by Kahlen Aymes
My fingers toyed with the drink and finally I took a sip. Ugh! It was so cloyingly sweet it almost made me gag. I tried not to make a face, pulled the cherry out of the glass and started fiddling with it. Ryan’s hand closed over my knee under the table in silent plea for me to end this charade.
“Believe me; I know how brilliant Ryan is.” I pulled the fruit off the stem with my teeth and chewed.
Her eyes flashed in silent challenge. “So um…what is it that you do, Julia? I don’t think Ryan has ever mentioned it.”
Okay, honey, if that’s how you want to play it.
“That’s not true. I talk about Julia all the time,” Ryan’s irritation seeped through the words. I laced my hand through his under the table. His fingers were warm around mine and he squeezed gently.
“It’s okay, honey. I knew what she meant.” Oh, did I. I smiled at them both and then turned my attention toward Liza. “I’m Fashion Editor at Vogue Magazine. It’s one of the Condé Nast publications. My office is in New York City.”
“Really…” she murmured. It wasn’t really a question. “What do you do exactly?”
“Liza, didn’t you come with someone?” Ryan interrupted rudely and I almost laughed. “Shouldn’t you go find them?”
“Thanks for your concern, Ryan, but I’m fine,” she hissed at him. “I’m very interested in learning more about Julia.”
“Well, I’m very interested in spending time alone with her,” he muttered under his breath.
Jenna and Aaron returned and when Jen reached for her drink. She stood back and wrinkled her nose, her face twisting up as she nodded toward Liza from behind her chair. Aaron mouthed the words “What the fuck?” at Ryan, who simply screwed up his expression and shook his head.
I put the cherry stem in my mouth and sucked on it during the exchange, whirling it around my mouth and in between my teeth until I had it in a knot. I took it out and closed my hand over it.
“Mmm, well, I hire the talent; design the storyboards and the look of all the articles. Approve content, schedule photo shoots, scout clothing. I work with advertising to solicit appropriate sponsors for various features and for charity events.” I rattled off everything nonchalantly.
I glanced in Ryan’s direction, still holding his hand. “Don’t forget the modeling…” he murmured his eyes flying to challenge Liza.
I shrugged. “Yeah, that.”
Liza didn’t move and my eyes moved to Ryan. I held up the perfect little knot I’d made in the stem with my tongue and then placed it in Ryan’s hand. “Apparently, I’m multi-talented, hmm?” I raised my eyebrows suggestively and he laughed. Aaron broke out in a loud chuckle and Jenna smirked over her glass.
“Uh, listen Lizzy…Your ass is in my seat,” Jen pointed out, waiting for the other girl to vacate.
“Liza, it was nice to finally meet you.”
“Yes, it’s a shame we didn’t before. Didn’t you ever come to Boston in all this time?”
Ryan looked annoyed by the questions. “All the time, but I never let her out of bed. We had better things to do than socialize.” He dismissed her and pulled me up by our entwined hands. “Let’s dance. If I don’t get my arms around you in thirty seconds, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”
A soft song was playing. I was content to lose myself in his arms, feeling him close, heat flowing between us. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, sweetheart,” he said seriously and brushed a soft kiss on my mouth. Instantly my face rose up to meet his. I wanted more…
I shook my head. “It’s nothing. Thank you for making sure she knew about me.”
“She hasn’t listened, but now, maybe seeing how beautiful you are…and how much I love you, she’ll finally disappear.” His hands fisted in the back of my shirt, and I could feel his trimmed nails raking over my skin through the thin material. Goose bumps flooded the exposed skin of my arms. “You are all that exists for me, and as long as you know that, the rest of the world can go straight to hell,” he groaned right before his tongue slid into my mouth. His words melted me, his touch burned me, and his mouth…devoured me. Still I wanted more and I opened my mouth and kissed him back until our breathing was erratic and he finally pulled back, brushing the back of his knuckles along my cheekbone as the song ended.
“Julia, you’ll be the death of me.”
“Take me home, Ryan.” It sounded like I was begging. “Will you hold me tonight? I want to feel you.”
“Oh, babe.” His voice was thick as he rested his forehead against mine. “Yes. I never want to stop touching you.”
Somehow, I had to convince this man to make love to me. Tonight, I would be happy with this small step. He was talking and he was touching…and the glorious kissing. I’d take what I could get and be grateful.
But soon…I was going to feel his hands on my naked flesh, his body embedded within mine, hear my name on his lips as he came inside me. Oh God. It had to happen or I would spontaneously combust.
Chapter 9
RYAN~
“The only memories I ever get are when I’m with you,” Julia implored, her hand running lightly from my forearm down to my hand and back again.
My God. It was getting impossible. I could barely keep my hands off of her, especially when she was all warm and giving. I could see the want in her eyes, but was terrified of what would happen if I gave in to what we both wanted. The last time had such consequences. Those damn nightmares.
I was still terrified of the repercussions. I’d even resorted to calling Spencer and he agreed, her mind could shut down even more, and we could lose all the progress we’d already made. Even though his ulterior motives were clear, logically, I believed he was right. She could withdraw and worse, hate me. I couldn’t live with that.
The apartment was dark and we were lying on the couch all wrapped up in each other. By some miracle, I’d managed to keep from making love to her, but it was killing me. We talked a little, but mostly we just held each other. I leaned in and nuzzled the back of her neck, her silken hair that always smelled so wonderful, fell around my face. Kissing the skin at the side of her neck, my lips moved up near her ear.
“I know, baby. We’re spending more time together now. You’ll remember soon.”
She arched into me, her head coming to rest on my shoulder and her little ass pressing into my groin as we spooned on the couch. My body quickened and I tightened my arms around her. I’d have to extricate myself from this situation or something was going to happen. Aaron and Jen were working and it was early evening on Sunday night. I had a shitload of work to do, but all I wanted was to hold her. Touching her more, it was getting ridiculous how much I never wanted to stop.
Julia reached for her iPod on the coffee table and I reluctantly released her, giving me the time I needed to get the throbbing under control.
“What are you doing?” I asked softly.
She unwound the headphones and then turned toward me. I lay back and her head came to rest on my arm, facing me, her leg nudging between my knees. I pulled her forward to keep her from falling off the edge.
“I want to share something with you. Will you listen with me?” Her dark eyes dug into mine and I nodded then captured her open mouth with my own. The kiss was gentle, soft and succulent. I inhaled as it ended and laced my fingers through her hair.
“Yes.”
Sharing the ear buds, the soft strains started and her hand came up to my face. “Listen to the words, Ryan. To what they mean…”
She sang softly with the song. Words about faith and footprints on the past, honesty and inevitable roads leading out of the dark and back to one person, rocked me to the core. She was sending me a message. That all paths lead to each other and there was no other choice. We stared into each other’s eyes, fingers stroking, bodies entwined. It was paradise. I never wanted to move for the rest of my life. My heart constricted at how amazing she was. She was the most beautiful person, the most beautiful soul, I had ever known.
“
Julia…” I breathed.
“Shhh…listen,”
Thud. My heart dropped.
Stop looking back, Ryan, her eyes implored. Believe in us. Now.
My eyes blurred and her fingers on my jaw tightened before her moist breath rushed over my face and her open mouth settled softly on mine; coaxing my response. My heart ached from the poignancy of the moment; the song was perfect and I wanted nothing more than to give in to the want…to the mad love.
Always such mad, mad love. Nothing changed it. Not years apart, not the stress or other people, not the loss of our past. I was touched in a place only Julia had ever been.
By the end of the song, I had her beneath me, kissing her forcefully; Julia’s glorious response deepening the kiss, our tongues mating and our mouths sucking on each other in a delicious dance of give and take. God, it was amazing and I felt like I’d die if I didn’t have her. She clutched at the back of my head, her fingers tugging on my hair to bring my mouth closer as her body surged up into mine. I wanted kiss after kiss and to rip the clothes from her body right then and there. I grabbed the iPod and the earphones that had fallen between us and threw them aside, my hand itching to close around her full breast and feel her nipple harden under my fingers.
“Uhnnggg…” I groaned into the side of her neck as my arms drew her closer and tried to hold her still. We were both breathing hard, practically panting in unison. I closed my eyes and held on tight. “Julia, you know how much I love you, don’t you?”
Her frantic, passionate movements stopped and she looked into my face.
“You’re doing it again, aren’t you?” she whispered brokenly. “Why?”
The pain in her eyes made it difficult to meet them and I pressed my forehead into the side of her face. “Because,” I rasped out, “I have work to do and if we start this…” It was only partially true. Yes, I had work, but nothing was more important than touching her.
“Why are you doing this to us?” Her voice hardened and my heart broke, not meaning to add my misery to all she was dealing with.
I struggled to sit up and moved to the floor next to the couch, so I could look into her face. “We will deal with this, my love. The time is coming where we’ll have no choice, but I have so much work and I will not be able to get my head in the game if we crack this open right now. You’re all I think about as it is.” Somehow I got the words out past the huge, swollen lump in my throat.
Her face fell but she nodded silently.
Fucking hell! I ripped myself away, softly cupping her chin and brushing my thumb across it before beginning the walk down the hall. Every step split me open further and I started to shake.
“Ryan…” she began but I kept going, throwing words over my shoulder.
“I really need to get to work, Julia. We’ll talk later, I promise.” My voice was trembling on each word and I prayed she couldn’t see how upset I really was.
“Ugh!” she moaned in frustration, throwing herself back down to the cushions and hitting the back of the couch with a fisted hand. “Goddamn it!”
I left her on the couch and rushed into my room on the pretense of studying, but how in the hell I was going to concentrate was beyond me. The five weeks until graduation loomed in front of me like years. I fell onto my bed and put my hand over my eyes.
I was miserable and my heart was breaking all over again. Julia was here and right in front of me, yet I couldn’t talk to her, touch her, and make love to her like I wanted, like my heart and body were screaming to do. I was drowning and nothing could save me. Except Julia.
For the first time since her accident, I let myself feel my own pain, pushing it down wasn’t possible anymore. Frustration, sadness and want overwhelmed me like never before.
I’d lost my entire world and as hard as I tried to resist, I wanted to tell her the truth. What good will telling her do if she can’t remember the feelings behind all the time we’d spent together? That part tortured me.
I was getting weaker with each passing day, needing her more and more. I needed her to remember us, to remember me. The loss was beyond anything I’d ever experienced. The only thing worse was the fear and helplessness I’d felt when she was fighting for her life or when I found out about the baby. I still carried that anguish around in my chest and as much as I wanted Julia’s memory back, I knew what experiencing that loss would do to her.
All of those times when we left each other and said the words, “Don’t forget to remember me,” flooded my aching head and heart.
Could it get any more fucking ironic?!
I felt myself breaking…crumbling, clutching and pulling on my shirt as if I could pull the pain out of my chest.
Julia was starting to see my pain and she gravitated toward me. She wanted to get us back to the place we were after the midnight session on the piano bench, but didn’t know how. It hurt her too, which only compounded the guilt I felt. Each time she asked me to tell her, with those beautiful, imploring eyes…I wanted to, more and more. I yearned for her to know, but I needed her to feel and she couldn’t do that if she didn’t remember on her own. The memories would be hollow without the love behind them. It was killing me.
I sighed brokenly; the air shattering my lungs. I rolled onto my side as my throat thickened, eyes welling with tears. I fisted my hands in the covers and pushed my face into the pillow so she wouldn’t hear in case the screams in my chest could not be contained. Tears rained down my face and the sobs I’d been holding in since Julia came home from the hospital, shook my shoulders violently. My heart was exploding, my lungs constricting. I was gasping for breath and there was not one damn thing that I could do about it. I let the sadness wash over me and just cried those painful, silent sobs that rock you so hard there is no sound except the deep rasps when you finally have to breathe. I felt more helpless than I’d ever been in my life as my body shook with pain.
Motherfucker!
I gasped as the sound of the sobs finally spilled into the room and was startled when a hand touched my shoulder. Turning my tear-drenched face around, I found Julia sitting silently next to me on the bed. I was so consumed with grief that I hadn’t noticed her.
“Uhhhhnnn, Julia,” I sniffed and quickly wiped at my eyes, trying to sit up against the headboard. My skin burned. I was embarrassed that she saw me in this weakened state. The last thing I wanted was to let her see my heartbreak or make her feel guilty. “I didn’t…uh, know you were there.”
Her eyes were full of tears and her chin was trembling. “I’m so sorry, Ryan. I hate that you’re hurting like this…because of me.”
I reached out and brushed a tear from her cheek as her hand came to rest softly on my chest.
“It’s not you. It’s the situation,” I said ardently and shook my head. Only a small streak of light, streaming in through the barely open doorway, cast a soft glow over her tear-drenched features. I wanted to take away her sadness and see again the happiness so indicative of my Julia, shining there.
“I am the situation.” She shifted to move closer to me. The heat radiated off her and I ached to reach out and draw her closer to my body. “I want this to go away, so tell me what you’re hiding. Please. Just…please.” Her voice throbbed thickly.
“I’ve told you so much already, honey.” My voice was low and raspy. The remnants of the tears were still plainly audible. I swallowed and ran the back of my hand over each of my eyes.
She looked down and bit her lip. Those perfect lips that I longed to feel against mine. I couldn’t tear my gaze away as she spoke and my heart started to thump in my chest.
“Not really. Why do you always pull away from me when we get to the juice, Ryan? I feel like if you’d just pretend that I remember, act like you normally would around me, then maybe everything would come back to me. I feel you. I know how deep this is.”
I tensed at the track the conversation was taking, but I couldn’t avoid it completely. I never could lie to her. “From what the others have told you and an occasi
onal flash of memory, yes, but you don’t remember it. Knowing it and feeling it are two completely different things,” I argued softly. “Trying to force it would be unfair, Julia. And…we both deserve more than that.”
Her face crumpled and she nodded, wiping at the tears raining softly down her face, and clinging to her lashes. “Is that what you really think or is it just the bullshit that Spencer fed you?” Her brow wrinkled and she looked down at her hands. “I just said I feel you! I’ve tried to tell you and show you, but you keep pulling away. Please, stop.” Her voice softened on the next words. “What about that beautiful night…and just now on the couch?”
I leaned up and kissed her temple before pushing off of the bed. I had to get away or I was going to give in to the pull. I wanted to gather her up and protect her, to love her and ease the pain, but Spencer’s words kept rolling around my brain.
“I’m gonna shower. I’m meeting Tanner and some of the others to finish the final research paper for the surgery clinical.” I brushed her chin with my fingers once more, went into the bathroom and shut the door. I clasped both of my hands behind my head, wanting to shout as I struggled with the constriction in my chest.
Oh my God. I can’t do this anymore!
I turned on the shower and quickly stripped off my clothes, hoping the hot water could help clear my head. I stepped under the spray and leaned back against the tile wall of the shower stall, letting the water pelt my chest and run down my body. My throat still ached and my eyes burned with unshed tears. The steam began rising when I rubbed my face again and then turned to wet the back of my hair.
“So what? This is it, then? I ruin your life until you resent and hate me? Until you can’t bear to look at me anymore? I don’t want that, Ryan.” Julia’s voice was close, hard and demanding.
