by S Kaeth
Be still, be quiet. Sleep. You are broken. We will fix you. We will come for you. We will stay. It will all stay the same. Nothing changes. The broken will be fixed. We have learned much. The ways of warfare, the value of liberty. Be still. We will fix you.
She sat up with a jolt, wincing as pain flooded her. The memory of the dream dissipated like morning mist.
“My apologies.” Tjodlik’s expression was surprised and contrite. “I did not mean to startle you.”
She smiled as Eian opened his eyes and stretched from where he’d been sleeping next to her.
“It’s fine, do not worry.” Her mind felt much more clear this morning. It didn’t even bother her too much when Eian translated for her.
“My aunt says you wish to buy crystals for Answer?”
Kaemada nodded. “Yes, are you ready now?”
Tjodlik nodded.
“Kaemada,” Taunos interrupted. “Tell me truthfully. Are you feeling alright?”
She put on a confident smile and hoped he wouldn’t see through it. “I see nothing that isn’t truly there.”
Though clearly worried, Taunos said nothing more against her plan.
“Please can I come? I want to see more!” Eian clutched at her hand.
“Acha’iyih, I do not know if it would be safe.”
“I’m bored.”
“I will keep you both safe,” Tjodlik said. “The presence of a noble affords much protection.”
Kaemada scanned the room. Elisabei was busy with Ra’ael, and Takiyah and Taunos could barely move. Ice squeezed her heart at the thought of leaving Eian with strangers. What if something happening to him? There was Reinan, but all she could see was Theron and the guards of the City. She fought down a shudder. No. At the moment, she was the most mobile. She swallowed hard, searching Tjodlik’s face, remembering the deference given to Dode even by those who argued with her.
“Are you sure?” Kaemada asked. She’d need someone to translate for her, it was true. So when Tjodlik nodded, she gave in, to Eian’s excitement.
As Tjodlik pointed out the sights and patiently humored Eian’s questions, she watched the people—common Kamalti people, just trying to go on with their lives. Their sky was stone instead of blue, and their air clogged with smoke instead of filled with life. Some looked at them askance but most ignored them. Occasionally someone would call out a greeting to Tjodlik or give them a friendly nod. Not so different, under the trappings, from her own people. Just as in the City of the Lost, they didn’t need Kaemada to save them. Perhaps, she could help them help themselves, just as her mother had tried to do with the Darks. She could never convince all Kamalti and Rinaryn to work together. That had been a naïve dream. Even this city was likely too much. But to convince individuals? That, she could do. First, she had to understand them.
They entered a little shop that sold beautiful crystals of various colors and designs as well as little metal boxes. Tjodlik indicated each crystal, explaining what it meant, but very quickly Kaemada’s head swam with all the details. A squat green pyramid meant envy, but a tall green pyramid signified hope and aspiration, and a tall blue pyramid stood for longing, and so on. Some of the crystals shimmered and danced before of her eyes, and she placed her hand on the table to keep herself steady. She tugged her shawl more closely around herself as if that would ground her. Thankfully, no full-fledged hallucinations formed.
“This is a very complicated system of communicating.” Kaemada stared around her, bewildered. “Please, will you help me pick them out? I do not wish my ignorance to negatively affect my message.”
Tjodlik shook his head after Eian translated. “It simply is not done. These feelings cannot properly be expressed in words. It is quite rude and, well, uncivilized.”
“But how am I to learn this system so quickly? You grew up learning it. I’m, as you say, an Outsider. There must be room for a little flexibility.”
“It would not be proper. But here. First, think of what you want to say.”
“I want to express my apologies for any wounds, physical or otherwise, Answer may have felt, and my hope for friendship.”
Tjodlik frowned, vexed as the words came out of her mouth, even though he could not have understood because Eian did not translate. Instead, her son ran through the store, gathering several crystals. With a wave, she cautioned Tjodlik to stop and watch. The storekeeper scowled at them and crossed his arms as he waited, staring at Tjodlik.
“Do not worry,” Tjodlik said. “All will be paid for.”
The storekeeper nodded, but his arms remained crossed, and his stare continued until Eian returned to Kaemada with a variety of crystals predominantly in blue and yellow.
“That was fun!” he proclaimed.
Kaemada tousled his hair. “You’re full of surprises, acha’iyih.”
“How did he do that? I thought your people were not familiar with the Crystal Language,” Tjodlik said.
A laugh burst from her, surprising her, and she ruffled Eian’s curls. “He’s very special.”
“You will need a box for those.”
Kaemada nodded and picked out a small wooden box that reminded her of home while Tjodlik paid the relieved shopkeeper. As Kaemada followed Tjodlik out of the store, she thanked him profusely for his help.
Tjodlik smiled at her. “I wish you and your friends all the best of luck. It would be a shame to lose this opportunity to once more learn from each other.”
JAETAN-DEITAE
Chapter Twenty-four
What can we do about the Outsiders? They trample through our City and then depend upon our charity for healing. The common people are beginning to support them, no doubt stirred up by that troublemaker, Lady Dode. We should seal up the entrances and bar Scouts from the Outside to prevent further encounters. The cost alone makes me shudder.
-personal letter in the City of Codr
“Why will she not just say what’s wrong?” Taunos grumbled.
Kaemada’s secrecy over her injuries had been needling him ever since she’d found them again. He’d missed her, grieved for her. And now, impossibly, he had her back, alive. Except she wouldn’t allow him to help.
Takiyah snorted, reaching into the machine to twist something. “She does not tell you a lot of things.”
“She should not have to carry this alone. Isn’t that why there’s a kaetal?”
“We cannot help if she does not let us. You know that. But at least we’re here.” There was a slight edge to the last word.
His shoulders tensed. He’d travelled a lot, yes, by necessity. And by necessity, he’d never explained his absences. But being away from the kaetal didn’t mean he didn’t care. “I’m only away trying to keep you and the rest of the kaetal safe.”
“Well, it obviously isn’t working,” Takiyah returned, green eyes flashing.
“You do not know—I’m trying—I know I have done much good.” He raked his hand over his head, frustrated that he couldn’t tell her. Not even now.
“And you do not know you could not do more good at home.” She frowned. “Taunos… Are you running?”
“How can you ask me that?” Taunos struggled to his feet. Of all people, Takiyah was implying he was a coward?
“Alright, that’s enough, both of you,” Elisabei snapped. “Back in bed with you. And back to your work. Stop talking to each other. There has been enough pain and suffering without you two poking at each other with big sticks disguised as words.”
Taunos scrutinized Kaemada as she trailed back into the Hall behind Tjodlik and an exuberant Eian. Exhaustion dragged at her features, and she slid down the wall to the floor, closing her eyes. The wooden box she carried lay to one side of her. Had anything on wrong out there? Why did she look so worn? Frustration rose like a tide in him. He wasn’t in any shape to have watched over her like he should have.
Stifling a groan, Taunos hobbled over and sank down next to her. His injuries burned, protesting the movement. With a wince, he held his side until he
was settled. This was important. Something terrible had happened while he’d been a captive, and he hadn’t been there for her. His heart ached that he still couldn’t be there for her, that she kept pushing him away.
“Elisabei will not be happy you’re out of bed,” Kaemada said.
A snort broke from him. “Ah, yes, I have been so concerned about her happiness with me.”
The corners of her mouth tugged upward.
Heartened, he plunged ahead, keeping his tone casual as if he’d just returned from any journey. “What have you been doing the last six moons?”
Her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. He sought calm composure, steadying his breathing. For so long, he had kept the worst details of his journeys from her, cherishing her undying optimism. She was the starlight in the darkness the realms inflicted on him, and someone had dimmed her brightness. Stretching out the more injured of his legs, he rubbed at the bandaging. When he glanced back, Kaemada was watching him.
He raised his eyebrows. “Shall I go first?”
She dropped her gaze, and so he began, playing up his exploits and the few good times while glossing over as much of the bad as possible. It was easy, the typical way he related his adventures to her, although this particular one carried more creative license than most of his other adventures. When he ended, she gave him a frank look, clearly seeing through his fabrications.
“I never meant for you to get hurt,” she whispered. “Any of you. Ameyitum. Saiameyitum.”
Taunos put a grin on his face. “Ah, cha’atanahn, if you take all the blame, what will the rest of us have? Please share.”
A smile pulled at her mouth, and his grin became real.
The smile faded as her summer blue eyes, now dark and troubled, avoided his gaze. “I do not want to talk about it because that would make it real. Would make me face it. And I do not want to. But my dreams torment me, anyway. Whatever I wish, it was real.”
Taunos nodded, unraveling a bit of bandaging on his leg so he could braid it. Elisabei would no doubt have strong words for him later, but it was worth it. What he was seeing in his sister’s responses… too much attention would shut her down again.
She spoke, in whispers almost too quiet for him to hear and in louder tones quaking with outrage, of the City of the Lost. Careful to keep his attention on the braiding, he shoved down the pain and rage her story stirred in him.
“I was angry at you for a long time,” she said. “Ameyitum. I did not realize… Every choice I made revealed more danger. When you tell your stories, there’s a thrill in your voice, an eagerness to overcome such insurmountable odds. But me… I felt only fear and my unworthiness.”
That was ridiculous. “You’re not unworthy.”
“I am—I always have been. For so long, I have tried to avoid shaming you. I drag Ra’ael and Takiyah down with my weaknesses, and you too.”
Where was this coming from? How long had she thought like this, that she was somehow weak? Did she have no idea of her own strength? “Never, Kaemada. You never shame me.”
“I could not even deal with Tikatae on my own. How was I supposed to face something like the City of the Lost?”
“Kaemada, listen to me. You were the only one who saw good in Tikatae. It matters not that I never saw it. You did, and I love you for that.”
“Tikatae—I could see—I wish you understood,” she floundered. “And I saw the same in Theron.”
“I do not need to understand. I know. You see beauty where others see only filth. Your strength is shared with those you love. Your heart gets you in trouble, but I hope it always stays so big.”
“I’m your weakness.” She turned to him, her eyes flashing. “Even now, you never think of the trouble I have caused.”
“You are not weak.”
“You see? I’m a blind spot for you, one place in the realms where you can see no wrong.”
“And what’s so bad about that?” he demanded.
“Because of me, Eian experienced things no child ever should. What if I have damaged him?”
He shook his head, unable to keep quiet. “You have taken Eian into the wilderness on many occasions. Every Rinaryn mother does. The mountains are perilous, but he’s not the first child to be lost, even when there is a kaetal watching. You had no way of knowing he would enter the mountain.”
“I killed a man.” It was a whisper, tears shimmering in her eyes. “I have killed before. Darks. But this—he wasn’tt physically attacking me. I killed him for crimes he hadn’t committed yet.”
“Your lives were in danger. That was the king’s doing, and as far as I’m concerned, you were right to do it.”
Anguish filled Kaemada’s voice. “I have caused too much suffering, seen too much. The psions in the City were murdered because I revealed who they were. Tannevar…”
The need to fix it, to end her pain, drove him to interrupt her. “Cha’atanahn, listen. Life is full of hard choices. The living is in making them to the best of our ability. Sometimes we choose right, sometimes we choose wrong. We make the best choices we can at any point in time. The rest is up to Eloí.”
Tremors wracked her small frame. “I feel like I’m pretending to be two people. One is the woman before all this, the woman who shuts out all the injuries and pretends that everything is normal, that everything can be happy again. The other is shattered, broken shards lying scattered on the ground, and nothing can ever fix her.”
“A broken pot, once mended, carries the story and love of the mending,” Taunos reminded her.
Fury burst from her with startling ferocity. “But I’m not mended, and no one can ever mend me.”
He dropped the half-braided bandaging. Where was this anger coming from? He’d always protected her, even from harsh reality. The scene reframed for him. Perhaps that was the problem. He’d complained that his people lifted him up too high, never realizing he did the same to his sister. Here he was, soothing her hurts, wiping them away. Again. His sister felt weak and was trying very hard to appear strong, while he always expected her to be there with a smile for him. It turned her brittle.
He’d always altered his stories to protect her even from that danger. He didn’t do that with his beloved. Oh, he altered his stories, yes, but not to protect her. He respected her too much for that. Did he afford his sister the same respect?
“Kaemada—”
“How can one broken pot fix another? I’m not yours to save.”
Taunos winced. “I’m sorry, little sister.”
She shook her head. “Ameyitum. I should have told you sooner. It’s too easy to lean on you. It’s not fair to you.”
Biting back the pain, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gently drew her close.
Kaemada stiffened, pulling away. “I do not want to hurt you.”
“Nor do I ever want to hurt you again. I do not like seeing you in pain. I never realized how you saw it.”
She relaxed, pillowing her head on his shoulder. Her tears wet his shirt, but his tension eased as he held her. He smiled a bit—she’d done that on purpose, no doubt. Offering peace after her words. She was right; she didn’t need him to save her. She just needed him there. None of them would ever be the same, but that was alright. His family was alive. This was why he risked all travelling the realms. This was what was important.
~
Answer fumed as she strode through the streets. Her meeting with the leader of her section of Scouts had been a disaster. He’d dismissed her project proposal—a system to catalog all the new steam-powered machinery—out of hand, with barely any consideration.
“Really, Answer,” he had said. “Are you a Philosopher, to archive and debate, or are you a Scout? Come back with a more appropriate idea, should you have one.”
The snub resulted from the Running of the Ebrs; she was sure of it. Why trust her with anything? She’d lost control of her ebr, and as a result, the reputation of the Scouts was being smeared. Bluff ran his mouth, spreading the word that she�
�d questioned the Running in the first place, but even that was turned against her as the Scouts closed ranks. Either one was wholly loyal to the Scouts, or one was an enemy.
And now, she had a summons from the Philosopher she least wanted to see. What could Dode possibly want? She had been able to refuse the summons of the Outsider five days ago, but to refuse Dode’s summons would shame her family for bad manners. Here peers already openly mocked her for the events of the past few days. When her parents returned from Glinr, they would undoubtedly be disappointed in her. She didn’t need more shame.
She forced herself to assume a demure smile as she approached the guards standing outside the Hall. There was no need for them to see how upset she was. Words flew all too swiftly. She even gave the guards a little nod as she passed.
Her ebr Taunos was there, no doubt unlearning all she had struggled to teach him now that he was with his own backward kind. Thick bandages padded his legs from his feet all the way to his knees, and the rest of him was more bandage than not. She winced. He had saved her life multiple times. She’d threatened war, and even then he hadn’t really hurt her—only her dignity, being tied up like that. But driven by her own humiliation, she’d nearly allowed him to be killed. Somehow, she’d lost control of events. She’d only meant to stop them, but the mob tore down a chapel, and a priest was dead, and Dode was leading the Philosophers in denouncing the Scouts, and she hadn’t been able to stop the Running, and… She yanked her gaze away from Taunos and her own guilt.
The tall red-haired ebr was also up and about, fiddling with a healing machine. The black-haired ebr lay on a cot, still unconscious and tended to by an Outsider and a Kamalti Doctor. She frowned, but the Justices did want the ebrs to be presentable as soon as possible, and surely the Doctor could keep the Outsider from making mistakes. One way or another, the Outsiders would soon no longer be her problem. Perhaps she could forget this whole thing and get on with her life. Her reputation, and that of the Scouts as a whole, had to still be salvageable, didn’t it?
