by Emlyn Hall
music,” are full of crap, I did loads this evening and it pretty much all sunk in.
Why don’t they make sex an Olympic sport? Then I would have to practise extra hard. Maybe even seven hours a day. On second thoughts, that may prove to make things a little bit sore.
Friday, February 17th
Today has been a nightmare!
All was going well in the morning. We had a nice full breakfast as Dad had the day off work and he’d decided to knock up one of his specials. I did a bit of revision, had a bit of a kick around in the garden with Ollie and then things went very wrong.
“Matt, get your ass in here!” shouted my dad. It wasn’t a friendly ‘get your ass in here!’ but a nasty, aggressive and hateful ‘get your ass in here!’. There was no two ways about it, I was in deep shit about something.
I sheepishly wandered into the house to see what the hell I had done. My brain was racing all over the place… Just what had I done? Ah, I remembered…
“What the hell is this?!” My dad pointed to his laptop. “Anal treasures! Have you been looking at porn on my work laptop?!”
I immediately turned tomato red and squeaked, “Yes, sorry”. I suppose I could have lied, I could have denied it, but I think that would only have prolonged the misery and embarrassment. I thought that it was a much better idea to face this one like a man. An anal treasures and porn loving man.
“It’s not bad enough you have been looking at porn, but to do it on my work laptop! What the hell were you thinking? And anal porn – what the hell is the matter with you?”
“I’m sorry OK, what can I say?” I was dying. I don’t think I have ever been as embarrassed. I fully wanted a hole to open up and swallow me. Then I wanted a black hole to open up and swallow that previous hole, reduce me and all the matter that I was made of into the size of an atom and spew me into an entirely new universe, infinitely far away from my father’s disgusted stare.
But it didn’t. So I just stood there, bright red with shame.
“I am ashamed of you, it’s lucky that I spotted it as well. Imagine if bloody ‘anal treasures’ popped up during a meeting! I would lose my job, Matt! You really are a fucking idiot at times!”
This bollocking went on for quite some time. It took the predictable format of me saying I was ‘sorry’ and him calling me either an ‘idiot’ or a ‘fucking idiot’. It finished with him sending me to my room and banning me for life from his laptop. Fair enough I suppose.
When my mum came back from work she joined in with the humiliation process.
“What bothers me most, Matt, is not that you were looking at porn, I can sort of understand that. But that you were probably wanking away in our living room! What if one of our neighbours saw you? How would you live that down? How would any of us live that down?”
Again, I could only really manage a “Sorry”.
As I changed for bed I noticed that my penis was covered in tiny red spots, I obviously now think I have either syphilis, gonorrhoea, herpes, HIV or all of them and some others diseases I have not heard of yet. I imagine that I will probably be dead within a week. At least the embarrassment would go away then.
Now it’s started to itch as well.
I don’t think this is quite what Lou Reed had in mind when he wrote the song ‘Perfect Day’.
Saturday, February 18th
I spent the day alone, in shame, in my bedroom. I was too embarrassed to face my parents. God knows what they must think of me.
I am officially an ‘anal-loving, spotted-cocked loser’ it’s a good job Sasha is still away. I didn’t speak to her yesterday, it just didn’t feel appropriate!
Sasha gets back from the North today. Unfortunately she is not going to get back until around 8:30 in the evening and will probably be tired, so I will catch up with her tomorrow. Luckily it’s just bowling and not sex, I definitely will not be able to have sex while I have an acute dose of ‘cock pox’!
These little red spots on my manhood are really worrying me, they itch and look like they are getting worse. If they don’t look any better tomorrow I suppose I had better go and see the doctor. I don’t fancy having to do that, the woman in the surgery reception is a right nosey old shit bag. She pretty much thinks she is the doctor at the surgery and wants to know everything, I imagine that the conversation would probably play out as follows:
Me – Can I have an appointment to see the doctor please?
Nosey Old Shit Bag – Why? What’s wrong with you?
Me – Oh, it’s a problem I have downstairs.
Nosey Old Shit Bag – What exactly is the problem?
Me – Something to do with my ‘man area’.
Nosey Old Shit Bag – Can you describe the problem to me please, sir.
Me – I would rather do that with a doctor if it’s all the same with you.
Nosey Old Shit Bag – I am afraid all the doctors are very busy and only seeing genuine emergencies. Is this a genuine emergency?
Me – Yes, I appear to have a rather nasty disease of the cock! It’s covered in red spots, itches like a bastard and it’s threatening to fall off at any moment! Now book me a fucking appointment you sad, old, smelly cacky-fingered old witch and stop asking me anymore questions – else I will unleash it from my trousers and belt you across the head with it!!
Well, maybe not the last bit…
I checked my emails this evening. You know you have been looking at websites that you shouldn’t have when you receive emails entitled: ‘8 hours of big tits! Free!’ That made me chuckle. Eight hours of big tits is probably a bit too long. In my limited experience, 20 minutes would probably be plenty!
Sunday, February 19th
I love bowling! I am obviously still rubbish at it (even Sasha beat me!) but going bowling with Sasha has changed my opinion. I think what swung it for me was the fact that I got to stare at Sasha’s perfectly formed buttocks for a good 30 seconds whenever it was her turn to bowl. Weird really, she is my girlfriend after all; surely I should just be able to ask to look at it whenever I want to, maybe even naked! I love bowling and I love leggings even more.
After we had finished bowling, Sasha and I took a walk along the sea front. It was absolutely freezing. The wind drove ice cold rain into our faces and the sea was mercilessly smashing into the pebbles making an almighty noise. But this just added to the romance of it for me. We huddled together, stumbling against the weather and giggling as we went. We stopped and sat for a couple of minutes on a bench to cuddle and kiss before heading off home to thaw out and dry off.
On another positive note, the little red spots on my penis seem to have gone! Hooray, I am sexually transmitted disease, pox and itch free and ready for action!
Monday, February 20th
Back to school today, not such a bad thing really. At least I get to see Sasha every day. Ordinarily I would have been pretty gutted to have been going back.
Sasha and I have become one of those pathetic couples around the school playground that I have always hated. We hold hands all the time, kiss each other and giggle constantly. I just wish that I was in more of her lessons. A little sad I know, but I have honestly never been happier.
I walked Sasha home after school and kissed on her door step for nearly half an hour. Unfortunately her mum was in and sex was not on the menu.
“No one is in tomorrow lunch time,” Sasha whispered in my ear, and then bit it. I know that she did it in a kind of ‘playful, but sexy’ way, but it bloody hurt. The weird thing is that I really liked it, perhaps I’m one of those S&M type fellas who’s into whips, chains and candle wax on nipples.
I walked home with a huge erection (by huge I obviously mean for me, and for me I mean average size for the UK. I’ve googled it!) and a throbbing ear lobe.
The whole ‘Internet porn scandal’ seems to have blown over which is great. My parents have stopped looking at me as if I have just taken a dump on the kitchen table. Time is a great healer.
I spent the majority of my evening shut up in
my room revising. I figured that staying out of everyone’s way and getting my head down was the best way to smooth over things with the olds.
Tuesday, February 21st
I literally leaped out of bed this morning. As soon as my antiquated Bart Simpson clock struck its first note I was wide awake and thinking just one thing. Lunchtime! I rushed downstairs, grabbed a piece of toast from Ollie’s plate and shot out the door to meet Martin. We stopped off to pick up Sasha on the way. Sasha and I were both beaming at each other all the way to school, so much so that Martin felt compelled to asked, “What the hell are you two up to?”
“Nothing,” we said in unison.
The fact was that neither of us could wait until lunchtime. My lessons today were a complete write off; my head was away with the fairies. When the lunch bell rang I pretty much sprinted out of the Chemistry lab and headed to meet Sasha at the school gates. We kissed briefly and jogged off hand in hand to her house. When we arrived there we slammed the door behind us and started tearing each other’s clothes off while stumbling towards the stairs. Sasha paused.
“Mum!” she shouted. We waited for what seemed a lifetime…
No answer… Nice!
By the time we were half-way up the stairs we were both fully naked and ready for action, Sasha grabbed me and started to pull me in. I froze in fear, I had no condoms! In my childlike excitement I had completely forgotten about buying some, how could I have been so stupid? I was just about to announce this
