True to what Leo said about the swaying chair, Rayna stayed asleep and we played the game for nearly two hours before Leo’s phone vibrated on the side.
He can’t pause the game fast enough to answer it and I immediately hear India’s voice and she sounds upset.
“What’s going on?”
“We’re at the hospital.” I hear her say.
“Why?”
“Harper, she slit her wrists just before me and dad got there. She’s in a bad way, Leo.”
“She what?”
“Please don’t make me repeat myself.” If I had a heart, I’d feel bad for the pain India’s feeling, but I don’t. She was strong enough to deal with the pregnancy on her own, she’s strong enough to deal with her cousin while Leo waits here for her.
“Okay, I won’t. Do you want me to come to the hospital? I can wake my mom up and leave her with Rayna, who’s fed and asleep by the way.”
“No, I’m okay with dad. You stay with Rayna, I don’t want us leaving her with anyone, it’ll always be one of us that she’s with.”
I hit play and carry on with the game while Leo whispers into the phone. I come around the enemy and shoot him in the back of the head. Something I want to do to all the Black Crow’s who attacked us last night.
They end their call quickly and Leo sighs.
“Attention seeking, huh?” he snaps at me over his shoulder.
“Why the fuck are you speaking to me like that?” I glance at him before returning my attention to the game.
“Cause you said she wouldn’t do it.”
“I didn’t think she would. Why do you even care?” I throw back at him.
He’s barely said more than five words to Harper since she came to town.
“Because it’s upsetting India, that’s why, you dick.”
“I’m not her keeper, brother. She’s not my responsibility.”
We haven’t had sex in months. She chased me around for a while, but she soon gave up when she realised I wasn’t interested. We both moved on. If India’s upset, that’s Leo’s problem and not my fault. I don’t remember him ever taking care of the girls he fucked and chucked. Just because he’s fucking whipped now, doesn’t mean he can forget his past and throw it in my face.
The kid’s lungs open up again and her screams don’t die down until Leo has her in his arms. Her cries dull to a whimper as his fatigue grows.
“I’m going to take her upstairs, you should get some sleep before the sun rises.”
He doesn’t linger around and before I know it, he’s gone and I’m chucking the controller on the table.
I look down at the twins and they haven’t moved throughout our game. Falling on my back, I cover my eyes with my arm, and close my eyes.
Harper’s face fills my mind and I’m glad she’s not dead. But, like I told Leo, she is not my problem.
Harper
My mom is crying, Uncle Slade won’t meet my eyes when I look over to him, and India keeps trying to talk to me. There are three fifths of my family cramped together in my hospital room and none of them are helping.
“You should go home, the baby will need you,” I go to say loud enough for her to hear, but it comes out as a whisper.
I want to be alone, not be scrutinised by the only family I have, all staring at me. My uncle is strong, emotionally and physically, yet when he saw me in the tub, I’ve never seen him pale before me. I don’t want to ever see him like that again. I had hoped to be gone before he arrived. I wasn’t.
“Leo is with her, she’ll be okay for a while longer.”
Of course she will be okay, she’s got daddy, Leo Jackson, looking after her. India has definitely hit the jackpot on the life scale. She has it all. A nice family, a dad who she knows and is loved by, a mom who works too much to provide for her, and now she has one of the hottest guys in town absolutely in love with her and his child. So, as I lay in this hard, rigid, hospital bed, I can’t bear to look at Little Miss Perfect. I’d rather look at my bandaged wrists and imagine what my scars will look like.
“I’m fine, go home,” I urge her.
Please, just fucking leave my soul cries silently.
“We’re not going anywhere until you’ve seen the therapist,” she insists and all the shit whirling around in my head comes to a stop.
“For fuck sake, I don’t want you here looking down on me, little miss prim and proper,” I spit out and regret it, not because of the look on her face, but because it takes a lot of energy I simply don’t have.
“Stop it, Harper,” Uncle Slade scolds me like a child.
“She wouldn’t be here if she knew the truth.”
“Oh yeah, and what’s that?” India asks, bored and not expecting to hear what I’m about to say.
“I slept with Leo, twice.”
She leaps out of her chair and then freezes. A small chuckle bursts from my mouth as I watch her desperately trying to keep her temper reigned in.
“I hope for your sake you’re being a bitch because you’re hurting.”
There she goes again, seeing straight through my bullshit. She finally leaves the room and Slade is quick to follow her. Ever the doting daddy.
My mom comes to sit beside me on the bed, and I shrug her touch away. Like hell does she get to sit here and worry about me.
“Why do you have to be so mean, Harper?” she asks.
“Why do you care? Isn’t Frank or John waiting for you? Shouldn’t you be getting home to them?”
I roll over and turn my back to her. If there were awards handed out to parents, my mom would receive the world’s worst mom award. She doesn’t get to act the mother of the year now.
The door opens, and I keep my eyes closed, if India’s back to rub my nose in her perfect little life, I will open my wrists again and this time Uncle Slade won’t be able to help me.
“Miss McCarthy? Is it okay if I speak with you?”
I poke my head up at the sound of the nicest, warmest voice I’ve ever heard, and an older lady stands at the end of the bed holding her clipboard.
Her greying hair sticks out everywhere and her thick red framed glasses sit on the end of her nose. She’s warm and nurturing, and I’m instantly drawn to her.
I nod, and she walks around the bed and pulls up a chair and takes a seat.
“How are you feeling this morning?” she asks first.
It’s a struggle to separate all the different thoughts rushing around my mind.
“I don’t know.”
She writes something down and smiles at me.
“I don’t feel right,” I add, before she can ask any more questions.
My head is swirling around, and I can’t keep up anymore, I’m too tired to try.
“Can you tell me why you wanted to end your life this morning?”
I could tell her the truth and see how she can help me, but I keep my mouth shut. No one can help me. What’s the point?
“I want to talk to you about a facility we work with. It’s called Blue Waters, and if you agree to spend some time there, they can help you.”
She opens a brochure and points to a nice building, people dressed in their own clothes, not the stark white coats she’s wearing, but what gets my attention is how happy and carefree they look. I want to be happy and carefree, genuinely happy, not happy because I’m buzzed, and I don’t give a shit.
“I’ll sign.”
I can give it a try. She doesn’t hesitate to get the pen in my hand and I scribble my name on the dotted line.
“Am I crazy?” I blurt out as she stands.
“Right now, you’re tired and you need to rest, try and get some sleep and I’ll arrange your transfer.”
Sleep.
I can’t remember the last time I slept properly, well, I do. It was after I had been with JJ. I thought at the time it was because he fucked me good, but then I started to believe it was because of him, just having him beside me helped. But, as I started to crave his proximity, he withdrew and eventual
ly avoided me at every opportunity. It got to the point where he withdrew completely, and I was left alone and looking like the crazy ex stalker who couldn’t take a hint.
The doctor leaves and I don’t know if my mom follows her out. I don’t care. I’m fucking exhausted and I want to die, but I even fail at dying. Go me.
JJ
Dad and Ricky left the cabin a few hours ago to go check out the club with a handful of prospects and brothers. I was told to stay here. The rest of the prospects are still plotted up around the cabin, taking up posts out of sight and I’m bored fucking shitless.
Leo’s no good, he’s still wrapped around the kid waiting for India to get back and Zach is brooding inside, and no one is going near him. I thought about asking after Harper but thought twice when he flat out ignored the twins an hour ago.
I pull out my pack of cigarettes from my jeans pocket and light one up. Inhaling deeply, I let the nicotine burn my lungs before exhaling the smoke. Blood and open veins fill my vision and I grind my knuckles into my eyes, stopping my imagination from working overtime. I told Leo I didn’t care, but ever since I woke up, she’s all I’ve been able to think about.
All I see is blood and Harper lying motionless in the bath tub with the red water rippling around her. I’m not a complete prick, I’m a guy who likes a good time with no strings attached. I made it clear to her where we stood and after so long, I thought she got the message. She started seeing guys in town and I carried on with the women in the club. Life’s been good, or so I thought.
A car drives around the last corner to the cabin and no alarm has been made to give us cause to be concerned.
It’s Kristen’s car. I take a drag on my cigarette and flick the butt across the drive. I don’t stand immediately but I do keep my eyes on the car, waiting to see how Harper is for myself.
Only, Slade gets out, then India followed by a tired Lily. No Harper. I stand and look through the windows in case she doesn’t want to get out, but she isn’t here.
My heart turns into a rock and thumps against my chest. Where the fuck is she? She didn’t die, I would’ve heard about it if she did.
India storms over to Leo, who is now standing on the porch, and she ignores his outstretched arms.
“I’m not going to be angry, I just want to know,” she begins, and he moves closer to her.
“Know what?”
On closer inspection, Slade is pissed but keeping himself in check.
“Have you ever had sex with Harper?”
My eyebrows hit my hairline, and I refrain from snorting. Leo wouldn’t even know when Harper was in the club because he hasn’t seen pussy since India whipped him with hers.
“No, what the fuck?”
“Don’t lie if you have, I just want to know the truth, we were apart for a while…”
Leo’s jaw ticks and the vein in his neck bulges. He is not happy, and I know my brother won’t like his business being outed like this in front of everyone. Fuck knows what made him fall for her, but he did, and he hasn’t been with anyone else since her.
“The truth?” he nods slowly. “I’ve already told you the truth, I’m not repeating it. I got Rayna to sleep ten minutes ago, if you want to get some sleep, I suggest you get your head down now.”
She steps towards him, but he backs off and walks inside the cabin. I don’t blame him. He didn’t get his dick wet once when India bailed on him, it was me who was banging Harper, and I want to know what she’s been saying to India.
Lily and Slade walk inside after India follows Leo and desperate to know what’s going on, I head inside myself.
My mom is hugging Lily and whispering something in her ear. I lean against the wall while I wait for my opportunity. It isn’t long before my mom is pulling away from her and setting her down on the couch. She slips into the kitchen and I’m quick on her tail.
“What’s going on with Harper?”
“Hi, son. How are you? I’m doing good,” she sarcastically says, cocking one eyebrow at me.
“Sorry, mom,” I apologise, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. It’s not like I saw her last night or anything.
“Where’s Harper?” I try again.
“Why do you care?”
“You raised me to be a gentleman, I’m trying to be nice,” I shrug through my bullshit.
“Any gentleman tendencies I tried to install into you was pulled straight out by your father,” she chuckles.
“Tell me why she hasn’t come back with Lily.”
She frowns and stops what she’s doing. She pokes me in the chest, and I try not to laugh.
Bonnie Carter may have the inner strength of a fully-grown man, but she is a short-ass. She barely comes up to my chest.
“Tell me you haven’t been messing around with Harper, she’s not well and as much as I love you, she doesn’t need your type of help or attention.”
“Seriously,” I growl. “I’m just going to ask dad soon.”
“Ask me what?” Dad walks in asking. He looks tired and he’s covered in dust and ash.
“Your son wants to know about Harper.”
“Why?” He stops and scowls at me. “Don’t tell me she’s done this cause she’s all heartbroken over your ass.”
“Fuck no!” I snap. “I haven’t been near her in months.”
“But you have before?” Mom asks, shaking her head.
“A few times,” I shrug.
Dad groans and mom slaps me on the arm.
“She opened her wrists up in the night. According to what the doctor told Slade and Lily, they think she’s had a breakdown. She signed herself into Blue Waters for thirty days. Hopefully, they can help her.”
A breakdown at her age? That doesn’t make sense. Guilt edges its way into my gut and I look away from my mom. I thought she was just another crazy chick hanging around town and the club. Fuck.
A shrill whistle pierces the air and the baby starts to cry again. Throwing my head back, I can’t listen to this baby again. Her cries stab my eardrums like tiny fucking needles. I follow everyone as they head outside and find everyone gathering around Cas.
“Word is spreading that the Crows are reforming, and they’ve voted in a new president. I don’t know who, but they’re under guidance again. They’ve already attacked when they had no one leading them, so, from now on, we’re on lock down. Later today, we’ll be moving back to the club and the women and kids will be coming with us. We’re not taking any chances this time around.”
I notice Leo isn’t out here and I slip away quietly and take the stairs two at a time until I’m on the landing and standing outside his room.
The door isn’t fully closed, and I listen in to their conversation. I shouldn’t but I am. Their relationship, as much as it bugs me that I’m losing my best friend, I’m intrigued in how close they are now.
“You should’ve seen her, it was like someone had possessed her. She looked so scared, and tired.”
“Until she lied her ass off about fucking me,” Leo grunts.
“She isn’t herself.”
“She must’ve been for you to believe her.”
“I said I was sorry.”
It goes quiet and I gather she’s using her charms on him to show how sorry she is.
Fuck waiting on that to finish. I push open the door and she’s straddling his waist in the middle of the bed.
“Jeez, JJ. Ever heard of knocking?” she spits at me.
Leo swivels her around him so I can’t see her, not that she’s naked or anything, but like I said, the boy is whipped.
“Can Harper have visitors?” I ask, ignoring their bad moods.
India snorts. “Why the hell…Oh no, you stay away from her, Jason.”
Narrowing my eyes, I remind her of my name.
“It’s JJ.” As she well knows.
“Please, I’ll call you whatever I want, Jason. Only family can visit and since you’re not family, you have no chance.”
“We’ll see about that.”
“How long have you been seeing my cousin? Did you upset her last night? Is that why she’s in the hospital?”
“Babe, come on. She’s in the hospital because she isn’t well, it has nothing to do with JJ.”
“Did you know about them?” she gasps, turning on him.
“Of course, I did. But, he hasn’t been with her in months. Whatever happened to her last night had nothing to do with him.”
This is a first, I don’t even need to defend myself. Leo’s doing a bang-up job of it himself on my behalf.
Not wanting to miss out, the kid starts to cry, and I swear she gets louder each time.
Pushing away from the wall, I cross the room and look into the crib.
“It’s so fuckin’ loud, yet so fuckin’ tiny.”
“You’ve got five seconds to get your ass out of this room, or I’ll throw you out myself.”
He goes from defending me to threatening me in a matter of seconds, then I remember he doesn’t like the cussing around the kid.
My bad.
I hold my hands up and back away from the ear ache swaddled in pink blankets.
“Everyone is heading to the club this afternoon, women and kids too,” I tell them, considering Leo missed Cas’s speech.
“Keep me posted on Harper, India, or I’ll ruin every family gathering you have.”
It’s not really a threat, it’ll most likely happen anyway.
“See you later, Jason,” she spits out.
“Yeah yeah.”
She better keep me updated on her cousin or I will make her life hell and I’ll do it with a smile on my face. I’ll fucking enjoy winding her up.
Downstairs, brothers are on the move and the women are packing their shit ready to go. They’ve only been here a day and they’ve already made themselves at home. I push through between Ricky and the twins and grab a beer from the fridge.
I don’t stop for too long, the women are passing bags over to brothers to help them out to the cars, I’m not getting caught out. They brought their shit, they can take it out to their cars without me.
His Selfish Love Page 3
