by Rachel Lacey
Josh was at her side in a moment. “Hey, are you okay?”
She looked up in surprise. “I didn’t know you were here. How long were you waiting?” Her eyes were dark, and her hands shook beneath his.
“Not long. Jenn let me in. What’s wrong? Is it another migraine?”
She nodded. “Would you mind grabbing my purse?”
She motioned toward a table in the hallway, and Josh fetched an expensive-looking red leather bag. He watched as she pulled out a bottle and flicked two pills onto her palm, then swallowed them with water from a glass on the table.
Jenn hurried into the room. “You should have signaled me sooner.”
“I really needed to get that paperwork signed. The stage rendering looks amazing.” Kate’s voice was softer now, her eyes closed.
Jenn turned off the lights and pulled the blinds, then headed for the door. “I’ll call you later. Feel better.” She closed the door behind her.
Kate slid closer and draped herself against him, arm across his chest, head on his shoulder. He rubbed her temples until the tension in her body eased. This one didn’t seem as bad as the migraine she’d had last week, but still, it bothered him to see her in so much pain.
Her breathing evened out, and she lapsed into sleep with her head on his shoulder. He watched her, unsettled by the feelings stirring in his chest. She smelled as enchanting as ever. Her perfume had become a biological need, like air or water. He craved the smell of it when she wasn’t around. He wrapped an arm around her and closed his eyes, lulled by the steady rhythm of her breathing.
“Hey,” she whispered in his ear.
He snapped awake. The clock showed it was past six. They’d dozed on the couch for almost an hour. He pulled her closer against him. “How are you feeling?”
She shrugged. “The pills help, but they also make me loopy. Do you mind if we stay in?”
“Not at all.”
“I’ll be right back. Why don’t you order us some dinner?” She stood and disappeared up the stairs.
Josh rummaged through the kitchen and found a drawer full of takeout menus, pens, a flashlight, keys, and other random items. Apparently, even Katherine Hayes had a junk drawer. He placed an order from a Japanese restaurant they both loved.
When she returned, her hair was damp, her face scrubbed free of makeup. She wore pink polka-dot lounge pants with a matching tank top, all wrapped under a thin, white robe. Josh thought she’d never looked more beautiful.
“I never got to give you one of these.” She leaned in to give him a kiss. Her skin smelled like fresh peaches.
They settled onto the couch. Ben and Jerry, who had followed her downstairs, snuggled into her arms like two furry babies. They ate sushi together and watched old episodes of Saturday Night Live on Comedy Central while they cuddled on the couch. When he went home that night, he knew he was kidding himself to pretend this was just a meaningless fling. And yet, in just a few days, it would all be over.
He sat for a long time on his couch, staring at the polished wood beneath his feet. How could he have such strong feelings for Kate when his heart still belonged to Noelia? And what did it matter anyway? After she left town, they would probably never see each other again. Which, he had to keep reminding himself, was a good thing. He was dangerously close to losing the respect of his students, and he’d never forgive himself if he cost his dad the election.
Unable to shake the bout of melancholy, he walked to the bed. He reached into his nightstand and pulled out the notebook he hadn’t looked at in weeks now. It had been his daily solace for so long—until he’d met Kate. He ran his fingers over the blue silk cover, then flipped it open. It fell automatically to the page he’d come to know by heart, every touch of the pen to paper etched into his brain.
Lost with you
Lost without you
I hold the pieces of my broken heart
I see the blood, but I cannot feel the pain
Can you feel it?
It goes on beating
I go on living
For you
Without you
Lost
It went on for pages. Words of love, loss, pain, hope, and redemption. Words that spoke directly to his own broken, bleeding heart. The notebook had come to him in his darkest hour, in the weeks after her death, as though Noelia herself had reached down from the heavens to leave these words of comfort for him. He’d found it sitting on his rock in Central Park, opened to this page. Words that had helped him find the strength to go on.
Words written in a script that now looked eerily familiar. No. It couldn’t possibly be. He lifted the book and inhaled the trace scent of the page, as familiar to him now as the words written there. The book had been left on his favorite rock.
His and Kate’s favorite rock. She’d been sitting there the first moment he laid eyes on her, writing in a similar book. Kate’s notebook was purple but made of the same material as this one.
He’d been plagued by a feeling of familiarity when they met, something he’d attributed to her celebrity, but maybe that wasn’t it at all. It was her voice, the rhythm of her speech, the scent of her perfume, so engrained in him these past years as he’d taken strength from her words.
Josh leaped to his feet. He grabbed his cell phone and tucked the notebook into his back pocket. He was already halfway down the stairs as he dialed her number.
“Josh?” She sounded groggy. It was nearly midnight, and of course, she’d been asleep. She’d suffered all afternoon with a migraine. She needed rest.
He couldn’t wait. “I’m sorry to wake you, but I need to see you. I’m on my way over.”
“What?”
“I’ll explain when I get there.” He hung up the phone and jogged into the street. He caught a lucky break and snagged an available cab at the end of the block.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on her door. She opened it immediately, wearing the same pink lounge pants and white robe she’d had on when he left an hour ago.
“What’s going on?” Her brows knitted as she invited him in. The lights were off, aside from the lamp on the table by the door. Its soft glow cast deep shadows across her face.
“I’m sorry to barge in like this, but I had to know.” He pulled the notebook from his back pocket and placed it in her hand.
She stared at it for a moment, then looked up at him, her eyes wide.
“Is it yours?” he asked.
She opened the book and thumbed through the pages much as he’d done over the last two years. “Yes. Where did you get this?”
“I found it in Central Park. On our rock.” His world was spinning. He’d known the truth, but hearing her confirmation made it real.
Kate had written those words.
His chest burned.
She wrinkled her brow. “I lost this years ago.”
“I found it years ago.” He walked to the couch and sat, staring silently at the Manhattan skyline outside.
She sat next to him, the notebook clutched between her hands. “I don’t understand.”
“You left it on our rock, and I found it. We must have just missed each other. Two years ago, right after Noelia died. It was like a gift from the heavens, just sitting there. These words—your words—saved me.”
She flinched. “Oh my God.”
“I’ve kept it by my bed all this time. I’ve read it probably a thousand times. I don’t know what to say. I’m just…” He threw his hands up in the air.
Kate wrote those words. This was life-altering information. He could almost feel the ground shifting beneath his feet.
She stared at him without speaking, then returned her gaze to the notebook. Her fingers traced the doodles rimming each page as she flipped through them. Finally, she snapped it closed. “How long have you known?”
“Tonight. I pulled it out tonight for the first time since you and I started dating, and the minute I saw your handwriting, I knew.”
A smile touched her lips. “This is wild. I d
on’t even know what to say.”
“You said you’d never lost someone you loved. How could you write those things? How could you know the pain I’ve felt?”
Her smile faded. “I don’t know how to tell you this, because obviously this notebook has been important to you, but I wrote this stuff while I was preparing for a role. A movie. I was trying to get inside my character’s head. I guess I did a good job.”
“A movie?” He stiffened. “You made it all up?”
She looked down at the book in her hands. “I felt every one of those words as I was writing them, but it was my character’s pain, not my own. I’m sorry if this spoils the illusion for you.”
Josh felt hollow. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected when he came dashing over here, but this was not it. There was no cosmic connection between them, nothing but an ironic coincidence. He cleared his throat. “It doesn’t matter. Your words helped me. I just thought you should know.”
“Thank you.” She reached over and gripped his hand. “I know it seems made up to you, but my heart and soul are in these notebooks. I…I’m really glad you found this one.”
“I am too. I’ll go now. You need to sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She stood and pressed the book into his hands. “Keep it.”
“But it’s yours…”
“It’s yours now. Keep it.” She closed his fingers over its worn silk cover, then walked up the stairs, leaving him standing alone in the half-lit hallway, holding a book of broken dreams.
12
Something died between them that night, an innocence lost. Josh never mentioned the notebook again, but Kate felt his disappointment every time he looked at her. He’d finally accepted the reality of her life: that it was all fake. It was for the best, really. They’d both gotten what they needed out of the relationship, and now it was time to say goodbye.
It wasn’t that the spark between them had faded. For her, anyway, it burned brighter than ever. As she sat next to him on their rock in Central Park, she ached for him, to feel his arms around her, his lips on hers, to feel his body touching hers, inside and out. She absolutely hated this unspoken awkwardness between them.
On Wednesday, she accompanied Doreen to her weekly radiation treatment and let her mother guilt her into spending the rest of the afternoon at Doreen’s apartment while she rested on the couch and Kate waited on her hand and foot.
“I’ve already met someone here in the city. Can you believe it?” Doreen said as she sipped her peppermint tea.
“That was fast.” Kate took a sip of her own tea and looked out the window.
“His name’s Fred Matarazzo. He’s taking me out later, if I’m feeling up to it. We might see a Broadway show. Moving to the city has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“I’m glad, Mom.” Moments like this, she felt a fragile connection forming between them.
“I can’t tell you how grateful I am for everything you’ve done for me,” Doreen told her. “It’s so nice having someone to lean on for a change.”
And so Kate found herself promising to hire someone to accompany her mother to her upcoming treatments after Kate had left town. On the surface, Doreen was humble and appreciative, but Kate left her apartment feeling emotionally drained and out of sorts. Since that first day, they hadn’t mentioned the past, which was both a relief and a burden. Kate was doing her best to embrace this chance to rebuild their relationship, but they’d have to face their demons sooner or later.
By the time her last night in New York rolled around, she was so restless and frustrated, she was ready to crawl out of her own skin. She couldn’t let her relationship with Josh end with a whimper. It was time to move on, but they’d shared something special…something that deserved to go out with some sizzle.
Kate knew a thing or two about sizzle. She reserved a private lounge for them at Bella Luna, a swank new club on Thirty-First Street, and even hired her hair-and-makeup team to help doll her up.
As luck would have it, she’d just received a dress in the mail from one of her favorite designers. It fit like a dream, slinky and seductive in amethyst silk. She accented it with a diamond pendant that dipped suggestively close to her cleavage. Linda worked a sexy, smoky look for her with heavy eyeliner and a foundation that shimmered, while Leo slicked her hair back in a ponytail that hung to her waist with a few nicely done extensions.
She snapped a selfie and shared it on Instagram with the caption Last night in New York!
But her excitement over going home to LA and the upcoming tour was tempered with regret over leaving Josh—and maybe even Doreen—behind.
“Wow.” Josh stopped in his tracks when he saw her. “You look…gorgeous. Amazing.”
He ducked into the Mercedes beside her.
“Thank you.” She slid closer on the seat to give him a quick kiss. “You look pretty handsome yourself. Listen, Bella Luna is bound to have paparazzi camped out. We’ll make a splashy entrance, but I’ve got a private lounge reserved, and we’ll sneak out the back when we leave. Sound fair?”
“Yes. Am I dressed okay?” He gestured to his gray pants and periwinkle-blue button-down shirt.
“You look great.” And he did. Designer suits and the Hollywood actors who wore them had lost their allure. Right now, Josh Randall was the sexiest man alive as far as she was concerned.
Anton pulled up in front of the restaurant. As she’d predicted, the paparazzi swarmed as they stepped from the Mercedes. Josh wrapped his arm around her. She leaned into him and smiled as strobing flashbulbs gave the night air a disco effect.
“Katherine! Katherine! Over here!” They shouted over each other, jockeying for position.
“What’s the occasion?” someone asked.
She kept smiling, intoxicated by the flashing cameras. “It’s my last night in New York. Tour rehearsals start on Monday in LA.”
“When does it start?”
She inched her way toward the door with Josh still on her arm. “It kicks off October twentieth at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas, but I’ll be back here in New York at Madison Square Garden the first week of November.”
“What can you tell us about it?”
“Big, glamorous…I’m pulling out all the stops on this one. You won’t be disappointed.”
“Who’s your date? Is this the infamous mystery man?”
She glanced at Josh. He was smiling, but his face looked strained. “He’s a friend.”
The word stuck to her tongue. Josh was so much more than a friend, so much more important than she should have ever allowed him to become, because when push came to shove, he wanted nothing to do with this part of her life. He didn’t want to be associated with her publicly. Technically, she was breaking the rules of their agreement right now. Maybe she’d wanted to claim him as hers, just a little, just for tonight.
“Thanks, guys.” She waved to the photographers and pulled Josh through the door behind her.
The hostess was at their side in moments and whisked them upstairs to their private lounge. Kate squeezed his hand as they stepped inside. A table set for two by the window flickered with candlelight. Beside it, a bottle of champagne sat chilling in a bucket of ice. The room glowed with endless strands of colored lights and thumped seductively with the beat of the dance floor below. There were couches along the wall and plenty of space for dancing, should the urge strike.
“Again, wow,” Josh said from the doorway.
She walked to the table and lifted the bottle. “Champagne?” She wrapped it with a cloth napkin and popped the cork.
Josh stepped in and poured two glasses. “To your tour.”
“To our last night.”
The air between them thickened, heavy with unspoken feelings, regret, longing. Sadness washed over her, when she should have felt excitement for the next chapter of her life. She clinked her glass against his, then took a long drink. Josh set the glasses on the table and pulled her into his arms.
“I’ll miss yo
u.” His breath tickled her ear.
Goose bumps pebbled her skin. “Me too.”
He kissed her, and her eyes fell shut. She melted into him, heat pooling beneath her skin everywhere he touched.
“You’re going to drive me crazy tonight in that dress.” He ran his hands down her back.
She felt the warmth of his fingers through the soft silk as easily as if she wore nothing at all. “That was my intention.”
His hand lingered on her thigh. “Do we have to stay here long enough to eat?”
“Yes, we do. The night is young.” She reached for her glass and reluctantly disentangled herself from his embrace. “I Wish” was playing downstairs, probably in honor of her presence.
Her body fell automatically into the pattern of dance moves that had become ingrained during her recent performances. She danced and sang, feeling light and happy. Josh caught her in his arms at the end of the song, and they kissed with a glittering kaleidoscope of colored lights dancing in their eyes.
* * *
Was it possible to become starstruck on their last night together? Josh watched in quiet reverie as Kate spun on the dance floor. When she sang, something special happened, like a spotlight shining out from inside her. She had an amazing gift and a genuine love for her fans. In fact, she’d completely altered his view of celebrity. There was a scary thought.
The waitress knocked and entered, carrying a tray of fresh baked bread and two steaming bowls of lobster bisque. She transferred the food to their table and slipped from the room.
He took Kate’s hand as they walked to the table. “This looks delicious.” He was starving, and not just for the woman seated across from him.
She sipped her soup and nodded. “The food here is amazing.”
“I can see how you get used to this life.”
“Yeah, this certainly doesn’t suck.”
He focused on his soup as he wrestled with a torrent of conflicted emotions. He almost wished he’d never discovered the notebook was hers. Something about it seemed lost now that its origin was no longer a mystery. He could no longer pretend the words had somehow magically come from Noelia. Instead, Kate had written them while practicing for a role in a movie. They weren’t even real.
