Him.
The boy she asked me to keep away from her, the boy who stalked her intensely, the boy who I had promised to keep her safe from, the boy with anger problems and a terrifying personality.
The girl who asked me for help, the girl who told someone we were dating, the girl who had been completely controlling my every thought for over a month, and the girl who refused to kiss me because she had never been kissed before.
I took the nearest thing to me and threw it as hard as I could against the wall, satisfied by the thud the wall provided in return.
A lot of people said their life flashed before their eyes when they were about to die. For me, every time I had ever been near Anika life flashed before my eyes because of how angry I was.
Her in fourth grade wearing pink all the time. Her in fifth grade wearing cute little dresses and wearing her hair in a braid and confessing she had a crush on me. Her in sixth grade getting pushed around by some guy who I’d beaten the hell out of later that week for touching her so he’d never go near her again. Her in seventh grade with two friends who weren’t me, even though I wanted to be around her. Her in eighth grade wearing a brand new hoodie and changing up her hairstyle to wearing it in a bun. Her in ninth grade with headphones and a “screw off” attitude that drove me crazy, even though I didn’t talk to her. Her in tenth grade, only sitting with the two people she’d met in sixth grade and not talking to anyone else. Her in eleventh grade, curled up on a couch with me after our first real date. Her this morning, yelling at me for answering her phone and crying as she finally snapped from all of the stress she’d been under. Her a few minutes ago, pressed up against Foster and kissing him as if he was the one she wanted to be with.
Everything I’d ever seen her do was flashing before my eyes, and I couldn’t stand it. All the girls I’d used to distract myself from her, the girl I’d kissed to get her attention, all of it was for nothing because she was never going to want me and I couldn’t do anything about it. I’d always known she would never stay with someone like me when she was… her. That didn’t make it any less excruciating to deal with now, though. That made it so much worse. Knowing that I had known she would move on and that I had still gone for her when I knew it would end like this.
She thought this guy was in love with her. She thought that obsessive stalking and possessiveness over someone he barely knew meant that he was in love. She was choosing him over me, and I had known that she would pick someone over me eventually.
Anika.
Anika.
Anika.
The name mocked me mercilessly and I threw something else. I felt like screaming.
The only girl I’d ever truly cared about was leaving because I was too much of a coward to stop her from doing it.
Chapter 10
Anika
I stared down at my lap as I sat on my bed. My head was spinning. Sierra was pacing in front of me, trying to sort through what I’d told her. Even though she’d been avoiding me recently, she had still come to my house when I called her. Sometimes I really loved the people I knew.
“So you kissed Foster.”
“He kissed me.”
“How long did it last?”
“I don’t know, ten, twelve seconds?”
“Then you kissed him back, trust me.” She sighed. “Okay… and what happened between you and Brady?”
I stiffened. “Why do you think something happened between Brady and me?”
“Because you kissed Foster. That means you completely abandoned the idea of dating Brady to keep him away from you. Either way, you’re basically pinned to Foster now. You’d better pray that Brady doesn’t find out, Anika. He’ll throw a fit.”
“Like he cares,” I muttered.
Sierra raised an eyebrow at me and, when my expression didn’t change, she threw her hands up and looked at the ceiling. “She’s completely clueless. I’m not sure what to do with her!” she announced, still looking at my ceiling. “Please, for the love of you, tell me what I’m meant to do with this stupid female!”
I glared at her. I hated it when she pretended to talk to a third party when I was right here.
Finally, Sierra returned her gaze to me and grabbed my hands. “Sweetie, I’m going to try to say this as kindly as I can manage so that you don’t freak out, alright?”
“Okay.”
“You’re a moron.”
“That wasn’t very kind.”
“It was the best I could do.”
I sighed and let myself fall backward, staring up at my ceiling. Everything from yesterday was fresh in my mind. I’d woken up to the sound of Brady’s voice, which was nice at first, but after a few seconds, I had realized he was using my phone.
“Who’s that?” I asked, sleepily.
“It’s just Foster. I figured you wouldn’t care.”
“Why didn’t you give me the phone, then?”
“Because you were sleeping.”
Annoyance coursed through my body. I hated it when people touched my things without permission, and I especially didn’t want people snooping around on my phone. “What the hell, Brady? You can’t just answer my phone like that and not tell me! Give me my phone!”
Brady held the phone away from me and I leaned over and snatched it anyway. “What, Foster?” I snapped tiredly.
“I want to see you today,” said Foster.
“Okay.” Good. I didn’t want to be with Brady right now; he was just invading my personal space without asking. We weren’t really dating. He had no right to just go through my things without permission. At least Foster was open about his creepiness. What right did Brady have to use my stuff while I was sleeping?
“Okay. Meet me at school, and we’ll go from there. Sound fair?”
“Sure, whatever.”
“Are you serious, Anika?” Brady yelled.
I hung up the phone. “What?” I snapped.
“I answer your phone, so you agree to go on a date with some creep? That’s how it’s gonna work? You’d better let me come with you! He’ll try to pull something if I don’t!”
“So what if he does? You’re not my boyfriend!”
Brady stared at me furiously. He couldn’t deny it; he really wasn’t my boyfriend. His jaw clenched and unclenched over and over as he fought for something to say to change my mind. “That’s bullshit and you know it, Anika,” he growled at me eventually.
“Do I?”
“You should!” he yelled.
“But I don’t, okay?” I yelled back. Tears stung my eyes. I’d spent all night wrestling with my feelings, trying to figure out exactly what I felt for him. Why I was so comfortable with him. Why I let him spend the night. Why I liked him when he’d never done anything to make me happy. “I don’t know anything!” My voice trembled and the anger was wiped clean off his face as he realized I was about to start crying. He reached toward me and I jerked away from him. “Don’t!”
He stared at me, the anger threatening to return but not fully showing in his eyes. “What the hell changed between last night and now?” he asked as calmly as he could, his voice dangerously low and painfully confused. “Tell me what changed. Did you not want me to spend the night with you? I would have left if you had just asked me to. Were you not okay with me wanting to have an actual date with you? I wouldn’t have pushed you to do it if you didn’t want to.” His voice shook a little and I bit down on my tongue to keep from crying.
I didn’t know what I felt. Between Brady, Foster, the date, the waking up, the phone, and the certainty that all my friends were leaving me because of them, I just couldn’t handle all of the stress that was forming. I felt like I was going to be sick if I kept yelling at Brady. A few tears escaped down my cheek and Brady’s face twisted.
“Don’t. Don’t cry.” I was shaking with all my pent-up emotion. Brady stepped toward me before I could react and pulled me against his chest. “Please don’t cry,” he whispered. “Plea
se. I don’t want you to cry, Anika. I never wanted that.”
I shook involuntarily. My body trembled against his and he rocked gently side to side, just enough that I could feel it. Under normal circumstances, I would have been happy for that kind of affection when I was this upset. But the fact that it was Brady that made me feel like this in the first place was ruining that. I didn’t want him to be touching me right now, though I didn’t really feel like pulling away either.
“Shh…” he whispered. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
This made me shake harder. I wanted to be angry with him, and be a complete bitch, and not feel bad about it. All of the frustration from the past two months was coming out now and I felt horrible for unleashing it on Brady, but I couldn’t help it. He was being so kind to me for no reason. He had no reason. He wasn’t my boyfriend, he didn’t love me, and he had no interest in me or my life or anything about it before that day in the hallway, so why was he being so damn kind to me?! “I want you to leave, Brady,” I whispered against his chest.
He stiffened. “You want me to leave?”
No. “Yes.”
Brady’s arms slipped away from me after a moment of hesitation. “Okay,” he said simply.
And he’d left.
Remembering this brought fresh tears to my eyes and I gritted my teeth. It had been fourteen hours since my fight with Brady and I was no closer to figuring out what I felt for him than I was when we argued. Talking with Sierra hadn’t really gotten me far at this point, and Mitchell hadn’t answered the phone when I called him. God only knew what he was up to. I didn’t dare call Brady to explain myself, and it wasn’t like I could talk to Foster. As soon as he’d finished kissing me, I’d told him I had to leave, and he had accepted that.
He looked happy, at least. At least there was one person I wasn’t disappointing right now. When he’d told me that I couldn’t do anything wrong, I’d been so thankful to him for lying to me. So when he tried to kiss me, I let him. I didn’t really want to kiss him, but I just didn’t want to see disappointment on yet another person’s face. I was so tired of disappointing everyone with anything I tried to do anymore, so I would be damned if I’d let another person hate me. The only thing in my life that was certain anymore was…
I messed up.
***
Brady didn’t call me on Sunday, and neither did Mitchell or Foster. Sierra was still at my house though. She had spent the night so she could hear more about Brady and me, and I had ended up crying again when I told her about the fight. She wasn’t great with advice, but she was perfect for providing a realistic view of things.
“You’ve known Brady for how long? I can get why you’d be upset about him answering your phone and all, but realistically you shouldn’t be this… sad.”
She was right. I shouldn’t be this worked up over him.
But I was.
I stared up at my ceiling, thinking about what I could do. There was no confronting Brady, at least not now. The chances of me talking to Foster right now were the same as the chances of me finding a dolphin in my bathtub. Mitchell wasn’t talking to me right now. Basically, my only options now were to have Sierra relay a message or leave things the way they were.
My phone rang on my dresser and I groaned. “Sierra, can you get that?”
Sierra nodded and picked it up. “Hello? Oh hey, Mrs. L. Yeah, she’s here… No, I don’t think she wants to talk to anyone right now…” Her face paled. “What?” She turned to look at me. “Um… you think she would want to do that? I mean, if she were… no, yeah, I understand that, but… seriously? Seven months? Okay, okay, I’ll have her call you when she’s up for it. I’m sure she’ll give this serious consideration.”
She hung up and looked at me. “Um… your mom wanted to ask you something.”
I looked at her, tired. “What did she want?”
“Well…” Sierra hesitated uncertainly, capturing her lip between her teeth as she did and she never finished the sentence.
“Sierra,” I prompted.
The next sentence she spoke after that changed everything.
I had another choice.
Chapter 11
I looked at my ceiling blankly for a while. It’d been a week since my mom had called me, and I still hadn’t told anyone but Sierra about it. I wasn’t going to say anything until I knew what my answer was. This was my choice, not theirs. No one else could choose this but me. My eyes slid closed. I didn’t technically need to give my mom an answer for weeks, but I did need to make a choice.
Stay or go.
***
Thunderous knocking startled me awake and I shot to my feet immediately, shoving myself toward the door. When I pulled it open, I was looking up into the furious eyes of Brady. Sierra, I don’t know where you are, but I swear to God I am going to kill you if I survive this. “What do you want, Brady?” I asked uncertainly.
“You think you can just move without telling me?”
Screw you, Sierra. “It’s not your choice.”
“It affects me,” he growled, “so I think I should get a say in it.”
I looked up at him, my fury growing almost to match his. “You don’t get a say in it!”
He took a deep breath. “Can I come in?”
“No.”
Brady pushed through my bedroom door anyway and ran his fingers through his hair. Why did he even bother to ask when he was going to do whatever he wanted either way? “How can you just… try to leave me like that?” he demanded. “You’re selfish, you know that? You’re making a choice that’s going to affect more than just you and you’re not asking for input from anyone.” His free hand shook at his side slightly and his jaw clenched immediately once he finished talking.
I looked up at him blankly. “Try to leave you?” I repeated.
He closed his eyes briefly, his hand still lodged in his hair, then pushed against me suddenly, pinning me against the door. My heart pounded wildly as I searched his face for answers as to what he was doing. His hands were on my waist now and he was holding me in place. “You might think none of it was real,” he murmured, his eyes open now and searching mine, “and you might not feel anything for me. But I’m so tired of just watching you do things without being a part of it, Anika. I’m so tired of not doing something about what I feel. You can’t just leave. I won’t let you.” His lips crushed against mine suddenly and fire shot through my veins. Brady pushed me against the door with his hips as he kissed me roughly.
I couldn’t think, and I’d closed my eyes at some point. I couldn’t see him, but I could feel him. His heat was everywhere, and my body was reacting without me telling it to. My arms went around his neck after a moment and I kissed him back easily.
When he finally pulled away, it left us both panting hard. His breath gently washed over my face as we stood there, unmoving and silent. Brady’s hand cupped my cheek lightly and his thumb brushed over my face, making me shiver a little bit. His other hand remained on my waist, and he pressed his lips to mine, more gently this time. The fire flooded through my veins as Brady kissed me again. “Please don’t leave,” he managed at one point before kissing me a little harder. His lips forced mine apart and he deepened the kiss.
I shivered hard, but it made me happy. My fingers tightened a little in his hair and he made a soft noise against my lips, catching me off guard and sending heat to my cheeks. Finally, he pulled away again. I kept my eyes closed, but I could feel him watching me, searching my face for how I would react to him. But how was I meant to react to this? It made me feel…
“Anika,” he breathed quietly, “please tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I don’t know what I’m thinking.” My mind was completely blank.
His forehead touched mine gently.
“I can’t really think like this,” I murmured.
Brady’s thumb traced over my cheekbone in smooth strokes. “Can you at least tell me if it was okay that I di
d that? That… I kissed you?” The worry in his voice wasn’t well hidden. He was actually afraid that I was going to reject him. I’d never heard him so vulnerable, but while I enjoyed the kiss, it just felt…
In response, not letting myself overthink, I gently pressed my lips to his again.
He made another quiet noise, but this one sounded more relieved. His body relaxed against mine as he kissed me back and the hand that had been against my cheek slid down to my waist again. My body reacted so differently to Brady than it did to Foster. He made me feel warm, but Foster made me feel dizzy. Kissing Brady was definitely nice, and I could get addicted to something like that easily if I had enough time, but when Foster had kissed me, it was entirely different. The ground hadn’t shifted, there weren’t fireworks, but it felt easier. More natural. More genuine.
When he pulled away this time, I had sorted out what I felt. “I think I have a crush on you again, Brady.” Even if Foster was easier for me, I still wanted fireworks. Foster was a gentle, steady feeling, while Brady was a flash of fire. Would that be good for the long term, though?
He laughed, and I could feel the smile on his lips when he kissed me again. “I have a crush on you too, Anika,” he replied in a slightly teasing tone. “I just wish I would’ve told you six years ago when I realized it the first time around instead of waiting.”
I shivered lightly.
“Please don’t leave me,” he murmured.
“I won’t,” I found myself promising.
But I wasn’t sure I meant it.
***
Two hours later, Brady still hadn’t left my room. We were lying on my bed now, with him drawing small circles on my back with his finger lightly while we talked. After all, we did have a lot to talk about. I explained why I kissed Foster, he told me why he kissed that girl in front of my locker intentionally like that. “Were you actually considering moving?” he murmured quietly.
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