“I’d like two minutes to change; can I ride with you?”
“Yes,” Valeria said before the awkwardness of the situation got the better of her nerves. “I’ll get the kids into the car. Just come out when you’re ready.”
Valeria buckled Marlena into her booster seat and checked Diego’s seat belt. Her thoughts churned. What was Gabriel doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to be in Napa Valley with the other partners in his law firm? Perhaps his flight was after the school fair, in which case, it made sense that he would want to change and travel in casual clothes rather than a business suit. He would also want her to drive so that he could catch a cab to the airport directly from the school fair.
Of course, that was what it was.
The sound of a closing door jerked her attention up. Gabriel walked out in a long-sleeved, collared linen shirt and faded denim jeans. He did not carry any bag with him. Valeria frowned. Was he not going to the airport after all?
She caught a glimpse of the only thing he carried—a white legal-sized envelope.
Her heart skipped a beat. Her divorce papers.
He smiled at her, but it was little more than a movement of the lips. The warmth of that barely-there smile did not reach his eyes. He slid into the passenger seat and placed the envelope beneath the car seat. “Sorry to keep you waiting.” His formality chafed her, but she supposed it was the safer path for the both of them to walk, especially in front of the children.
She focused on the drive to school, leaving him to maintain the running chatter with the children who wanted to know where he had been.
At work.
Why didn’t he come home at night?
He did, but it was late.
Did he kiss them goodnight?
Yes, he had looked into their bedrooms and kissed them goodnight even though they were sleeping.
Valeria knew it was the truth. Each night, she had heard his footsteps on the stairs, had counted his paces to confirm that he had, at least, entered each child’s room. Presumably, he had kissed them too. She had also heard his footsteps stop outside her closed door and stand there for several long moments. The handle of her door never turned though. He had not come in to her.
Did he know then that if he had entered, she would not have resisted? She could not have turned him away.
“We’re here!” Marlena shrieked as Valeria pulled into a parking spot in front of the academy and cut the engine. The little girl unbuckled herself from her booster seat. “Come with me, Daddy. I want to show you the super cool robot I made with clay and painted to look just like Diego’s robot.”
Diego darted out of the car, too, and grabbed Gabriel’s other hand, obviously determined not to let his kid sister steal the spotlight. “And I want to show you my real robot. It moves, Dad, and I have this really neat remote control that makes it raise its arms.”
Valeria pressed her lips together to hold back the bittersweet smile of seeing her children swarm around their father. He was like a different person with them—warm and open—as if being with his family was the only place he could relax and be himself. He had been like that with her too, until…
Until she had left that damned card on the table and thrown a hand grenade into her marriage. Happy anniversary. I want a divorce.
She drew in a deep breath. Had it only been three weeks since she had sent their marriage into a tailspin from which it never recovered?
It was that goddamned anniversary letter.
She should never have written that stupid anniversary letter. She had allowed “I” to be more important than “we.” Worse, she had attributed her emotionally distant father’s worst faults to her husband.
There was, however, one critical difference between Valeria’s father and Gabriel. Valeria’s father had truly not given a damn about his family. In contrast, Gabriel truly gave a damn. He was just too busy working for them to let them know.
She only wished she had placed more value on that aspect of Gabriel before she wrote the note that derailed their lives.
“Hey, girlfriend.” Cherish slipped her arm through Valeria’s. Cherish’s only daughter was six and attended the same Montessori academy. “Haven’t spoken to you in a week.”
“There’s nothing to say.” Valeria stared ahead at Gabriel as he paused to purchase fresh-squeezed lemonade for the children. He glanced back at her and gestured at the drinks stand. She shook her head.
“Looks like things are better between the both of you,” Cherish ventured.
Valeria swallowed hard. “He hasn’t yet returned the divorce papers I signed.”
“You what?”
“The day after you and I spoke, I signed the papers.”
“After you smelled someone else’s perfume on him? What did he say about that?”
“That he kissed someone. That it was a mistake, and he screwed up. That it didn’t go beyond that.”
“That leech,” Cherish fumed. “He’s probably lying.”
“No, he’s probably not.” Valeria sighed. “Lying’s never been his style.” Gabriel was twenty feet ahead of her and out of earshot, his hands in his children’s as they escorted him from stall to stall.
“So are you divorced, or are you not?”
“I don’t know. I guess it depends on whether he’s signed the papers.” She thought of the legal envelope in the car.
“And he’s said nothing about the divorce?”
Valeria shook her head. “We haven’t seen much of each other all week, but before that…” Her voice quavered. “Before that, he had been making an effort to come back early for dinner. In fact, he found the papers because he’d come back for lunch. If he hadn’t—”
“If he hadn’t?”
“I might have destroyed them. I spoke to two people that day who made me think perhaps I’d made a mistake about him, but he saw the papers and…”
“And?”
Valeria sucked in a deep breath. The sound trembled on the edge of a sob. “He asked me if it was what I really wanted. And then he asked me if I loved him.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything.”
Cherish pursed her lips. “Oh.”
“Oh? Is that all you can say? My marriage is ending, or has ended, and all you can say is oh?”
“I know you love him, Val.”
“I want to know he loves me too. Just saying it is not enough, not anymore. I just wonder sometimes…”
“What do you wonder?”
“If I was too tough on him. Maybe his actions are screaming it, but I just couldn’t hear it because I was listening for something else. I mean…the house, the car, the kids’ school fees, the rings…” She held out her hand and stared at her glittering diamonds.
“Are you suddenly becoming materialistic?”
“It’s not just that. It’s the way he cleans up after himself so I don’t have to. The way he found someone to fulfill Peter’s wish. The way he worked through the Browns’ insurance and financial issues so they didn’t have to divorce to keep from being drowned by debt. He didn’t say anything to me; he never does.”
“Probably because he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, or because he just sees it as his job.” Cherish shrugged. “People who won’t toot their own horn sometimes find it hard to get ahead in life.”
“Not him. He made partner, did you know that?” Valeria smiled through the ache in her chest. It was easier, with some distance, to admit that she was proud of him.
“That’s cool. Does that mean he’ll have to work more or less?”
“I don’t know. Probably more, I guess.” Though it’s not my business anymore, is it? “Two households will be expensive, even if we sell our home and downgrade to something smaller. I’ve started looking for apartments in this area, near the school. He’ll probably move closer to the city and cut his commute. It doesn’t make sense, really, for him to hike back and forth every day if he doesn’t have to.”
Valeria pressed
her lips together as she watched Gabriel lean down to pick Marlena up and swing her into the air. The swing turned into an aerial backflip, and the sound of her daughter’s happy laughter rang out. Next to them, Diego hopped impatiently. “My turn! Swing me upside down, Dad.”
“He loves them,” she whispered.
“Does he love you?” Cherish asked.
“I don’t see how it matters anymore.” Valeria swallowed through the lump clogging her throat. If he had signed the papers, which he surely must have, the divorce was a done deal. “I should go catch up with them.” Spend our last day as a family together.
Cherish patted Valeria’s arm and released it.
Valeria hurried through the crowd and flashed a bright and forced smile as she rejoined her family. “Now, where should we go next?”
By the time they left the school fair, the afternoon had given way to a golden dusk. The sky was a smear of red and orange, pockmarked by silhouettes of scattered clouds. “Shall we go out to dinner?” Gabriel asked as they loaded the children into the car.
“Dinner! Dinner!” Marlena squealed. Her feet kicked against the back of the driver’s seat.
“I want pizza!” Diego announced.
Valeria looked at Gabriel. “Shall we do Pepe’s?”
“Sure.”
Valeria drove to the local pizza joint not far from their home, acutely aware of the awkward and deepening silence in the car. As dusk faded, so did the sounds of whining and exhausted children in the backseat of the car. Gabriel glanced over his shoulder as Valeria pulled into the parking lot outside Pepe’s. “They’re asleep,” he said, his voice hushed.
“We should just go home,” she said.
“Yeah.” His voice was listless.
She glanced at him. He leaned his head against the headrest, baring his throat in a gesture that made him seem vulnerable. No doubt he was too tired to care. Even in the darkness, she should see the lines of strain on his face and the weary, hopeless set of his eyes.
“You must really want pizza,” she tried for levity.
He shook his head. “Just wanted to go out as a family one last time.” He reached under the seat and took out the envelope. “Maybe we should just do this here. If you hate the memories, it’s easier to replace a car than a house. Your divorce papers. Signed.”
With a lump in her throat, Valeria removed the papers from the envelope. Her hands trembled as she flipped through the documents. “These aren’t my divorce papers.”
He did not look at her. A tree on the other side of the parking lot seemed far more fascinating to him. “I talked to your lawyer and got him to draft a fresh set. Bigger alimony—you’ll need it through the transition. The house is also yours, free and clear. Everything in it. I’ve arranged to have the mortgage balance transferred into a personal loan in my name. The house is officially paid off, so you don’t have to worry about it, other than insurance and taxes, and the alimony should more than cover it. There’s a deed in the package as well, transferring the house to you.” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “There’s more for the children, including trust funds I’ve set up for college or whatever they choose to do later in life. There are a couple of smaller things in there, including cost of living adjustments, but I’ve just about covered the big things. You should read the settlement over carefully. I asked Brandon to block off time for you in case you want to talk to him about it—if you want to call him now, he’s expecting to hear from you—but it’s a solid agreement. Take it from a divorce lawyer; I should know.” A rueful smile flickered across his face. “It’s a new set of papers, so you’ll have to sign it again, but I’ve already signed it.” He pulled a pen from his shirt pocket and held it out to her.
She took the pen from him, flicked on the light in the car, and by its dim glow, read through the divorce settlement while her soon-to-be-ex-husband stared out the other window, utterly silent.
Ten minutes later, when she set the papers down, she realized one thing. He had given her and the children practically everything. She stared at the empty place for her signature. Her hand tightened, white-knuckled, on the pen. Slowly, she set it down and looked up at him. “Why didn’t you to go Napa Valley for the partners’ retreat?”
Gabriel’s head snapped up. He had been lost in his own thoughts and unprepared for conversation, but Valeria’s voice shattered the solitude he had been using as a shield. He glanced at the divorce papers that lay between them and quickly looked away before he could see if she had signed them.
He wasn’t ready yet to face up to the fact that his marriage was over.
“Why didn’t you go to Napa Valley?” she asked the question again.
“What was the point?” He turned his face to the window. “I did it for us, and you didn’t want to go, so what was the point in me going?” Suddenly, he wanted to talk. God knew it was probably his last chance to tell her everything that was in his heart and on his mind. “The partnership in the firm—it was just part of the plan, a milestone we’d both talked about achieving. You did your part, I thought I did mine, but then the finish line changed, and I still don’t know why.” He expelled his breath in a sigh. “I don’t know where the finish line is anymore. I thought perhaps we could still find it together, but I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
“It doesn’t explain this.” She tapped the papers between them.
“I figured something out when I saw the first set of papers you had Brandon put together. You may not love me, but you don’t hate me either.” He breathed in, but the motion failed to sooth the raw pain inside. “And if I try, I can live with that. I want to give you what you want; God knows you’ve given me everything all these years. I don’t want to hurt you or the kids, so—” He looked up at her and tried for a smile, knowing that it wavered on his lips. “So let’s do this gracefully, and we’ll all find a way to cope.”
She stared at Gabriel. He held her gaze for a moment and then looked away, returning his attention to whatever it was that was so captivating outside his window.
He was trying to cope. She could see it in his uneven breaths, in his hands that closed into fists and then relaxed in time with his heartbeat.
She swallowed hard and strove for an even tone. “The night I left the note for you, I was furious you’d chosen your work over me.”
He did not turn to look at her. “I was at the ER.”
Valeria blinked. “What?”
“My client had been shot. Lily Herald.”
Lily had been Gabriel’s client? The news about how Raphael Falconer, a junior pastor at a mega church, had attempted to murder his ex-wife had been the mainstay of the media channels for weeks. “I didn’t know.” Valeria’s voice trembled. “Why didn’t we talk about this earlier? When you first read that anniversary card, why didn’t you come in to talk to me right away?”
“I couldn’t. I was too upset.”
“Over Lily?”
“No.” Gabriel caught himself, frowned, and shook his head. “Partially, perhaps,” he conceded. “I’d just seen a divorce go wrong in the worst possible way, and then I read your card. I couldn’t talk to you, then.”
“But it would have told me you cared! I would have known that I mattered…that our marriage mattered to you.”
“You matter to me.”
“So why didn’t you fight for—?”
“I don’t want to fight!” The words came out in a vehement whisper. Gabriel caught himself and ground his teeth. “I don’t want to fight,” he repeated, his voice anguished. “I saw my parents argue and fight. Every time, I saw my father hit her until she bled. That temper…that anger…it’s in me too. And that letter—” His hands clenched into fists before he deliberately opened them. “When I read it, I knew I couldn’t go near you. If I did, we would argue. We would fight. I…I couldn’t. I couldn’t trust myself, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Oh, God, Gabriel.” She covered his trembling hands with hers. “I didn’t know. Why didn’t you ev
er tell me?”
“What was I supposed to say?” His voice took on a sarcastic edge. “‘You’re the most generous-hearted and loving woman I’ve ever met. Oh, by the way, my father used to hit my mother whenever he lost his temper, which was several times a week. My mother, who was kind and gentle, eventually stopped loving me because I was my father’s son. So, knowing that, knowing what stock I come from, will you please marry me anyway?’” Gabriel shook his head. “How could I tell you the truth? You were the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, and I couldn’t lose you. I thought I could just work on being a better person than my father.”
“You are.”
Gabriel shrugged, dismissing her words. Valeria bit back the objection. Of course, considering how their marriage stood on the brink of failure, Gabriel had no reason to take her words as anything other than mere platitudes. “Why didn’t we talk earlier?” she asked.
“We did. We had lunch at the café.”
“That wasn’t a talk. You were taking apart the situation with the methodical precision of a lawyer. You were zeroing in on a solution.”
“Of course. That’s why people talk.” Gabriel sounded matter-of-fact. His brow furrowed as if he had imagined it should have been obvious to Valeria too.
Valeria choked back a laugh that bordered on a sob. “That’s not why women talk. You and I…we don’t talk about anything meaningful anymore. We haven’t for years.”
Gabriel ground his teeth. “All I handle at work is one divorce after another. I don’t want to talk about how someone else’s marriage is falling apart.” He looked at her, his eyes betraying his anguish. “And I don’t have anything else to talk about.”
She stared at him as realization sank in. “How long have you hated your job?”
His throat worked as he swallowed hard. “It pays the bills, and I like my colleagues.”
“Is that the best you can say about your job?” she asked.
“It’s what we wanted, isn’t it?”
“Not if it makes you miserable.”
“I’m not miserable, I’m—”
Desired: A Love Letters Novel Page 10
