by Susan Lewis
By the time she returned to the flat she’d managed to get Brendan on the phone, but evidently not before Tony had, because it was clear from the outset that Brendan was ready for her call.
‘Sweetie, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I blame myself for you finding out that way,’ he groaned apologetically. ‘I should have made it clearer to Tony that I hadn’t had a chance to talk to you yet. He’s feeling terrible now, so am I. What can we do to make it up to you?’
‘Nothing,’ she’d said brutally, and because she was in the street and unwilling to vent her anger in public, she’d taken great pleasure in cutting him off.
To say this unexpected development in her career had thrown her a curve was an understatement greater than any she’d yet come across. That she’d learned about it from Tony Sommerville, who’d had the insufferable nerve to sweep in out of the blue like some B-movie hero in order to ‘rescue her from herself’ – goddamn him – was so mind-blowing that she was finding it very hard to make herself think straight.
She started to pace the room, stopped and started again. She had to find another job, she’d get on to it right away: the fact that her income flow had just been tourniqueted was already starting to feel like a physical amputation. It didn’t matter that David was well off, and would no doubt tell her not to worry because he’d take care of everything. What mattered was that for as long as she could remember she’d always earned enough to take care of herself. ‘Manically independent’ Tony had called her and for once in his life he was right, because her liberty, self-determination, freedom to choose, be, exist, or even breathe, come to that, had always been in her own hands. In fact, her independence was as fundamental a part of her as her personality, so without it she simply wouldn’t be herself any more.
She was standing in the middle of the sitting room now, staring at her reflection in the mirror over the mantel. She looked harassed, dishevelled and lost, she thought with a chill. ‘I’m scared,’ she admitted to herself.
‘I have to be able to take care of myself financially,’ she told Amy when she got her on the line, ‘if I can’t I’ll … Well, I don’t know what I’ll do, because I’m not the type to be a full-time housewife. I don’t do jams and flower-arranging and jumble sales …’
‘For God’s sake, he’s an MP, not a vicar,’ Amy laughed when she managed to get a word in.
‘But that’s what it’ll be like,’ Lisa insisted. ‘I’ll have to immerse myself in the local community, organising all their fun runs and pony shows and barn dances, and I honestly don’t think I’m equipped for it. I mean, I know it’s all worthy stuff and everything, but it’s going to turn me into one of those do-gooders who gets on everyone’s nerves, or – oh my God, a Brown Owl!’
Amy was still laughing. ‘You don’t think you might be overreacting, by any chance?’ she suggested drily.
Lisa wasn’t entirely sure. ‘All I know,’ she said, less hysterically now, ‘is that everything’s suddenly looking very different to the way it was a couple of hours ago. I’m not even sure who I am without my job, but I do know I need to be my own person. I can’t exist in someone else’s shadow, not even David’s. I’m sorry if that sounds egotistical, but it’s how I feel.’
‘Have you told David about this yet?’ Amy asked.
‘I can’t. He’s doing an interview with The Times at the moment and then he’s got wall-to-wall meetings all day before going to give a talk at some dinner tonight. I’m not expecting to see him until much before midnight.’ She took a gulp of air and braced herself for Amy’s reaction to what was coming next. ‘Actually, there’s something else I haven’t told you,’ she confessed. ‘I saw Tony earlier. We had lunch together …’
‘Lisa, please tell me you don’t mean Tony Sommerville.’
Lisa grimaced. ‘I wish I could.’
There was a silence, during which she could only imagine her sister doing her Zen centring thing, because Amy’s tone was more controlled than angry when she eventually said, ‘OK. So how did it come about? And if you tell me you contacted that man now that everything’s going so well for you, I swear …’
‘Let me answer, will you?’ Lisa cried.
‘Right. I’m listening.’
Lisa attempted her own Zen thing, but couldn’t take long with Amy waiting. ‘I saw him,’ she said deliberately, ‘because he worked on Brendan to make it happen. It had nothing to do with me. I had no idea he was going to be there when I went for lunch. Anyway, the point is, he said some things that I think … Well, I’m starting to wonder if there’s a chance he might be right. Maybe I’m not cut out to be someone’s wife …’
‘Oh for God’s sake, I’m not listening to this,’ Amy snapped. ‘I thought you’d finally reached a point in your life where that man’s influence had died with all the promises he never kept.’
‘I have. It has. But it doesn’t change the fact that … Oh hell, I don’t know what it doesn’t change. I’m all over the place here.’
‘Then let me tell you what it doesn’t change. It doesn’t change the fact that David is a wonderful, generous, honourable and trustworthy man who you’re extremely lucky to have back in your life, and who you love more now than you ever did, and who you’re going to marry in less than six weeks.’
Lisa felt bludgeoned. ‘Am I?’
‘You are.’
Lisa took a breath. ‘Amy, I know you won’t want to hear this, but I’m starting to wonder if I really want to go through with it all. I swear, it has nothing to do with Tony. It’s just that I need to work …’
‘No, what you need,’ Amy interrupted, ‘is to get over the shock of today, and then discuss what’s happened with David. You never know, he might have some great ideas about where you can go, professionally I mean, from here.’
‘I can’t work for him,’ Lisa cried, as though it were already on offer.
‘So what are you going to do? Throw it all away and run off with Tony Sommerville again?’
‘No. I’d never do that. David’s definitely the one I want. It’s just … It’s kind of … Oh, hell, I don’t know what it is.’
‘I’d suggest, out of perspective now you’ve seen Tony.’
‘Probably, but Amy, I have to be honest … I don’t even want to admit this to myself, especially not today of all days, with Tony suddenly back on the scene, but David’s … It’s hard to put it into words, but he’s not really like I thought he was going to be. I mean, you’re right, he’s gorgeous and kind and all the things you said and that I remember about him, but …’
‘Lisa, stop this. You’re trying to talk yourself out of something that we both know you want more than anything.’
‘You’re right, I do, but you have to agree with me, Amy, David’s not as … Well, I suppose as exciting or dynamic as I’d expected him to be. He always used to be, but he’s changed in ways …’
‘He’s older, Lisa. We all are, and over the years most of us have grown up, including David. It’s only people like Tony Sommerville who stay the same, and do you really need me to remind you what an emotional basket case you were practically the whole time you were with him?’
‘No, of course not, and I swear there’s no way I want to go back there again. This really isn’t about him. More than anything it’s about my job …’
‘Which you weren’t even due to restart until next May, so you have all the time in the world to find another. You’re Lisa Martin, remember? You have a well-respected name in travel and journalism, so it’s hardly going to be difficult. Anyway, I thought you were going to write a book.’
‘I am. At least I was until today, but I’ll have to get my employment situation sorted out before I can even think about it now.’
With a sigh Amy said, ‘Listen, I get how much your independence means to you – how can it not when you’ve always had it? Losing it would be like losing your sight, or your hearing … Well, maybe not as bad as that, but I do understand, honestly, and so will David. There’s no way in the world h
e’s going to try and get you to join the WI, or sit at home all day thinking up new recipes for Christmas cake.’
At last Lisa felt herself starting to smile. ‘No, I guess not,’ she conceded, ‘but I …’
‘No more buts. Give yourself a break and stop trying to paint yourself into a future that is never going to exist. OK?’
‘OK.’
‘Good. Now, before you go, tell me how you’ve left it with Tony? Please let the answer be, I’m never seeing him again.’
With a brief feeling of regret, but only for old times’ sake, Lisa said, ‘I certainly have no plans to. We ended on a friendly note, well, sort of, but I made it perfectly clear that there’s no going back for us and I’m pretty sure he got the message.’
‘Mm,’ Amy grunted sceptically, ‘from what I know of that man, he only gets what he wants to get. Did you find out what he’s doing these days?’
Wincing at the improbability of it, Lisa said, ‘He’s an antique dealer, apparently.’
Amy gave a cry of laughter. ‘Yeah right, and I’m a jockey. Do you know where he’s living?’
Deciding it was probably best not to mention the Cotswolds, with them being in the next county, Lisa said, ‘He says he’s staying in some relative’s house somewhere. I didn’t really get into it.’
‘Well, as we know, wherever he is this week, he’ll more than likely be gone by next. Thank goodness. Now comes the all-important question, do you think you still have feelings for him?’
Aware of her heart contracting a little as she turned to meet her eyes in the mirror, Lisa said truthfully, ‘I’ll probably always have some, but thankfully, they’re nothing like they used to be.’
‘I’m relieved to hear it. So all this nonsense about not being sure about David has nothing to do with wanting to go back to Tony?’
‘Absolutely not.’ She was quite certain about that. ‘You’re right, I was overreacting to everything just now.’
‘Which was really only to be expected when you’d just been dealt a double whammy, Tony Sommerville and redundancy, plus we mustn’t forget that you’re in the throes of organising your own wedding, always a stressful time, particularly for someone who’s been single for so long. In fact, frankly, if you didn’t have the odd panic attack here and there, or go a bit loopy from time to time, you really wouldn’t be normal.’
Smiling, Lisa said, ‘Do you reckon David has them too? I sometimes wonder when I catch him staring into space. You know, it worries me, what he might be thinking about.’
‘Whatever it is, try to remember this is a challenging time for him too, what with his daughter being the way she is and the demands of his job …’
‘Not forgetting losing his wife.’
‘That too, actually, especially that too, but we know he’s in no doubt about taking another, because he’s the one who doesn’t want to wait.’
‘But if I end up coming between him and Rosalind …’
‘I told you before, he’ll sort that out.’
Lisa felt herself melting again. ‘It’s crazy, isn’t it,’ she said, ‘the madness we put ourselves through when there’s actually no need?’
‘True, but like I said, you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t. Now, if you can promise me you’re not about to do anything rash or get yourself worked up over nothing again, I’ll have to love you and leave you, I’m afraid. I’ve got a mountain of work to get through here before I take Mum into Bath to try and find her a hat.’
‘I promise,’ Lisa replied dutifully.
‘Good. Talk to David when you can, and I’ll call you tomorrow.’
After ringing off Lisa carried on standing where she was for a moment, not entirely sure what to do next. Unusually she had nothing scheduled for that afternoon, which wasn’t good after the lunch she’d just had. However, rather than allow Tony Sommerville to take root in her thoughts, she decided to spend the next couple of hours contacting all the editors she knew to see if they might have something to offer.
Once that was done she set about replying to the string of emails that had poured in lately from friends all over the world. Almost everyone wanted to know how her wedding plans were going, or to congratulate her if they’d only just heard, or to offer their villa or apartment, or even a yacht in one case, if she and David were in need of somewhere to spend their honeymoon. The generosity was overwhelming, and it made her feel quite emotional to realise there were so many people prepared to welcome David into their lives just because of their affection for her.
It was funny, and in a way sad, she reflected, when she finally closed her laptop much later in the day, how no one had mentioned Tony in their messages. They all knew him, at least most did, and as far as she was aware they were as fond of him as they were of her. However, she guessed it would hardly have been tactful to ask if she was still in touch with him, or to pass on any news they might have of him, while congratulating her on ‘finally finding the right one’, as a few had put it. She hadn’t realised they’d never considered Tony to be that. Or maybe they had at the time. It was certainly a delusion she herself had laboured under for long enough, when she’d been so mad about him that she’d actually considered ending it all during the weeks after she’d left and he hadn’t contacted her. It hardly seemed credible now that she could have got herself into such a state, but at the time there hadn’t felt any point to going on when she couldn’t imagine anyone ever being as exciting or challenging or just plain romantic as he was. Even his unpredictability – which she’d detested as much as she’d loved – had set him apart from everyone else, along with his outlandish ‘projects’ and gestures, and totally irresistible charisma. He could make her feel like the most beautiful and desirable woman alive one minute, and the most neglected and ill used the next.
She found herself wondering if David would ever whisk her off to Zurich – from Hong Kong – on the spur of the moment, simply because she’d expressed a fancy for kalbsbratwurst. Or helicopter her in to some remote part of the Australian outback where he was prospecting for opals, because he was missing her. Or shower her with rose petals from a small plane he’d just won at the tables while she, as the Bikini Babe, was on a beach in the Bahamas doing a piece to camera. Actually, it didn’t matter at all if David wouldn’t do any of those things – she wouldn’t even want him to – but there was no doubt Tony’s flair for the unusual and extravagant had been a huge part of her life, and his appeal, back then.
There had also been his unfailing and enraging talent for letting her down, of course – like the time he called from Mexico to make his excuses when she was expecting him for an important function in Turkey – and he was the one who spoke the language. Or the outrageous way he’d left her stranded on an island in the South China Sea to be rescued a day later by an Indian navy ship. He’d forgotten her birthday on a regular basis, almost never called when he said he would, and he was forever investing her money and losing it. (However, it had to be said that more often than not he’d suddenly repay it with twice, even four or five times the amount she’d given him.) As far as she knew he’d never had a proper job, unless playing the financial markets, blackjack and all systems of roulette could be called proper. In fact, she’d met him in Vegas, back when she was young and impressionable and quite possibly, for the first time since David, ready to fall in love. As it turned out, she’d also come extremely close to marrying Tony in Vegas, but by then they’d been together for six or seven years.
He’d had a massive win that day, and they’d both had way too much to drink, so it had seemed like the most natural and fabulous idea in the world to round off the night by getting hitched. They’d even made it as far as the town hall for the licence before fate had decided to stage one of its more peculiar rescues from the jaws of disaster by shoving her under the wheels of a stretch Hummer.
Fortunately, her injuries hadn’t been life-threatening; however, they were serious enough to keep her hospitalised for over a week. During this time Tony’s app
arently unlimited supply of sympathy had got on her nerves to such an extent that finally, in a rage of self-pity and frustration, she’d told him to get lost and just leave her there, and to her amazement he had.
She’d ended up forgiving him, of course, because she always had – eventually – mainly because he had a way of making it impossible not to. It might be something as simple as a dinner he’d cooked himself, or a romantic note wrapped around her toothbrush, or, on one memorable occasion, remembering to call her mother after Matilda had worried herself silly about going to the optician’s. Whatever it was, he’d always had a way of winning her over again, and no matter how happy she was to be with David she’d never deny how special her time with Tony had been too.
And now, if he was to be believed, he’d turned himself into a countrified gentleman of Gloucestershire with respectability, property and even a gilt-edged business card. Wondering where she’d put it she dug around in her bag, eventually locating it in the back pocket of her jeans. She couldn’t help smiling as she read it, since it looked genuine enough, but it was still extremely hard to get her head around: first, how he’d come by this business, and second, the idea of him living what for him would be a very pedestrian sort of existence. However, knowing him as she did, the whole thing, house, shop and upstanding persona, was far more likely to be a front for something shady or top secret, as he’d no doubt rather put it, than it was to be a bona fide attempt to settle down and impress her – at least she hoped it was, because she truly didn’t want to hurt him.
Though a part of her would have liked to tear the card up and throw it away, her younger, naively romantic self decided to hang on to it for now. It wasn’t that she had any intention of being in touch, it was simply that discarding it would be like discarding him and though she knew he had no role to play in her future, he’d been a vital and important part of her past. So, for the sake of the many wonderful and colourful memories he’d given her, she decided to tuck his card into the back of her wallet, where it would no doubt fade and disintegrate over time, much like the photograph of Catrina David kept hidden away at the back of his own wallet.
