“Ok,” I say but it is barely a whisper. The soft click of the bedroom door tells me it’s all clear and I take I sip of my tea, enjoying the refreshing taste in my dry mouth. I dress in one of Malc’s t-shirts and a pair of stretchy yoga pants and slowly make my way downstairs. The house is so quiet without my family here to fill it up with laughter and joy.
I walk into the kitchen and see Faith sat at the table with a pot of tea in front of her. I see the scones on the plate and I instantly know that Lilly has been baking again; I have to admit that woman can cook. I sit in the chair opposite and pull a scone from the plate suddenly realising that I am famished, but hardly eating will do that to you.
“Where shall I begin, Faith?” I ask her, letting her lead this conversation. At least if she asks I will be able to give her the right answers, I think.
“Why don’t we start with why you’re doing this to Malc?” she questions me and that’s Faith, straight to the point no bullshit.
“When I got out of the hospital I had all of these skills on how to get through the day, coping mechanisms if you will. I was all set. I knew Jake was dead – Malc told me on one of his daily visits – but it did not prepare me for life on my own back in my apartment where he had stood and planned. I couldn’t eat or sleep. So I called Malc and he came over and lay with me on the bed while I tried to go to sleep and that first few nights it worked. But then it wasn’t enough to block it all out. The peace I found just lying in his arms dwindled and I had to find a different way of him helping me, but It had to be Malc. I only ever felt safe with Malc.” The words tumble from my mouth and I don’t even think about what I am saying I just try to let it all go, try to make someone else understand that I am not doing it to be a bitch to him, I can’t, I need him.
“So how did you go from being raped to using Malc as your own sex slave?” Oh great, she wants all the little details, but I suppose if she wants to understand I am going to have to give them to her.
“The escape wasn’t enough with him just holding me – I needed a bigger high. It started the same as any other night he came over, I got into bed and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close waiting for me to drift off. But that night was different, I woke up screaming, the nightmare was so real as if it was happening all over again. He asked me what was wrong, telling me he was here with me, that I was safe and nothing was going to hurt me again. I reached up and kissed him gently at first, it was like electric the second our lips met and I knew I needed more – the voices had disappeared again. He pulled away when I tried to deepen this kiss, his eyes locked on mine. I think he was checking I knew what I was doing, that if we crossed this line there was no going back.” I told her exactly how it happened down to how I felt. I couldn’t keep anything back from her any longer and I didn’t want to.
“Well don’t stop there, what happened next?” I see her eyes wide as she is waiting for me to continue. If I tell this next part this is where the ugliness seeps in, the guilt of all those months of what I did to him. If I tell her will it ease the guilt? Will it make what I did more acceptable? Will I stop feeling like I’m no better than Jake? I made him do it to me on so many occasions.
“I just nodded at him and he became insatiable like he couldn’t get enough of me. I know what you’re thinking: how could I stand to have any man touch me after everything I had been through? It was different with Malc, I never felt scared or trapped or like it was all he wanted, I trusted him with every fiber of my being. And when he stripped me down and plunged inside I realised that I was wet for him, but it wasn’t enough, I needed him to take me harder. I didn’t want loving I wanted using. I know that seems ironic but I wanted him to eradicate every last bit of Jake from my body. I thought the one time would be enough to help, but it wasn’t, I couldn’t get enough of him.”
“Wow, and I thought me and Damien had it bad for each other. You know he came to ours last night? He was devastated, Cami, and he told Damien he wanted out because he thought that was what you needed to deal with all this shit. But it’s not right now, Cami, you need proper help like you made me have. All those months of therapy helped me and it will help you, Cami, but you have to decide that you want help, that you want to get back to being the amazing woman that you are, that we all know you are.” Her admission shocks me a little and I can’t get over the ‘he told him he wants out’ part. That he is willing to give it all up for me.
“Why?” I ask, now it’s my turn for a question.
“Because he loves you, Camilla, he would die for you and Charlie. You didn’t see the way he cried and held you when he found you in that room. He loved you even all the way back then and that’s why he lets you do what you need to do. Do you think any lesser of a man would have stuck around while you demanded he was rough in bed with you? He did it in a safe and caring way.” I am reeling. He can’t have loved me back then – my body was a mess. I lost part of myself that day, a part that I will never get back, my scars are a testament to that fact.
“Ha! You’re joking, right? That man denied me what I needed until I agreed to marry him.” Faith’s head drops back in laughter and it’s a full on laugh which in turn makes me giggle a little.
“You would not have agreed if you didn’t want to marry him, sweetie,” she says through her laughter.
“You know what, you’re right. I did want to marry him, but I wanted him with me, not you and Damien. I thought the baby and marriage would keep him with me,” I tell her, the note of insecurity in my voice is present again.
“You have to fight for what you want, Cami, you were the one who told me that when I did not even want to go out of the door.” I see the pain cross her face as she dives into her own past. I have to try if I want to keep my man, I have to do this, pull myself back from the brink, because no one else can but me.
“I know but what if I lose him? I couldn’t take it again; it broke me the last time. That’s why I walked out and took Charlie and abandoned him. I thought I wouldn’t be able to deal with everything so I went into hiding hoping that I would just forget about everything. There is only so much a heart can take and after losing Andrew, mine was dead. I was dead inside and out, how was he supposed to love me then?”
“You should have stayed and let him be there for you. It wasn’t just you that lost your baby, Malc did as well. I am not saying that his pain was more because you carried him felt every move that he made inside your tummy, but Malc lost all of you and he was devastated when you left. We didn’t know why because he just kept it to himself, but his fighting and anger became a problem until he went to get you.” Her words hit me straight in the heart and it hurts all over again. How could I do that to him? Not once did I think about how he was suffering, I only thought about my pain. I was wallowing in self-pity and heartache and I just wanted to forget but I never could. Every time I look at Charlie I see Andrew, but most of all I see Malc.
“I want help, Faith,” I say to her as quietly as I can, the realisation hits me that I want to fight for my family but first I need to sort myself out.
“We will all help you, Cami, we will be here through it all, I promise.” As she finishes she gets up from her chair and comes around to me and her arms wrap around me as she clings to me. I cry because she is right, I have a great support network as long as I accept it.
“I’m sorry, Faith. I shouldn’t have blamed you and pushed you away when you offered help in the first place, I don’t blame you.” I had to get it out, even though the sobs wracking my body I had to tell her, she deserves not to feel guilty any longer, and I know Faith she would feel it for the rest of her life.
“I’m sorry I gave up.” It’s all she needs to say as we hold each other in the kitchen. The opening of the door draws both our attention to the sound. Malc walks in carrying Charlie in his car seat, I get up from the chair and walk over to him. He looks defeated, pained and lost. I caused that, no one else but me.
“I’m sorry, Malc. I need help I know that, I just don’t
want to lose you.” He puts the car seat down and wraps his arms around me, burying his face in my neck. I feel the drops of his tears against my neck and it strengthens my resolve to get through this, because a man like Malc doesn’t cry unless he is ruined.
“I love you,” he whispers. “I don’t ever want to lose you.” Now my hands grip him tighter at his declaration.
“Well, I think it’s my time to bow out, we will expect you both over this evening so we can form an action plan. Does that sound good to you, Cami?” Her order is clear that this is not really a choice, but she says it in a way that’s not threatening, just caring, I am on my last chance to sort myself out. How many times can I fuck it up before they don’t want to help me anymore? That’s something I’m not willing to risk anymore.
“Yeah that works for us. We will be there,” Malc tells Faith.
“Thank you for today, Faith. I’m glad I have you back,” I say to her, not leaving Malc’s embrace – it feels really good to have his arms wrapped around me. Faith nods at me as she heads out of the house, I think she hears the truth in my words, so she doesn’t give me any smart answers back. And just like that a little bit of the weight has been lifted, I just hope that they continue to keep lifting in the coming months. It’s going to be a struggle but I am willing to do whatever it takes.
“So what did you and Faith chat about then, not me I hope?” he says with a smile in his tone. The little grin that is threating to rise up at the corners is showing me his mischievous intent.
Now do I play along or keep him guessing? I do like to see him squirm a little.
“Never you mind,” I say to him playfully, wriggling out of his grasp.
“Oh, so it’s like that is it?” He tries to pin me against the unit caging me in his arms and I can’t help but giggle even louder.
“Yep,” I say between giggles. His smile widens lighting up his whole face.
“I can get it out of you,” he whispers against my lips just as he brings his mouth gently down to meet mine. I close my eyes and meet his kiss knowing full well he can get it out of me; in fact, I am relishing the idea of him trying.
Alekzander
I have been attending classes for a couple of weeks now. It has been really hard but I have strived to do my best to get control over this. I won’t let it beat me, I can’t. I have spoken with my mother a couple of times and she insists that she is well, but missing me dearly. She said that some of my friends came to the apartment to see if I was ok, that they hadn’t seen me around. She told them I was fine and spending time with my brother and his family. She said they didn’t say their names, so I reassured her it was fine and that I knew who it was. I just hope she didn’t say where my brother is.
The evening air is mild as I make my way from the tube station to where the gamblers anonymous meeting is being held. I walk into what used to be an old church. The high ceilings with exposed beams show of its past grandeur, the stone columns that look to be supporting the beams, and the stain glass window right at the back of the room, their bright colours showing that there is light to be found through the darkness. In the center of the room sits the small circle of chairs, Nick, the reformed gambler, sits on his chair waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. I like Nick, he knows what we are going through so he doesn’t talk down to us or make us feel more like shit than we already do. He listens to what we each have to say. We are free to speak as much or as little as we like. The steps he is trying to give us to try and avoid walking into a casino are great, telling yourself that you’re in control and that you don’t need to go inside helps me. I have not made a bet in two weeks and for me that is one hell of an accomplishment. I just have to keep attending and hoping that they don’t come looking for me.
We are all here and ready to begin. Nick makes his introduction and tells us of his journey to stop his addiction. It was one hell of a story – it got so bad that he was taking money away from his wife and kids to go to the casino to gamble it away. He lost his family, his home, and his job. He ended up on the street with nothing but the clothes on his back and a shelter helped him get into accommodation, set him up with a group to attend and after six long hard months his life started to turn around. Five years he has not gambled, not even bought a scratch card. All his hard work has paid off because now he helps others on the road to their own recovery. It’s still not all sunshine and rainbows for him – he sees his kids, but his wife, however supporting she is, won’t risk a relationship with him again. So they remain friends and she supports him in his quest to stay strong and on the ball.
“Hello, everyone. Today we are going to go around the group and have our introductions,” Nick says addressing the whole group. Over the next thirty minutes or so everyone introduces him or herself and gives a brief look into their life.
My turn: “Hello, my name is Alekzander, I am thirty years old and I have a gambling problem.”
“Hello, Alekzander,” the group says collectively. I nod at them indicating that I don’t really want to dive further into it today, I am just reflecting today, taking notes and tips on how to apply what we need to avoid the laptop. The call has been getting stronger these past couple of days but I have immersed myself into working for Damien.
The meeting lasts another forty-five minutes, so once it’s wrapped up I think I am going to go and grab something to eat before I head home. Getting to see that little girl really does lift my spirits, her smile lights up a room, her energy making you forget all about your troubles while you are in her presence.
I find a little café around the corner from the church, walking in I notice it’s very warm and inviting. The wooden tables and chairs all lined up in uniformed rows, the counter at the end showcasing all sorts of cakes and sweets. Sitting down at one of the tables I look over the menu and decide on what I fancy having.
After a few minutes the waitress comes over to take my order. I order a scone and jam with afternoon tea – something light to tide me over until I get home and we it down for dinner later. I know that we have Malc and Cami over for dinner this evening. I don’t really know Cami that well but if she is anything like Faith then I am sure we will get on great. I like Malc, however mean looking he is he does his job well and has the respect and loyalty of my brother. That’s enough for me.
The scone is heavy and bland; nothing like what we have at the house. Faith tells me Lilly makes them by hand and I can say that they are a little slice of heaven whenever I have one.
I have seen Lilly I few times since I have been living with Damien and Faith and the past couple of times she has been nicer to me, not glaring at me with hatred in her eyes. I wouldn’t say we are best buddies but she understands that I am not to blame. So it has made things a little easier at least.
I pay my bill and head out of the café. I walk along the road back to my car. The car park is in the wide open so I can clearly see the hooded figures looming around the car. A feeling of dread forms in the pit of my stomach, the panic consumes me, and how have they found me? I know it’s them, there is no doubt about it.
Oh God, is mother ok? I won’t forgive myself if they have hurt her to find me. There is no running now that they have found me. I walk slowly over to the car, might as well get this over with no one else is going to be hurt because of me. Four heads snap in my direction as they take notice of me and I’m wondering what I should do now. Do I try to run or do I stay and try to fight? I pull out my phone on the way towards the car, I send Damien a quick text to say that I need help and where I am. At least if they don’t get here in time someone will know where to come and find my body at least.
“Alekzander,” one of the men drawls. His thick Russian accent hits me hard, confirming my suspicions they have found me.
“Nikolai, how not nice to see you here. I presume you had a good flight?” I say to him, trying to draw out the inevitable as long as possible.
“It was long, but as I now see was very much worth the time and effort. Now do you have
my money, Alekzander?” he snaps at me, his henchmen waiting in the wings for his approval to do whatever they see fit.
“How did you find me? And no I don’t have all of your money I need more time to get it, please,” I say, not above pleading for my life because let’s face it, that’s what I am about to fight for. I feel the gun rubbing against my back, giving me that little boost of confidence. But it won’t matter too much if they decide to pull out theirs, I’m out numbered four to one.
“We have our ways. Have you spoken to your mother since yesterday? She might be a little worse for wear, you know how brutal the cold can be.” I cut him off not wanting to hear anything else about my mother.
“If you’ve hurt her I will make you pay, Nikolai. I don’t care how or when, but mark my words I will make you suffer,” I vent at him, my rage is building. Hurting me is one thing, I owe them, but my mother is innocent in all of this, she doesn’t even know what has been going on all these months.
“And how do you suppose you will do that when you are six feet under? That is what you are going to get. I don’t like thieves, especially ones who try to run. It makes me look weak and I can’t have that now can I?” My blood turns to ice at his words, this is it then, no more stalling for time, I can’t see a way out of this, shit.
I hear the screeching of tyres coming into the car park, the car suddenly stopping behind me. I don’t dare to turn around for fear of who will be behind me. Will it be more of his men or Damien? Either way I am screwed. If Damien does manage to get me out of this then I will have to come clean and face his wrath and at the moment, I don’t know which would be a worse fate.
“And who would this be, Alekzander?” his tone has a hint of hesitancy in it. Blyad Damien. I didn’t think he would be this quick but when you only live around the corner from the church car park then I suppose it would only take them minutes to jump into the car and get here as fast as they could. I turn slightly so I can see the car behind me and I watch as the impressive form of my brother steps out of the driver’s side, then I snap my eyes across to the passenger side and out steps Malc. Shit, he puts me and Damien to shame. He is huge and he is all muscles and raw power, he doesn’t need to bring a knife to a gun fight, all he has to bring are his fists.
Fractured (The Volkov Mafia Series Book 3) Page 11
