by Kahlen Aymes
Julia was holding an almost-empty glass of white wine in her right hand. She leaned in to excuse herself from the matronly woman she was speaking to and glided toward me. I couldn’t help it, my arm snaked around her waist and pulled her close enough that she could feel the effect she had on me. My open lips found the pulse at her temple and lingered on the warm skin and she sighed. I could feel her breath rush over the skin of my neck, and my arm tightened.
“When can you leave? I can’t wait to get you alone.”
“Mmmm…” her fingers curled into the front of my shirt and pressed into my abdomen. I could hear the desire in her purr. “Just after midnight. What time is it?”
“11:40.” The music playing throughout the room was classical but the din of voices was constant. I longed for when the only sound in my ears was her breathing and soft moans. “We’re almost there.”
She looked up into my face with lazy, hooded eyes. “Are we?” she teased softly and pressed her hip into my erection.
“Soon,” I said with a smile and bent to kiss her mouth. I didn’t care if she spilled her wine, or if I happened to drop the glass in my hand; I didn’t care that there were 400 people around us. My tongue pushed hungrily into her mouth, and though our surroundings gave her a second’s hesitation, soon she was returning the kiss in full measure. I pulled her tighter, kissing her deeply. She reluctantly pulled her mouth away, but mine wanted to cling to hers.
“Ryan. I’m working.”
“I know. I can’t help it. You’re so beautiful tonight.”
I scanned the room over her head as her lips brushed my jaw, and my eyes locked with a pair of blue ones not twelve feet in front of us. My heart stopped. What the fuck was Jane doing here? Anger exploded, and my eyes saw red while heat infused beneath my skin like fire.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. All I could think about as Jane continued to stare at me was that I had to get her out of here before Julia saw her. My heart felt like a tennis ball ricocheting uncontrollably around inside my chest. My jaw clenched and I held up a hand behind Julia’s back, silently communicating to Jane that she shouldn’t approach us. Even if I snubbed Jane in front of Julia, her wall would slam down between us and would ruin the rest of the night. Goddamn it to hell!
I tried to keep the panic out of my voice. “Baby, why don’t you go finish up what you need to do so we can go? I have a surprise.”
“Really?” Julia’s face lit up. “But, what about our kiss at midnight?”
I nodded and kissed her once on the lips. “I’ll meet you back here at midnight, okay?”
Her fingers wrapped around the sleeve of my tux. “I don’t want to leave you. I’ve spent most of the night doing that.”
“It’s okay. It’s only for a few minutes. We have all night.” I tried to reassure her, but I needed her to leave me alone so I could deal with Jane. Panic welled up in my chest. Jane was out of line.
“Okay. Love you.” Her eyes were big and round and full of love. I touched her chin.
“Love you. Go on.”
After Julia left, I turned abruptly and rushed to where Jane was waiting. “What are you doing here?”
She huffed but her eyes looked hurt. She swallowed hard. “Thanks a lot. It’s a free country.”
I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I was agitated. “Look, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just… I didn’t expect you to be here.”
“I haven’t been here long. I was in the city with some friends and Caleb told me you’d be here. I wanted to wish you Happy New Year. That’s all.” She was dressed in some sort of pale blue dress, but I barely noticed.
I flushed guiltily, glancing over my shoulder to see if Julia was anywhere near us. I couldn’t see her, so I relaxed a little. “Okay, Happy New Year.” My voice was stilted, but I’d be damned if I could do anything about it.
“Where’s Julia? I should say hello.”
No! I wanted to shout at her. “She’s busy working. We should let her be.”
“She was just here.”
“Yes, but she has to wrap things up.”
Jane was fidgeting in front of me; unable to meet my eyes and staring off over my left shoulder. “Okay, well… I guess I’ll see you at the hospital.” I could see the hurt in her eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to comfort her. I needed her to leave. Now. She stood on her tiptoes and slid her arms up mine until they rested behind my neck.
It was uncomfortable, but I leaned in to hug her briefly, compassion for her loneliness wheedling its way to chip away at my anger.
“Happy New Year,” I said gently and pulled back. Her arms tightened when she leaned up to place a kiss on my mouth, and my hands fell to her waist in shock. I was motionless; stone-still in disbelief that she’d just done that. I gently pulled her arms away from me, letting them drop to her side.
I had to make these words count without hurting her too badly. “Jane, this has to stop. Julia means everything to me. If I’ve done anything to give you the wrong impression, I’m sorry, but nothing will ever happen between us.” I tried to keep my voice gentle but firm. “I like working with you and you’re my friend.”
Something in Jane’s expression hardened but her voice was meek. “I know Ryan. Like I said, I just wanted to wish you well tonight. Bye.”
I felt like a heel, but there was no way in hell I would let anything cause more of a chasm between Julia and I. After the past few days, I was done letting my guilt about Jane threaten my marriage. I watched her walk a few feet then returned to meet Julia as planned.
Julia~
I raced to the bathroom to calm down, weaving and pushing past elegantly clad women and dozens of men in tuxedos. My heart felt ready to implode because of what I’d just seen.
Why was Jane here and why was she draped all over my husband? Why had Ryan allowed it? I leaned on the ceramic vanity in the posh bathroom. The toilets were separate from the washroom, and my eyes locked onto my image in the mirror. My face was so red, when combined with the brilliant emerald green dress I looked like a poster-child for Christmas. My head throbbed with each beat of my heart and I was sure I’d have to scream in frustration or I’d literally burst.
I turned on the cold water and used my hand to scoop some up on the back of my neck. I tried to calm my breathing, but my whole body was shaking. I wasn’t sure if I was just mad as hell or if I was falling apart.
The door opened, and a brush of light blue fabric passed through my periphery but then I closed my eyes, concentrating on getting my breathing under control so I didn’t hyperventilate. A sob tried to well in my chest and I pushed it down, willing the tears away. I would not let that bitch make me fall apart and look like a fool in front of all my coworkers and guests. Not in a million years. I inhaled again.
“Why don’t you just let him go, Julia?” Jane’s voice bit into my thoughts and my eyes shot open. If looks could kill, she would’ve been gutted. My eyes met hers in the mirror when I straightened. I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. I reached forward and took a tissue, my back as ridged as my resolve. The person who speaks first, loses. I wasn’t going to fucking lose to this… For the first time in my life, my mind wanted to use the ‘c’ word.
“He belongs with me. We share the same work, he can talk to me about medicine and I get it. Ryan is brilliant and he deserves someone who does more than make cheesecake and arrange parties.”
I glared at her in the mirror, wiping my hands on one of the plush towels provided before tossing it in the hamper to one side. I tried to walk around her, but she moved to block my passage, her eye full of hate.
“Does the truth make you speechless? I saved his life. He saved mine. That’s a bond you can know nothing about, Julia. His blood flowed into me and mixed with mine. He reached inside my body and held my life in his hands. He belongs with me.”
My heart pounded in my ears and throat. I could barely breathe. My mind insisted that she was a lying bitch, but I�
��d seen Ryan’s arms around her and the kiss they shared, the soft expression on his face. I whirled on her and slapped her as hard as I could across the face, snapping her neck back. I hoped it hurt like hell!
“RYAN IS MINE!” I screamed at her. “He’ll always be mine!”
I ran from the room as if hell were on my heels, gasping for air and feeling faint. I pressed a hand to my head. I could scream that Ryan was mine all night, but my heart was cracked open and bleeding like it had never been. I wasn’t able to breathe as my eyes searched for Andrea through the crowd. I had to be pale; the glances that were cast in my direction were concerned. I was stopped twice, first by the mayor’s wife and then by one of our assistants, to ask me if I was all right. My throat was tight with the effort not to fall apart, and all I could do was nod and keep moving.
I never thought Ryan would allow another woman to kiss him. Not that kind of kiss and not at my work function. Especially when he knew Jane wanted to take him away from me, and after everything that we’d fought about. I intentionally avoided the area of the room where I knew Ryan would be waiting and then scoffed at myself. Maybe he wouldn’t be waiting at all.
I told Andrea I had to go and ripped the bracelet off my arm with trembling fingers. R & J. How fucking ironic.
“Julia, what?” She shook her head in protest. “You want me to what?”
Mike Turner burst into the room. “What’s wrong?” He was genuinely concerned.
“Just please, take it to Ryan.” We were in the coatroom, and I struggled to throw mine on. I was finally beginning to lose my carefully constructed façade. My eyes pleaded with her, and the first tears fell. “Please.” I begged. “I can’t face him right now.”
“Julia… he’s your husband.”
“I have to leave before I completely lose it, Andrea. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll take you home. Come on,” Mike said gently, his fingers closing around my elbow. “Its okay, come on. Let Ryan know,” he instructed Andrea.
“No! I need time alone.”
Mike and Andrea talked softly together but I didn’t hear a word they said. I ran out of the venue crying, Mike chasing behind me with my coat. It was storming, mostly icy rain mixed with sleet. In the end, I didn’t have the strength to protest when Mike threw his jacket over my shoulders and ushered me into a cab. I no longer cared if Ryan would be pissed at my choice of escort. I prayed Mike would get me home before I turned into a sobbing mess.
My heart was aching and my face was covered in a deluge of silent tears. I’d left Mike dumbfounded in the lobby without so much as a thank you and now slammed my apartment door behind me. It didn’t matter what Jane said to me, I had to believe what I’d seen myself; the image of Jane clinging to Ryan still burned behind my eyes. I felt sick to my stomach. Could it have really happened? I knew that tender look on his face. I’d seen it directed at me more times than I could count. His eyes were so soft and gentle as he looked at her, and jealousy turned my soul to ashes. I gasped and clawed at my chest as my lungs constricted. I was suffocating. My heartbeat thundered in my ears until I finally let go of the torrent of tears that had been threatening for the past thirty minute trip from Midtown Manhattan.
I stopped in the middle of our living room, turning around in circles, clenching and unclenching my fists in desperation, unsure of what to do with myself. I was transported back to the many nights in college when I’d been alone while Ryan was out with some faceless woman. All the torment I felt then was magnified a hundred times, because this time, it wasn’t in my imagination; I’d seen it with my own eyes. Finally, a broken sob erupted from my chest as my shaking legs refused to hold me up. I slowly sank to the floor.
I wrapped my right hand around my now empty left wrist. Herculean sobs racked through me, and I fell to the carpet in front of the sofa. This couldn’t be happening. He said they were only friends, but I knew too well what friendship with Ryan meant.
“Oh, God! Wha… what am I… g… onna do?” I cried brokenly into the darkness, uncaring of whether the water or makeup would seep into the rug or if the beautiful designer dress was now completely ruined from the storm raging outside. I felt embarrassed by Jane’s confrontation. I’d been so sure of Ryan and of us. I wanted to rewind the world two months; to scream, to pull my hair out… to die.
I curled into myself, praying for the pain to end. I couldn’t die, but I could scream, and I did—as loud and long as I could. The sound split the air, high-pitched, screeching and shrill; shattering the air like an angry siren. My hands wrapped in my wet hair and pulled until my scalp burned. Some of Elyse’s pins landed with a barely perceptible thud next to me. The pain in my heart was unfathomable—unimaginable—even worse than when I’d remembered losing our baby. At least then, I’d had Ryan to hold onto. I needed him. Even though he was the source of the horrible pain, he was also the only one who could take it away. “Please…” I wasn’t sure if I was begging or praying, but all I wanted was to feel nothing. “If this is real, I don’t want to love him anymore…”
“Julia!” The voice on the other side of the door was frantic. The key rattled in the lock, and the door flew open with a bang against the opposite wall. I scrambled in the opposite direction as quickly as I could, panicked at the potential confrontation with Ryan. My pulse raced as I tried to run down the hall and put a locked door between us.
“Julia!” Ryan bellowed behind me in the hall, his voice frantic. “For God’s sake! Are you all right? Is Turner in there with you?”
“Shut up, Ryan!” Fuck him for asking that after what I’d just witnessed! I tried to slam the door behind me, but he stopped it with a muscled forearm. “Just leave me alone!” Ryan grunted in pain as the wood slammed into his flesh, and I pushed on the door with all I had. He used his weight to force his way into the room, and I stumbled back, helpless to stop him despite using all my effort to close the door.
“What in the hell?” he railed. His hair and clothes were wet like mine, the tuxedo jacket and bow tie were missing, and two buttons undone; the fine white linen was plastered to his body and ruined.
“Why the fuck did you leave?” His eyes showed a mixture of anger, pain, and confusion. “And, would you mind explaining this?” His arm bent at the elbow, he held the bracelet in his clenched fist.
I turned, like a cornered rabbit, waiting to be eaten by my predator. My eyes widened and I stared at my husband. I was still shaking and my throat ached. Everything hurt.
When I didn’t answer, he took a step toward me. I couldn’t help flinching away, which only pissed him off more.
“Julia, answer me!” he yelled, the outburst making me flinch again. “Jesus Christ!” he muttered. “You’re acting like I’m going to hurt you.”
“You have hurt me! So much, I can’t see straight! I can’t breathe! I saw you with Jane, and you’re accusing me of shit with Mike?”
His handsome face flashed recognition and then quickly hardened again. “You saw me comforting a friend! Andrea told me you left with Turner.” The volume of his voice was lower now, but the tone still hard. “I’m so Goddamn sick of you not trusting me!”
“Well, I’m sick of you choosing that bitch over me! I never see you! You spend all of your time with that woman!”
Ryan ran a hand through his wet hair with a huff; I wasn’t sure if it was disbelief or disgust. “It’s fucking New Year’s Eve, Julia! I had something special planned for us, and now it’s completely fucked! Why didn’t you talk to me about what you saw? Instead, you run to Andrea and ask her to give me the bracelet? To give to Jane?” he railed. “Is that what you’re implying? And, then you run out into a storm like a child? You’re acting insane!” His expression was incredulous, but surely he knew what Jane was up to.
My face crumpled again as tears continued to flood my eyes, and I began to cry in earnest. “You don’t know her like you think! She’s nuh… not all unicorns and ruh… rainbows. I won’t let you tuh… turn me into the bad guy on this, Ryan! She’s
truh… trying to break us up!”
“No, she isn’t!” he said in disgust. “She felt bad tonight. She’s alone. She knows I’m committed to you!”
“Then she’s one up on me!” I put both hands over my face and fell against the wall with a painful bang, my shoulders shaking with the effort of my sobs. I wanted to tell him about the conversation in the bathroom, but I was so angry that doing so was even necessary; the words couldn’t get past the ache. “Talk about not trusting someone! A year ago,” I cried, defeated, “you would have believed me.”
“Oh, fuck this!” Ryan rushed toward me and grabbed both of my wrists, prying my hands away from my face, his fingers pressing hard into my flesh as he yanked me toward him roughly. “What do I have to do? This is bullshit!” I struggled against him as he pushed me to the wall with his body, struggling to force the bracelet back on my left wrist. “This is us! Not me and Jane! Us, Julia! It makes me fucking sick that you could think I’d take it from your wrist and put it on hers! Or anyone else’s!” He shouted in my face, his chest heaved against mine.
When Ryan had the bracelet once again ensconced on my wrist, he angrily shoved a knee between my legs and lifted me off the floor with it, both hands now pinning my arms to the wall over my head. My feet were left dangling off of the floor and one of the high-heeled pumps dropped off and smacked against the wall before landing with a soft thud on the carpet.
“This is madness!”
We were both furious, and the heat between our bodies began to seep steamily through our wet clothes. The smooth wool crepe covering Ryan’s hips brushed the of inside my thighs. I began to struggle and pushed against his hands with all my might, but he held me still as if I lay docile in his arms. Frustration welled up in my chest. I was conflicted; part of me didn’t want Ryan touching me when he’d just touched her and part of me needed the affirmation that he was still mine. He smelled like cologne and the gel he used on his hair. I fought inhaling deeper, silently praying not to find any traces of Jane’s perfume lingering.
