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But because this is Mac in my arms, and I can’t seem to stop where she’s concerned, she has to know that I’m going all the way.
When I get the bottom of her dress around her waist, I stick the tips of my fingers under the lace against her hipbone. Just as I’m getting ready to dive in, Mac jerks in my arms and steps away from me.
Pushing her dress back down, she turns on me and asks, “Wait… what are you doing?”
“Trying to get under your skirt,” I growl and advance on her, my hands reaching back out to move that offensive material out of my way. I’m thinking we’d both be well served if I can drop down to my knees in front of and get her off with my tongue first. It’s been far too long in my opinion.
But Mac apparently has other thoughts and holds her hands out, palms up. “Hold it, mister. We can’t just keep ha**ng s*x in your law firm. We’re going to get caught. ”
I give her my best, most devilish grin… one that I know is sexy and practically irresistible. My hand snakes out fast and grips the back of her head. “That makes it all the more exciting, don’t you think?”
I don’t wait for a response but bring my hand up and palm her breast through her dress, lightly squeezing and watching as Mac’s eyes dilate and she sucks in air through her teeth. Damn, she’s so f**king sexy and I definitely need to get my tongue between her legs like right now.
Just as I start to reach for her dress again, Mac gives a slight shake of her head and steps back away from me. She smiles at me, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Sorry, baby… no can do. You’ll just have to wait. ”
No, no, no, no.
Mac simply doesn’t refuse me. It’s unheard of… an impossibility. Disappointment courses through me, and something dark starts to swirl in my stomach. She watches me with wary eyes, and I have to resist the urge to grab her and pull her to me.
And, f**k yeah, I’m mad. I’m f**king vibrating with need to be with Mac, and she’s shutting me down. She’s taking away that small measure of peace that comes when I’m able to get lost inside of her.
But I’ll never let her know she has that type of pull on me, because frankly… I don’t want her to have that type of pull on me. So I give her a smile and say with utter nonchalance, “No worries. I have a meeting I need to get ready for anyway. ”
I turn away from Mac and head to my desk, intent on getting back to work.
“Are you mad at me because I said ‘no’?” she asks, her voice unsure… hesitant… fearful.
Turning back to her, I give her my most surprised look I can muster. “God, no. You can say no any time you want to me. I’m a little disappointed, but trust me… I’ll get over it and try again with you. ”
Her eyes pin me for a moment, not fully accepting what I’m saying right away. We engage in a staring war, and I don’t let go. I’m not sure what it says about me that I’m able to hold a straight, poker face while blatantly lying to her… because yeah, I’m pissed I can’t have her.
Mac stares at me a moment more, and then gives me a delicate smile. “Okay, then. I’ll see you later tonight. ” She walks out of my office without a backward glance.
That’s right… I told Mac last night, just after I f**ked her against the wall of her office, that we’d do something together this evening. A mix of emotions wars within me, wanting desperately to be with her tonight, and yet feeling the need to continue putting distance between us. Especially since it’s crystal clear by that little exchange… Mac’s denial to me f**king hurt and then pissed me off. If she’s still making me feel those range of emotions, it means I’m probably still sucked in deep with her, and that makes me feel uncomfortable and out of control.
Sitting down at my desk, I flip lazily through emails when one from Rob Gendhard catches my eye. It’s an invitation for a “boy’s night out” tonight. They often invite me out, and I rarely go, because hanging out in a bar and getting drunk isn’t usually my thing. Unless I’m pining over Mac, and in this instance, I’m definitely pining for simpler times with Mac.
Before I can talk myself out of it, before I can fully appreciate how much this is going to hurt Mac, I shoot off a quick response to him to count me in.
The rest of the afternoon, I try to concentrate on work, but I can’t. My stomach burns in shame over what I’m getting ready to do, and I’m dreading the look I’ll get from Mac when I do it.
Just before seven PM, I look up and Mac is standing in my office doorway, her briefcase satchel slung over her shoulder. She gives me a bright smile on her face that f**king causes my heart to contract uncomfortably.
“Hey you,” I say softly. “I was just getting ready to come down to your office, so it looks like you saved me a trip. ”
I wasn’t really getting ready to go down to her office. I was procrastinating and avoiding, but she doesn’t need to know that.
Her voice is soft, husky, and her eyes warm. “So, what do you want to do tonight?”
My stomach cramps painfully and guilt is practically oozing out of my pores. “Um… actually, I was on my way down to your office to tell you that I’m going out with some of the guys to get some drinks. ”
I try not to cringe when I see Mac’s face fall… her mouth turn downward… hurt fill her eyes. I almost blurt out that I was just kidding, just so I don’t have to see that pain.
But I don’t. I stick to my guns because my gut is telling me that this needs to be done. That for all of the insecurities I’ve been feeling this last week, for the raging need I still have for Mac, yet the inability to reciprocate what she desires, my gut is telling me… Make the break.
While I’m not quite ready to listen to my gut and make a clean break, I do need to break our current path and reset things.
Mac isn’t quite ready to give up on me yet. “Oh… okay. Well, do you want to come over to my place after?”
Yeah… she’s not ready to roll over and capitulate, and my f**king fickle heart actually sighs in relief. But I tamp that down, tell my heart to grow a pair of hairy balls, and to man up. “I’m sorry, Mac… but this is kind of one of those nights that I’ll probably be out all night with the boys. ”
“The boys?” she asks blankly, and even I know how f**king stupid that sounded. I don’t have “boys”, a “posse”, or even a group of casual acquaintances.
Still, I go in all the way with my story. “The boys. You know, Rob, Mike, and Joey from litigation, and Sam in estates. And I think that new guy… Bill’s paralegal is going. The boys. ”
“But you never go out with the boys,” she says in confusion.
“Sure I do. ”
“No, Matt… you don’t,” she says with just a tinge of anger in her voice. “You even told me once that you couldn’t stand being around a bunch of drunk guys acting like morons. ”
Fuck… she knows me too well.
Giving her my best henpecked look, I grumble, “Look, Mac… if you don’t want me to go, I won’t. ”
She takes a deep breath in and lets it out in resignation. “It’s not that I don’t want you to go. I do want you to go out and have fun. It’s just… I haven’t seen you in a while, and I miss you is all. ”
Smiling at her, I say, “I know,” and then I hastily look away because that painful look is back on her face. I’m killing her by not telling her how much I miss her too. It’s killing me to know that I’m hurting her, yet I push forward, because my conscience is telling me that this is the best thing for me.
To go back to those simpler times.
I lean over and pick up my briefcase, intent on going out with Rob and “the boys” for one drink, then my ass is going home where I can sulk.
Just as I reach out to open my door, Mac says, “Are you doing this to punish me for not ha**ng s*x with you today in your office?”
I don’t have to fake the startled look on my face because I would never punish Mac for not ha**ng s*x with me.
Eve
r.
“Absolutely not,” I tell her with conviction.
“You’re sure?” she asks as she takes a step toward me. “Because you looked a little peeved at me when I said no. ”
Reaching out, I pick up a lock of her hair from her shoulder and rub it between my fingers. I memorize the color, the silky feel… I inhale and memorize the scent. Sadness overwhelms me because I’m really not sure what in the f**k I’m doing, but this may be the last time I’m able to touch her. I guess my hope of hopes is that Mac will sort of work with me on this, ease with me back into more of our original roles of more of a sex-only relationship. While deep down, I tell myself Mac doesn’t have it in her to go backward, it doesn’t stop me from hoping.
Not going to stop me from trying.
Dropping her hair, I look up into her eyes. “Don’t fool yourself, Mac. If I really wanted to, I could have gotten you to change your mind today. So you see… there’s nothing to be mad about. ”
Mac’s eyes get shiny with tears but she hastily blinks them away, giving me a small nod of acquiescence. However, I don’t miss that there is a little bit of resignation in her look as she comes to the realization that yes, things have changed between us.
Most of all though, I see a woman who told me she loved me, and is probably realizing at this moment that I don’t have the capacity to return it. It’s f**king tearing me up to see that look on her face, and I blurt out in desperation to try and ease her pain. “I promise… tomorrow you and I will do something special, okay?”
She blinks hard again and gives me a nod. I don’t think she trusts herself to speak.
I can’t bear to look at her sorrow a minute more, so I lean over and give her a quick kiss, then practically run away from Mac and all the terrible emotions swimming through me right now.
Chapter 32
A knock on my office door has my head snapping up. I see Rob standing there, waiting for an invitation. I don’t feel like talking to him… anyone for that matter, but I wave him on in.
“What’s up?” I ask as he walks up to my desk and takes a seat opposite of me.
“Just seeing how you’re feeling today?” he says with a shit-eating grin on his face. He was one of my “drinking buddies” last night.
“I’m feeling fine. ”
And I am. I only stayed for a few hours, making it back to my apartment by eleven PM and sporting a good buzz. But it was nothing chugging a few glasses of water before I went to sleep didn’t take care of. I woke up this morning without a hangover but almost wishing I did.
Because I’m feeling all kinds of shitty about the way things went down with Mac last night.
“I’m about ready to puke,” Rob says with a laugh. “We didn’t leave until the bartender kicked us out at closing time. Man… fucking Kylie can put some alcohol away, right?”
I give a half laugh, half nod of my head, because yeah… she was slamming her drinks last night. I was not happy to see her when she walked in though, Rob leaning over toward me saying, “Hope you don’t mind. I invited Kylie. ”
Fuck yeah, I minded.
I minded because I told Mac this was a guy’s night out and while I might be lying through my f**king teeth when it comes to my own feelings, at least when I told her it was a guy’s night out that was the truth. On top of that, now I was going to have to spend my evening dodging Kylie’s advances when what I really wanted to do was mope and drink scotch.
“Man… she was dancing on top of the tables after you left,” Rob says, and I shake my head because I had tuned him out. I don’t want to hear this shit, mainly because I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about him or Kylie.
Confessions of a Litigation God Page 43
