by Claire Adams
“Girl, he is not going to forget about you.” She chuckled. “But you can’t wait around for him forever. That isn’t fair to you at all.”
I sighed and reached over for the bottle of wine. I poured myself another glass and glanced over to see if Bella needed refilling. At that moment, I realized that my dear, wine-loving sister didn’t even have a glass in front of her. I was so self-absorbed, I forgot to get her one. My mind was in complete disarray, and I wasn’t even able to remember to be a good sister. I felt like such an asshole. I sighed and set the bottle down, looking to the other side of the room to see if there were any empty, clean glasses on the tables around us. There wasn’t a single one.
“I know I can’t wait around,” I said, still looking around the room. “It’s only been a few weeks. I was really hoping that Kayla would calm down a bit and get back to being comfortable with me possibly being a part of their lives again. I honestly don’t think the girl knows the difference between dating and marriage. I feel like she thinks that automatically means I am taking her mother’s place, which is not my intention. No matter how much I hate Christina, she is her mother. I can’t break that, even if I wanted to.”
Bella shook her head and looked back down at her plate, forking her salad and eating quickly. She seemed like she was starving, which was probably why she forgot her glass. Still, the wine was always the thing that we reached for first, before even thinking about the food part of stuff. I didn’t know why I was obsessing about this so much, but it seemed off, and the last thing I wanted right then was more weirdness in my life. I needed her to share a glass of wine with me like we usually did. She always had at least one glass with dinner, if not more, and that did not count the drinks we always got into over dessert.
“Shit, I forgot to get you a glass,” I said, reaching my hand up.
“No,” she said, swallowing and shaking her head. “No, I’m fine. I’m not drinking tonight.”
“What? Don’t be crazy; this is our thing.” I laughed. “I don’t think I have ever seen you turn down a glass of wine.”
“I’m just not feeling like drinking,” she said, shrugging her shoulders and looking down at her almost empty salad plate.
“Wait,” I said, squinting at her. “Something isn’t right. I can feel it. What is going on? Did something happen with you and the hubby? No, that wouldn’t be right, because if that were the case, you would be drinking more than me right now.”
“You are being paranoid.” She laughed nervously. “Can’t a girl enjoy some time with her sister without getting wasted?”
“No.” I laughed. “Spill it. What’s going on?”
“Fine,” she said, putting her fork down and wiping her mouth with a smirk. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?” I got up and smiled, walking around the table and hugging my sister so tightly she groaned while everyone turned around and stared. “Sorry, everyone. This is my lovely sister, and she just told me she is making me an aunt.”
Everyone clapped, and Bella covered her face with her napkin, embarrassed. Then, she uncovered her face and smiled at the people around us. My heart actually felt like it was working for the first time in weeks as I clapped my hands and crossed back over to my seat. I sat down and shook my head, a jovial giggle coming from my chest.
“That is amazing news,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was going to,” she said with a pitiful look. “But then you got here, and you looked tired and sad, and I knew how upset you were about Kayla and Ryan. I didn’t want to interrupt your amazing pouting session with something I could easily tell you later on.”
“Are you kidding me? That is like, the most important news of my life.” I laughed. “I am going to be an aunt, and oh my God, you are going to be a mommy.”
“I know,” she said, smiling. “It is so crazy. He didn’t want me to tell anyone until the doctor gave the okay, just in case something happened, but I couldn’t keep that a secret from you.”
“I feel terrible that I let my weepiness hold you back from such amazing news,” I said, rubbing my cheeks. “Congratulations. That is so amazing, and look at that. My heart is beating again. It’s a miracle baby.”
“See, you just needed some light in your life,” she said, smiling as the food came.
She was right. I did need light in my life, and Ryan was exactly the way I wanted to receive it.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ryan
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t even try to sleep through the tornado that was my daughter. I could hear her downstairs, clinking and clanging in the kitchen. I looked out the window, knowing that it was Father’s Day, and she was trying to do something nice for me. As much as I wanted to make sure she wasn’t making a four-course meal out of flour, I left her alone to do her thing so that we could have a nice morning together. She had been so pleasant lately, and it was really helping me get through these days without Alissa. She was still very heavy on my mind, even after weeks of being apart. Juan’s words were sticking with me, though, and I knew that he was right, even though I couldn’t bring myself to take his advice. I just wasn’t ready to send Kayla back to that dark place where she was before.
As I heard her stumbling through the house and up the stairs, I closed my eyes, wanting to pretend that I was asleep so that she wouldn’t feel like the surprise was ruined. I forced my smile to go away, listening to her struggle through the door carrying a tray, the silverware clanging around everywhere. I felt her set the tray down on the bed and take a deep breath before she walked over to me and kissed me lightly on the cheek. Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked at her.
“Good morning, princess,” I said, faking a yawn.
“Happy Father’s Day,” she exclaimed, grabbing the tray and waiting for me to sit up before setting it on my lap.
She was so cute with her attempt at a breakfast, not that a ham and cheese sandwich with no condiments and a juice box was really breakfast, but I wasn’t going to complain. I smiled up at her and picked up the handmade card that had hearts drawn all over it. I opened it to find that she had written Happy Dad’s Day really big across the middle, and drew a picture of me and her in a field of what I was assuming were roses, but looked more like tiny bleeding heads. I stifled a laugh and opened my arms, hugging her tightly.
“Thank you, baby,” I said.
“I just want you to know how much I love you,” she said with a smile.
“Do you want to split it with me?”
“No, I ate one already.” She laughed. “I thought since no one was here to make you breakfast this year, it was going to have to be my job.”
“And I love it,” I said, biting into the ham and cheese.
We chatted about the day and the weather for quite a while, while I finished my sandwich and drank the juice box in one long sip. Juan’s words were, for some reason, even louder in my head than any other time before. I knew that it was the right time to talk to her about her mother, and I started to steer the conversation in that direction. I didn’t want to hurt her in any way, but I wanted her to understand the truth of the matter, and for some reason, I felt like she was ready to hear it then.
“Sit down next to me,” I said, putting the tray to the side and watching as she crawled into the bed beside me. “I know things have been really tough for you for almost a year, but I want to tell you how proud I am of you that you have pulled yourself out of it. Look, things are more complicated between your mom and I than I can really explain to you. You are only 7, and you won’t fully understand until later. I know that your mother loves you very much. She always has. I can remember the tears she had the first time she held you in the hospital. Sometimes, though, people go through things in their life, and they need some space to figure it out, and I think that is what happened with your mom.”
“Do you think she’s had enough space?”
“That’s what I want to talk to you about,” I said. “I need you to understand that your mot
her and I, we got a divorce. No matter what happens between her and you, her and I will never get back together again. That ship sailed when she left, and there was nothing I could do to change that. I have moved on with my life, and that is important for grown-ups to do.”
I watched as Kayla worked those words over in her mind. I could see the pain in her eyes, but for the first time since Christina left, she nodded her head without a single tear forming. She was taking it relatively well, a lot better than I thought she would. I realized that she was starting to come around and starting to understand what it was going to mean to have a pair of divorced parents. Of course, this was not what was ideal in my mind, but Christina had made her choice, and I was over it. I didn’t want to be angry about it anymore. I knew how important it was to at least try to foster a relationship between Christina and Kayla, and I was going to make sure that it happened.
“How would you feel about spending more time with her?” I asked. “Maybe alternating weekends so you can stay focused in school but still see her a couple times a month. A lot of people do that in situations like ours.”
“I would like that,” she said with a smile that showed she was hopeful that she would see her mother soon.
I loved the fact that she was coming around and starting to understand that the dynamic of our household was different and it wasn’t going to go back to what it was, but her hopefulness scared me. She may be understanding now, but it would gravely affect her if we set up joint custody, and her mother bailed on it like she had so many times before. I knew that it was a possibility that she would be hurt, especially since Christina had only seen Kayla a few times since she ran off with Dale, but I had to give it a chance anyway. I didn’t want her to hurt, but I also didn’t want her to miss out on something special with her mother, whether I liked it or not. This was going to be difficult for me to swallow, especially knowing that if she went to her mother’s, that also meant she would be spending time with Dale, someone I still had a lot of animosity toward. Looking at my little girl, though, I knew I had to let that go.
“Daddy,” Kayla said, turning to me. “I know that this has been hard on you, too. I know that you loved Mommy, and it hurt when she left. I know that she left with Dale, and he was your best friend.”
“How did you know that?” I asked, shocked.
“I figured that since he didn’t come around anymore, that must be where Mommy went,” she said.
“Well, that is what happened, I won’t lie to you,” I said with a sigh. “Adults’ emotions can be tricky sometimes, and we hurt each other, even when we don’t mean to.”
“For a while there, about a month ago, you were really happy,” she said. “You were smiling, joking with me, and acting like you again. I really liked to see you that way, and it really helped me get to where I was feeling better, too. I thought that if you could get over that hurt in your heart, then I could, too. So, I made up my mind that I was going to, and magically, when I woke up the next day, I felt better.”
“Aww, sweetie, I’m so glad,” I said, kissing her forehead.
“But when I told you to stop seeing Alissa, you got sad again, and I don’t want that,” she said with a slight sniffle. “I realized that Alissa was the person that made you happy again, like you made me happy again. Daddy, I’m really sorry for making you get rid of her. I didn’t mean to make you sad again.”
“Sweetie,” I said, pulling her close. “You didn’t make me do anything. I wanted to make sure that you were able to get through this at your own pace, and not be pushed into anything. It is true. Alissa brought me out of my sad place and made the world pretty again for me, but you had a lot to do with that, too. Your smile made me smile, so in a way, we helped each other.”
“I want you to start dating Alissa again,” she said with a sigh. “She is super nice, and pretty, and she always has the nicest things to say to me. I wasn’t always the nicest to her, and I want to be able to apologize to her. I know that she really liked me. Maybe she could start babysitting me again so that she can come around again.”
I squeezed Kayla very tightly, taken aback by how wise she really was. I was shocked that she was able to bring herself to that conclusion, and I realized that she was way more perceptive than I was giving her credit for. She may not fully understand everything, but she understood love and happiness, and she wanted me to have those things, even if it wasn’t with her mother. It was a very big step for her, and I was very surprised at how quickly she had come to that conclusion.
The thought of having Alissa back in our lives made me instantly 10 times as happy as I ever thought I would be before. She was a very important part of my life, and now that Kayla was seeing things clearer, I knew that she would be a very important part of her life as well. The only thing that left a lump in my throat was the fact that I hadn’t spoken to Alissa since I broke things off, and I had no idea if she even still had feelings for me anymore. I couldn’t blame her at all if she had run for the hills and written me out of her life for good.
“I love that,” I said kindly. “It just might be a little more difficult than that, though.”
“I don’t understand,” she said. “She looked so happy with you, too. Why would she not want to come back and be with you?”
“Like I said before, adults’ emotions can be very complicated,” I said, trying to explain. “I think that when I broke up with Alissa, I might have hurt her feelings.”
“So, take her a ham and cheese sandwich, and tell her how sorry you are,” she said with a serious face.
I tried to stifle my laughter, but I just couldn’t. Kayla was so sweet and innocent. Wouldn’t it be amazing if all the problems in life could be fixed by a simple ham and cheese sandwich and a heartfelt apology? We would probably have a ham and cheese shortage in this country, since as adults, we seemed to do things to each other on a regular basis that warranted that kind of action.
“Will you at least try?” she asked.
“Of course, I will,” I said, smiling. “I promise I will do everything I can to get her back.”
This time, that was not an empty promise. I would just have to figure out how to find the courage to do so.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Alissa
My palms were sweaty, my head was swimming, and I hadn’t been this nervous since my debut in the school play in the third grade. I woke up with the feeling that I just had to talk to Ryan. I had to go to him and tell him exactly how I felt. I didn’t know, after weeks of moping, where the gumption came from, but I had a dream about Kayla and me at a baseball game, and I just knew that it was the right thing to do. I drove down the street and turned into the large complex on the right. As I slowly passed the doors, I finally found Ryan’s company logo on the door, and I stopped the car. The next move would be to get out. I kept telling myself that, but it seemed that my legs were not connecting with my brain at the moment.
I pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror, realizing that sweat was beading up on my forehead, clumping the makeup that I had meticulously applied that morning. I shook my head and pulled out my compact, pausing as I stared into my own eyes in the mirror. I started to second-guess myself, but I was already there, sitting in my car on the curb by his office. I looked over at the door, having never actually been to his office before. In fact, I had no idea if he would even be in there since he worked out in the field so often, but I didn’t know where else to go at that point.
My sister’s words were flowing through my head, reminding me that it was okay to be a little selfish every once in a while, and that if I felt this way about Ryan weeks later, I needed to fight for him. I decided before I even got out of bed that I wasn’t going to give up, even though I understood how he felt about Kayla. It was worth it to me. He and Kayla were worth it to me to stand up for what I really thought was right. I wanted to be in their lives, and I wanted to have Ryan by my side, even if it meant Kayla being angry for a while.
I sighed and loo
ked back in the mirror, wiping the eyeliner from under my eyes and putting powder on my face. I was fighting with myself internally, trying to decide whether I was actually going to even go into the office or not. I kept asking myself what the point was if he wasn’t even there. If I gathered the courage to go inside and he was out in the field, I was afraid that I would never build that courage back up again, and it would be lost, destined to float around the empty parking lot. I stared at myself hard in the mirror, clenching my jaw and telling myself to get it together and stop being a wimp. I was literally sitting in the parking lot, giving myself a pep talk to walk into a building and talk to the man I loved. I was pretty sure I was starting to lose my mind. I closed my eyes for a moment and then jumped, screaming slightly at the sound of a loud bang on the passenger side window. I looked over to see Ryan standing there, looking at me with confusion. I fumbled with the locks and watched as he opened the door and climbed into the passenger seat.
He climbed in and looked out the front of the car, to the side at his door, and then back at me. I could tell he was really confused as to why I was sitting in front of his office, talking to myself, and I could feel my cheeks immediately begin to blush. My mind was running a million miles a minute, and all I wanted to do was push him out of the car and make a run for it, leaving everything behind me and crawling back into my house. That wasn’t possible, though, and I knew that I was going to have to go through with it. I no longer had a choice, and there was no good excuse as to why I would be in an industrial park in front of his office. He turned and lifted his eyebrows, smiling his charming smile at me as I melted into the driver seat.
“It’s good to see you,” he said happily. “But, uh, what are you doing here, and why are you just sitting outside of the office?”
Oh God, get it together, Alissa. Open your mouth and just say it.
“I, um, well, I was talking to my sister over dinner,” I said nervously. “Did you know she was pregnant? No, you probably didn’t know that. Anyway, she told me that it was okay to be selfish sometimes, and she told me I needed to fight you. Well, not fight you, like, pow, but like fight for you. She said that selfish people were the happy ones. No, that’s not what she said. That doesn’t make any sense at all, does it?”
