
Pat stared at the wall above the sink. “I remember once,” she said, her voice soft and thoughtful, “when we’d been married about twenty years. I’d been spring cleaning. Your father came in and saw the leather jacket I’d bought him for our first anniversary in the trash bin. He’d put on a few pounds and hadn’t been able to wear it in a decade or more, but, oh, what a scolding I got for trying to throw that ratty old thing away!”
Pat held her arms out to her sides. “‘I cherish that coat!”’ she hollered, mimicking him. “‘You cherish a coat?’ I yelled right back at him. ‘Well, I would have cherished our children!”’
Kasey turned sideways in her chair, ready to walk away from the table, to exit the house. To her way of thinking, Al Delaney had been perfect in every way…the perfect father, the perfect provider, the perfect neighbor, a perfect friend to everyone who knew him. She didn’t like anyone—not even her mother—tampering with that memory.
“We never had a honeymoon,” Pat continued, “never took a vacation. And I didn’t complain, because I kept thinking, ‘Look how much money we’re saving by not gallivanting around.’ Kept hoping and praying he’d finally say we had enough in the bank to…”
She wrapped her hands around the coffee mug. “And as I live and breathe I still don’t know why—but he came home from work one day and announced he was taking me to Niagara Falls to celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary. It was all a very big deal, and we planned that trip for months….”
She focused on the wide gold band she still wore on the third finger of her left hand. “He took me to a restaurant and paid extra for a seat near the windows, so we could see the Falls. Then, over dessert, he gave this to me. I cried like a baby, in front of all those people, because it was the first and only thing he ever gave me that I didn’t need.” An impish grin turned up the corners of her mouth as she added, “But I had a little surprise for him, too.”
“‘Al,’ I said, ‘you’re going to be a father.’ He didn’t speak to me for days. In fact, he barely said a word the whole nine months.”
It nearly broke Kasey’s heart, hearing that, because she’d always believed her father loved her more than life itself. If the news had made him angry with her mother…
A dreamy smile sparkled in Pat’s eyes. “But once you arrived, oh, did he change his tune! He loved you like crazy. And more than once, he told me if he’d known how wonderful fatherhood could be, he would have let me have that dozen kids.”
Pat took another sip of her coffee. “After that, we tried to get you a baby brother or sister.” A faraway look distracted her for a moment. “But after a few years of trying, we gave up. The doctors said we’d waited too long. By then, it was too late, and I was just plain too old to—”
Enough! Kasey thought, getting to her feet. She’d convinced herself her mother’s frail health had been the reason she’d had just one child. To find out she could have grown up in a noisy house, with pushing-shoving-giggling-yelling siblings, if not for Al’s fear, or greed, or—at this point, it didn’t matter what he’d been feeling—hurt. She slipped into her jacket. “I have deliveries to make,” she said, grabbing the doorknob.
She was on the porch, ready to pull the door shut behind her, when her mother said, “Kasey?”
Shut the door, she told herself. Just close it and get away from here before she tells you something else you don’t want to hear. “What.”
“Are you in love with Buddy?”
Love?
Until that moment, she hadn’t seriously thought about it. Buddy was nice enough, but while he seemed mulish about maintaining a fast-lane public image, he kept his private life a closely guarded secret. Could she spend a lifetime beside him?
Maybe…
Could she give her heart to a man like that?
No!
Because the guy she gave her heart to would have to be strong and dependable, caring and trustworthy…
Like Adam.
And, Kasey added mentally, he’d have to love the Lord at least as much as she did. She didn’t know what kind of relationship Adam had with God, but could he be that good, that decent, and not be a Christian?
Kasey didn’t think so.
“Well, do you?”
“No.”
“Then, you can’t marry him. Wouldn’t be fair to either of you.”
She respected her mother too much to say, “Mind your own business.” But the real reason Kasey didn’t tell her to butt out was that deep down, she knew Pat was right.
She placed a soft kiss on Pat’s cheek. “I’ll be home by suppertime. We’ll order pizza.” She gave her a quick hug, then said, “Now, close the door before you catch a chill.”
“I love you, honey.”
“Love you, too, Mom. I won’t be long.”
“You be careful out there, honey. People drive like maniacs this time of day, you know.”
She smiled. “Did you take your blood pressure pills?”
“Yes, but thanks for reminding me.”
“You’re missing Oprah….”
“It’s probably a re-run, anyway.”
She’d almost clicked the door shut, when Pat yanked it open again. “Don’t do it, Kasey,” she said, grabbing her daughter’s arm. “You’ll be miserable. Marriage is tough even when you love each other with all your heart and soul. But without it…”
Kasey looked into her mother’s tear-reddened eyes.
“Remember the plaque that used to hang above my sewing machine?”
&nb
sp; Kasey nodded, recalling the many times she’d heard her mother whisper its sentiments while folding towels, ironing tablecloths, pulling weeds from her flower beds. As a girl, Kasey had memorized it, in the hope that as she chanted the words, their meaning would become clear. But even after hundreds of recitations, the verse might as well have been printed in hieroglyphics, for all the sense they made.
Closing her eyes, she quoted it now. “‘Life is like a shell game. In our desire to choose the things that will add value to our lives, we often choose badly, then blame ourselves for our lack of wisdom. But we should not, for the true value is in the choosing as well as in the choice.”’
It reminded her of a similar adage: Be careful when you’re wishing, she paraphrased, because your wish might just come true. At least I have the freedom to wish, Kasey thought, as understanding dawned.
The days passed like a blur for Adam as he rearranged his schedule to be available to the Camerons. Lately, meals consisted of whatever he could find in the hospital vending machines, and relaxation came in the form of sitting at his desk to read patient files. And if he slept at all, tormenting dreams of cemeteries and lightning-streaked night skies woke him.
He tried to ignore the exhaustion that painted dark circles under his eyes, that had him yawning between duties. The only time he paid any serious attention to how he felt was when between rounds at Ellicott General and Greater Baltimore Medical Center, he’d tried to phone Kasey. Every time he heard her lovely voice, singsonging the greeting on her answering machine, disappointment loomed large in his heart.
He was bone tired. Of looking for ways to stay busy so he wouldn’t have time to think about his out-of-control feelings for Kasey, about how powerless he was to help Mrs. Cameron. Maybe, when—if—she recuperated, he’d meet with Kasey and get the whole nasty secret out in the open, once and for all.
Sitting at a red light, Kasey’s gorgeous face popped into his mind, and he watched it go from smiling and serene before his confession, to disillusioned and embittered afterward. The change made his stomach lurch.
No maybes about it. He didn’t have the heart to do that to her.
Another truth bubbled just beneath that one, and Adam admitted his silence was as much for himself as for Kasey. Because guilt—and every negative emotion that went hand-in-hand with it—would be far easier to live with than what she’d think of him once she knew everything.
Why couldn’t he have it all?
Why couldn’t he have Kasey, and conceal his past, too? If he could learn to do that—
The car behind him honked, alerting him that the light had turned green. “Okay, all right,” he grumbled, pulling partway into the intersection. “Hold your horses. You’d think there was a fire or—”
He braked when an ambulance careened around cars in the intersection. Lights flashing and siren screaming, it was a vicious reminder that despite good intentions, rigorous training and state-of-the-art equipment, paramedics couldn’t save every accident victim. His own father’s death was proof of that.
As the emergency vehicle sped up the street, Adam said a quick prayer for its crew, its passenger and their families. The night his dad died, he’d learned about the delicate balance between life and death. A tough lesson for a twelve-year-old.
Adam had a sudden urge to check on Kasey, make sure she was all right. At the next red light, he picked up his cell phone, dialed her number. “Hey, Kase,” he said to her machine. “I’m on my way to Sinai, to see Wade’s mom before her surgery.” He hesitated, uncertain how to conclude the message. “Call you later”? “Gimme a ring”? “Lord knows I miss you.”
“Talk to you soon,” he said, and hung up.
He could only hope he would hear from her soon, because he missed her more than was reasonable, more than was smart, more than was safe.
Adam stopped at a nearby grocery store to pick up some flowers for Wade’s mom, to brighten her bedside table after she left the recovery room. He was trying to decide between a bundle of carnations and a pot of roses, when someone touched his arm.
“Adam, it’s so good to see you.”
He turned toward the familiar voice. “Hey, Pat,” he said, smiling. “Good to see you, too.”
“You look horrible,” she said, frowning up into his face.
He chuckled. “You sure know how to flatter a guy.”
She ignored his teasing. “What have you been doing to yourself? Looks as though you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in a month.”
Hasn’t been that bad, Adam thought, but it’s been close. “Funny I should run into you,” he said. “I left a message for Kasey, not five minutes ago.”
Pat’s left eyebrow lifted. “You don’t say…”
If she meant to send some kind of secret message of her own with that expression, he wasn’t alert enough to decode it.
“How’s she doin’? I haven’t talked to her in…” In too long, he thought unhappily.
“She’s fine.” Pat clucked her tongue, then looked around them like a spy who suspected she was being followed. “Considering,” she added.
Adam’s heart thumped. “Considering? She isn’t sick or anything, is she?”
“No, no.” Pat gave another cursory glance left, then right. “At least, not in a physical way.”
What was it with women, he wondered, that made them talk in riddles? If there was something wrong, why didn’t Pat just spit it out?
“I do believe the girl has lost her mind.”
Adam frowned. Kasey was one of the most sensible, feet-on-the-ground women he’d ever had the pleasure of knowing. “Why do you say that?”
“Because…” She gave the area around them another look-see.
He tucked in one corner of his mouth, trying to summon the patience to pay attention, until Pat doled out the rest of her puzzle.
“That Buddy. He took her to some estate, way up in Baltimore County. Said he was buying it for…for her.”
Adam was all ears now.
She clucked her tongue again. Rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. “I have never liked that man. He was trouble with a capital T when he was a boy, and just because the law hasn’t caught up with him yet doesn’t mean he isn’t trouble now.”
If only Pat would come to the point! He peered at his watch. “I hate to be rude, Pat, but I have to get to the hospital….”
She lay a hand on his forearm. “Goodness gracious sakes alive. Of course you do. How inconsiderate of me.” She patted her mostly-white perm. “You get some sleep, you hear? Have a decent meal once in a while, too, why don’t you. And don’t work so hard. You can’t help your patients if you keel over from exhaustion!”
Realizing she meant to walk off without telling him anything, Adam cleared his throat in frustration. “So what’s up with Kasey?” He said it a little more harshly than he’d intended, and covered it up with a grating laugh that sounded foreign to his ears. “Buddy didn’t harm her in any way, did he?” Because if he did, Adam thought, clenching his fists, I’ll—
“He asked her to marry him!” Pat blurted.
Adam made a concerted effort not to swallow his tongue. “He…what?”
“I know,” she said, shaking her head. “Isn’t it just awful!”
“Awful” didn’t come close to describing what he felt. “What— She— He— But—” He felt like an old phonograph record, stuck in the same groove. Shuffling his feet, he started again. “And what did Kasey say?”
“I wish I knew!” Pat huffed. “The girl is a passel of secrets these days. I have no idea what’s in her head. For all I know, she’s planning to elope, just to save our bacon.”
Adam remembered the way Kasey had felt in his arms, the way she’d returned his kisses in the cabin that night, on her porch on Halloween, in front of her stove on Thanksgiving day. Surely she wouldn’t have responded to him like that if she had feelings for Buddy…if she was seriously considering his marriage proposal.
Would she?
But w
ait, Pat had said “to save our bacon.” So Kasey was considering marriage to Buddy because money was tight? Adam realized that, for one reason or another, he hadn’t dropped off an envelope since the week before he’d met her.
“Between you and me,” Pat said conspiratorially, “I was kind of hoping something would spark between you two.” She grinned up at him. “Think how nice it’d be for me, bragging to all my ladyfriends about my son-in-law the doctor!” She giggled girlishly.
Son-in-law?
Kasey’s husband.
Adam had to admit, the concept wasn’t entirely new to him. Appealing as the idea was, he couldn’t pursue it. Not with that secret hanging between them. Unconsciously, his fingers clamped tighter, crinkling the cellophane around the flowers and reminded him why he’d come to the store’s flower department in the first place.
Wade’s mom, the operation, his promise to be there, before she went into the O.R. “I’d better go,” he said.
“Those are pretty,” Pat said, pointing at the bouquet. “Who’re they for?”
His mind felt like a yo-yo, and fearing he didn’t have the presence of mind to construct a coherent explanation, he simply said, “A friend.” It was true, after all. Mrs. Cameron had been one of his closest, dearest friends, for years.
“Is that so?”
Her expression made it clear she believed the flowers were for a girlfriend. Well, Adam didn’t have time to set her straight right now. As it was, he’d be lucky to make it to the hospital before they started the anesthesia….
“Good to see you,” he said, tipping an imaginary hat as he backpedaled toward the registers. “Tell Kasey I said…” Tell Kasey what? he wondered.
“Bye, Pat. Take care.”
He didn’t remember paying for the flowers. Didn’t recall driving to Sinai. But when he found himself in the hospital parking lot, staring at his steering wheel, he prayed for the first time in…he couldn’t remember how long.
“Lord,” he whispered, eyes closed, “don’t let Kasey do it.”
Maybe, he thought, climbing out of the car, God would listen.
A guy can hope, he thought, heading for the hospital lobby.
