by Claire Adams
“I know,” I said, smiling. “I’m actually kind of jealous of all the places that they are getting to see. Where was this postcard from?”
“Greece,” she said. “You can tell because all the buildings are white and the doors are bright blue. They are on the coast, too. It’s somewhere I want to go when I get older. I’m glad Grandpa is having fun, but I want them to come back. I miss Grandma.”
“How did you know about Greece?” I asked.
“We learned it in school,” she said enthusiastically. “Not much though, just some mythology. I thought it was interesting, so I looked it all up when I got home and found out how cool it was there.”
“What else are you doing in school these days?”
“Well,” she said, thinking hard. “We are doing addition and subtraction in math, learning our states in geography, learning about mythology in English, and we started basic sentences in Spanish.”
“Wow,” I said, truly amazed. “I didn’t take Spanish until high school.”
“Yeah, apparently, I have to take it every year until I graduate,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “I’d rather learn French, but I don’t have a choice.”
“You’re in second grade now, right?”
“Yeah, I’m the youngest out of everyone, but I’m pretty sure I’m the smartest,” she said, smiling.
“I would have to say you’re probably right.” I laughed. “I just don’t remember second grade being that intense. I mean, when I was in school, I’m pretty sure second grade was a lot about animals. We put on a play, and I sang in the chorus.”
“Maybe you just can’t remember since it was like, a million years ago,” she said, laughing before she could get it out.
“Very funny,” I said, throwing a piece of bread at her. “Seriously, though, I didn’t even get introduced to homework until I was in the fifth grade.”
“Lucky,” she said, sighing. “I hate homework.”
“You think it’s lucky, but you have to look at it as an opportunity to learn a lot more than I did when I was in school,” I said, trying to curb her hatred for homework. “What are your grades looking like this quarter?”
“All A’s, as usual,” she said proudly.
“That’s great,” I said excitedly. “I know you were having a little bit of an issue there for a while.”
“I feel better, so I am interested in everything again,” she said, smiling. “When you feel down, it’s hard to focus on anything but your feelings. Once I was able to put those to the side, I started to listen to the teachers and understand what I was doing.”
“Well, good,” I said, taking a bite. “I’m really glad to know you are starting to feel better.”
“My new room has really helped a lot, too,” she said. “Working at my desk with my computer really helps me focus. It was really hard staying awake, sitting on the bed after a long day at school, and I knew if I was in the kitchen, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. At least, that’s what happened when I tried before.”
“You do what you are most comfortable with, then,” I said, smiling.
“I really miss having Alissa babysitting me.” She sighed. “I feel like she doesn’t come around barely at all anymore. She must be really busy with everything she has going on in her life. I hope that she doesn’t forget about me.”
“How could anyone forget about you?” I asked, feeling guilty for lying to Kayla. “She is really busy, though. She has a new project where the woman pretty much gave her all the power, so she has been obsessed with that for a while.”
I sat back in my chair and looked down at my spaghetti, hating the fact that I was lying to my little girl. It wasn’t a lie that Alissa had that client, but I wasn’t telling her the whole truth. We still hadn’t brought up the fact that Alissa and I were dating, and it was almost two months later. I wanted to protect my little girl, but at the same time, what kind of message was I sending if I was lying to straight to her face? She deserved to know the truth, and then we could handle anything that came from that. Though I hoped for the best, I wasn’t sure at all how Kayla was going to react to finding out the secret. Either way, I couldn’t hold it back any longer.
“Kayla,” I said, breathing heavily. “I need to tell you something that I’ve been keeping a secret from you for a couple months now. You have to understand that I was trying everything I could to not involve you in all of this stuff with my personal life, but I also can’t sit here and tell lies about something that you need to understand.”
“What is it, Dad?”
I sat there for a second, tapping my fork against my plate. This wasn’t the way I wanted her to find out. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, having to choose between possibly hurting her or continuing to lie to her at every turn. She was at that age where she asked a lot of questions, and I was finding myself further backed into a corner every single time. I took in a deep breath, knowing I just needed to get it out. I hadn’t been this nervous about telling someone something since I had to admit to my parents that I had gotten a bad grade in class. It was almost torture that I had kept it in this long, a pretty impressive streak for a guy that was terrible with secrets.
“Okay,” I said, sighing. “I’m seeing Alissa. We’ve been dating for almost two months now.”
I wasn’t sure if she could really understand the implications of that, but I carefully watched her face, completely shocked at how she was taking the news. She dropped her fork on her plate and balled up her fists, her expression becoming rigid and angry. I had to admit, I knew that she was capable of having all kinds of different reactions to the news, but I was definitely shocked by what she was showing me. I wanted so badly for her to be happy about Alissa and me that I had pushed away any idea that she would be less than thrilled about the concept. I knew it was hard for her to understand, especially since she was 7, and her mother had left her with no explanation or reasoning. Still, she had to know that her mother wasn’t coming back anytime soon, and that I was going to eventually move on with my life. Or maybe she didn’t know that at all.
“How could you?” She stood up and slammed her fists on the table. “You were supposed to make the right choices, and you have been lying to me this whole time. Mother’s Day has come and gone, and you didn’t say anything about it. My mother was supposed to be here, so I could make her breakfast in bed and invite her to the school luncheon. But instead, you are out with Alissa, trying to fill Mom’s place without even talking to me about it. You are the worst, Dad!”
She was screaming, and her little face was turning beet red. I didn’t know what to do, so I put my hand up, trying to get her to calm down. She plopped back down in her chair and folded her arm across her chest, her breathing increasing and her eyes pointed and hateful. I was so confused by what she was so angry about, but as she slowed her breathing, she began to sob uncontrollably, her tears falling into her plate of spaghetti.
“I just don’t understand,” she cried. “She just left me, and she didn’t even say why. She won’t come back, and I can’t fix it. What did I do for her to do this to me? I can be better, be prettier, wear prettier clothes like she likes. I don’t care what I have to do. I just want her to come back and love me again.”
“Baby,” I said quietly, reaching for her hand. “Don’t talk that way. You didn’t do anything wrong. You are perfect in every way. This is not about you. It’s about her, and the problems she has on the inside.”
She pulled her hand away from mine and tucked it in her lap, her head facing down and tears falling into her skirt. She sobbed hard, and I knew that there was not a lot I could do to comfort her. It had been quite a while since she had a breakdown like this, but I didn’t realize that me dating someone else would have that kind of effect on her. I felt terrible, but I knew I needed to just let her get it out of her system. She slowly raised her head and squinted her eyes at me, still crying, and her cheeks bright red.
“And you, you didn’t even try to get Mom back
,” she said angrily. “You just let her leave and haven’t done anything to make her want to come back here. You changed the whole house. Do you think Mom wants to come home to a place she doesn’t recognize? You should have left everything alone because she will come back one day, and you better hope that she forgives you for completely changing everything.”
“Kayla, that isn’t how it works,” I said, trying to defend myself but still calm her down. “I know it’s hard for you to understand, but adults do things that destroy marriages sometimes, and that is what happened. Your mother didn’t just leave you. She left me, too. She just left and didn’t give me any clue as to what I did to deserve it.”
“Then why don’t you find out and fix it?” She was still sobbing so hard, and I had no idea how to help her.
I stood up and walked around the table, pulling Kayla’s seat out and facing her. She cried hard and leaned into my shoulder, letting me comfort her. I wrapped my arms around her and took in a deep breath, wishing I could stop this unbearable pain for her. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Kayla wasn’t ready for me to be seeing anyone else, no matter how much I wanted her to be.
“Would you like it better if I wasn’t seeing Alissa right now?” I whispered into her ear and held my breath, hoping desperately that she wouldn’t say yes.
“Mhmm,” she sniffled, wiping the tears from her face with her sleeve.
“All right,” I sighed, pulling her back in for a hug.
I didn’t want to break it off with Alissa. She was the most wonderful thing that had happened to me in a long time, but I knew Kayla had to come first. It was a terrible feeling, knowing that no matter what choice I made, I was going to hurt someone I cared for deeply. This was just another thing that I could add to the list of reasons I hated my ex-wife.
Chapter Twenty
Alissa
I flipped through the pages of my notebook, scribbling notes in every corner that I could. I was at the home office, going through my notes on a new commercial client that I had booked. I really wanted to be with Ryan and Kayla since he invited me over for dinner with them, but I knew they needed some good father/daughter time together, and I needed to get a jumpstart on this new project. Still, no matter how responsible I was being, it didn’t help me stay focused on the task at hand. For some reason, I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just couldn’t shake. It was probably just the fact that I should be focused on my work, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan and Kayla and how I missed them both very much. I barely got to see Kayla anymore, between Ryan and me dating and my new workload.
This client, though, was the most amazing client I’d ever landed. This was a woman opening a high-end boutique in downtown Phoenix. She wanted everything to be done in an artistic manner, but not eclectic. She wanted high-fashion, luxury, and her budget was huge. On top of all of that, this client was willing to give me almost complete creative carte blanche, which was pretty much unheard of in this business. It was a really rare artistic and authentic experience that most interior designers didn’t see until late in their careers. I had dreamed of having a client like that, and I had snagged her at a design show, which was also pretty much unheard of. I brought samples of all of my best work and set up a station, deciding that it was time for me to try to attract commercial contracts, as well as private ones. The commercial contracts were usually higher-priced and had a better turnaround time than the private clients were. She had come up to my booth, loved my ideas, and had me come sign a contract the next day. It was crazy.
Feeling like I needed a break, I put the notes down and got up from my desk, walking into my kitchen. I grabbed a glass and poured myself some iced tea, glad that I had taken time to get my kitchen back in order before diving into work. I had been so engrossed in my time with Ryan that I pretty much had nothing in the fridge and even less in the cabinets. I was not the kind of girl that liked to eat out all the time, so it was rare and irritating that I had a bachelor’s kitchen going on. Before I walked back into the office, I heard my phone ring from the other room. I walked into the living room and picked it up, smiling as Ryan’s name flew across the screen. He must have finished up with dinner and put Kayla to bed.
I sat down on the couch and crossed my legs underneath me before answering. I liked to be comfortable when I talked to him, because most of the time, we would sit there for over an hour just chatting about life. I pressed the Answer button and pulled the phone to my ear with excitement.
“Hey there, handsome,” I said, smiling.
“Hey,” he said with a slightly monotone voice. “What are you doing?”
“Well, I just took a break from going over the notes for my new client,” I said.
“Oh, yeah, how is that going?”
“Great,” I said happily. “I went by the space today, and it’s like a dream come true. I have so many ideas, but I have to keep myself restrained. I can’t go flying off the handle and just start making samples for her. She gave me artistic freedom, which is insane, and she’s not even going to be in town until after the whole place is done. All she asked was that I send over my markups before I started, just in case there are any glaring issues. I can’t tell if she is nuts for giving me this opportunity or just plain too rich to care. Either way, I’m not wanting to jinx myself. Anyway, how was your day?”
“It was okay,” he said. “Got lots of work done and got all the payroll done for the guys.”
“How was dinner?”
“Well, that is another story,” he said with a sigh. “It’s actually the reason that I’m calling you in the first place.”
“What happened?”
“I told Kayla about us,” he said. “It wasn’t in my plans, but I felt really guilty for lying to her and it just kind of came out.”
I sat there for a moment, running the words over in my mind. I really wanted to be there when he told her so that she could see that I wasn’t a threat, but I also understood what kind of friendship those two had. They were like best pals, and I couldn’t even imagine how hard it had to be for him to continuously lie to her about where he was going, where I was, and how his day went. It was exhausting just thinking about it.
The way he told me, though, it really struck me in my core, and I could feel my nerves starting to bubble up inside of me. His tone of voice was not one that I would expect to hear if he was following that statement up with good news. In fact, his tone of voice was actually kind of terrifying, and I couldn’t even start to imagine what he was going to tell me. How bad could it have been? She was probably upset and didn’t understand, but eventually, she would come around. For some reason, even though I was telling myself that over and over again in my head, I couldn’t seem to believe it.
I was actually kind of pissed at myself for not going over there for dinner. If I had been there, he probably wouldn’t have told her at all. And if he still had told her, at least I could have been there in person to ease her mind. I knew that it had to be really hard for Kayla to imagine her father with anyone other than her mother, but that was something that wasn’t going to go away until she really started to see him with someone else. I took in a deep breath and prepared myself to hear what was coming next. I really just wanted to hang up the phone and pretend that he never called and never approached me with bad news. I knew how important Kayla was to him, and I knew how much he would sacrifice to make sure that she was okay.
“To say that she didn’t take it well would be an understatement,” he said. “There was screaming that I could barely understand, followed by the most horrible sobbing scene I have ever witnessed from my daughter. I don’t want you to take it personally. All she thinks is that her mother is going to come back home, like she is just at the grocery store or something. She has no idea of the reality of the situation. She really does like you. She had just gotten done telling me how she missed you before I told her. It’s all about her and her thoughts and understanding of what it means to be divorced. To her, the piece of pape
r doesn’t matter because she sees the relationship, not the legality of it all. It was heartbreaking.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I said, saddened.
“No, don’t be sorry.” He sighed again. “I’m pretty sure she needed to get that out of her system. She hadn’t cried like that since she was a baby with colic.”
“So where do we go from here?”
“I really don’t know,” he said. “She is so distraught over this. It’s hard to think about anything but making her feel better.”
“I understand, but eventually, she has to learn that it will happen,” I said, trying not sound insensitive.
“I know, and I agree,” he said. “I can’t live my life based on what my daughter thinks is going to happen with her mother. At the same time, though, this was really bad. I really, really have intense feelings for you, Alissa. In fact, I care so deeply for you that it broke my heart knowing that Kayla wasn’t going to accept our relationship, at least not soon. I think that for now, it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I don’t want to make that decision, but I have to do what is best for Kayla. Right now, what is best is being a father that understands what his daughter’s boundaries are and knowing that it will take time for her to understand her mother is not going to be part of this family again.”
I could hear the desperation in his voice, and I knew that he was telling the truth. I knew that this was really difficult for him to do and that he wished there was another option. I wanted to tell him no and fight back against what he was saying, but I also knew that it would make a difficult situation even worse. I could sit there all day and cuss Christina out, but it wouldn’t change a damn thing, except make me even more miserable. I had to be brave, be supportive, and show him that I would be okay, even if I wasn’t sure if I really would be.
“I understand,” I said reassuringly. “You are an amazing father for putting her needs before yours, and I would never want to be the cause of so much pain for Kayla. She is an amazing little girl, and hopefully, one day, when you and she are ready, we can try this again. I know that if she let me in her life, she would really enjoy our time together, just like she has with the decorating and babysitting that I’ve done with her.”
